Adjust
Life
"Come in," Severide welcomed James into the house. "I've not woken him up yet, he didn't sleep well last night and he doesn't usually get up this early anymore. You've already got his usual schedule and my number, Boden's number, his doc… sorry, you know what you're doing..."
"Don't worry, he'll be fine," James replied warmly.
"Yeah, sorry, I've barely left him alone all week," he explained.
"He's got his routine, he'll be ok," James assured him.
Just after 9am Casey appeared and found James sitting at the table with a newspaper. "Sev's at work?" he asked.
"He is. You guys worked together didn't you?" James began making conversation straight away.
He nodded. "Won't be going back."
"No? From what I've been told you weren't walking four weeks ago and now you are," he replied, "You're improving all the time." They'd warned Casey that he would hit a plateau in his improvement, and after so much development over the last few weeks Severide was worried it would hit soon and hit him hard. He'd had lengthy discussions with James expressing his concerns, and insisted that he really wanted him to be a friend for Casey because he'd lost his connection with people. He couldn't hold a lengthy conversation and didn't have the mutual topic of work.
Casey shrugged. "It's breakfast time. I make toast on my own," he insisted.
"I'm not here to take over, just to help if want or need it, we can watch movies all day or do anything you'd like," he smiled. "I'm not here to take over," he repeated.
They ate in silence, James had done nothing as he watched Casey struggle to spread the butter on the toast and watched as not all of the orange juice made it into the glass.
"Not really a meal but it's something," he'd smiled broadly after the third trip from the kitchen to the table carrying his breakfast.
Casey dressed after he'd eaten and then sat himself down on the couch. He would spend most of the time alternating between watching the TV, using the iPad and if he was in a good mood he would sit down and attempt to improve on his writing. In between activities he would end up napping in his room.
"If you went out where would you want to go?" James asked him.
"Not the hospital," he shook his head.
"Leaving the house means going to the hospital?" James questioned.
Casey nodded. "He's worried... I think. I'll do something stupid, not stupid… something... something I don't mean to do."
"Embarrassing?" James supplied.
"Yeah," he sighed, "Heard him talking to my sister. Did Kelly tell you she didn't want me to come home? Thought it was what everyone wanted, that everyone thought it was a good idea, that it's what the doctors wanted but it wasn't, it was just her, my own sister and yesterday my girlfriend broke up with me, I remember all that... I do... and I now have no idea what's happening in this TV show," he laughed self-deprecatingly.
"I have no idea what's happening either," James smiled, "Let's rewind it."
Casey settled easily into their new routine, James was with him whenever Severide or Shay were not. They went out together, did the grocery shopping because Casey wanted to be useful for Severide not because he'd been asked to do it, they went out to museums and even to the zoo once, the idea was to keep Casey's brain as stimulated as possible, to help improve on his concentration and his limited executive function skills.
"What are you so happy about?" Severide smiled as he looked up from his newspaper, Casey had walked out of his bedroom with the biggest grin plastered across his face.
"Didn't need this..." He dropped an A4 sheet on top of the newspaper, a move he had planned for his happy announcement.
"Really?" Severide questioned when he saw the list of instructions he'd written out weeks ago for Casey's bedroom.
"Really," he smiled.
"Not so useless after all," Severide replied.
"Nope," he grinned. "So I was thinking that… maybe…" he edged cautiously, "That maybe… if I work on my writing, I know that's a lot and would I really need to be writing anyway, I mean other than reports when do we write stuff…"
"You're rambling," Severide hinted.
"I want to go back to work," he stated.
"Ok," Severide said simply.
"Ok?" he frowned at the acceptance.
"You thought I'd say no? I'm not your keeper," Severide laughed.
"You have moved in with me," he scoffed.
Casey enjoyed going out for lunch with Shay and Severide, it was a very normal affair where he could ignore the fact that he'd spent most of the previous night wide awake because the painkillers had barely dulled the agony that assailed his head. They sat inside, protected from the harsh February weather; his attention flittered between the outside world he could see through the windows, the patterned table cloth, the colourful menu and the conversations taking place between his two friends.
"Case? Have you chosen?" Severide asked.
"What?" he questioned with an air of confusion.
"We're ordering," Severide explained, indicating to the waitress that was now standing by them.
"Oh..." he quickly looked down at the menu, "Erm…"
"He'll have the same as me please, with extra fries," Shay announced and Casey smiled at her.
"Shay?" Severide questioned, he didn't hide his annoyance.
