Disclaimer: see part 1.
Part 4
Mutuality
By Random1377
Shinji floated in the LCL with his eyes clenched tightly shut, cut off from the outside world by a thick, orange curtain as his mind struggled to cope with a flood of memories... memories from a woman that loved him, but had planned to kill him.
'Hey, Ritsu!' Misato's voice came to him, sounding younger, 'Wanna meet my new boyfriend?'
"No..." he whispered, stirring up a cloud of bubbles, "that's not me!"
Finally, the flow of images slowed, settling into the corners of his mind... filling in gaps in his knowledge and blurring the line between what was his and what was hers. He opened his eyes carefully. He was not sure how long he had been in there - time holds no meaning when you are trapped by memory - but as he looked out of the tank he found Ritsuko and Misato asleep on the floor... oddly close to one another considering the dark-haired woman's declared hatred towards the blonde over what had happened to him.
He tapped on the glass, trying to get their attention. When neither of them awoke, he looked around for a way to release himself, "Hmm... type six-B LCL tank... primarily used for training and gene sequencing of the First Child..." his eyes narrowed and he focused on trying to restrict the flow of incoming data in his mind. They widened again as he found that he COULD limit the influx in such a fashion, but they also widened because the information he was reviewing was about Rei... and her origins.
He snarled unconsciously as he thought of the First, his own desire for her conflicting strongly with Ritsuko's desire to kill the girl... add in the fact she was a walking, talking carbon copy of his mother, and the mixture turns into something almost more than any person could stand.
However, he was no longer technically ONE person. He closed his eyes, drawing in deep lungfuls of soothingly warm liquid, understanding on two levels why Rei found the tank comforting. As Shinji, he understood that the warmth and the floating sensation were direct corollaries to being held by a loved one... from Ritsuko's memories, he gleaned that the liquid contained a mild tranquilizer/stimulant combination, designed to calm the pilot's nerves and maintain brain function while fighting lethargy.
"Very clever," he mused with a mixture of pride and admiration, "now the emergency internal release should be right... here..." he slid his hand along the rim of the hatch, finding the concealed latch and depressing it.
The seal on the tank broke with a quiet hiss and the lid hummed up smoothly. The LCL drained out of the bottom of the tank, leaving him dripping and shivering in the cold, empty tank. "At least they left my gown on me," he muttered, climbing out as quietly as he could, "but I want my own clothes." He held the soaking garment away from him in distaste, hoping that there was a towel in his room.
He slipped past the two sleeping women, pausing to gaze at Ritsuko for a moment with a slight frown, -It's like looking in a mirror...- he thought.
He shook himself and went in search of more clothes, hoping he could get back to his room without being spotted. Suddenly a smile spread across his face, -I'll use route X-nineteen,- he thought as his mind dropped the answer in his lap, "Remind me to thank you later, Ritsuko..." he whispered.
He edged into the hallway and waited until the camera overhead swung the other way, -ten seconds... go!- he thought. He dashed across the hall and tapped the wall, seemingly at random.
Two seconds later, a door slid open in the wall and Shinji stepped quickly through, knowing it would close in less than a second, -Three seconds to spare,- he thought with a smile, -now to get dressed.-
Unobserved, the Third Child dashed through the secret pathway, his confidence growing with every step, -Yeah...- he thought, -this has potential...-
He smiled as he ran, tapping into more memories of the facility, and the people he THOUGHT he knew. And as he went, he could not suppress a cackle of glee at the knowledge laid bare before him...
**
Ritsuko rubbed her eyes as she sat up, yawning and looking at her watch, "Eight hours?" she muttered, "Well, hopefully..." she trailed off as her eyes traveled up to the empty LCL tank.
She reached to wake Misato, when suddenly one of Shinji's memories assailed her, 'You're so fun to tease,' the purple-haired woman said, grinning around her beer, 'you always go so ballistic.' Ritsuko saw herself sitting next to Misato, smiling as she retorted, 'Kind of like Misato.'
She smiled at the memory. It was a happier time... even if Misato was the worst cook ever, there was still the glimmer of a better tomorrow. She saw it in Misato's smile... and in her own, -God...- she thought suddenly, -how long has it been since I smiled like that?-
Bringing herself back to the present, she shook Misato... knowing that she was unlikely to see her smile again - let alone so uninhibitedly. "Wake up, Miso... Shinji's gone."
