Disclaimer: I do not own Earthbound/Mother 2. Nintendo does.

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EarthBound

Diary of a Female Punk

By Cyberweasel89

Chapter 3: Pizza and Mushrooms

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The road to Twoson was a fairly short one, though wrought with danger. She was attacked by odd walking mushrooms. A single swing of her bat, and they stopped moving, but they were still annoying.

Stepping out of the woods, Ness found herself in front of a sign welcoming her to Twoson. She was also greeted by a blonde lady in a pink dress.

"Welcome!" the lady began. "Would you like me to tell you about Twoson?"

"Uh... Sure. Knock yourself out."

"Twoson has a modern, clean hotel. There is a hospital and the wonderful Chaos Theater. There is the Polestar preschool, and a nice bus station. If you're curious, you might want to check out Burglin Park. It's exciting. East of the town, you find Peaceful Rest Valley. On the other side of the valley is Happy-Happy Village. There's also a pizza parlor. Do you want to know anything else?"

"Uh... No, that's okay." Only part of that she heard was 'pizza parlor.' Goddamn, she was hungry...

"Well, tee hee, I don't know anything else."

Wow. Welcomed to town by the local overly-perky weirdo.

"I can tell you're young, but have had some adventures. I think Paula at Polestar preschool would be a good friend for you."

Paula? That name sounded familiar... But she knew better than to trust a lady with nothing better to do than welcome people to town. Shrugging her backpack over her shoulder, Ness walked past her and into town. First stop, she needed a slice of pizza. They had a pizza parlor in Onett, but it wasn't open yet. What she'd give for a good slice of pepperoni...

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As she walked down the street, Ness saw a line in front of a building. Walking up, she tapped the guy at the end of the line on the shoulder. "Hey. Any idea where the pizza joint is?"

"Who cares? I just wanna get a ticket to the Runaway Five show!"

What. "Who?"

"The Runaway Five! They're the biggest blues band around!"

Hm... Musicians meant starving artists. Which meant they probably knew where the pizza joint was. "Where can I find them?"

"I think two of them are just around the corner, by their tour bus."

"Okay... Why aren't fans flocking around them if they're so popular?"

"Because shut up."

Ignoring the guy, Ness walked around the corner, finding two people in black suits and hats leaning against a really beat-up tour bus.

"Hey. You two members of the Runaway Five?" she asked them.

"You got that right, kid." the shorter and fatter one assured her.

"Know where the pizza parlor is?"

"Not really. We don't have the money to go eat out on the town."

"What? But aren't you musicians? Shouldn't you be rollin' in the dough?"

"We're popular, but not rich. We're bein' cheated by this theater, and we're really deep in debt!"

"And we may be popular, but that girl who lives at the house with the preschool is the talk of the town." the taller, skinnier one added. "I wanna see her someday."

"Interesting. But not relevant to my interests. See ya."

Hm... The Runaway Five wanted to meet that girl from the preschool. Somehow, that stuck out in her mind, despite her focus on pizza for the moment.

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A dog ran up to Ness as she walked down the street, barking.

"Whoa, calm down, boy. Tell me what's wrong." She assured the white pooch. For some reasons, animals usually could tell she could understand them.

("There was a kidnapping! Believe me, even though I'm just a dog! Woof!") the dog cried.

("Ugh. Not my problem, dog. But just out of curiosity, who was kidnapped?")

("That girl, Paula, from Polestar preschool!")

There was Paula's name again. And it seemed she was also the girl from the preschool who the Runaway Five wanted to meet. Call it precognition, but she was starting to foresee a visit to Polestar preschool in her future...

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Just down the street, she saw two blonde girls chatting by the side of the road. Ugh... She'd regret this, but maybe they knew where the pizza parlor was.

"Hey, you two."

They turned to look at her, giving her an up and down and turning to giggle to each other.

"Nice legs. Scarred enough for you?" one asked.