"What?" she shrugged. "Burger's a good choice right, Casey?"
"Burger's a good choice," he repeated, smiling tiredly. It was his preferred choice when they ate out, something he could eat with his hands, not with a knife and fork which he struggled to hold and struggled even more use correctly with his weak grip and decreased coordination.
"He's exhausted, Kelly," she stated.
"He's right here," he spoke up with a small smile. Severide let out a little laugh at Casey's response and Casey looked right at him, even though eye contact was still difficult to maintain especially in such a busy place. "Sorry about the... erm... menu... sorry..." he admitted.
The next day Casey and Severide were sat at the table having just finished dinner. "What is it?" Severide demanded; Casey had been edgy since they got back from therapy.
"I don't…" Casey hesitated anxiously, "Don't wanna do speech therapy." It makes him feel uncomfortable but most things do.
"Ok," he accepted.
"Ok?" Casey frowned.
"If you feel like you don't need it then ok," Severide replied, "Besides I understand you... most of the time," he teased.
"Thanks," he smiled although there was a slight crease in his brows at Severide's last comment.
The firehouse was buzzing with commotion. Casey was sitting at the table in the common room, having been dropped off by James half an hour ago. Severide had insisted Casey come along for Mouch's birthday celebrations, Casey had been unsure about the idea, he didn't want to go to the firehouse, not now he didn't have the ability to work there, but James had talked him around, it would be good to see his friends and the different environment would be stimulating. He was surrounded by the rest of Truck 81, who'd warmly welcomed him back, in fact the whole of 51 had turned up in the common room when he'd arrived, Severide intervened when he saw Casey pale at all the chatter and noise, he still struggled in busy places, he always would.
Dawson was sitting opposite Casey who was trying his hardest to keep up with the conversations taking place, she noted how bewildered he looked most of the time but he still took everything in his stride, he'd even laugh at himself and his bright wide eyes flickered from one person to the another as he did his best to join in. At times he takes peoples sarcastic comments literally, at others, when he's not tired and when his attention holds steady he'll see the comments for what they really are. But most the time sarcasm goes straight over him, because sometimes it just baffles him, and today he was tired as he'd spent most the night nervously awake awaiting this visit, proving that he didn't only think about just the present, just the now, he did think ahead.
Severide sat down next to Casey, wordlessly passing him a bottle of pop from the fridge. Dawson observed as he attempted to open it but silently Severide took it back from him, there were no words of protest, barely any acknowledgement from Casey. Severide opened the bottle and placed it straight into Casey's open hand, after taking a few sips, keeping his attention on Herrmann's current tale, he placed it on the table where it was picked up by Severide who replaced the lid.
As the conversation died down and the cake was no more the room quietened as most left to get on with their duties. Severide dug out a notebook and pen from Casey's bag to keep him occupied, to keep his brain stimulated now there was no conversation. She'd seen Antonio do it with his kids when they were younger. Casey looked up from the notebook and let the pen drop out of his hand. "It's rude to stare," he exclaimed.
"Matt…" Severide began, trying to hold back the urge to laugh.
"Oh right… inappropriate behaviour..." he shrugged.
"Casey I wasn't…." Dawson began
"I'm not blind, I…" he stated.
"Matt! What's gotten into…" she began with her voice raised.
"Casey!" Tony called across from the other table, he was holding up a pack of cards, "Come on, I hear you're even better at playing now, you might even beat me!"
"Gabby," Severide exasperated after Casey left the room with Tony, "Being here is hard enough for him…"
"He wasn't being rude to anyone else," she replied.
"Well... no one else was staring at him, he thinks your judging him, he thinks you broke up with him because he's not perfect," he stated.
"I never said…" she began.
"No you didn't, you didn't say anything but I can't think of another reason and he can't either. So I think he's allowed to tell you not to stare at him, he's allowed to have feelings, he loved you and he isn't going to push his hurt under a rug like he used to, so don't ever have a go at him for standing up for himself."
Casey was sitting at the squad table and watched mesmerised as the cards were shuffled, and when a door slammed shut he watched as Dawson stormed across the apparatus floor, "I didn't mean to…"
"You and I will never understand the inner workings of a woman's mind," Tony smiled.
"Right..." he deadpanned. "I think I'm always upsetting her," he frowned as he thought.
"Have you done something wrong?" Tony asked, already he knew it was unlikely.
"I don't know," he shrugged, "Don't think so."
"Did Severide tell you she failed her physical last week?" Capp questioned.