Misato woke up with a start, "Huh? He's what?" she looked at the empty tank, "How? I thought he was locked in?"
Ritsuko got to her feet, stretching her back and rolling her neck as she moved towards the door, "He has my memories... he knows how to get out."
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me?" Misato was furious, -Every time I think she's redeemed herself, even slightly, she pulls some shit like this!-
Ritsuko opened the door a crack and looked up the hallway in both directions, frowning, "I did... I told you he had them when we put him in the tank."
"And you didn't take into account the fact that he could get out of it??" Now the major was majorly pissed.
Ritsuko sighed, "Look, I didn't plan on being asleep when he woke up, ok? Besides... I thought it would take him longer to get used to my memories to the point that he could use them." She smiled slightly, "He truly is an amazing young man."
Misato did not at all like the tone in her old friend's voice, "Doctor Akagi, I think you've taken an unhealthy interest in my charge," she said, very formally, "what are your intentions towards him?"
Ritsuko blinked, and then opened the door all the way, "Right now, I intend to find him... and pray to God he hasn't found Rei yet." She ignored Misato's look of confusion, "Past that..." She shook her head, "I'd say that I'd like to spend some time getting to know him, but since I already know everything about him that would be redundant. I think it would be better to say I'd like to spend some time getting closer to him."
Misato's tone was wintry, "I think you've gotten close enough, Doctor..."
Ritsuko frowned, "Misato... do you even know what love is?"
The other woman's eyes narrowed, "I know what it isn't... and that's molesting sensitive young boys and having sex with them against their will."
The blonde flinched, but her voice was level, "Look... I know that I've done something wrong, and I won't try and justify it because it can't be." She looked down, "And I don't think I can explain what I feel for Shinji."
All of Misato's teeth flashed, "Try... really hard."
Ritsuko sighed deeply, "You always did go for the crude intimidation first, even in college. Get you hand off of your gun, I'll try and explain as we walk." Together they moved down the hall, heading towards Shinji's room.
"Misato," Ritsuko began, "before I tell you, let me ask... do you feel anything for Shinji?"
"Not like you do, Doctor," Misato said coolly, "but yes..."
"What, exactly?" Ritsuko pressed.
"Well," Misato said carefully, "I feel the need to protect him... to make sure that no harm comes to him and that he's happy..." she shrugged, "I can only imagine that it's how a mother feels."
Ritsuko nodded thoughtfully, "I feel something similar... but I also feel a need to be near him." She blushed, "When I kissed him, it felt... right. Like something in me was completed when we met." She refused to meet Misato's eyes, "It felt so good I wanted to see what it would be like to have him inside me."
Misato made a disgusted face, but kept her silence.
"I think that's one of the reasons I did it..." she shook her head, "but it would be a cop out to say it was the only reason - too convenient to say I was caught up in the moment." Abruptly she realized she was analyzing herself to the one person on the planet that cared the least to hear (with the possible exception of Asuka), so she wrapped up as quickly as she could, "To make it short, I feel good when I'm near him."
"That's IT?" Misato yelled, stopping in the middle of the hall, "He makes you feel good??"
Ritsuko met her eyes, "Isn't that enough of a reason to love someone? That he makes me feel happy and safe and complete?"
Misato flushed, "You only said good," she muttered as she resumed walking, "and when you're as much older as you are - no, it's not enough."
"Odd..." Ritsuko said, "I didn't think you were the type to let age difference stand in the way of your feelings. I seem to remember a certain forty year old you dated in college... when you were," she paused, "twenty-four?"
Misato came up short, her anger boiling over once more, "That's different! Shinji is FOURTEEN! Technically, you're old enough to be his mother!"
"Well, yes... but I-" Ritsuko never got to finish her thought.
"Hey, listen," Misato said, "if you're looking for understanding and support, you won't find it in me, got it? I DON'T approve!"
Ritsuko pursed her lips and decided to change the subject, "Come on," she said in a tired voice, "we have to find Rei before he does."
"Why?" Misato asked.
"Just becau-" Misato had had enough of the other woman's evasiveness. She grabbed her by the collar of her lab coat and slammed her up against the wall.
"Why?" she repeated, her voice cold.
Ritsuko read the fury in her eyes and swallowed, "Because he might try to kill her..." she said reluctantly.
