The God of Smex: The Epic of Natsuki
Chapter 04: Natsuki Kruger and the Inconvenient Plot Device.
"Yohko-sensei why does Harry Potter keep on showing up only to get horribly p3wned by the Gakuenchou everytime and who is this Harry Potter anyway?" Arika innocently asked.
"Well you see as it turns out our research suggests he was either a fictional novel character or a deity from the 21st Century Earth. Our research tends to favor the latter though and it also indicates that he became even more popular than the other God of that time who was named Jebus."
"Jebus?"
"Yeah, we're 100 sure that was his name and he was a White man. Anyway our research also suggests that if Natsuki is not the descendant of Arnold Schwarzenegger then she's the descendent of Harry Potter or both. You see Harry Potter is described as having black hair, green eyes, having a thunderbolt shaped scar and attending a magical school for Wizards and Witches. Kruger is High German for Potter (it really is), she has green eyes and black hair she dyes blue."
"I though she was naturally blue?" Arika asked again.
"No if you read the manga she's got black hair and so does Nina, no one else has color changes but them," Yohko explained breaking the 4th wall again, you think they'd be no wall left after all the times it's been broken down, it's like the Wolverine wall or the Cell wall or Majin Buu wall or the Goku wall, it keeps on coming back…
"You know what I don't get? Why does everyone get to keep their natural hair color except for us dark blue haired girls?" Nina asked ignoring the sheer weirdness of her surroundings.
"I've no idea, also Kruger has her thunderbolt hairpin in her hair and she's the principal of a school for training Magical Girls. Now doesn't that seem suspicious?"
"Are you sure about the blue hair being black thing, isn't it more likely that it's artistic transition or bad lighting like the Evangelion manga?"
"Actually now I don't know, the point is Natsuki Kruger is obviously modeled by Sunrise to take the piss out of Harry Potter hence why he keeps on showing up."
"Oh I see, so the Ghost of Harry Potter is lonely then?" Arika innocently asked.
"He was a Ghost now?" Everyone quirked an eyebrow and suddenly remembered the mess left behind the janitors had to clean up after Natsuki got rid of Harry Potter all those times. They had to use large amounts of Vaseline, bleach and turpentine.
"Anyway the good news is…"
"Mashiro is dead?" asked a random Winbloomian bum right before Mashiro turned him into a eunuch.
"The good news is I found a way to DEFEAT THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF SMEX!!" Yohko dramatically proclaimed.
Everyone perked up at the announcement and the entirety of the campus and much of the World gathered around Yohko. Natsuki walked by looking grumpy with pocky in her mouth and everyone ran home, some of them even wet themselves. 55 seconds later Natsuki walked by again with a cup of coffee and a newspaper with the cover page titled "God of Smex: The End of Libidos is upon us!" before she disappeared back into her room. Life had gotten very boring ever since she applied her Godly powers to remove the libidos of the world. Crime rates were at all time zero, people had stopped arguing and fighting, there were no more wars, 99 of sicknesses had been cut with the self-imposed disappearance of hypochondriacs and people suffering from Herpes and so did political debate and people were in general getting along perfectly well. Even though they were all horribly miserable without all of the above…and sex. And it hadn't even been 40 minutes since Natsuki pressed her Red Button of Doom.
"The good news is I discovered an ancient artifact of immense power that will defeat even the mighty GOD OF SMEX. THIS ANCIENT ARTIFACT IS SO POWERFUL THAT IT MUST NOT BE NAMED, SO PRECIOUS IT CANNOT BE SPOKEN OF, SO DANGEROUS IT WAS SEALED AWAY BY OUR MOST ANCIENT OR ANCIENT ANCESTORS. IT IS THIS!!" Yohko recited very dramatically and pulled a photo taken last week.
"Isn't that just a bottle of mayo?" Irina quirked an eyebrow.
"How is that dangerous?" Nina asked quirked an eyebrow.
"LOOK IT'S NON-LOW FAT!!" everyone stared at her strangely except for Arika who gasped in genuine shock actually comprehending the situation but was genuinely concerned with her weight even though she was as scrawny as hell.
"How is that supposed to help us?" Mashiro quizzed.
"If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?" Erstin randomly asked after hearing the word quiz.
"If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?" she asked again before Nina shoved her face into her chest to shut her up.
"It's not just any bottle of mayo, it's an ancient bottomless bottle of mayo with infinite mayo that belongs to Natsuki. SHE WILL SCOUR THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH TO GET IT BACK IF STOLEN. SHE WILL RAZE ALL FOUR CORNERS OF THE UNIVERSE TO KEEP IT. AND THUS SHE HAS HIDDEN IT WELL. TO FIND IT WE WILL THE NEED THE AID OF OUR MOST TRUSTED AND SKILLED CHAMPIONS. IT WILL BE AN EPIC QUEST THAT WILL INVOLVE MUCH…"
"Found it," Nina suddenly interrupted and pulled out a large bottle of white stuff.
Everyone gasped and gaped at Nina then finally the lolicons all hugged her in very suggestive fashion.