"No… You think that's why she's upset?" he asked, now obsessing over finding an answer and hoping he wasn't the cause of Dawson's mood.
"Maybe," Tony replied.
"I've got to go," he said.
He found Dawson in the locker room. "Matt," she greeted him, a little shocked to see him standing in front of her.
"I'd fail my physical too now," he announced. "Wait... that didn't come out right… it sounded better in my head. Most things do."
"Matt things are different now," she explained.
"It's hard for you," he recalled their previous conversation.
"It's just a difficult situation, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I really wanted it, I wanted to be a firefighter, I wanted there to be an us too but I guess we can't always have what we want," she replied.
He wanted to scream and yell at the unfairness of it all, she was complaining about her life when he was barely living his anymore but he held back, for the first time since the accident he managed to hold back all the thoughts that wanted to come pouring out his mouth in a fit of rage and he simply stated, "Ok." She left him in the locker room where James and Severide soon found him staring at his old locker. "Can we go?"
He was sombre the whole journey back home and went straight to his room.
"You said this morning you wanted breakfast food for dinner? We were going to make pancakes," James stood by the doorframe as he asked.
"I'm tired," he said, dismissing him.
Severide returned home after shift the next day, expecting Casey to be sat down having breakfast. "James?" he questioned.
"I woke up and found him like this, I've not managed to stop him," he explained. Casey was clumsily gathering tools, books, folders and putting them in the middle of the room, the pile was growing larger and larger. "He's adamant that he doesn't need any of this anymore."
"Casey?" Severide tried to get his attention.
"Matt, how about we all go out?" James tried again, "We can go and get breakfast, spend the day out of the house if you want?"
"Need to get rid of everything, of all of this," he stated.
"Ok, Case, that's fine but you need to stop now, you're making a mess," Severide explained.
He did stop, he dropped the book from his hand. "I am a mess," he said sadly.
"Everyone is," Severide quipped. "Come on, let's get out of the house, get some fresh air."
Casey stood up and went to the front door. "Coat," James stated. It was windy and cold outside and Casey was particularly sensitive to cold or hot temperatures now, his body objected to anything it didn't think was normal, it hated the cold and it hated the heat, which they'd discovered after he'd had a hot shower and very nearly fainted from the heat of it.
The next few weeks passed by with little incident, Casey's mood improved once more. The fact that he didn't have do his speech therapy anymore pleased him, but he still remained struggling away during his physical therapy sessions but these had lessoned because James helped him work on his strength at home. He was forming letters when he wrote and had now taken to doodling on anything lying around the house, newspapers, envelopes, the whiteboard. His hand eye coordination was actually improving despite the doctor's outlook, it would never be perfect but improvement was better than nothing.
Boden was sitting with Severide in his office when the squad lieutenant's phone rang. "I need to take this," he said urgently as he saw the caller ID. Boden nodded and watched as Severide's expression went from worry to panic. "What's happened?... Oh God… I'm on my way…"
"Kelly?" Boden questioned.
"It's Casey," he stated, already standing up.
"Go."
"James..." Severide spotted him as soon as he entered the ER. "Where is he? What happened?"
James indicated to a closed off section of the ER. "They're just x-raying his arm."
"He had a seizure?" Severide frowned wondering why Casey was getting an x-ray.
"Hit the coffee table when he fell," James explained.
The curtain was pulled back revealing Casey lying on the hospital bed, a doctor stepped over to James. "He's broken his arm, it's a simple fracture, I've splinted it for now and he's been given some painkillers. He'll be taken up to ortho soon to get it cast on it," the ER doctor explained, "He's in line for a precautionary CT scan too."
"Doctor Wright thought his gaps of attention might be absent seizures, not just him losing his concentration, does this mean they were? He was reluctant to have him stuck here being observed when he wasn't sure and they've not been causing any problems," Severide said, he and James both noticed Casey looking tiredly over to them.
"I'll go," James stated, and he left, leaving Severide going over all the details with the doctor. "How you doing?" he asked Casey.
"Did I do something wrong?" Casey slurred.
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"He's upset… or angry… I dunno," Casey muttered as he looked tiredly over towards Severide.
"He's worried that you're hurt, he's not upset or angry at you, I promise," James replied. Casey had trouble judging other people's emotions at the best of time, never mind when he was in a postictal state where he was exhausted, disorientated and nauseous. "Let's have a look at this," he pulled the iPad out the bag that he'd quickly put together before he jumped into the ambulance with Casey. "Do you remember where we got to with this film?" he asked.
