AN-
Hey, guys here's the next chapter. Thanks again for the reviews I always enjoy reading them!
This chapter is a couple of months after the incident. It's exploring some of the lesser talked parts of recovery or the aftermath of this kind of trauma. I hope you guys like the chapter. I'm always really nervous about posting for this work, I really don't know how the story is being recieved...
Anyway... I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think.
She successfully hadn't thought about that night, not really until about two months later. Even then she hadn't exactly wanted to think about it. She thought she really was doing well with it all. Hardly phased her. No one could tell, though Alex and Maggie seemed to get a little more anxious about the whole thing each time Kara told them she was fine with one of her trademark smiles as if nothing happened at all. And much to Kara's relief Lucy had been in DC dealing with stuff for the last two months and hasn't seen the blonde to really talk.
It all came back though after a press conference, a literal conference for members of the press, Kara had attended with CatCO. In her "round table" there had been a younger guy, about her age, that worked in National City also. She thought he was kind of cute he had a Bruno Mars kind of vibe to him. He was funny and easy enough to talk to at the conference and at dinner when they would go out as a group at night. So when he asked her on a date once they got back to the city she really hadn't given it a second thought before saying yes.
Alex on the other hand was really nervous for Kara. Maggie had to basically slap her to get her to focus as she rambled on during their nightly updates after work. It had become clear that Kara was in total denial about what happened though some days Alex could see reality settling in a little bit heavier on her sister than others.
Kara hadn't been able to focus at all. She'd damn near lost any motivation she had. She kept isolating herself further and further too. Worst of all, Alex could almost visibly see Kara beating herself up about losing her virginity. Blaming herself. So after she'd talked it over with Maggie who had insisted that "Maybe it'll be good for her Al. Maybe she needs this." Alex had encouraged her to go when Kara had seemed a little apprehensive.
With the apprehension Alex wanted to take her little sister by the shoulders, shake her, and yell, "If it was just sex then why the hell are you scared about at date?! Kara what happened wasn't your fault and you can't just go on pretending!" But she didn't because, for one, Maggie would actually murder her, and two as frustrating as it was to watch Alex knew that deep down Kara knew and was doing the best she could to keep going.
After all it was only lunch with what is basically a work acquaintance of Kara's. And really, he seemed like a nice enough guy in what she could find. "No Maggie, no I didn't stalk him." She had to defend when her fiance asked only to be answered that "yeah, he seemed ok. Checked out fine."
So Kara agrees to go. She's nervous but the good kind all the night before, then the morning of she gets up early to go flying before she gets ready. She smiles as she remembers the conference a two weeks ago.
"Miss Danvers, what are your thoughts?" A smiling face calls her back from the absolutely nowhere her mind had been. Jamal, the facilitator of the round table she was sitting at at a journalism conference cat had insisted she go to - "Go, make connections. Learn something" - had such a kind smile it eased that hurt Kara was trying so hard to pretend didn't exist.
"Please call me Kara. But I agree," She motions to the side of the table doing most of the talking, hoping and praying that she could BS her way through this. She really hadn't been paying a lick of attention. "With John, As journalists I think ideally we should care more about the facts than the scoop. It would be beneficial to have a solid understanding of statistics and the mathematical workings in these polls too so we can be more articulate when going to inform the public. I think we have an obligation to understand the numbers and where they came from so we can be responsible with our presentation of information." Where did you pull that from? Nice work.
"Very well said. I can see Snapper is rubbing off on you." An older gentleman seated at the table comments as the director of the conference steps to the podium at the front of the room announcing a brief recess and coffee break.
Kara is on her way to the coffee shop just across the way when she hears the patter of feet behind her. "Hey, Kara, wait up." The shorter man jogs up next to her as she starts to open the door to the little joint she'd discovered on the first day of the conference. "That was really good stuff. I think the table could really benefit from more of your input but I understand if you would rather just observe."
Though Kara did like to listen first, a trait she was slowly stealing from Maggie - she often wasn't even really sitting at that table. It was so hard for her to stay focused anymore and trying to fight to keep her mind in the moment was so exhausting she had to let it go sometimes. The only problem was that she honestly didn't really know where it ever went. "Oh, thank you Jamal. That's very kind of you."
The young man, no older than herself, gave a ½ dimpled smile, his bright white teeth made more so by his darker skin. "Can I buy you a coffee?"
"You don't have to…"
"Allow me, please. I really would really like to get to know you better before the end of this."
"Thanks - I'll have a small caramel macchiato please."
"Make that a large. I'll have that as well. Thanks Kenna. Oh, how was that interview, for the scholarship, right?"
"That'll be right out for you Jamal. And it went well. Thank you for remembering."
"I'm so happy for you, keep the change."
And this man's open care about from what Kara could glean was a barista at a coffee shop he frequented and nothing else - no personal connection whatsoever. This guy actually cared. It was refreshing and frankly making him more attractive than Kara already found him. Taking a deep breath Kara offered to exchange contact information with the young man which he reacted with another dazzling smile.
After weeks of texting back and forth Jamal would send her songs to "expand her musical horizons" after she mentioned her lack of musical knowledge when he told her one of his hobbies was exploring vinyl stores. Titles such as "Just my type" "Lets Stay Together", "Dance with Me", "You ain't seen nothing yet", and "Give it a Shot"- started popping up in texts. THis gy was pretty smooth but Kara was a little wary to jump in to dating. She couldn't place why but she knew that it probably wasn't the best idea just yet.
She felt so off about it still and she had no idea why. Over the last two months Maggie and Alex hand been around and checked on her in their own ways but the damn Kryptonian was so deep in denial she'd pretty much blocked out the first day of the year entirely. So when Jamal asked for a date, Maggie and Alex encouraged her to go so Kara responded with a brief - looking forward to it :)
When she gets back to the apartment from her morning flight, that actually did help relax her. It was the only thing that could do that anymore. She didn't know why the wind in her face made her feel so alive like she could just let the world fall away and that it was actually ok. Landing back on her hardwood floor she decides on a pretty casual outfit. Skinny Jeans, duck boots, and a forest green under armour stretch hoodie shirt thing that was both warm and stylish. What mattered though is she felt pretty comfortable in this. It wasn't suggestive or anything. Just kinda chill.
He showed up and was in a similarly relaxed outfit. Jeans. Loose hoodie shirt of his own and a snap-back. When he walked up to the door he handed her flowers but other than that it didn't feel much like a date to Kara as they ate lunch. The conversation was easy. They talked about random things and jokes and though it was kind of nice, if Kara was being honest she wasn't really feeling it. He was a nice guy but there didn't feel like there was much of anything there and some of the jokes Jamal made weren't exactly funny. Like the time her called her a strong independent black woman… And Kara nearly choked on her sandwich at that because what the hell?