"OMFG!! IT'S…IT'S…IT'S………THE PLOT DEVICE!!" Incidentally the words PLOT DEVICE in big friendly letters were written on the label on the jar. "WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?"
"Behind the large pile of peanut butter in the fridge. Who eats so much peanut butter anyway?"
Erstin whistled in a corner but no one was listening to her.
"Ok now what do we do with it?" Nina asked trying to fend off the fangirls.
"Well we can either threaten Natsuki with its destruction or have Arika eat it then have her fight Natsuki."
"Why fight and why me?! If I fight her she'll rape me, rape me thru the knickers me lassie!" Arika comically demanded suddenly with an Irish accent.
"Hello zero-libido? She won't touch you…in that way," Yohko rolled her eyes sideways.
"But I'd like her to," Arika fiddled with her pigtails. "BTW why should I eat it?"
"Well as it turns out Natsuki has a rare genetic gift that is believed to have started from a mythological line on ancient Earth. The story goes that a Super Saiyan named Goku one randomly impregnated the leader of a group of female warriors known as Sailor Scouts, the leader was Sailor Moon resulting in the production of a bi-curious principally lesbian loli-girl named Pretty Cure Black who eventually teamed up with another bi-curious principally lesbian loli-girl named Pretty Cure White with whom together became a gay couple that also happen to fight garish-looking evil monster and thus created the first ancestor of the Kruger line Natsuki Kuga who eventually became the most powerful magical girl in existence and the only magical girl in existence WHO WORE PANTS!! And a trenchcoat and used guns that actually fired real bullets and kicked balls. Actually I'm fairly convinced Mai and Natsuki were inspired by PreCure, if not then Natsuki and Shizuru were inspired by either Kannazuki no Miko or Maria-sama Miteru."
"Oohhh!!" everyone was in awe.
"She's the one who started the tradition of the Gakuenchou's wearing pants, invented a system that preceded the Otome system and otherwise kicked butt. She was even more awesome than Chuck Norris."
"Who's Chuck Norris?"
"…Actually I have no idea, oh well anyway because of being the descendent of the Super Saiyan Goku Natsuki Kuga's descendents including Kruger and Arika have the power to become MAGICAL SUPER GIRLS WITH GLOWING YELLOW HAIR!!"
"Ooh…hey wait a minute does that mean I'm related to the Gakuenchou?!" Arika gasped.
"Actually yes. You are the descendant of Natsuki's clone/sister Alyssa Searrs, Lena Sayers was the last to have her name in any noticeable fashion. Though when I red the manga it states that Alyssa was created using Natsuki's DNA and the Searrs President DNA which scientifically means Natsuki is Alyssa's mother not her sister…"
[Several thousand years ago…Possibly, I'm still not convinced My-Otome is in the same universe as My-Otome
"Alyssa, I'm your mother!" Natsuki announced beneath the Church in the Darth Vader-esque.
"No! It can't be true," Alyssa gasped.
"Search Miyu's databases, you know it be true. The Obsidian Lord has seen this day. The day I discover I'm actually a mommy and take you Disney Land forgetting about this whole god-damn mess with Hard Gay wannabes and yuri series rip-offs!" Still in the Darth Vader fashion.
"Ooh! Disney Land! Ok I'm going," exclaimed Alyssa with glee.
"Actually she is your mum Alyssa and incidentally my mum as well."
"She is?"
"Well they used her cells to make me so yes she's our mum. Where else do you think we got our awesomeness from?"
"Yai!"
"Hey wait a minute what about the Golden Millenium?" Joseph Greer asked right before he was stabbed, shot and eaten by rabid hamster-like Orphans. Oh and had his legged humped by Duran who also peed on him.
[A long time later. On a planet far, far away…named Earl! You know that really sounds bad, it's like calling it Earny or Melvin!
"…AWESOME, I'M ALSO A GOD OF SMEX THEN!!! YAAAIII!!! I'M AN INGAMI!!"
Note: In means sex in Japanese, like Injutsu from La Blue Girl and Gami is usually added to God names. Like Shinigami or Nekogami.
"That's not a good thing Arika," Mashiro pointed out.
"Of course it is, that's the best thing in the world."
"Actually it is," Miyu added.
"Miyu where did you come from?!"
"The bathroom, I must say the Gakuenchou certainly has an awesome toilet seat. It's actually made of gold."
"Wait if we're related does that mean that you've also been protecting Natsuki-sama?"
"Actually yes it was me that saved her when Nina blasted you into the desert not Nao."
Surprisingly Nao didn't show up this time even though her actual name was called.
"It wasn't?"
"Do you think Nao could have done it at that close range but Natsuki couldn't. They were both out cold Nao just woke up sooner. She just claimed credit to earn more brownie points with Natsuki."
"Don't tell me she also wants to sleep with her?"
"Actually she does but don't tell Shizuru that."
"So why don't you protect her as much as me?" Arika sweetly asked.
"Actually before you were born I did, then it happened."
"It?"