"What?" Misato said, loosening her grip in shock, "Why would he do that?"
Ritsuko looked down as an image of Rei appeared before her. She was sitting in her entry plug and smiling brightly, -I can see why he loves her...- she thought. To Misato she said quietly, "The older the memories, the more emotional weight they carry."
"So?" Misato answered, "Shinji's memories of Rei are all - oh my GOD!" she cried as realization hit her. "You..." she whispered, "your memories..." Ritsuko nodded.
Misato took off running, praying that they would not bee too late...
**
Shinji strode through the halls with an air of confidence. He had never felt that he belonged at NERV - it had always had unfamiliar ceilings. Now, he knew every twist and turn.
"Right...here, and..." he pushed the huge security door open and blinked in the bright afternoon light, smiling broadly.
His smile fell away as conflicting emotions washed over him. He felt a strong desire to find Rei... but the reasons were almost as opposite as was possible. He took a deep breath, focusing on the thoughts he knew to be his alone (this was difficult, as his mind had not quite finished settling all the way... but he was not concerned, as he found theorems in Ritsuko's memories that suggested things should stabilize soon.)
He briefly considered finding a place to sit and wait things out, as he was not entirely sure what he would do once her found Rei... but he discarded the idea as he recalled that there was only a day and a half now remaining before the 'decision' he had to make.
"I guess we'll find out which memory is the strongest..." he whispered. The part of his mind that was purely his shrank back from the cold voice which he used, while the part of him that was still in confusion cheered his resolution to do SOMETHING.
What he might do when he saw the girl, he did not know... but he DID know that currently she was the only thing on his mind, and somehow the key to stabilizing him.
So he walked slowly towards her apartment, his hand occasionally drifting down to touch his pocket... and the fully loaded nine-millimeter pistol he had taken from Ritsuko's desk.
**
Rei turned to her door, certain that she had heard something. Finding nothing, she continued preparing for sleep, taking her clothes off and discarding them carelessly on the floor. The fact that she was sleeping at four in the afternoon did not strike her as odd in the slightest. She had been taught that if you are tired, you sleep... and the tests of this morning had made her very tired indeed.
As she slid beneath her covers she considered what she had seen that morning. -Why was Ikari in the LCL tank?- she wondered idly, -The answer provided does not seem... correct.-
She was not sure why Doctor Akagi or Major Katsuragi would lie to her, but she felt certain that they had. Also, the fact that Shinji had accepted the blonde woman's help after the vile thing she had done to him confused Rei. She had been present for Asuka's psychological rape... she had heard the redhead's screams... and afterwards, she had researched rape in all of its various forms - fascinated, yet repelled, by the idea that one person would force themselves upon another against the other's will.
She considered what she might do if she was in a similar situation... and shivered. She was not a strong girl, and she knew it. She looked around the rundown apartment, "I will inquire if I can be relocated..." she whispered, "I do not feel... safe here any longer..."
Finally, her tiredness overcame anything further she might have thought, and she slept deeply. So deeply that she did not wake as the door opened and Shinji stepped into the apartment, a strange look on his face.
She was so deeply asleep, in fact, that she didn't even stir as the smooth, cold barrel of a gun pressed gently against her temple.
**
Misato was out of breath as they finally reached her car, "If he kills her," she gasped, ramming the key into the ignition as Ritsuko climbed in the passenger side and buckled her seatbelt, making sure it was tight, "it's on your hands..." she finished, turning the key and hitting the gas pedal as hard as she could, making the blue car rock slightly before she forced it into gear.
As the car shot forward out of the parking stall, Ritsuko grabbed the door frame, "I know..." she said grimly, "I know..." As they roared through the late-afternoon traffic, another memory hit Ritsuko, 'Hey, get in!' Misato called cheerfully, ignoring the dozen or so VTOL aircraft peppering the huge, green creature that was in the process of destroying the city. Shinji's memory of the woman made her smile, -He thought she was so sexy...- she thought, -but he was terrified... he thought they were going to die - and they almost did.-
She looked at Misato from the corner of her eye, letting Shinji's view of the purple-haired woman interpret what she saw. The difference was breathtaking. Instead of an old college friend, too free with her drink and affections, she saw a mother figure - tough, caring, relentless, soft, sweet, hard, and loving all at the same time. She smiled slightly at the boy's simple, optimistic view of the woman... and at her own shortsightedness at not seeing those qualities in someone she had once been able to call 'friend'.