It wasn't til they drove to an antique shop to waste some time that Kara started to regret letting Alex convince her this was a good idea. Jamal was so cute as they walked around. Asking the old lady who worked there about different paintings and records they had. Kara just kind of browsed until he was done. She was fine with that. She liked looking at old human things. A lot of them didn't make sense to her. When they were young Alex often had to explain the rudimentary machines or even why humans kept old junk like this around. Now Kara kind of enjoyed it. It was lasting. It told a story.
She was called from her thoughts when Jamal put his hand on her lower back. She really hadn't known where he came from but all of the sudden he was trying to steer her deeper into the store to check out some other stuff. Her stomach jumped into her throat and she had to fight to keep from panicking. Something she had gotten quite good at over the last two months. Though it'd gotten easier the more she didn't think about it.
So she simply reached up and took his hand in hers. Because first of all, no. Don't steer me like I'm some woman in the 1800s who doesn't know where to go. Is her initial thought even though she thinks of how nice it would be to have someone who she would trust to lead her like that. Someone that could do that in a way that didn't feel utterly degrading. But if she was being honest it was the fact that he came up behind her and touched her back. She hated that. Ever since… she couldn't stand someone touching below her shoulder blades on her back. It made her whole body tingle with this terrible sort of energy that screamed at her that something wasn't right. But for now she could usually turn away or get herself out of it without the other person being any the wiser.
Jamal though…. He kept putting his hand there and she kept turning away and taking it in her own so it was occupied with something else. It went on for a while until he came up behind her again and put both hands on her hips.
She knew she had gone rigid. She knew she jumped slightly and even let out a little yelp. The air got trapped in her lungs and her heart thundered in her chest. In that moment everything she'd been trying to block out for two months came back like a wall of water rushing down a dry river bed.
She knew exactly what that reminded her of. Though Jamal's squeeze was gentle and meant to get her attention enough to get her to turn around. It was meant to be cute. It was a way he was trying to -not so subtly- tell her he was interested. Yet, she still went rigid so she stepped forward out of his touch and asked if he was ready to head back and that she needed to finish some things up on an article due tomorrow. Of course he had agreed and he took her hand and let her lead him back to the car. He didn't even seem to question why their date had come to an abrupt stop or register that his hands had been the reason.
When they parked at her place is where it got worse. Kara's heart was still thundering against her ribs, her hands sweating so much gripping the steering wheel was more difficult than it should have been. Kara just wanted it to end but in a way she had a good enough time and she didn't want to be alone again. Not like this.
What Kara didn't know was that Maggie and Alex were over and watched the whole thing as the two said goodbye. Which would have been amusing as hell if they hadn't seen Kara's discomfort even from Kara's 15th floor window.
Jamal was standing in front of Kara, he had put his hands on her hips again. "I had a really fun time. Maybe next time we can do something in my neck of the woods." He said with a smile Kara just blushed and responded with something akin to "yeah, me too." With a shy smile because yeah she had actually had fun but she didn't know what was coming next. Well she did know. She was dreading what was coming next.
So when Jamal leaned in to kiss her, standing just a little bit on his toes because he was about an inch shorter than Kara. Kara twisted her head at the last minute so he caught her cheek. Embarrassed and not quite sure where that had come from she closed her eyes and tucked her head into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug.
She really didn't know why she did that either. It wasn't like she was super comfortable with the guy. But her body had been screaming to be held close and comforted. This wasn't that but it pacified that need a little bit even though she was still freaking out a little bit. It was the damndest thing. She didn't want to be. She wanted to be able to kiss him. She did. But Kissing lead to other stuff and other stuff lead to …. Other stuff.
Before it got any more uncomfortable for either of them or before Kara could think about his extra appendage that was actually very near her in this position… too late she'd thought about it. Idiot. With her arms looped around his neck, a little like she had done with Ricky at her 7th grade dance… she slowly leaned in all the while trying to talk herself into kissing him the way he so clearly wanted to be… Much to her own embarrassment she kissed him on the cheek, whispered an apology, and rushed inside. She felt like such an idiot. Like such an ungrateful, stuck up girl. Like she was unnecessarily leading him on and playing hard to get. He had been so nice but Kara watched him drive away through the door to her building with a wave of relief washing over her.
Walking up the stairs to her apartment gave her heart a different reason to beat a little more quickly than normal. Not that the Kryptonian got winded going up the stairs or anything but mind tricks helped her calm down. Kara entered the apartment as she let out a deep sigh fighting the urge to sink to the floor just on the other side of her door and curl into a ball. The younger woman nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees Alex on her couch watching her carefully.
It had taken Kara a while to get up to the apartment and the older sister was starting to get concerned. Though with one look at the way Kara's posture sags with a defeated sort of exhaustion Alex senses some realization about what happened two months ago. Like Kara has finally got a clue that what happened two months ago was not ok, and it was significant, and as hard as she was trying she hadn't forgotten it or moved on. "What happened?" She asks as she slides over on the couch making room for Kara to plop down next to her.
Her little sister buries her face in her hands before starting. "I was so afraid, Alex. He just wanted a kiss. I could tell and I got so afraid. And I felt so guilty it was almost hurting because he was so nice and I wanted to want to kiss him. I did but it wasn't there and I was so afraid of what would happen after that. And um when we were walking around the antique shop he was behind me and put his hands on my hips and it freaked me out. Like a lot. And, and he tried to steer me around by a hand on the small of my back. In the car we held hands and that was fine. Then it was time to part ways.. We hugged. I could tell he wanted a kiss.. Alex I did the last second turn so it was on my cheek. I wanted to want to kiss him. Then we stood there with my arms around his neck. I couldn't do it. I tried so hard to talk myself into it but I couldn't. I was starting to panic so I kissed his cheek and we went our separate ways."
Alex stays quiet for a little while longer waiting out any more ramble that might tumble over Kara's lips because when her little sister got going like this there really was no telling when she'd be done. "Why is this happening Alex? I'm fine. He was so nice and I just… What is wrong with me?"
"There is nothing wrong with you." She pulls her little sister into another hug a little thankful that Maggie had stepped out to take a work call. As much as Kara leaned on Maggie and trusted her too this was something she was only going to tell Alex first. God.. Kara just felt so broken. None of what happened today should have mattered. He didn't do anything wrong. Not at all. But it sure as hell felt like something was wrong.