Ugh... This was why all her friends were boys. She hated other girls. "Just tell me where the pizza joint is, and I'll get out of your face, okay?"

"Just down the street. While you're there, pick some up for Apple Kid."

"Who?"

"Apple Kid. One of two inventors who live in this town."

"Who's the other?"

"Orange Kid. And he's super hot!"

Ugh... Another reason she hated girls her age. "And why should I bring some food to Apple Kid?"

"Because he always begs me for something to eat. He's the inventor, he should invent some food for himself!"

Hm... Inventor, huh? Maybe if she brought him some food, she could get some cool stuff from him.

"Thanks, ladies. You've been helpful."

"Any time, scarry legs."

Yep... She hated girls her age.

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Ness found the pizza parlor, and promptly picked up two slices of pepperoni, asking that one be wrapped. Apple Kid and Orange Kid's houses were easy to find, due to the signs just outside each house, and they were right next door. If Orange Kid was supposedly the better inventor, maybe it would help to get in his good graces, too.

So, knocking on Orange Kid's door, she heard a 'come in' from inside, and walked in to find a very well-maintained house and a very clean-cut boy with glasses.

"Greetings. I'm Orange Kid."

"Heard you're an inventor, Orange Kid."

"Oh, you've heard of me? I'm a bit embarrassed about my reputation. I have a lot of inventions in development, but I'm running short of cash. I'm basically a happy-go-lucky person, so I'm not worried."

Ness crossed her arms under her breasts. "Uh-huh. Got anything that might be useful, buddy?"

"Funny you should ask. I'm working on this machine that would really help you. I just hope it's ready soon... Would you be willing to help finance the project?"

"Uh... Sure, I guess. How much do you need?"

"Oh, goody! Would it be okay to get two hundred dollars to buy materials?"

Ooo... That was about a third of what she had on her right now. But if this guy was the great inventor all the teenyboppers said he was, she'd fork it over. So, reaching into a pouch on her backpack, she pulled out her wallet and paid the boy. "Here ya go."

"Thank you very much! Your support should have a tremendous impact on all mankind." Mankind? She just cared about something to help herself. "Let me give you my new 'Super Orange Machine.' I call it 'Suporma' for short." Orange Kid got up off his couch and walked into another room, returning with some chair-sized device with a turn crank. "Please use it for spreading peace and goodwill on Earth."

"What's it do?"

"Give the crank a turn, and you'll see!"

Shrugging, Ness turned the crank, hearing a song emerge from the nozzle of the device. After the song was finished, the machine promptly emitted puffs of smoke and fell to pieces.

"What the hell was that?" Ness asked the kid inventor.

"'Ode to Orange Kid.' A song of my own creation! Neat, huh?"

"Uhhhh... I better go."

"Sure. See ya."

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She got the hell out of that house fast. She could only hope his reputation with the girls matched his skills in inventing.

Next door was Apple Kid's house, and she walked in to find it a total mess. Old cheeseburger wrappers and pizza boxes were everywhere, there was a mouse scurrying about, and some fat kid was tinkering with some kind of little device with a screwdriver from a tool box.

The mouse scurried up to Ness, but then it stopped and stood on two legs, looking up at her with big, cute eyes. It was then she realized, Apple Kid didn't have an infestation... It was his pet.

"Reaching into her bag, Ness broke off a little piece from a stick of beef jerky and handed it to the rodent.

("Got a name, little guy?")

The mouse took the piece and nibbled on it, looking up after it heard Ness's words in its mind.

("I guess my master hasn't given me one yet. I'm just a mouse, after all.")

Hm... Probably one of the few things about Ness that was close to feminine was... She had a soft spot for cute animals. And a pet mouse with no name? That wasn't right. She'd have to have a few words with Apple Kid.

("Um... Miss? Your backpack smells like pizza... Could you please give a slice to my master? I can hear his stomach growling.")

Shit... Little guy didn't even have a name, and he was so concerned for his master. That just pissed Ness off.