She was about to speak when Misato trounced the brakes, throwing the car to the left and causing it to come to a skidding stop in front of Rei's decrepit building. Misato stepped out of the car and looked up at the building. Ritsuko didn't waste any time, she jumped out and ran for the door, "Ritsuko, wait! Damn..." Misato whispered. She hesitated for a minute, then drew her sidearm and ran after the blonde woman. -God, I hope I don't have to use this...-
Ritsuko took the stairs two at a time, breathing hard as she reached Rei's floor. She sprinted to four-oh-two and threw the door open, "Rei! Rei are you-" she was cut off abruptly as she felt cold steel press into the bottom of her jaw.
"Shhh..." Shinji whispered from the side of the door, "you'll wake her, Doctor."
She gasped as he pressed upward slightly, forcing her eyes up to where she could see Rei, sleeping peacefully in her bed. "Shinji," she whispered, "I was afraid that you were going to-"
"Finish what you started?" he said, cutting her off.
She swallowed and risked a glance his way. Her eyes locked with his, and she could clearly see the cold fury behind them, "Is that what you were going to say, Doctor Akagi?" he whispered back, "Then maybe once I was done here I might just head for the tanks in Terminal Dogma and finish her off for good, eh?"
A tear slid down her cheek, "Yes... I was afraid of that... I didn't want it to happen." Images from two lives flashed through her mind, conflicting for dominance as the fear of dying became palpable.
Misato stepped cautiously through the door, but came up short as she saw Ritsuko's back... and Shinji pressing something up against her throat. "Shinji," she began, "don't do anything that you'll-"
"Hello, Miso," he greeted her calmly, never taking his eyes off of Ritsuko, "don't wake Rei up, ok? She seems really tired."
Misato let out a wavering breath, "Ok, Shinji..." she said lowering the gun to her side, but keeping it at the ready, "just let Ritsuko go and we'll all leave Rei here to sleep alone."
Shinji shook his head, "Not yet," he said, "I need something from the Doctor first." He leaned closer to Ritsuko, "Are you scared now, Ritsu?" he whispered.
She nodded as best she could, "Yes... I am..." she said softly.
He stepped closer, pressing his body against hers and dropping his voice even lower, "Do you think you're going to die?"
She smiled softly, turning her head to face him, "No... I don't..."
Misato frowned at this response, as did Shinji... who thrust upward suddenly, eliciting a gasp of pain from the blonde, "Why?" he whispered, leaning forward until he was only inches from her face, "Why do you think I won't kill you were you stand?"
"Because," she whispered sadly, "you're not like me..." She licked her lips, "you're not cold like I am, and you're not cruel like I am... and you can love like I... like I haven't been able to..." more tears flowed down her face as images of Rei, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, and Misato rushed through her mind.
Shinji let his hand down, relieving the pressure on the woman's neck slowly, "You're right," he said, "I'm not like you." He opened his hand, and Misato watched in stunned silence as a metal spoon dropped to the floor with a clang.
Shinji stepped back, but Ritsuko reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back, "Shinji?" she said, studying his face, "Why did you do that?"
He looked at the floor between them, a small frown on his face, "Because," he said after a moment of silence, "because I'm becoming like you now... as more of your memories open to me, I become more and more like you."
Misato gasped as the cold tone of voice the boy used... and all that his words meant. Later that night she would cry for him - for all that he would never be again... but now she listened in rapt silence as he finished speaking.
"I also wanted you to feel what I felt," he said, blushing with shame, "I... wasn't going to rape you... but I wanted you to feel shame and hurt like I felt..."
"I'm... sorry, Shinji..." she said softly, "if it means anything at all to you anymore, I'm terribly sorry for what I've done."
He nodded, "I know you are... and I'm sorry for doing this. I should have been better," he bowed his head, "I've seen some of the things you've had to do," he whispered, "I don't know how you live with the shame."
Ritsuko began crying softly, "Neither do I," she said brokenly, "every day when I look in the mirror I hate myself a little more..."
Shinji reached up and gently wiped her tears away, "I know," he said with a soft smile, "I remember."
Continued...
