Donatello

As Donn watched his older brother finally begin to break, he couldn't help the feeling of intense relief that came over him. Finally. Leo's made-up persona was going to come crashing down. These past 4 years, Donn had watches as Leo slowly programmed himself, relentlessly molding his mind. The end result; a plastic Leonardo who was cautious and respectful. The perfect definition of a gentleman. Donn had watched helplessly as Leo transformed into a prissy kid who thought he was above everyone. The worst part of the situation was that Donn himself had unknowingly helped create this version of Leo. This whole mess had started just a few months after they had moved to Japan. Raph seemed to have found a group of friends. Mikey and Donn were together most of the time, not really knowing how to act in their new environment. Leo was always by himself. Donn kept an eye on him, but didn't dare approach him. The one time he did, it had been a disaster.

/He was looking for Leo, like always. He hadn't seen Leo in days, much less talked to him. But he was sure that if they just talked and hung out like they use to, some sense of normality would come back to them. Plus, now that Danni was no longer with him all the time, things could really go back to the way they were- the way they were meant to be.

When he finally spotted Leo, he could tell something was wrong. Leo had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was greasy and messy. The usually crisp uniform was wrinkled and dirty. More importantly, Leo looked tense and grumpy. With caution, he approached the black haired boy.

"Hey Leo," he had meant for his voice to sound soothing. Nevertheless, Leo visibly jumped upon hearing him. Leo turned, his icy eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep. Upon realizing it was him, Leo's facial features relaxed, but only for a moment.

"What do you want Donatello?" Leo seemed to force out in a rough voice, most likely from the lack of sleep. Still, he was not use to such bluntness from Leo.

"I just wanted to see how you were. I never see you anymore and I just thought-"

"I'm fine, thanks." This time, Leo's voice was almost robotic; empty and without thought. It was almost as if Leo had rehearsed that one phrase over and over.

"Come on Leo, you look upset." he took a tentative step forward, relived when Leo didn't move back or flinch.

"It doesn't concern you." Leo used a robotic voice again.

"Of course it does. You're my friend and I care about you," this time when he stepped forward, Leo moved back, "you use to tell me everything."

Leo chuckled bitterly, "You wouldn't understand."

Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. That one phrase was like a slap to the face; he couldn't understand why Leo couldn't talk to him when they use to be so close. That is until Danni showed up and ruined everything. It was like he was doomed to live under her shadow. He just couldn't help feeling small compared to her, even if she was an ocean away.

"It's because I'm not Danni, isn't it?" The pure hatred that dripped from his voice surprised him. He loathed how angry was all of the sudden, and tried to calm down. He had spoken out before he could stop himself. He hadn't meant to tell Leo that. He wanted to apologize, but the damage was already done. Leo's face was twisted with rage and his eyes grew colder than they already where. As Leo turned to go, he made one last grab for Leo's shoulder.

" Please, Leo. I didn't mean-"

Leo turned and shoved him into the lockers- hard. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about, Donatello," Leo places his forearm on his throat and began leaning in, "how could you possibly understand, when you and I haven't talked in months?" Leo suddenly throw his head back in maniacal laughter, "Do you really want to help me? You want to make it all better?" Leo leaned in more so that he was whispering in his ear, "Stay away from me. Don't try to talk to me. Don't try to comfort me. I don't need nor want your pity."

And just like that, Leo was gone. He crumbled to the floor gasping for breath./

Donn made it a law to avoid Leo after that. He still worried about him, but Donn wasn't going to willingly put himself in harm's way. Leo had become a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at the smallest things. Still, he kept his "perfect student" reputation. The dark haired boy kept his B+ average and rarely got into fights. He was still a perfectionist, working hard to do the best and be the best. But even if Leo appeared unchanged, Donn knew better. He observed this darker Leo from a distance, hoping something would change.