("Sure thing, little guy. How'd you like me to give you a name?")

("No thanks. I want my master to name me himself. It would make it more special to me.")

Crap... This little guy just tugged on Ness's heartstrings, didn't he?

So, standing up straight and walking up to where the fat lard tinkered with his little machine, Ness stood there, but he didn't seem to notice her. She cleared her throat, and he looked up then.

"You do realize this place is a pigsty, right?"

"Well, I have sort of neglected doing my housework... I know it's a bit of a mess, but anyway... I'm Apple Kid. I haven't taken a bath in quite a while, so I may be kind of stinky."

"I'll say."

"By the way, I'm starving. Do you have something to eat?"

Ness slipped her backpack off, removing the wrapped slice of pizza. "Got a nice slice of pizza for you right here."

"Really? Thanks so much!" The kid eagerly grabbed the slice of pizza and tore the wrapping off, hungrily devouring it. "Oh... That was good. Thanks. You seem very nice." Not really, but she knew when to be nice to get what she wanted. "Uh, I wonder if... Maybe you would like to invest some money in my inventions?"

Ugh. Food and money? This better be worth it. "Sure."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh. Excuse me. I mean thank you! About two hundred dollars should help."

Sighing, Ness reached into her backpack and pulled out her wallet, handing him the money.

"Thank you. I won't let you down."

"Cool. Now... Clean up around here, take a bath, and give your mouse a name, okay?"

"Uh... Sure. Thanks again."

Ness turned to leave, Apple Kid's mouse walking up carrying something.

("You took care of my master. In return, I want to give you this. Please take it and say nothing.")

Ness took the little device from the mouse, finding it was some kind of phone.

("What's this?")

("Receiver phone. Receives calls wirelessly. Should be very useful for you.")

("Gee, thanks. Way better than what I got from Orange Kid.")

("Glad you like it. My master will call you on it when his next invention is ready. I promise.")

("Sure. Take care, little guy.")

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Ness walked into Polestar preschool to find a bunch of little tykes swarm her the minute she walked in. Ugh. She hated kids. Rabid little monsters.

"Ah! Get away, you brats!" Ness cried in alarm.

"Okay, okay. Leave our guest alone." a woman's voice said, causing the preschoolers to scatter.

A blonde woman walked up, wearing an apron and covered in finger paints. "Hi. I'm Ms. Polestar. You are?"

"No one important. Just heard a lot about this place." Ness explained, crossing her arms under her breasts.

"Oh, well I'm a little busy taking care of these kids, but if you want to see Paula, she should be up in her room. I'm sure my husband can help you."

"Thanks." Wasn't she kidnapped, though?

Walking past the woman, Ness entered the part of the house used for the Polestar family, finding a blonde man with a mustache sitting at the table. He got up to approach her.

"Hi. Mr. Polestar. You are?"

"New around here. Hoping to meet the talk of the town."

"Oh, you wanna see Paula? Many come here to see her miraculous powers, but they're just leeches. So... are you from a TV station, or what?"

"No. But if her miraculous powers are what I think they are, I was hoping to show her mine as well."

"Hm... To meet you or not to meet you can only be decided by Paula. And Paula said that she would only meet with a girl named Ness."

"I'm Ness."

"Oh, so you're Ness? You're the one that was in Paula's dream. You will save the world! Let me go call Paula."

The man left, heading upstairs. Huh? She was in Paula's dream? Did that mean... The Paula she heard speaking to her in her dreams was one of the chosen four as well? Hm... Ness didn't have much of a track record with girls her age, but hopefully Paula would be different.

Mr. Polestar ran down a few moments later, looking perplexed. "She doesn't seem to be here. I wonder where she went? I'm sorry, could you come back later?"

"Ugh. Fine. Bye."

Returning to the preschool part of the house, Ness walked up to Ms. Polestar. "Paula doesn't seem to be home. You seen her anywhere?"