Thanks to JobFaust and Lord DeathScythe for pre-reading and making some excellent suggestions on this one.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com
Part 4
Mutuality
By Random1377
Shinji floated in the LCL with his eyes clenched tightly shut, cut off from the outside world by a thick, orange curtain as his mind struggled to cope with a flood of memories... memories from a woman that loved him, but had planned to kill him.
'Hey, Ritsu!' Misato's voice came to him, sounding younger, 'Wanna meet my new boyfriend?'
"No..." he whispered, stirring up a cloud of bubbles, "that's not me!"
Finally, the flow of images slowed, settling into the corners of his mind... filling in gaps in his knowledge and blurring the line between what was his and what was hers. He opened his eyes carefully. He was not sure how long he had been in there - time holds no meaning when you are trapped by memory - but as he looked out of the tank he found Ritsuko and Misato asleep on the floor... oddly close to one another considering the dark-haired woman's declared hatred towards the blonde over what had happened to him.
He tapped on the glass, trying to get their attention. When neither of them awoke, he looked around for a way to release himself, "Hmm... type six-B LCL tank... primarily used for training and gene sequencing of the First Child..." his eyes narrowed and he focused on trying to restrict the flow of incoming data in his mind. They widened again as he found that he COULD limit the influx in such a fashion, but they also widened because the information he was reviewing was about Rei... and her origins.
He snarled unconsciously as he thought of the First, his own desire for her conflicting strongly with Ritsuko's desire to kill the girl... add in the fact she was a walking, talking carbon copy of his mother, and the mixture turns into something almost more than any person could stand.
However, he was no longer technically ONE person. He closed his eyes, drawing in deep lungfuls of soothingly warm liquid, understanding on two levels why Rei found the tank comforting. As Shinji, he understood that the warmth and the floating sensation were direct corollaries to being held by a loved one... from Ritsuko's memories, he gleaned that the liquid contained a mild tranquilizer/stimulant combination, designed to calm the pilot's nerves and maintain brain function while fighting lethargy.
"Very clever," he mused with a mixture of pride and admiration, "now the emergency internal release should be right... here..." he slid his hand along the rim of the hatch, finding the concealed latch and depressing it.
The seal on the tank broke with a quiet hiss and the lid hummed up smoothly. The LCL drained out of the bottom of the tank, leaving him dripping and shivering in the cold, empty tank. "At least they left my gown on me," he muttered, climbing out as quietly as he could, "but I want my own clothes." He held the soaking garment away from him in distaste, hoping that there was a towel in his room.
He slipped past the two sleeping women, pausing to gaze at Ritsuko for a moment with a slight frown, -It's like looking in a mirror...- he thought.
He shook himself and went in search of more clothes, hoping he could get back to his room without being spotted. Suddenly a smile spread across his face, -I'll use route X-nineteen,- he thought as his mind dropped the answer in his lap, "Remind me to thank you later, Ritsuko..." he whispered.
He edged into the hallway and waited until the camera overhead swung the other way, -ten seconds... go!- he thought. He dashed across the hall and tapped the wall, seemingly at random.
Two seconds later, a door slid open in the wall and Shinji stepped quickly through, knowing it would close in less than a second, -Three seconds to spare,- he thought with a smile, -now to get dressed.-
Unobserved, the Third Child dashed through the secret pathway, his confidence growing with every step, -Yeah...- he thought, -this has potential...-
He smiled as he ran, tapping into more memories of the facility, and the people he THOUGHT he knew. And as he went, he could not suppress a cackle of glee at the knowledge laid bare before him...
**
Ritsuko rubbed her eyes as she sat up, yawning and looking at her watch, "Eight hours?" she muttered, "Well, hopefully..." she trailed off as her eyes traveled up to the empty LCL tank.
She reached to wake Misato, when suddenly one of Shinji's memories assailed her, 'You're so fun to tease,' the purple-haired woman said, grinning around her beer, 'you always go so ballistic.' Ritsuko saw herself sitting next to Misato, smiling as she retorted, 'Kind of like Misato.'
She smiled at the memory. It was a happier time... even if Misato was the worst cook ever, there was still the glimmer of a better tomorrow. She saw it in Misato's smile... and in her own, -God...- she thought suddenly, -how long has it been since I smiled like that?-
Bringing herself back to the present, she shook Misato... knowing that she was unlikely to see her smile again - let alone so uninhibitedly. "Wake up, Miso... Shinji's gone."
