Every man for himself…er…or woman
(BPOV)
Alice made no comment as we all piled into the car. My mind was a bit jostled –considering the events were spurring by so fast. Though, I did blatantly notice that we were in Carlisle's Mercedes.
It did come off as a bit odd, though, that this started out as a game –it was now a full out war. Or so that's what Alice referred to it as. Though, I have learned this fact –never bet against Alice.
The trees and surrounding landscape blurred past my window –idly I glanced at the speedometer 101…105…107….
The soft purr of the engine was very relaxing as we sped along the freeway. I stole a quick glance at Edward from the corner of my eye.
His hands were clenched tight in his lap, but he was steeling perpetual glances at me as well.
"Has Alice cracked, or is it really that bad." I whispered to him after a few moments. I was opting for the first, but that seemed a bit unlikely.
He quickly shook his head –jaw clenched tight. Ok I could cross that out. I guess this really was that bad.
An amused smile slowly crept across my lips, "gum in her hair?" he still looked angry, but despite himself he smirked.
"You didn't honestly expect me to let her get away unscathed." He asked; his grin gradually broadening.
I pondered that. It was true –that would have been extremely unlikely, "No. not really." I replied dryly. His smirk vanished as he stared at me.
"But I can't believe she could respond this irrationally." He hissed. I could. This was Rosalie we were discussing –she seemed like she would get very large payback. Especially since her hair was tampered with.
"Shhh." Alice turned around in her seat. "We need to be inconspicuous." She slowly shook her head.
I raised and eyebrow at her, "Alice, I highly doubt they can hear us." She glared at me, than decided to dismiss my comment, and turned back around in her seat.
No one else spoke –the silence was deafening. I leaned my head against the window, reveling in relaxing sensation coursing through me. It was dark outside, but I could still make out the outlines of the passing trees –thank you god for heightened senses.
Alice audibly sighed –I could tell she was frustrated. Her brow was furrowed in concentration, and her skin was pulled taught over her knuckle bones, "Ok, I think its safe to openly discuss this properly. I'd say that at the least we have," She looked down to check her watch, "about 30 minutes to set up, that means we are going to have to get creative." She was still glaring out the window shield as she spoke. I hadn't the least idea why she was so tense. What was the worst thing Rosalie could do? Realization donned on me then –I gulped; a gesture I'm sure went unnoticed.
"Right, I guess first things first. Does anyone have any questions?" She asked.
I raised my hand –feeling completely mental. "Yes. Bella?" She turned to look at me.
"Why exactly do we need to go to…um…Wal-Mart." A small smile crept onto her lips.
"Because dearest Bella, we need ammunition." She flashed her perfect teeth. Even in the gloom I could see the iridescent gleam they produced.
"Ammunition." I said slowly –trying the word out on my tongue. She shrugged casually, and turned around once again.
"Or ammo. If you prefer that term." I could practically hear her roll her eyes.
"Don't question her, Bella, you'll know what to do when we get there." Jasper whispered from the front seat. "Alice knows what she's doing." He sounded a bit frightened.
I saw Alice nod, "Right." She started, "Ok, now we are almost there. As soon as I park we are going to run inside. But first you all need to know your positions…hmmm" She rubbed her chin absentmindedly, "Alright, the best strategy would be to attack their weaknesses. Rosalie hates Wal-Mart's clothing…so I'll take that department. Emmett hates clowns." She turned to look at Edward. I could only imagine the instructions she was sending him telepathically.
He quickly shook his head at her, "No way Alice. I don't like clowns either." Edward didn't like clowns? Hmmm…interesting. A smug smile slowly formed on my lips.
I looked inquiringly at Alice, "If Edward doesn't want to get Emmett with the clowns…than I will." I shrugged indifferently, "it doesn't really matter."
Alice stared at me for a moment –calculating, "Alright," she said after a moment of thought, "This is what you have to do Bella, as soon as we get there you need to go straight to the toy section. Grab anything with clowns on it. And I mean anything. He will come in through the garden section, so you need to be prepared to do what ever you have to. Herd him so that he is near the clothing section. I will take it from there." She instructed.
I nodded gravely. Clowns. Garden section. Herding. Check.
She turned to face jasper, "Alright jasper, while I am dealing with Emmett you have to take Rosalie. Don't worry though. She shouldn't be that hard, considering I will have already broken her in, but I need you to steer her near the home cooking section alright?"