"Then why does it feel like it?" She mumbles as she sits up and away from her older sister's embrace. She didn't want to be touched or comforted right now. She just wanted to know why everything felt so terrible all the time. Why out of nowhere her knees would nearly buckle as she walked when her mind drifted a little too close to what it was trying to forget. Why sometimes she couldn't breathe. Why she trembled like a hypothermic dog abandoned by its family. Why the first comparison she could think of was a cast aside dog and not just someone shaking for literally any other reason. Why her heart felt so heavy inside the gaping hole of her chest. Why nothing felt ok. Not even a little bit.
"You've been in denial, Kara."
"Alex." Don't. Don't you dare.
"I watch you sit and stare at your blank computer screen. I watch you almost break into tears when you think no one is looking. I watch you position yourself so you have some protection at your back. I watch you shy away from physical contact. I watch how you can't be alone with any men but J'ohn, Winn, or James anymore. There are so many other things you do it's not worth making a whole list. You are not ok."
"I'm not a victim."
"No, Kara, you're a survivor."
"I'm not that either! Alex I didn't survive anything either. It's just something that happened. It's no more his fault then mine."
"You have to quit blaming yourself."
"It was my fault!" She stands from the couch waving her arms frantically trying to get her point across to the most stubborn person in the the entire universe. "I kissed him and I was ok with his hand in my pants a little bit. I wish it had felt good. Part of me thinks the only reason I wanted it to stop was because it hurt so bad. But I said NOTHING. He couldn't have known. How is that his fault? How is that what you keep trying to convince me it was?"
You can't even say the word, Kara. What the hell else do you think would make this so hard for you? "You were shaking! You pulled away, You were crying, you were tense, Kara that is not how sex works. For the life of me… I don't understand how you think that was ok."
"He was drunk too. I was pretty obviously blacked but he was really drunk too. And I remember my body reacting. I moved my legs to give him more access. Isn't that a mixed signal? I don't know why I did that. I didn't want to yet I did so clearly on some level I wanted it. Then… then I let him move me. I'm the strongest person on this planet Alex and he just moved me like I was some sort of rag doll. I have no idea what the hell was going on with me! How can I just sit here and say I didn't want it, that I know I didn't want it when all that other stuff happened?"
"Why are you making excuses for him?" The eldest stands up now with crossed arms giving Kara the only look in the world, aside from Eliza's one of similar intensity, to make her shrink back a little.
"Alex! It's not about that. He isn't a…. He isn't a rapist." I WASN'T RAPED! Why do you think that?! Why wouldn't I have immediately jumped to that conclusion myself? Why did I fall back asleep on him, twice? Why was I sad when he left a few hours later? Huh? Why….
"What if he does that to someone one else?" Keep going, Alex. You've almost got her. She gives herself a pep-talk. As much as this hurt her, and hurt Kara, her sister needed realize it wasn't her fault. Maybe then she could start getting better because if she got much worse Alex was truly afraid for Kara. With the dangers of her job she really couldn't afford to not have a grasp on reality.
"He won't. It was a shitty situation. I was drunk. I gave mixed signals. I... this is my fault Alex, not his and I have to live with that." Just like I have to live with everything else. Kara crosses her arms over her chest as if squeezing them against her rib cage would make the ache just below her sternum go away. God why did she feel so damn empty?
"Do you really believe that? What if it was Winn or James or Clarke who had done that to a girl?"
"I'd be pissed at them but I wouldn't think they were rapists. But they'd know better. Even if the didn't because they were drunk too… I wouldn't think it should ruin their lives. All the good they do. But they wouldn't." She says arms still crossed getting more and more frustrated that Alex wouldn't just let this go. It was two months ago now… it was time to move on. It was time to forget. Besides, it wasn't fair to compare him to those men. Those men were the best she knew.
"That's exactly my point! Kara they wouldn't do that! It's not ok! It is never ok and will never be ok!" Alex wiped over her face with her hand pausing a moment to squeeze her temples trying to drive out some of the frustration. God Kara was dense sometimes. Patience, Alex. Be patient with her. You have no idea how hard this is for her. She doesn't need you screaming at her. "Kara, please. Just… just consider it for a second. Believe yourself that you didn't want that. Trust your instincts. That guy touching your back today wouldn't have freaked you out if everything was ok. I know you know that."
The apartment goes quiet as the two stand there completely oblivious that Maggie had stepped back in and was hanging out in the kitchen just observing. She watched as Kara turned toward the window to face away from her sister, her arms crossing over her chest again. Not in the I'm angry and if I don't cross my arms I'll hit something way but the vulnerable I have to hold myself together way. "I'm supergirl, Alex."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Alex looks up from where she had allowed her eyes to go out of focus as the thought hard about how to help Kara because this clearly wasn't helping. And she felt like a jerk for it she really did. But she was frustrated and trying and Kara was just… it was frustrating. As she thinks a little while longer on what her sister had just said, as she reminded Alex that she was in fact an indestructible superhero who could pick up a car with her pinky… yeah she was supergirl… and?... "Oh… oh no. NO nono. I know you aren't going there." Alex felt the frustration coming back rapidly. She really wished Maggie would come back in and help smooth this over. And now that she'd figured out what Kara was trying to say she really needed that. How could Kara think that?
"Am I wrong? AM. I. WRONG?" Kara watched her sister get angry again as she prepared for another fight. She just hoped the neighbours couldn't hear the topic. There was no question they'd heard some yelling. But Kara was getting kinda angry that Alex wouldn't listen to her. Getting angry at Alex's frustrations. Getting angry at herself for letting Alex make a big deal where there was none. Getting angry at herself for knowing deep down that her sister was right.
"YES!" The older sister softened immediately when Kara flinched and took a step back. But Kara just wanted Alex to have said she couldn't fight anymore and leave. She needed that. She needed to be alone so she could maybe finally break down on her own. So Alex couldn't see how broken she felt all the damn time anymore even though she was trying so hard not to be. She just didn't have the energy. "Oh, Kara… you are not weak. Not even close. This doesn't take anything from that, either way it happened. This doesn't make you undeserving of little girls admiration or incapable of protecting people. It doesn't."
Kara was honestly surprised she hadn't started bawling then and there. Because that was one of the biggest things she was struggling. The amount of times she wanted to correct the press when the called her a role model - how could she be when she'd gotten that drunk… when she'd gone against her values like that. Or when she questioned if she really was the best protector for the city - how could she be if she'd just let something like that happen… "I wish this wasn't such a big deal. It shouldn't be a big deal. It's not. I should be fine. I need to be fine."
"I think talking to someone might give you some clarity. They would help."
"No. No way. Talking about it isn't going to help. Alex, I'm fine." In Kara's head there was this sort of step looking graph, or maybe it was a bell curve, either way… of strength a person had. Level one was being so strong you didn't need to talk about it. You didn't need help. Level two was needing to talk about it but being strong enough to actually talk about it and confront the problem. Level three… where she was… was the most pitiful, and unacceptable place of all. Needing to talk about it, knowing there was something to confront and not possessing the strength to do either.