Yet as time went by, things didn't get any better. Leo and Raph fought more often and more aggressively. Master Splinter had to constantly break them apart so that none of them got hurt severely. Donn and Mikey were still together most of the time. Both of them talked offend about Leo. Mikey said that Leo had to figure his own way out of his "funk". Donn couldn't accept that though. All evidence stated that Leo would end up in a ditch if he kept his aggressive attitude.

"Dude, he's just depressed. He'll get over it." Mikey kept telling him. Donn had asked what Leo was depressed about once, but Mikey never told him.

One day in class, his physiology teacher had said that the subconscious mind often had the answers to an individual's problems. At first, Donn thought it was ludicrous. The thought that the subconscious mind held and answers that the conscious mind didn't was just insane. Still, Donn was begging to get desperate. Not knowing what else to do, Donn started to research the art of meditation. Donn hoped it would help clear his mind so that he could think of and actual solution to his "Leo problem." At the same time, Donn found himself using meditation as an escape.

Lewis was driving Donn up a wall with his work at the lab. He was always asking Donn for help and gaudiness, always sucking Donn into the lab. While Donn was looking for a cure for his and the others condition, Lewis seemed determined to exploit their existence. He was always referring to a "Master" that he had to please. It had gotten to the point where Donn was scared of him. He and his father had always had a rocky relationship due to Lewis' work. But lately, Lewis seemed to get possessed during his work.

/He was walking past the lab when he heard it. His dad was murmuring frantically. He couldn't resist his curious mind and stepped closer to the door. Through a thin crack, he could see his dad pacing up and down holding a glowing green liquid in a large beaker. He had to hold his breath to hear.

"It'll work… It has to work… But why green… Master doesn't like green…Said if anything turned green aging… It has to work…"

His dad paused for a moment, shacking slightly in place. Suddenly he turned, his wide amber eyes fixed on him.

"Donnie, my boy! Would you like to come in? I could use that massive head of yours."

Something about his dad's devilish smile unnerved him, but nevertheless he did as he was told. Approaching his dad with caution, he went to sit on the one desk that wasn't littered with chemicals or stacked with papers. As he sat down, he looked around that dimly lit lab. Books and papers were all over the floor. Some sort of liquid was dripping from a nearby counter, making a large puddle.

"As you know," he held up the glowing green liquid as if praising it, "the Mutagen that infected all of you is defective. That is, you weren't supposed to turn green, it was supposed to make you stronger, faster, smarter… If anything was broken, it would have been mended…"

Lewis kept walking back and forth, his body twitching slightly. He sat rooted to the desk, too afraid to move.

"But instead, you turn green… GREEN!" Lewis slammed the beaker, spilling some of the Mutagen onto the desk, "And for the life of me I can't figure out why… All the chemicals where right… The preparation was undisturbed… There is no reason…"

Abruptly, Lewis stopped. He slowly turned toward him, his back hunched as if he were hiding something.

"There is no way of knowing what went wrong- unless I take a sample…"

Lewis' amber eyes had turned black and where wide with excitement. As Lewis got closer, he could see the perspiration gathering on Lewis' blond bangs.

"You, my dear Donatello, will be my sample…"/

After that, Donn used meditation to block out pain.

Every night, Lewis would call Donn to his lab, and every night, Lewis took high amounts of Donn's mutant blood. That wasn't the most painful part though. Lewis was also very intrigued by Donn's mutation itself. Lewis was convinces there was more to Donn just turning green. Every week, after taking Donn's blood, Lewis would "experiment". One night Lewis would put hot coals on Donn's skin. Another Lewis would almost drown Donn. The next night Lewis would inject different liquids into Donn, each which caused a different and painful result. In time, Donn learned to block out the weekly pain. He conditioned his body not register the heat or the lack of oxygen until one day he didn't feel it.