Misato woke up with a start, "Huh? He's what?" she looked at the empty tank, "How? I thought he was locked in?"
Ritsuko got to her feet, stretching her back and rolling her neck as she moved towards the door, "He has my memories... he knows how to get out."
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me?" Misato was furious, -Every time I think she's redeemed herself, even slightly, she pulls some shit like this!-
Ritsuko opened the door a crack and looked up the hallway in both directions, frowning, "I did... I told you he had them when we put him in the tank."
"And you didn't take into account the fact that he could get out of it??" Now the major was majorly pissed.
Ritsuko sighed, "Look, I didn't plan on being asleep when he woke up, ok? Besides... I thought it would take him longer to get used to my memories to the point that he could use them." She smiled slightly, "He truly is an amazing young man."
Misato did not at all like the tone in her old friend's voice, "Doctor Akagi, I think you've taken an unhealthy interest in my charge," she said, very formally, "what are your intentions towards him?"
Ritsuko blinked, and then opened the door all the way, "Right now, I intend to find him... and pray to God he hasn't found Rei yet." She ignored Misato's look of confusion, "Past that..." She shook her head, "I'd say that I'd like to spend some time getting to know him, but since I already know everything about him that would be redundant. I think it would be better to say I'd like to spend some time getting closer to him."
Misato's tone was wintry, "I think you've gotten close enough, Doctor..."
Ritsuko frowned, "Misato... do you even know what love is?"
The other woman's eyes narrowed, "I know what it isn't... and that's molesting sensitive young boys and having sex with them against their will."
The blonde flinched, but her voice was level, "Look... I know that I've done something wrong, and I won't try and justify it because it can't be." She looked down, "And I don't think I can explain what I feel for Shinji."
All of Misato's teeth flashed, "Try... really hard."
Ritsuko sighed deeply, "You always did go for the crude intimidation first, even in college. Get you hand off of your gun, I'll try and explain as we walk." Together they moved down the hall, heading towards Shinji's room.
"Misato," Ritsuko began, "before I tell you, let me ask... do you feel anything for Shinji?"
"Not like you do, Doctor," Misato said coolly, "but yes..."
"What, exactly?" Ritsuko pressed.
"Well," Misato said carefully, "I feel the need to protect him... to make sure that no harm comes to him and that he's happy..." she shrugged, "I can only imagine that it's how a mother feels."
Ritsuko nodded thoughtfully, "I feel something similar... but I also feel a need to be near him." She blushed, "When I kissed him, it felt... right. Like something in me was completed when we met." She refused to meet Misato's eyes, "It felt so good I wanted to see what it would be like to have him inside me."
Misato made a disgusted face, but kept her silence.
"I think that's one of the reasons I did it..." she shook her head, "but it would be a cop out to say it was the only reason - too convenient to say I was caught up in the moment." Abruptly she realized she was analyzing herself to the one person on the planet that cared the least to hear (with the possible exception of Asuka), so she wrapped up as quickly as she could, "To make it short, I feel good when I'm near him."
"That's IT?" Misato yelled, stopping in the middle of the hall, "He makes you feel good??"
Ritsuko met her eyes, "Isn't that enough of a reason to love someone? That he makes me feel happy and safe and complete?"
Misato flushed, "You only said good," she muttered as she resumed walking, "and when you're as much older as you are - no, it's not enough."
"Odd..." Ritsuko said, "I didn't think you were the type to let age difference stand in the way of your feelings. I seem to remember a certain forty year old you dated in college... when you were," she paused, "twenty-four?"
Misato came up short, her anger boiling over once more, "That's different! Shinji is FOURTEEN! Technically, you're old enough to be his mother!"
"Well, yes... but I-" Ritsuko never got to finish her thought.
"Hey, listen," Misato said, "if you're looking for understanding and support, you won't find it in me, got it? I DON'T approve!"
Ritsuko pursed her lips and decided to change the subject, "Come on," she said in a tired voice, "we have to find Rei before he does."
"Why?" Misato asked.
"Just becau-" Misato had had enough of the other woman's evasiveness. She grabbed her by the collar of her lab coat and slammed her up against the wall.
"Why?" she repeated, her voice cold.
Ritsuko read the fury in her eyes and swallowed, "Because he might try to kill her..." she said reluctantly.