She desperately wanted to be at level one. Wanted to say she was strong where she was so clearly not...
A little voice in the back of her head yelled at her and told her that none of that was true. That if anyone had said those things about anyone other than her that she'd tear them to shreds for being insensitive and just flat out wrong. And she was. She was so damn wrong.
"We've already established that you aren't." Alex waves her hands in front of her as if to motion to the yelling match they'd just had. Where the fuck is Maggie? Right on que Alex feels a hand on her shoulder giving it a small squeeze.
"As important as I think this conversation is. We have to go. I just got a call about a couple of robberies downtown and there's some casualties. I expect you guys will get the call soon too." As if to prove her point Alex's phone buzzes on her hip and Kara's jumps to life where she had deposited it on the kitchen counter when she'd walked in. "And Little Danvers before you jump into blaming yourself about not being there and not hearing it…. These were done by some sort of Alien with what they're saying was some sort of telepathic capability. We will meet you there. Fly safe."
Before Maggie can even finish the sentence Kara is off. She spins Alex around and grabs her shoulders. "As for you," She kisses her fiance's forehead only having to stand on her tippy-toes a little bit, her boots giving her a boost compared to Alex's bare feet and slumped posture. "Take it easy on her, ok? It's going to take time and everyone deals with this differently. I know you're trying to do what's best for her and I know this is killing you too but it's going to be ok." When Alex nods incapable of responding with words like an actual grown up Maggie smiles that soft little smile and plants a quick kiss to her lips. "Let's go save the city. Again. We'll take care of Kara after. Ok?"
"Yeah. Ok. Race ya there." She forces a smile as the two leave the apartment, very glad that they had both brought their motorcycles with them for this trip to Kara's. Alex could use the distraction.
Later that evening Kara takes a deep breath as she types "Tips for rape recovery" into the incognito window on her phone. She had to have typed the "tips for" part about a million times before finally typing out the "r" word. This felt just like an admission of something and it was kind of a big step but if she couldn't even go on dates? If she couldn't let a guy touch her lower back without freaking out? There was something really wrong. There was something wrong with her and she needed to know how to fix it.
Now with any google search there are things that pop up that aren't exactly helpful and there were certainly things that popped up that made her face flush. The repetitive mention of … um… mas-... of touching yourself as a tool for healing was surprising to say the least.
It's not like Kara had never done it. She was a woman, a curious woman, after all and well… yeah she'd done it. But since New Years the activity hadn't even crossed her mind. Her cheeks grow another shade deeper as she takes a deep breath, relishing the feeling of her soft bed and pillows cradling her worn out body from a day of flying circles over the city and finding absolutely nothing on these new robbers.
Figuring that the fastest way to get over something was to go head on at the problem Kara rolls to her side, knees slightly curled to her chest, and with a deep breath she lets her hand slide in the back waistband of her shorts and panties. Letting the breath out she reaches down and somewhat-around to reach her most sensitive places. However when her arm parts her cheeks due to the logistics of the whole thing…. She freezes. She's stuck there, but not there as in her room, there as in New Years Eve with him behind her. With him…
The Kryptonian has to force herself to swallow bast the bile raising up in her throat but she can't make herself remove her hand or even move it so it doesn't feel so remiciant of that night for at least another ten minutes. Slowly, eventually, she pulls her hand back and tried to take breaths slow and steady to ease the quivering of her body. It's no use. Her lungs have forgotten how to work. She's not breathing. Shure she was damn near panting but none of that was getting where it needed to go. And she was trembling so hard there's not really a worthy comparison to it. It grew worse with teach passing moment so Kara did the only thing she could think to do.
She flew to Alex' hero in pajamas stumbles into her sister's apartment knocking over one of the tables her and Maggie had set up behind a couch. "What the… Kara come on…" Alex's annoyed expression melts away before it could even fully manifest. "Kara. Kara nod if you can hear me." The Kryptonian does as told but her eyes are still as unfocused as ever, he breathing erratic, and shaking more than Alex had ever seen. So much so a little voice in the back of her head tells her to be concerned with Kara starting an earthquake.
Without thinking better of it, Alex hugs Kara to her squeezing her tight as Kara buries her head into the hollow of her older sister's shoulder. "We're going to stay here till you hug me back."
"Ok." It's weak and barely audible but it was there. At least she'd gotten a response. Kara leans back against the wall focusing on the feeling of the wall on her upper back and the warmth of Alex pressed tight to her front. Their thighs, their stomachs, their chests. Kara feels Alex's slow breaths and starts to do her best to match it. It does little to ease the quivering but at least now she's breathing.
The longer they stay like that the less aware Kara is that she's shaking and her muscles are flexed and string as she tries to delay the tremors. All she knows is she wants to cry but the tears don't come. She feels herself calming down, well not really, she's semi-successfully fighting how much her body shakes. Alex continues to hold her, not saying a word, not moving her hands, just providing pressure at this point, and supporting her sister's weight. Eventually though she cannot fight the tremors any more and her chest tightens to where she can't breath.
And just like that she's hyperventilating again. Damn it. Calm down. You're fine. Why are you like this? "Shhhh Kara. I have you." The older sister squeezes her around her middle but when her hands drop below an invisible line on Kara's back the panic gets worse. Without a word Alex moves her hands a little higher and the shaking eases. Kara strains into her. She can feel her little sister trying not to shake as she tensed her muscles, eventually growing tired, shaking more, tensing again, and around and around it goes. "Easy Kara. Easy. Focus on breathing. The shaking will stop eventually. Don't fight it. Just breathe."
"I'm ok. I'm fine." Chatters from those usually so bright pearly whites. Kara doesn't even believe it herself really. But her mind feels fine. She isn't thinking about it, she isn't afraid. Nothing. Her mind feels blank beyond reason but her body… it won't calm down. She still is having trouble breathing and this shaking stuff... She feels fine. She really does. But then why won't this stop? She just wants it to stop.
"It's ok. I know. You're body is reacting Kara. It will go away eventually. Breathe sis, try to close your eyes."
"I... I'm trying." She mutters as she sinks to the floor, Alex following with her. The cycle continues as Kara finds it easier to stop shaking for a few minutes at a time if she strains her arms into the tops of her thighs with her knees pulled to her chest. Alex just sits next to her, an arm around her shoulder letting Kara lean sideways into her. "I'm so sorry."
"It's ok Kara. I promise you it's ok."
"What's going on out here?" Neither of the two sisters had noticed a very sleepy Maggie shuffling her way out from her and Alex's bedroom, rubbing the sleep from her eyes before catching a small yawn on the back of her fist as the room came into focus. Similar to Alex, when Maggie sees a quivering blonde on the floor with Alex sitting beside her the sleepiness leaves her immediately.