The night Lewis went to the lab late, Donn knew something was wrong. Lewis left without doing anything to him, without saying a word, and with his mother. Donn was left alone at home, not knowing what to do with himself. He had been conditioning his body and mind for one thing for so long, that he felt lost when he didn't get tortured for once. That might have been the reason why he cried at the funeral. It wasn't because Donn loved him or respected him, but because he had grown dependent of him… in a twisted kind of way.

It wasn't until a month after he moved in with Splinter that Donn realized what was happening- what had been happening. For another month, Donn spent it detoxifying himself from what he had done. It was a painful transformation. He had to re-live the "torture sessions" and acknowledge the pain in each one of them. Not only that, but he sometimes had to inflict pain on his body to get the message across that yes, coals burn and yes, oxygen is necessary. At the end of a particularly difficult session, Leo walked in on him.

/That was the first time he had really looked at Leo in months; his beautiful black hair was an ash color, his green skin showed signs of dehydration and malnourishment, and his icy blue eyes were bloodshot with black circles under them.

"H-hey Donn. Am I interrupting?"

He couldn't help but look at Leo weird. Was he nervous?

"Um, no, not at all. Come in."

After a shaky breath, Leo came in. He sat at the edge of the unmade bed, looking very uncomfortable. Awkward silence settled between them, neither of them knowing how to start.

"So," Leo's booming voice making him jump a little, "how you holding up?"

He inwardly cringed, so we're going to start like that.

"I'm okay. You-?"

"Dying," Leo suddenly blurted. His cheeks went slightly red, and then he continued, "It's just- have you ever regretted something? Like really regretted it? And-and no matter how hard you try, it just gets worse and worse and I- I just want it to stop."

Wow. It took him a second to process "open Leo". It had been years since they had had a meaningful conversation. He looked up at Leo, his blue eyes looks like they were in the brink of tears. He couldn't help but stare in awe; Leonardo looked so lost and helpless.

"I can't say I have." Seeing as Leo deflated further, he quickly added, "but there is something I do when I'm upset."

Almost instantly, Leo visibly brightened; he straightened and lead forward towards him. For the first time Leo seemed excited about something. He smiled that crooked smile that made his heart melt with joy. It gave him a warm feeling knowing he did that, not Danni.

"It's called meditation, it helps clear your mind and get more in touch with your spiritual self-"

"For someone who's surrounded with technology," Leo indicated to the many blinking and buzzing machines in his tiny room, "you're really philosophical."

He arched and eyebrow, "Is that a good thing?"

"It's excellent."

It was his turn to blush. He wasn't used to being praised in general, especially not from Leo. He risked looking Leo in eye, only to look back down. Leo's eyes were warm and welcoming. He hadn't received that look in a while.

"S-so meditation, "he cursed his stutter. It hadn't made and appearance for some time now. But something about knowing all of Leo's attention was on him made him… uncomfortable. What is up with that?

"Meditation helps clear the mind. It helps me deal with my problems and fears. It's also a good escape from all the technology that surrounds me."

"I bet," Leo silently snickered. His body was a lot looser then it was a few minutes ago. Leo's whole demeanor radiated warmth and relaxation at this point. It made him feel warm.

"Here, why don't you sit next to me?"

Leo did as he was told, sitting on the floor with him. Leo attempted to mimic the sitting position he was in. And of course Leo succeeded the first try. Is there anything he can't do?

"Okay, now I want you to think of nothing."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it's harder than it sounds"/

From that day forth, Leo spent every afternoon meditating with Donn. They would lock each other in Donn's room for hours. To this, Donn was ecstatic. It was thrilling to have Leo so close when they barely talked to each other a year ago. With each passing day, both of them opened up to each other a little bit more. Donn confessed to Leo about being tortured by his father. Leo stated his guilty conscious about his father's death. For some reason, Leo had the belief that their parent's death was his entire fault.

"But why?" Donn asked one day, "It's not your fault. Heck, we don't even know what happened."