"Nope. But you shouldn't worry about Paula. She has a guardian angel, it seems."

Yeah. Right. Signing, Ness left, deciding she'd go stay at the hotel for the night. It was getting late...

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"..."

"Ness!"

"I... Paula..."

"I am Paula..."

"Can you hear me calling you? Help! Come and help me! Um, I don't know where I am... I can hear water running in the distance..."

"Ness, please help me!"

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Ness awoke with another message from Paula. It seemed she really had been kidnapped like that dog said. Exiting the hotel, she saw Mr. Polestar run by.

"P-P-Paula! Where are you?! It's time for a yummy piece of pie!" he shouted as he ran.

Ness sighed, heading down the street back to Polestar preschool. She found Mr. Polestar standing outside.

"P-P-Paula's not home yet." He told her. "Everdred in Burglin Park might know something. Oh, boy! Now I'm really worried."

Hm... Okay. Burglin Park it was. Ness made her way down the street to Burglin Park.

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Stepping up to the entrance to Burglin Park, Ness was greeted by a man in a blue suit and hat.

"Welcome to Burglin Park!"

"You seen Everdred around here?" Ness asked him.

"Yeah. He's the boss of Burglin Park. He's got ties to burglaries and kidnappings in this area. He's a scary guy. But he's the reason we don't have to bribe any crooked cops."

"Okay. Is he here?"

"Yep. Should be at his house."

"Thanks."

It seemed Burglin Park was set up as some kind of market. She walked through it, ignoring anyone who asked if she wanted to buy something. Ahead was a small house... with a man on the roof. When she approached, he jumped off, landing on the ground and running over to her.

"Wah ha ha ha ha! Why don't we chat later... After we've locked horns!"

Uh-oh. Ness jumped out of the way as the mustached man threw a punch at her, bringing up her baseball bat and thrusting it at the man's stomach. To her surprise, he bit her! He bit her right on the arm!

"Ack!" Ness cried, shaking him off. She took a look at the wound. It was definitely bleeding.

"That's it, you're gonna get it! PK Rockin Alpha!"

Ness sent a psychokinetic shockwave forward, knocking Everdred into the wall of his house. He caught himself as he fell, landing on one knee and panting.

"Pretty good, kid!" he said between pants.

"Are you Everdred?" Ness asked, using Lifeup Alpha to heal her arm.

"Yes, I'm Everdred, boss of Burglin Park. When I jumped off the roof, I twisted my ankle."

"Guess that explains why you went down so easy."

"Yep. I lost and nothing will change that."

"Right. Now... Do you know where Paula Polestar is?"

"You know, you're pretty strong. And you have powers, like Paula does. So yeah, I know where she is. I own a cabin in Peaceful Rest Valley that I rented out to a chubby boy and a weird guy in a blue outfit. They kidnapped Paula and took her there, said that they were going to make her some sort of human sacrifice. They were definitely hard-core strange."

"What? Seriously?"

"Yeah. You know, she might be dead already. You'd better hurry. And if you save Paula, be sure to come back here, okay? Don't forget!"

"Yeah, sure. Guess I'm off to Peaceful Rest Valley."

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The path to Peaceful Rest Valley led through a cave, and on the way she ran into more of those walking mushrooms. Ness bashed one with her bat, but the other shot a blast of spores at her before she could get it. She felt a little strange afterwards, and felt to find a mushroom growing on her head! She tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't budge. And when she tried walk forward, she walked in the opposite direction! Okay, this was weird. It was as if this mushroom on her head was screwing up the damn signals to her brain.

As she exited the cave, she found a girl nearby with a basket full of mushrooms, gathering more from a mushroom patch.

"Isn't it a bit dangerous to be out around here alone?" Ness asked her.

"Oh! Hi! I'm hunting for mushrooms. I'm going to collect a ton. Say, can I buy the mushroom on your head?"

"What? You want the mushroom on my head?"

"Yeah! I'll pay you fifty dollars for it."