Jasper eyed her cagily, "Home cooking?" His tone was wary. Alice nodded. He seemed to accept that, because he didn't question her further.
"Rosalie has a long dreadful past with Tupperware. Especially Glad." Alice looked thoughtful as she spoke –remembering some faraway memory.
Edward snickered silently from beside me. Alice than turned to him, "Alright Edward, you meet Bella in the woman's lingerie section. I will meet you two there for further instructions. By then both Emmett and Rosalie should be to far into shock to do anything rash, which will give us more time. All right?"
Edwards mouth was slightly ajar, "Alice no way. No more lingerie for me." He glared at her with his jaw clenched.
Alice merely rolled hear eyes at him; undaunted, "Oh silly naïve Edward, I didn't say you had a choice." She sang cheerfully. Jasper coughed to hide a snicker. I pursed my lips.
"fine." He grumbled. I could have sworn I heard Alice whisper "good boy".
The car than came to an abrupt stop. Alice quickly unbuckled; signaling for us to stay, "Alright we have to be quick, and we can not be seen until its time. Bella remember, toy section. Clowns. Jasper home cooking. Tupperware. And Edward….woman's lingerie and bra section." She looked at each of us gravely than moved to get out of the car, "lets move out." She ordered.
Edward walked silently beside me as we moved towards Wal-Mart, "Maybe I was wrong. I think she had cracked." He whispered to me. I nodded sadly. Maybe we had all cracked.
"I heard that Edward." She hissed. Edward tensed beside me, but shut his mouth.
This Wal-Mart closed at twelve, it was now 2:30 in the morning. Or so I think that's how early it was. Alice quickly led us in through the gardening section –easily decoding the padlock. The emergency lights cast an eerie glow on the store, but it was enough to be able to see clearly.
She stopped hastily by the cash register, "go, and remember don't be seen." She than melted away into the shadows.
Edward gave me a chaste kiss good bye before following Alice's example and melting away into the shadows, "be safe." He mouthed to me.
Jasper was already gone when I turned to go to the toy section.
I didn't even pay attention to what I was looking for –grabbing anything that had a clown on it and throwing it into a pile by the garden entrance.
I grabbed a children's book and tossed it on the pile that was steadily increasing in size. I took this moment to quickly take stock of my findings.
So far I had these items: Clown shoes, a clown nose, a clown wig, clown face paint, a clown thong (which by the way was in the toy section. Though, I don't know why…) a clown jack in the box, a clown baseball hat, and a clown TV set, along with various clown unknowns. I sped down an isle, desperately searching for a clock. I let out the unnecessary breath that I had been holding, when I spot a clock on the far wall. I didn't have to ascend closer to know what it said. Ok I had about 10 minutes.
I quickly got back to work, strolling down another isle. When I rounded the corner i stopped dead in my tracks. My face hurt from the wide smile that was now plastered on my face. Oh, this could not have gone better.
The wall was littered with old clearance Halloween costumes that have been carelessly dumped on the shelf. Hanging limply over the side of the shelf was a clown costume. Had I been human I probably would have been crying from either happiness or relief. One or the other.
Quickly I stripped down to my under garments, and slipped the outfit on. It was for an adult, and felt horrible, but I'm sure it would serve its purpose wonderfully.
I got into a small toy car –the kind that little kids drive around, and waited. Though, even through my excitement, I couldn't help but wonder what the others were doing. I stole a glance at the clock one last time before sitting back to wait. 7 minutes left…
0.o.0.o
Mean while a certain Alice Cullen was mulling around in the clothing section…
I couldn't blame Rosalie…these clothes were horrible. I smiled in delight –they would be perfect. I tried to find the least matching clothes that I could. Anything that would clash quickly became my friend.
I didn't have much of a selection though, and I didn't have much time, but I think that I was doing fairly well considering the circumstances.
I looked at the pile of horrid clothes that hung over my arm, while quickly scanning over the clothing racks –searching for anything that might fit my standards.
My Eyes strayed towards the maternity clothes. I could feel my lips curling up into a small smile. Perfect.
These clothes would be like a tent on her. I quickly picked a purple top, and green bottoms with lemon yellow embroidery from the rack –paying the slightest attention to the sizes. Not like these clothes would fit her anyway, not unless she had a bowling ball attached to her stomach. I glanced at a near by clock from the corner of my eye, as I was picking out another mismatched shirt. I had 5 minutes…
Lithely, I moved from out in the open to a more seclude spot in the store, stacking the clothes next to me. The whole while I never let my gaze stray from the front entrance.