"What?" Misato said, loosening her grip in shock, "Why would he do that?"
Ritsuko looked down as an image of Rei appeared before her. She was sitting in her entry plug and smiling brightly, -I can see why he loves her...- she thought. To Misato she said quietly, "The older the memories, the more emotional weight they carry."
"So?" Misato answered, "Shinji's memories of Rei are all - oh my GOD!" she cried as realization hit her. "You..." she whispered, "your memories..." Ritsuko nodded.
Misato took off running, praying that they would not bee too late...
**
Shinji strode through the halls with an air of confidence. He had never felt that he belonged at NERV - it had always had unfamiliar ceilings. Now, he knew every twist and turn.
"Right...here, and..." he pushed the huge security door open and blinked in the bright afternoon light, smiling broadly.
His smile fell away as conflicting emotions washed over him. He felt a strong desire to find Rei... but the reasons were almost as opposite as was possible. He took a deep breath, focusing on the thoughts he knew to be his alone (this was difficult, as his mind had not quite finished settling all the way... but he was not concerned, as he found theorems in Ritsuko's memories that suggested things should stabilize soon.)
He briefly considered finding a place to sit and wait things out, as he was not entirely sure what he would do once her found Rei... but he discarded the idea as he recalled that there was only a day and a half now remaining before the 'decision' he had to make.
"I guess we'll find out which memory is the strongest..." he whispered. The part of his mind that was purely his shrank back from the cold voice which he used, while the part of him that was still in confusion cheered his resolution to do SOMETHING.
What he might do when he saw the girl, he did not know... but he DID know that currently she was the only thing on his mind, and somehow the key to stabilizing him.
So he walked slowly towards her apartment, his hand occasionally drifting down to touch his pocket... and the fully loaded nine-millimeter pistol he had taken from Ritsuko's desk.
**
Rei turned to her door, certain that she had heard something. Finding nothing, she continued preparing for sleep, taking her clothes off and discarding them carelessly on the floor. The fact that she was sleeping at four in the afternoon did not strike her as odd in the slightest. She had been taught that if you are tired, you sleep... and the tests of this morning had made her very tired indeed.
As she slid beneath her covers she considered what she had seen that morning. -Why was Ikari in the LCL tank?- she wondered idly, -The answer provided does not seem... correct.-
She was not sure why Doctor Akagi or Major Katsuragi would lie to her, but she felt certain that they had. Also, the fact that Shinji had accepted the blonde woman's help after the vile thing she had done to him confused Rei. She had been present for Asuka's psychological rape... she had heard the redhead's screams... and afterwards, she had researched rape in all of its various forms - fascinated, yet repelled, by the idea that one person would force themselves upon another against the other's will.
She considered what she might do if she was in a similar situation... and shivered. She was not a strong girl, and she knew it. She looked around the rundown apartment, "I will inquire if I can be relocated..." she whispered, "I do not feel... safe here any longer..."
Finally, her tiredness overcame anything further she might have thought, and she slept deeply. So deeply that she did not wake as the door opened and Shinji stepped into the apartment, a strange look on his face.
She was so deeply asleep, in fact, that she didn't even stir as the smooth, cold barrel of a gun pressed gently against her temple.
**
Misato was out of breath as they finally reached her car, "If he kills her," she gasped, ramming the key into the ignition as Ritsuko climbed in the passenger side and buckled her seatbelt, making sure it was tight, "it's on your hands..." she finished, turning the key and hitting the gas pedal as hard as she could, making the blue car rock slightly before she forced it into gear.
As the car shot forward out of the parking stall, Ritsuko grabbed the door frame, "I know..." she said grimly, "I know..." As they roared through the late-afternoon traffic, another memory hit Ritsuko, 'Hey, get in!' Misato called cheerfully, ignoring the dozen or so VTOL aircraft peppering the huge, green creature that was in the process of destroying the city. Shinji's memory of the woman made her smile, -He thought she was so sexy...- she thought, -but he was terrified... he thought they were going to die - and they almost did.-
She looked at Misato from the corner of her eye, letting Shinji's view of the purple-haired woman interpret what she saw. The difference was breathtaking. Instead of an old college friend, too free with her drink and affections, she saw a mother figure - tough, caring, relentless, soft, sweet, hard, and loving all at the same time. She smiled slightly at the boy's simple, optimistic view of the woman... and at her own shortsightedness at not seeing those qualities in someone she had once been able to call 'friend'.