The detective takes her post on the other side of the young woman her arm wrapping around Kara's back as well. Kara doesn't really register the conversation between the two women that's literally going on around her as they lean forward and backward trying to make some sort of eye contact around her quivering, uncooperative body. She does, however, register that Alex said it was almost three A.M. She'd been at this for hours.
Kara has no idea how much longer they are there for but eventually the shaking becomes less constant, more and more a few "aftershocks" spaced further and further apart. "There you go Little Danvers. You're safe. We've got you." And that's the last thing Kara remembers before waking up with a blanket around her, a pillow under her head, and Maggie holding her into her chest.
"Hey, Kar." Alex whispers squatting down to be more level with her sister. "How are you doing?"
"I'm ok. What time is it?" She wants to just forget about the reason she's sleeping on her sister's floor wrapped in her fiance's arms.
"Almost eight. I can call in if you want. I think you should take the day and rest. Last night is going to have taken a lot out of you."
"No, no. I'm ok. I'll have a bunch of stuff I have to get done. It'll be ok." And before either one of the two can protest Kara is out the door. And sitting in Lucy's office starting on her work for Cat. Not that it was much use anyway. Kara was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep. Her body, her kryptonian body hurt. Her head hurt. Her jaw was sore. She could hardly keep her eyes open let alone focused.
What on earth had sheen been thinking last night… thinking she could do that and be ok? Why would she even do that? Why would she give what it was more of a solid validity in her mind by googling that. It had been the first time she'd referred to what happened as the "r" word. Then she thought doing something that always made her feel so guilty would be good? Clearly she wasn't thinking at all. Besides part of the reason she was having such a hard time accepting this was because she had pleasured herself before. At least she had tried to. And if she could do that didn't that mean that she would want to have sex too? She'd read things too as that happened that gave her an idea of how to act when with a human. It was curious to her and she wanted to, on some level, see what it was all about, what all the hype was, so maybe she had wanted it that night… maybe he didn't do something totally unwanted.
But then she thinks a little harder on the matter and no, she didn't want what happened. Even though she was drunk out of her mind she didn't want that to happen. She didn't want to let him touch her like that. But she did. She didn't want him to do that. To penetrate her. In any way. But he did. And she couldn't remember if she had told him not to or not.
Why the hell did this have to be so damn confusing. It should be easy. It should be black and white. It should be blatantly obvious. But. It. Wasn't. And Kara felt like an idiot for that.
Lucy watches her friend carefully from behind her desk as she contemplates something. "Kara." She'd just returned from two months in DC testifying in front of the house and senate in secret herings and briefing President Marsdin on everything going on. Kara and a team had just finished up cleaning up some banks where the extraterrestrial thief was causing all kinds of problems. She hadn't seen the blonde hero in a few weeks longer than that, not aside from their snapchats or occasional video call. They haven't talked much since those panicked texts she'd received on New Year's morning. And now here Kara was sitting in her office just like she normally did hanging out but instead of working on an article or whatever it is that Kara does while Lucy works she's sitting there. Just sitting there so far into space she's probably halfway to Krypton by now.
It'd been like that for the last week. The blonde sitting in her favorite chair in Lucy's office blue eyes more distant than Lucy had ever seen them. She hadn't pushed. Not yet. But she wasn't blind and she noticed the way that Alex kept a careful eye on her sister and the way Kara seemed to avoid Alex. She wasn't blind to the fact that Maggie was around more often and seemed to keep a closer proximity to Kara, her chest out and shoulders square to make herself bigger. Alex did the same thing when she was trying to be Kara's shield of sorts. Dr. Hamilton was more tender with the blonde as well. "Kara."
She'd even noticed that Kara stepped outside more often and it seemed like the blonde had to force herself to keep breathing. She didn't hug anyone but the women in her life anymore or Winn or J'hon. Not even James. Something was wrong and Lucy was getting worried. Kara seemed more zombie like every day, just going on autopilot more and more with each passing hour. "Kara."
Supergirl was getting beat up a little more than normal too. Lucy hadn't seen an article published from the young reporter in about three weeks either. "KARA."
"Yeah, what's up? Sorry kinda zoned out there." The blonde blinks a few times before her eyes find Lucy's. Kara enjoyed the time they spent together just hanging out. She liked that she had a friend that she could just hang out with like this, the way her and Alex did sometimes but with less talking. Her and Maggie did this too sometimes. She needed it. God knows she needed it. The company was so nice and often times Kara thought it was the only thing helping her get through each day. She wanted to be held. Kara craved to be held but she wouldn't let herself ask for it. Because then… then she'd actually have to admit that the first few days of 2018 happened.
"I'd noticed." The ex-army officer stands slowly and makes her way to the door. She takes a deep breath taking in the main floor of the DEO before shutting the door with her other hand wiping at the side of her face. "What's going on with you?"
"Huh? Nothing. Nothing's going on with me." Kara wipes her hands over her thighs and adjusts her glasses. "Just uh, you know, busy with CatCo and cape stuff. The usual." The hero tries to shrug but is left rubbing at her eyes Lucy has an awful feeling that if the girl in her office was human she'd have some pretty dark circles beneath her eyes.
"You realize it's literally my job to see through lies right?" Lucy drags her rolly chair from behind her desk and takes a seat slowly as she keeps her eyes glued to Kara's. "You have to tell me what's going on with you, Kara. You're work is slipping and this isn't like you. Talk to me."
Kara scoots forward in her chair and rests her elbows on her knees before she hides her face behind her hands. "I'm fine, Lucy. I promise. I'm working on getting back on track. It's… I don't want to get into it." She glances up at her friend, eyes growing wide as she pleads with the director. "Please let it go. I'm handling it." The reporter stands pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail. "I've gotta get into the office."
"Kara." The older woman stands making sure to keep her voice even but slightly more tender then it had been just moments prior. Something was going on and Lucy 'd be damned if she didn't she wasn't there for one of the only ones to give her a real chance at first. Someone who'd turned into one of the best friends Lucy had ever had. "Kara, wait."
The blonde pauses at the closed door, hand resting on the handle, she turns back to her friend. In that moment Lucy really didn't know what people were talking about when they compared Kara to a puppy because a puppy didn't even hold a candle to the sad eyes that the woman in front of her was giving. "Sit back down. The company would be really nice. I didn't exactly have a great couple of months in DC. Ok?"
"Ok. Okay. I'm sorry." She sits back into the chair carefully as she watches Lucy make her way back behind her desk. Kara didn't exactly know what she was apologizing for but she felt like she should anyway. She'd been on edge lately and she didn't really know why. It wasn't fair to her friends that she keep pushing them away for no reason. Just because she was defensive about something didn't mean she got to be a jerk.