I couldn't help but wonder how Jazz was holding up though…
0.o.0.o
Mean while a blond headed Jasper Cullen was wandering insipidly near the home and cooking isle…
So many brands…so many designs. How could I possibly just pick out the Glad Tupperware. I had never noticed how many products humans had for food until now…
The plastic tubs were fascinating, and according to the label, some of them were even microwave able.
I was sure that Esme had some of these lying around the house. I pulled out a random plastic tub…running my hand over the smooth exterior. They didn't have anything like this back when I was human –they didn't have Wal-Mart's either. I grinned sheepishly to myself.
I absentmindedly put the tub back, heading down another near by isle.
What I saw caused me to stop and stare. Whoever came up with this product was officially my hero. There were so many brands, so many colors, and so many logos. I had, of course, heard of cereal before. I mean who hasn't? but this was surreal. There was a whole entire isle devoted to this grotesque breakfast item, and yet I couldn't look away.
Randomly I selected a brown box; cocoa puffs. Hmmm…these looked interesting.
I studied the box more thoroughly. According to the bird on the box, they were munchy, crunchy, and chocolatety. All in one cereal to. I placed the box back, and continued to look at the colorful array of boxes.
One in particular caused me to stop and look more closely at it. I wasn't sure what was so interesting, maybe the colors, but I couldn't help but be mesmerized by the Lucky Charms.
I slowly picked up the box and began to read the little phrases that littered the front of the box.
Quickly I dropped the box –as if it were tainted. Which, it might as well have been. I had never in my life seen something so disturbing. That leprechaun was definitely evil.
I continued to make my way down the isle, stopping here or there, but than I saw another box that sparked my interest.
TRIX.
I carefully picked up the box, and started to read.
I had learned a great deal from these cereal boxes. The first thing that I have learned is that some cereal makes noises when milk is poured on it. I found that fascinating. The second thing I learned was that the lucky charms dude is evil, and I will make it one of my sole purposes in life to be rid the world of its evil. Lastly, I learned that Trix is for kids and not for silly Rabbits.
Though, I think that is debatable. I mean shouldn't the rabbit be able to enjoy a breakfast cereal as much as those stupid little kids. It's just a damn breakfast cereal for goodness sake. Shouldn't the rabbit get some of the Trix?
Ok I am officially siding with the Trix rabbit. Those kids will eventually hand over the cereal. That is going to be my next goal in life; make sure the rabbit gets some Trix once and for all.
I placed all of the cereal boxes back, before looking one last time at a clock on the west wall. 3 minutes till they arrived…
I quickly went back into the home and cooking isle, pulling out some tubs of Glad in the process. Than I crouched down by the side of isle –hiding in the shadows.
I wonder what Edward was doing….
0.o.0.o
Mean while an absurdly handsome vampire, Edward Cullen, was trying to retain his sanity while waiting in the woman lingerie and bra section…
Every where I looked, they were there.
Small ones, large ones, padded ones, see through ones, netted, pushup, pink, silk, polka dotted, blue. For god sakes they even had heated ones. My god has the world gone mad.
I took in an unneeded breath –a futile attempt to calm my self. This stupid article of clothing has reduced me to crawling on my hands and knees on the floor of Wal-Mart. There was something seriously sick and wrong with this. I shut my eyes tightly.
Maybe, I reasoned, if I don't see them I will be alright. No! I can still see them clearly in my mind.
I keeled over onto my side –eyes still shut. The whole action was inept and pointless, but that didn't stop me from trying. As far as I was concerned, all rational thoughts and actions were thrown out the window as soon as I pulled out Rosalie's 'gift'. I was determined to get rid of the horrid images.
My teeth clenched together at the thought –I slowly opened my eyes. The gray, dreary carpet of Wal-Mart met my gaze. Internally I groaned.
I felt something land on my head, and reached up to feel what it was –my hand came in contact with a bra cup. Ugh! Would I never be free.
Quickly, I pried it off my head and flung it down on the ground.
So much lingerie, so much lingerie, so much lingerie, so much lingerie, so much lingerie. To much lingerie.
I reluctantly opened one eye and looked at the clock on the West wall –I was fairly certain that jasper was near, but one can never tell anymore. They would be hear in 3…2…1… The war had begun.
I slowly shrank back against the wall–masked by the endless racks of bras, and other unknowns.