After a few moments Casey replied quietly. "Got the... alien."
"Where from?" James tested him.
"Erm…" he thought out aloud, "The plane..."
"Yeah," he nodded.
"Really?" Casey questioned.
"You're getting good at this, let's watch a bit more whilst we wait for them to sort you out," James said.
Casey was admitted to the observation unit, they had taken a blood and urine sample after casting his arm and before his CT scan, he was still taking the anticonvulsants he'd been prescribed so the grand mal seizure was concerning. They wanted to see if it was a one off or wondered if he had already had several absent seizures since his release from the hospital. In which case Casey's doctor would change the anticonvulsants he was on to find some that worked well for him.
Post traumatic epilepsy. The words rung through Severide's head as he sat next to Casey. The possibility of regular seizures was an all too scary thought. They'd attached him to an EEG monitor, there was no way in telling if he would have another seizure in the next twenty four-hours, and the doctor had said that didn't mean he wouldn't have one again. Severide had sent James home, he'd updated Boden and informed Shay of the situation, after that he'd bribed the nurse and she very reluctantly allowed him to stay overnight, Severide had cited that Casey would be much more cooperative if he were there.
The next day Casey was sat upright in bed playing noughts and crosses with Shay who was sitting cross legged in front of him, he still felt exhausted from the seizure and now that nearly a whole day had passed his body ached like he'd been working out for hours. Severide was watching them, Casey's face lit up so brightly whenever he won and despite his tiredness he was succeeding more often than not. Shay was just about to tap Casey's hand and bring back his attention to their game when she saw the waves on the EEG monitor change. "Kelly!" she exclaimed, he called for the doctor immediately.
Just as the doctor arrived Casey looked back towards Shay. "Did you say something?" he asked since she was looking at him expectantly.
Severide looked towards the doctor who was checking the monitor. "You just had a seizure, Casey," Severide explained.
Casey looked towards the doctor. "You're having absent seizures," the man stated.
"Just lost my concentration, happens all the time," Casey insisted.
"No, it happens some of the time, not all of the time," the doctor replied, "You've been having absent seizures since you left the hospital but because of your concentration difficulties they've been disguised, if you hadn't had the grand mal yesterday it could have gone undiagnosed until something even more serious happened."
"Undiagnosed?" Severide questioned.
"Post traumatic epilepsy isn't uncommon with the type of TBI you suffered, with the areas that were damaged," the doctor explained to Casey, but he wasn't looking at the man.
"Doc, the grand mal seizure?" Severide questioned with concern, "Was that just a one off? He broke his arm…"
"Maybe, maybe not, they may just be a rare occurrence," he replied.
"But you're going to stop them? And stop the absent seizures, right?" Severide asked.
"We can manage them, I'm going to prescribe a different anticonvulsant and we'll want to do some further observation…" the doctor began.
"Can we finish outside?" Severide asked, Casey was on the brink of crying, he didn't need to hear any more of this at this point in time.
"Of course," the doctor replied and they left the room just after Severide gave Shay a knowing look.
"Matt?" Shay sat down at the end of the bed, "It's ok, you'll get some different meds and it'll be ok."
"It's not enough…" Casey began in distress, "It's not enough that I can't do stuff, that I can't... can't... can't pay attention... remember... or… or organise myself without help that… that… that…"
"Shh... Matt, it's ok, just try and relax, just breathe for me, you're in no rush," Shay reassured him, trying to calm him down before he became even more distressed, even more agitated.
"It's not fair," he cried out, "What did I do?"
"Oh, Matt, sweetie, you've not done anything, this isn't your fault, things just happen without a reason." She moved and wrapped her arms around his trembling form. "Shh... Matt, it's ok, it's ok, we'll figure this out," she soothed as his body was wracked with sobs.
Several hours later the three of them arrived at Casey's house.
"Are you hungry?" Severide asked as he led Casey into the living area.
He shook his head.
"Ok straight to bed then." Severide pulled the covers up over Casey's aching form; he'd closed his eyes as soon as his head had hit the pillow.
"He's going to be ok," Shay reassured him when he stood back from Casey's sleeping body.
"This time," he replied, "And what if this…"
"What if this breaks him?" Shay finished for him.
Severide sighed, "He's been so determined, so positive, what if he can't handle this?"
"You and I both know he'll come out on top, he always does," Shay assured both him and herself.
He shook his head. "He's been doing so well, this isn't fair."
"Life isn't fair," Shay stated, "Life isn't fair because he saved a life and this was the outcome."
TBC