Lucy just offered her friend a shrug. She knew telling Kara there wasn't anything to apologize for wouldn't help and if she knew Kara like she thought she did it'd only be about 5 minutes until the blonde started to open up about what had been on her mind. The lawyer felt a little guilty about using her friends tendencies to find out what was going on but she had a bad feeling in her gut about whatever it was. And if this was a way she could help Kara than that was exactly what she was going to do.
The associate director continued to type emails and finish up a couple of spreadsheets glancing over the top of her monitor every so often to check on the Kryptonian who had checked back out. About ten minutes after she'd sat back down Kara makes eye contact with Lucy as she checks on her again. So it was ten instead of five… big whoop. The lawyer gives the woman a soft smile before looking back at her screen. And three… two… one…
"Hey, Luce." Still got it. "There is… there is kinda something bothering me." No kidding, Sister. Lucy fights her first instinct to roll her eyes and shuts her laptop folding her hands and leaning over her desk just a little. "Remember when I text you on New Years?"
Oh, shit. "Yeah. Kara… there's nothing wrong with regretting decisions that you made. Ok? And there is nothing wrong with the decisions you made either. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to help and I know you probably aren't meaning to and it's easier said than done but forgive yourself. It still doesn't change who you are or what you stand for."
"I, uh, what if I didn't make a decision? What if… What if I… What if it… "
"Kara. Breathe. What are you trying to say?"
"I don't know. I… I don't know." Kara runs her hand over her face before standing up. The girl turns on her heel and for a moment Lucy thinks she's about to bolt but after two steps Kara turns again and starts pacing in her office. Oh boy. "We never talked about it after that morning when I text you and I'm so confused and hurt and I'm sorry I didn't text you about it again while you were away I was just trying to forget and I didn't know what to think."
"But now it seems like this one thing is everywhere and things are starting to make a little more sense." At least it seemed that way. Kara never noticed how many times there was sexual violence on TV or in movies. She always just kinds looked away, even at just regular intimate scenes now… now she couldn't move and it sent her into a dark place for at least a couple of hours. Or friends joking about stuff. Or hearing about it on the news... she couldn't get away from it. And after that talk with Alex… "At least I think they are and I just… I don't want it to. I really don't want it to because I still don't know totally what happened…"
"Kara, babe. I want to help you and I'm here for you if you want me to be. I mean it. But I'm a little confused here as to what you are trying to say."
Tense shoulders rise and fall in a quick but deep breath meant to help calm the blonde. Weather that helped or not Lucy isn't really sure but Kara sits back down and now her hands are playing with the bottom of her cardigan and the inside of her lip is pulled between her teeth. "Can I just tell you what happened and then you tell me what you think?"
Kara really didn't want to talk about it again. Never again. But she was driving herself mad. Going in circles. Alex and Maggie and Dr. Hamilton thought one thing and she just flat out thought they were wrong but she didn't know how to tell them. They wouldn't believe her anyway. If Kara didn't really remember anything from the first couple of days after it all felt like on big blur and she is pretty damn sure Alex jumped the gun on getting her "checked out."
Hell she didn't know what she believed herself or if she even had the story right in her own mind. Kara certainly leaned more toward the side that really pissed Alex off. The side that it was sex and nothing wrong happened except for Kara giving up on something she believed in. She'd give anything to ask Nick his side of the story because he'd been a lot more sober than she was so maybe he remembered better. And as illogical as it was Kara fully expected him to tell the truth. Right… like a guy would admit that yeah you didn't want it and I kept going. But Kara still wanted to know what he thought. Or maybe if there was some weird third party observer.
Lucy didn't really answer her question but just gave that soft kind of nod that really only Alex or Maggie ever gave her as she encouraged Kara to talk. So talk she did. She told Lucy what she told Alex, the more detailed version. And though it'd been literal months she stuttered over her words just the same. She was more calm though and tried to be more "objective" in her wording. She couldn't bring herself to look at Lucy and she couldn't make her hands stop fidgeting or make them stop sweating.
Eventually she finished though. She got through it and when Lucy neglected to say anything Kara took a breath for courage and looked up from her new favorite little speck in the carpet and instead of finding her friends eyes as they carefully observed as they always did she found Lucy staring down at her hands watching as she tapped her thumbs together in no rhythm at all. "...But I could be missing some things. I was pretty drunk and I don't remember everything so take that with a grain of salt."
Lucy wipes angrily at her face hoping to god that Kara hadn't seen the tear that just dropped to the paper calendar below her elbows. Lucy looked up at the hero after taking a couple of steadying breaths. Her eyes a little wetter than Kara had seen them pretty much ever. I told you to shower. I… I told you to shower. Is all she can think with near disbelief.
Kara didn't quite get why that would upset her friend so much. After all weren't they just two women talking about sex? That's all this was. Girl talk. "Kara." Lucy takes another breath as she fights the churning feeling in her stomach and tries to figure out how she should approach this. She's one of the woman's best friends but she's also the director of the DEO. The blonde glances away not wanting to see the look on Lucy's face that had taken residence there. Because it told her everything she didn't want to hear.
The office flashes red as an alarm sounds. "Fuck." Lucy checks the weapon at her hip as she stands and before she is done Kara is changed and ready to go. As the two walk into the command center with purpose, long strides and slight bounce in their stepp to support the pace Lucy turns her head toward her friend. "We are finishing this conversation. Ok? We'll talk. I promise."
"It's not important." Kara mutters as they approach the table Winn is leaning into with his hip as he balances his trusty computer on his arm.
"It's important." Lucy gives a squeeze to Kara's hand. You're pain is important Kara. Talking about this is important. I'm going to help you.
"What's important?" Win asks popping a bubble as he spins in his chair toward the two.
"Nothing."
"Don't worry about it." The two answer at the same time each shooting the other a look of warning. Kara telling Lucy not to tell a soul and Lucy trying to get through that aliens thick head that it is very much important even if she wouldn't tell anyone.
"Okay then." Winn types away in his laptop in the same motion as he leans over to place it on the table giving him access to type with both hands. "So we got a tinsy problem."
"Spit it out Winn." Lucy rolls her eyes as the 'hobbit' as Cat had described him starts to outline the problem with their robber friend. She always liked that description of her ex's best friend. The only thing keeping her from chuckling was seeing Kara go somewhere else pretty much as soon as Winn started talking. Lucy had no doubt that Supergirl hadn't heard a single word.
When Winn finished and Lucy started barking orders Kara's mind seemed to find her body again as she looked around confused for a moment. Lucy hadn't left her side but after she'd finished directing her people she turned to Kara who started to follow everyone out. "You're staying here."