She was about to speak when Misato trounced the brakes, throwing the car to the left and causing it to come to a skidding stop in front of Rei's decrepit building. Misato stepped out of the car and looked up at the building. Ritsuko didn't waste any time, she jumped out and ran for the door, "Ritsuko, wait! Damn..." Misato whispered. She hesitated for a minute, then drew her sidearm and ran after the blonde woman. -God, I hope I don't have to use this...-
Ritsuko took the stairs two at a time, breathing hard as she reached Rei's floor. She sprinted to four-oh-two and threw the door open, "Rei! Rei are you-" she was cut off abruptly as she felt cold steel press into the bottom of her jaw.
"Shhh..." Shinji whispered from the side of the door, "you'll wake her, Doctor."
She gasped as he pressed upward slightly, forcing her eyes up to where she could see Rei, sleeping peacefully in her bed. "Shinji," she whispered, "I was afraid that you were going to-"
"Finish what you started?" he said, cutting her off.
She swallowed and risked a glance his way. Her eyes locked with his, and she could clearly see the cold fury behind them, "Is that what you were going to say, Doctor Akagi?" he whispered back, "Then maybe once I was done here I might just head for the tanks in Terminal Dogma and finish her off for good, eh?"
A tear slid down her cheek, "Yes... I was afraid of that... I didn't want it to happen." Images from two lives flashed through her mind, conflicting for dominance as the fear of dying became palpable.
Misato stepped cautiously through the door, but came up short as she saw Ritsuko's back... and Shinji pressing something up against her throat. "Shinji," she began, "don't do anything that you'll-"
"Hello, Miso," he greeted her calmly, never taking his eyes off of Ritsuko, "don't wake Rei up, ok? She seems really tired."
Misato let out a wavering breath, "Ok, Shinji..." she said lowering the gun to her side, but keeping it at the ready, "just let Ritsuko go and we'll all leave Rei here to sleep alone."
Shinji shook his head, "Not yet," he said, "I need something from the Doctor first." He leaned closer to Ritsuko, "Are you scared now, Ritsu?" he whispered.
She nodded as best she could, "Yes... I am..." she said softly.
He stepped closer, pressing his body against hers and dropping his voice even lower, "Do you think you're going to die?"
She smiled softly, turning her head to face him, "No... I don't..."
Misato frowned at this response, as did Shinji... who thrust upward suddenly, eliciting a gasp of pain from the blonde, "Why?" he whispered, leaning forward until he was only inches from her face, "Why do you think I won't kill you were you stand?"
"Because," she whispered sadly, "you're not like me..." She licked her lips, "you're not cold like I am, and you're not cruel like I am... and you can love like I... like I haven't been able to..." more tears flowed down her face as images of Rei, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, and Misato rushed through her mind.
Shinji let his hand down, relieving the pressure on the woman's neck slowly, "You're right," he said, "I'm not like you." He opened his hand, and Misato watched in stunned silence as a metal spoon dropped to the floor with a clang.
Shinji stepped back, but Ritsuko reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back, "Shinji?" she said, studying his face, "Why did you do that?"
He looked at the floor between them, a small frown on his face, "Because," he said after a moment of silence, "because I'm becoming like you now... as more of your memories open to me, I become more and more like you."
Misato gasped as the cold tone of voice the boy used... and all that his words meant. Later that night she would cry for him - for all that he would never be again... but now she listened in rapt silence as he finished speaking.
"I also wanted you to feel what I felt," he said, blushing with shame, "I... wasn't going to rape you... but I wanted you to feel shame and hurt like I felt..."
"I'm... sorry, Shinji..." she said softly, "if it means anything at all to you anymore, I'm terribly sorry for what I've done."
He nodded, "I know you are... and I'm sorry for doing this. I should have been better," he bowed his head, "I've seen some of the things you've had to do," he whispered, "I don't know how you live with the shame."
Ritsuko began crying softly, "Neither do I," she said brokenly, "every day when I look in the mirror I hate myself a little more..."
Shinji reached up and gently wiped her tears away, "I know," he said with a soft smile, "I remember."
Continued...
Thanks to JobFaust and Lord DeathScythe for pre-reading and making some excellent suggestions on this one.
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