Wow... That was a lot of money for a simple mushroom. "Uh, sure... If you can pull it off."

"No problem!" The girl walked forward, reaching up and easily plucking the mushroom from Ness's head. She immediately stopped feeling strange, and found she could walk in the right direction now. Seemed only someone else could pull a mushroom off your head.

"Here's your fifty dollars!" the girl told her, reaching into her purse and handing Ness the money.

"Uh... Thanks."

"No, thank you! That was a premium mushroom you had growing on your head."

Leaving the strange girl, Ness walked deeper into Peaceful Rest Valley to find the bridge was out. So, heading further up along the river, Ness found another bridge, but a narrow path between the cliff wall and the river was blocked by... A giant iron pencil? Seriously?

Ness looked to see if there was a way around it... But nothing. It was too tall and smooth to climb over, and the path was too narrow to squeeze by it. She could jump in the river and swim around it, but she couldn't do that for two reasons. First, it was too low of a drop. She'd never be able to climb out again. The second reason was... Well... Ness actually couldn't swim. Long story, but let's just say a traumatic experience in her youth prevented her from ever learning, and leave it at that. And her inability to swim was a closely-guarded secret. If it got out that the brave, tough Ness was afraid of water deeper than her neck, she'd lose the reputation she worked so hard for.

So... the dilemma was... How was she going to get around this? Sighing, Ness turned to walk back to Twoson.

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On the way back, Ness got a call on her receiver phone. Pressing the button, she brought it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello... This is Apple Kid. I've just finished work on this great invention! Get over here as fast as you can! This thing is soooo cool! See you soon!"

He hung up, leaving Ness very curious. So, she made her way to Apple Kid's house.

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Apple Kid wasn't home. But Orange Kid was standing outside of his house, so maybe he knew where the fat genius was.

"Are you looking for that so-called genius, Apple Kid? As a true genius, I'll tell you that he's in Burglin Paark, looking for you."

"Uh... Thanks, Orange Kid."

"Anytime."

"How's your invention coming along, by the way?"

"Kinda hit a snag. I've found a flaw in one of Einstein's theorems."

"Yeah... Good luck with that."

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Sure enough, she found Apple Kid in Burglin Park, along with his mouse.

("My master, Apple Kid, has been waiting for you. We started to nod off while waiting...")

Ness merely nodded to the mouse, walking up to Apple Kid, who looked up from where he was nodding off at the sound of her footsteps.

"Sorry. I'm feeling really out of it because I've been working all night, but finally the Pencil Eraser is ready. This machine will eradicate all pencil-shaped figures in just one second. It's incredibly powerful. Just don't use it near a shop that sells pencils." Apple Kid reached into his pocket and handed Ness a small device. "Here, it's yours now."

"Uh... Thanks, Apple Kid. This may be just what I need. Now you go home and get some sleep, okay?"

"Thanks. If I invent some other brilliant item, I'll call you."

"Appreciate that."

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Ness returned to Peaceful Rest Valley, and this time she was attacked by some sort of... little UFO. It fired beams at her and was tough to hit because it kept swerving around just out of reach, but a small PK Rockin' Alpha finally trashed it.

She got to the iron pencil statue again, aiming Apple Kid's pencil eraser at it and pressing the button. Oddly enough, it worked. The iron pencil statue vanished. Ness placed her foot on the spot it previously stood to make sure it wasn't just invisible, but it was definitely gone. Impressed with Apple Kid, Ness made her way along the narrow river path and across the nearby bridge.

The path to Happy-Happy village was wrought with danger. Little UFOs and spinning robots shot beams at her, walking sprouts drained her mental energy and sprouted more of themselves, and oak trees that seemed a little territorial burst into flame whenever she dealt the killing blow. The valley was thick with all these creatures. She was relieved when she saw a cave, walking down it and into the light at the end, where she could hear other people and the sounds of civilization.

She had found Happy-Happy Village. Now she just had to find Paula.