"What, no. I'm coming with you." She seemed shocked at even the suggestion. Kara needed supergirl. Helping people and flying were the only things that distracted her enough to stop the feeling between her legs that seemed to always be there. The feeling that something was still happening.
"I'm sorry, Kara, but no. Please. Just go wait in my office. I'll be back soon. Don't fight me on this. You know you didn't hear a word that Winn just said. This threat is messing with people's minds and right now you don't need that."
Kara knew she was right. She hardly kept the panic at bay anymore and she had no doubt that any little push would abruptly end what little control she did have. She didn't have the energy to fight Lucy on this. Not after she'd just had the same argument with Alex a few hours ago. "Ok."
The hero shuffles back to Lucy's office, a little impressed with herself for staying in the moment long enough to actually get there as she sat back down in the chair. She tried not to scold herself too much when her eyes fluttered shut and she napped while the rest of the DEO took care of the problem.
At the crime scene Alex walks up to Lucy eyes searching the air and pretty much everywhere for the red cape to flutter in the wind and ease the panic rising in her chest. "Where's Supergirl?"
"My office." Lucy states calmly as Alex's eyes focus on her.
"What?" Initially the older sister eyes fill with concern growing a few sizes larger in shock. Kara wouldn't miss a crime scene. A split second later though Alex's shoulders slouch and her eyes soften in a defeated realization. "She told you."
The director nods "more or less."
"I can't believe you told her to shower." Alex says under her breath and suddenly the cold-ish shoulder she'd been getting since she returned to DC made a whole lot more sense.
"I didn't know. Alex. I didn't know. You have to believe me." She pleads having to fight back the tears again and this time finding it much harder even though a crime scene was way less acceptable to cry than her private office. "I had no idea."
The agent lets out a long breath as she reminds herself that it wasn't Lucy's fault. This was just more misdirected anger. And the look in her friend's eyes, Lucy felt beyond terrible. There was no need to make that worse. "Lucy don't blame yourself. There's no way you could have known with what Kara told you. I'm sorry this is just..."
"It's a lot."
"Yeah." Alex crosses her harms as the two women watch the DEO agents wrap up the crime scene. "She's not doing well. This morning I tried to talk her into getting some help but…"
"I'll do it."
"You'll what? Last I checked you were a lawyer not a therapist."
"Make her get help. Make her report it." The director lets out a breath. She hates that she has to. Technically she had to make it unrestricted but when Kara had started talking… Lucy wished she would have had the foresight to stop her. To tell her that even though they were best friends she still had to do this. She took an oath.
Alex should have too but Lucy got why she didn't. She was really close to not making Kara go herself but after talking to Alex they had to do something. "No. No. I'll do it."
"How bout we do it together? She's in my office right now. We can talk as soon as we get back. Just let me talk to her for a bit first. I'll shoot you a text when you should come in. Does that work?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry you got roped into this."
"Don't be ridiculous Danvers. I love your sister. I'm just sorry this happened." The agent mumbles her agreement and turns to check on her team. "Hey, Alex."
"Hmm?"
"Did they find anything, I'm assuming you took her in…. Did they find anything?"
"They got some male DNA and some photos of her injuries. It was pretty bad."
Lucy lets a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and has to fight the overwhelming urge to cry in relief. They'd gotten something. It wasn't much but at least it had been something. She didn't ruin this for Kara completely.
When Lucy makes her way back into the office she finds Kara, still in her suit, sleeping with her head on the associate director's desk. Her blonde curls fanned out across the glass table. "Please tell me you didn't drool on my paperwork."
"Hey," Kara sits up and wipes the corner of her mouth with the inside of her wrist. "Sorry Lucy. I didn't mean to -"
"Kara it's fine. Don't even worry about it. I'm glad you got some sleep." The Kryptonian nods and makes her way to the chair across from the Couch Lucy had taken a seat on. She really did enjoy her nice office when she got a chance to be in there. She just hated that this was a conversation that would be forever attached to it.
"You want to finish talking now, don't you?" Lucy give a short nod as she pursues her lips. Kara hated this. She hated that she had to tell Lucy. Even more so, she hated that Lucy had seemed to come to the same conclusion as everyone else.
Lucy felt bad for what she was about to do. She really did. She just wanted to get the information from Kara. She wanted to understand. There were some things she still needed to know, even after talking to Alex. "What did Alex say when you told her? I'm assuming you told her?"
"Yeah she came over and we talked." Kara lets her mind drift back to that awful day she'd been pretending hadn't happened for two months. The words just spill out and she can not understand why… she cannot understand why she can't just go on pretending. "I was pretty upset. Uh she made me come here and get um, checked out. She told me it wasn't uh, it wasn't sex. And uh yeah… then Maggie and her talked and yeah…"
"By "checked out" do you mean a SAFE kit was done?" Lucy pries gently. It's somewhat unusual and off-putting to the Kryptonian because if it was possible Lucy was the only person that was more pragmatic than Alex about a lot of things. More so than Maggie too.
Kara swallows past the lump in her throat. Here it comes. Here comes the judgement for getting one of those kits done when she didn't need too. Here comes the judgement for reacting this way after losing her virginity, something that shouldn't even matter at this age or in today's society. "Yeah."
The lawyer lets out a sigh of relief… relief? Why would Lucy be relieved?... Kara really didn't get that part. She'd been so prepared for a crooked half grin dripping with judgment. Not this… not Lucy still looking like she was using herself like a heavy bag. Alex got the same look when she was being particularly hard on herself. "Ok. That's, um, I'm glad."
As for Lucy even though she knew already, it was different hearing it come from Kara. The way she said it, so full of apprehension and embarrassment. It wasn't as though she didn't believe Alex when she'd told her but this was just different. Part of her was still worried that she'd ruined everything. "Do you know the difference between a restricted and an unrestricted report is?"
"What? Yeah. I sit through the training just like everyone else. Why?" Lucy knew damn well that no one paid attention to those. Hell she hadn't either until she'd become a Victims Advocate for one of her tours. It was a shame really. It was then she pulled her phone out and shot Alex a quick text. Nothing meaningful, really just a random letter.
Alex walked in the room with the decency of looking at Kara with a little bit of apology in those hazel eyes of hers. "Why is she in here?" She searches her friend's eyes knowing that whatever was about to happen was not going to be something she liked. What the hell had they talked already?
Alex takes a deep breath as she looks at Lucy. She received a nod to more forward. Damn Kara was about to be so upset. The look the two shared mad the air feel about a thousand times thicker for each of the individuals in the room and the silence that had become increasingly fragile with each passing second. Alex took a breath though and shattered that bitch like bull in a damn china shop. "I think you need to make a report."