Leo shoulders slumped lower. His face was a mix of anguish and frustration. "Don't – I just- I wish I could forget, you know? Just make it all go away."

"Make what go away?" Donn cautiously questioned.

"Memories, Donn. The flash backs. They play like a movie in my head and I can't make in stop."

Even though Donn didn't know exactly what those memories or flashbacks were, he felt like he should try to make Leo feel better. Donn wanted to take the pain away from Leo. That was when Donn started teaching Leo his secret. Subconsciously, Donn knew that what he was teaching Leo was wrong, yet he couldn't stop. He was addicted to knowing Leo needed him. Donn felt overwhelmed by Leo's attention that he didn't register the consequences until it was too late. Leo had already started to program himself.

Little by little, Donn began to see the change. It was good change for some time; Leo seemed less stressed and miserable. His skin had a healthy glow to it and his eyes sparkled again. At first, Donn saw nothing wrong with Leo. It wasn't until later that the negative effects started to build. Leo became cocky- borderline arrogant. Instead of treating Donn warmly, he treated him like a pair of old shoes, brushing of Donn's advances to communicate. Never mind that Donn was thrown off, he lied to himself justifying Leo's behavior. Unfortunately, Donn's bubble shattered rather violently.

/It was his 15th birthday. Splinter was treating them all to a fancy sushi resonant in downtown Japan. Even though it was a special place and a beautiful night, he didn't feel like celebrating much. It had been two months since he taught Leo his secret, and month since Leo started treating him hastily. Even though Donn tried to talk to him, Leo didn't seem to have the time.

It wasn't until the waiter came that he noticed he was sitting next to Leo. He was painfully aware of the heat radiating from Leo's body. He tried not to think that if he moved a little to the left, his and Leo's legs would be touching. His cheeks got red and he started sweating. Being this close to Leo was like a dream, but it was also like a never ending nightmare.

"Happy birthday Donn!" Leo's surprisingly warm voice made him jump. "Having a good time?"

"Yeah… Sure," Donn couldn't help fidgeting in his seat. He never thought Leo would make him so uncomfortable.

"What's wrong? You look upset?" The warmness of Leo's voice was comforting, yet foreign.

"Nothing- it's just- we never hang out anymore and-"

"Well you said you were busy-"

"What?"

Leo stared at him, "You said you were too busy to meditate with me. Something about you wanting noting to distract you from your technology."

At first, Donn thought his brother was just making stuff up, but Leo's face was completely serious./

It was at that moment that Donn realized what Leo had done. He hadn't just numbed himself from the pain he was feeling. Leo had taken it a step further and taken the memories and replaced them with new ones. Leonardo had brain washed himself.

While they were retrieving their bags, Donn couldn't help but peak at Leo; he was still shaking but it seemed that the first wave had passed. Over time, Leo's "made up" world would slowly come crashing down. His real and fake memories would crash into each other. Leo would have to figure out which were real and which were not, all while trying not to go insane. What pained Donn the most what that there was nothing he could do. Leo had to face this by himself, with no help from anyone. If anyone interfered, it could alter Leo's memories permanently.

"Donn, you okay?" Mikey was looking at him weirdly.

"Of course. Why do you ask?"

"Cuz you've been staring at Leo pretty hard."

Donn inwardly cursed. He hadn't meant to stare. Now Mikey was going to hold this on him all day and Donn would have to think of a logical excuse-

"Dude, it's cool. I know, okay?"

"Know what exactly?" Sweat started to gather at Donn's hands.

"Why you stare at Leo so much." Mikey made it sound obvious, whereas Donn had no idea what he was talking about.

Seeming to sense Donn's discomfort, Mikey smirked, "No worries Dee. Your secret if safe with moi."

Not knowing what to say, Donn nodded at his "little brother".

Sorry it took so long guys, this was a tricky one to write.

Question: is the flash back format too confusing? Should I just stick to 3rd person with those too? Please help me with this.

As always: review! I live for them!