"Yes, it was during a celebration in Windbloom castle years ago when she was 3 years old. Schwarz attacked…and Natsuki p3wned them all…and I must say I've never seen anyone cause some much pain and humiliation with an empty plastic bottle of water."
Strange thoughts passed through the minds of everyone after hearing that wondering what exactly did the Gakuenchou do those Schwarz people with that empty plastic water bottle.
"So I decided she didn't protection anymore. Anyway goodbye," She waved and jumped out the window expecting Alyssa the bird to transform into a giant eagle and carry her away, she was disappointed to find that Alyssa couldn't right after she squashed her causing her much pain and distress until Alyssa randomly resurrected again and proceeded to attack Miyu's boobs forcing her to run out of Garderobe and Windbloom.
"Iyaaa! Yamete! Tasukete!" she screamed as she ran but no one was listening.
"Ok Yohko-sensei why must I eat the mayo??"
"Because if you eat the mayo you'll transform into a MAGICAL SUPER GIRL then you might have a chance against Natsuki."
"If it's so powerful than why didn't the Gakuenchou ever use it before."
"Oh she did. You see a couple of years ago Natsuki saved Shizuru from getting barbecued by lifting her over her head to avoid a fireblast from a Charizard like Slave but got stripped in the process flashing much of the world. So she then ate her Mayo with Popeye sound effects, transformed into a Super Saiyan I mean MAGICAL SUPER GIRL and p3wned all the ones who didn't die of massive blood loss with a stick of strawberry pocky."
"Oh! Sounds good let's try it out!!"
"Well there is one problem."
"What's that?"
"Well you see, although Natsuki did p3wn several thousand enemy soldiers it took her 50 episodes to do it."
"FIFTY EPISODES!!" Everyone gasped and their jaws hit the concrete.
"Yes, you see when she goes MAGICAL SUPER GIRL time inexplicably distorts causing battle events to take several years to finish where in which participants spend 9/10s of each episode talking the same crap over and over again while exchanging poorly rendered repeated scenes of them punching and kicking each other. We're not exactly sure what causes it but in the meantime everyone is affected by it causing them to either die from boredom caused by them eating their own limbs off to escape or causes them to go insane or they survive but are forever disturbed."
"Ok so we're going with threatening the Gakuenchou," Nina declared.
"But…" Arika began.
"WE'RE GOING WITH THREATENNING THE GAKUENCHOU!!" and Arika scurried off.
On cue Natsuki appeared with her new mega boobs bouncing around.
"Damn it's hard to move with these things. I'm going back to a C cup," she announced and surprisingly without their libidos no one protested.
"AH IT APPEARED!!" everyone screamed.
"What's everyone talking about?" Natsuki asked confused.
With that Arika shoved the bottle of white stuff into Natsuki's face.
"We have your precious possession, THE PLOT DEVICE NOW GIVE US BACK OUR LIBIDOS I HAVE A MAKEOUT SESSION WITH MASHIRO WITH MY NAME WRITTEN ON IT!" Arika ranted getting caught up in the moment.
"That's sour cream and it says BLOT DEVICE."
Upon closer inspection and tasting said white stuff they found indeed it was sour cream and the words PLOT DEVICE was actually BLOT DEVICE with the lower half of the 'B' rubbed off.
"This is my PLOT DEVICE."
Natsuki pulled out a huge bottle of mayo from her pants making people wonder how much space was in there and what else was in there. Then pulled out a lid opener from her newly enlarged cleavage.
"My one, my love…Myeeehh Prreehhhccciiooousss!!" in the Gollum-esque fashion with all the bad English stroking her mayo bottle.
"I thought I was your precious?" Shizuru sobbed.
"You were."
"Was it all the cheating and everything?" Shizuru sobbed some more.
"No. Actually."
"Then what was it?" Shizuru cried.
"YOU GAVE ME CRABS!! THAT YOU GOT FROM HER!" Natsuki waved her fist in anger.
Natsuki pointed to Anh Lu or Ein-onee-sama as she is referred to in the OVA. She's the chick that was Shizuru's onee-sama who gets horny for girls when she gets drunk with the funny Krillin like spots on her forehead but the same haircut as Fiar which makes wonder if she isn't the same character model with a different hair color. Anh/Ein waved at them making them all wonder where these people were coming from.
"Fortunately I also released the cure for all STDs in the global dispersal system so you don't have to worry about that anymore."
"Oh thank God," Anh/Ein and Shizuru sighed in relief.
3 seconds later Natsuki randomly announced over TV and Radio.
"I'm bored, so I'm restoring everyone's libido so you can put Digimon back on."
Subsequently everyone was given back their libidos and the TV companies marathon played all the seasons of Digimon on every channel making Natsuki very happy.
"Does this mean we can have sex now?" Shizuru pleaded.
"Sorry ask me next week."
Shizuru's screams of frustration could be heard across the world and 40 minutes and 59 seconds hadn't even passed yet.
Next Chapter: Load Condom Cartridge! Speaks for itself don't it.