"No way. No." Kara responds somehow without raising her voice. But she was so glad that it came out strong, with all the conviction she'd felt she'd lacked for the last few weeks. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I'm not doing that. I'm not going to ruin his life over this. Alex don't make me do this.
"Kara, legally I have to report this then it would be unrestricted. You don't want that." No kidding I don't want that Alex! The blonde really didn't need to hear how cowardly she was being for not reporting it. She didn't need to hear that he might do this to someone else. It was a violent thing. It was a bad situation that went too far. How many times did she have to say that it wasn't his fault for someone to believe her!?
"Are you shitting me? You are my sister! MY SISTER!" The blonde was breathing too hard to finish the thought. She felt too ambushed and backed into a corner to even get the words out of her mouth. If I can't go to you who the fuck can I go to, Alex!? You're supposed to be there! You're supposed to protect me! How could you do this?
Thank god for Lucy squeezing Alex. At this point the older sister didn't care if it made Kara feel a little isolated. She needed this. She needed to get help. She was slipping and Alex knew Kara didn't want that to happen. So if Alex needed a little support in doing this, she'd take it. Not to mention if anyone found out her and Lucy would be in a whole heap of trouble. "I'm technically in charge of you. Lucy too, especially her. But if you go and get help we won't say anything." Her sister just gaped at her like some sorta fish out of water. Immediately she loses her resolve and steps forward to comfort the blonde who is seconds away from either panicking, sobbing, or punching her… Alex really couldn't tell which. "I know. I know this is hard Kar but…"
"You don't know! Don't talk to me like I'm your sister if you're - if you're just going to - you don't get to go back and forth. Choose. You too Lucy. Are you my best friend or are you just Supergirl's supervision? You don't get to be both. Not like this."
"We don't have a choice." Lucy chimes in for the first time. "You are hurting Kara and there is only so much we can do to help with that. This doesn't change that we are here for you but you're fighting a losing battle. There's no shame in getting help. It is not weakness Kara. Not even close." Lucy stays where she is not wanting to crowed the woman who looks ready to snap if any more pressure is applied. The associate director wanted to keep talking, to make it clear that having the strength to ask for help was one of the more admirable things she could think of. She'd only wished that some of her friends and subordinates in the Army had reached out. Maybe a few more families wouldn't have a flag sitting on their mantle.
"Alex, please. Don't make me do this." Surprising enough to each woman in the room Kara's plea didn't come out as a broken whisper, but an even toned almost cold reply. It was past begging but Kara didn't know what to do. How could she report something she didn't think happened? How much harder and more complicated would that make things for her as she struggled to figure it out. Alex thought it'd help. That maybe it would finally convince her sister that what happened was awful and not even a little bit her fault. But for Kara, it only made it more so.
"I think it will be good for you." Alex plants herself firm against the door frame. If she didn't she'd fold… god she'd fold so quick it wasn't even funny. The pain she could see in Kara… it was tearing her apart. Alex did that. She'd done that to her little sister. The one she was supposed to protect at any cost. She'd broken the world's strongest hero.
"I'm fine! You don't get to decide what is good for me! Neither one of you!" Kara could deal with the no flying. She'd done that for years just fine. She could deal with others telling her what to do on some level. She worked for Cat Grant after all but to take this out of her hands… She wasn't going to let that happen. She'd be the one that would have to live with that, not them. She'd be the girl who made a false report. And on top of everything terrible she felt she'd become, she didn't want to be that too.
"Look either you go or I'm reporting it. If you go and make a restricted report the ladies in the office will have you sign some papers and get you some resources to start processing what happened. One of those is going to be a phycologist, it will be one of the ones we have here unless you want it to be someone else, but here they know the whole story of… well... you… so you won't have to go over that. But other than that no one will know. Lucy will get a "report" that someone was assaulted in her command, with the sex of the individual and if it was interagency or another type of "green on green" or if it was from someone outside the community. That is it. I do it and it's unrestricted there will be a full investigation launched and you won't be able to be anonymous anymore."
"Fine. Fine. I'll do it. I'll make the report." Kara holds her breath in hope that it will help her hold the tears off for just a while longer. She didn't want to cry. Not now. Not when Lucy and Alex were watching her so closely. Not when she was trying to convince them that she didn't need this.
"There's no reason to be afraid Kara." Alex didn't mean for it to come out as patronizing as it did. But Kara was starting to shake again, quiver where she stood. Alex could see her holding her breath and trying not to continue shaking but her body was betraying her. Again. And Kara couldn't figure out why it couldn't just listen for once. "There's no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. Doing this is so brave." So Alex thinks I'm a coward for not doing this sooner. Great. Well she's not really wrong, is she? "I'll send Maggie with you if you want someone there. I'd be there if it wouldn't force you to-"
She cuts off her older sister, beyond being done with this conversation "I know. I know. Alex it's fine." It's not fine. This shouldn't be happening. And I can't believe you are making me do this.
"After that, I want you to go to at least 9 sessions with the therapist. The first two will be more intake type stuff. If you don't one of the two of us will report it." Lucy steps in to take the heat off of Alex. She really was just trying to do the right thing by her sister. She understood where Kara was coming from, she did, but this wasn't fair to put all on Alex either. "I'm...I'll give you two some time. I'm sorry Kara."
"No you're not." The blonde crosses her arms as her jaw tightens down on her back teeth.
"I know it doesn't seem like it but I am. I hope you can believe that."
Kara says nothing as her friend exits her own office to leave her and Alex to talk. Now that she was more angry at Lucy than her sister all her resolve gets lost as she lets out a deep breath. "How will I talk about it when I can't even say stuff out loud?" Kara lets herself fall back into the chair she had been sitting in earlier covering her face so she doesn't see Alex pull a chair close enough to put a hand on her knee comfortingly.
"It's going to get better, Kar. I know how hard you are fighting. I know you don't think anyone sees it but I do. I see you. This will just give you some tools to help fight it a little more effectively, ok? Like some of Winn's new gadgets that make our job easier. That's all. I talk to someone."
"You do?"
"Yeah. Have been for a while now. We've been through some shit, Kar. And fighting a bittle blind and outgunned is no way to do it. So I promise you, I promise, there is absolutely no shame in getting the tools you need to help. None. And there is no shame in needing tools either." She pulls Kara into an awkward hug and the littlest Danvers just lets it happen.
If Alex did it it must not be that bad so she lets herself get pulled in. Tucking her cheek against Alex's shoulder she mumbles "I'm still mad at you" into her black pullover.
"I know. I can live with that. " And she could. As long as Kara was getting help and starting to process this and maybe start to feel a little better she could most definitely live with that. "I love you, Kara."
"Love you too."