Jyn wakes to Cassian gasping. She struggles to sit up.
Cassian keeps his eyes shut next to her, but judging from his panting, there's no way he's asleep. Jyn grasps his shoulder; it's damp with sweat. "Cassian."
He pries his head up, peering at her.
"What happened?"
"Bad dream," he mutters.
"Yeah, I gathered." Jyn rests her head against her fist as she lies on her side. Her stomach's starting to poke out now. "Which one this time?"
Cassian raises his eyebrows. "It doesn't matter."
"No," Jyn says, catching his arm as he goes to roll over. "We're not doing that anymore, remember?"
He presses his lips together, and she realizes.
"In my dream, I do it," Cassian says harshly. "In my dream, I do it—and you're—I see you on the platform, and it's too late, and I—"
Jyn shakes her head. He's told her before that he decided not to pull the trigger before he even saw her crawling along that rain-soaked platform.
The image that fills her mind, of her father lying there dying, bleeding from a wound that was never inflicted, sickens Jyn. As it is, the memories of him wounded from the blast still disrupt her sleep. The fear and how it entangled her, made her not want to move, curl up until someone found her, and all the while a voice that sounded an awful lot like Saw Gerrera's was telling her she couldn't stop moving, she had to keep going, and where the voice was, in the past, it was raining too.
"He tried to save his engineers," Cassian says. "At the risk of his own life."
Jyn swallows.
"And that made me think—he was clearly a good person," Cassian adds. "It's not common behavior anywhere, much less among imperial scientists—or anyone associated with the empire. And I didn't want to take more good people from the world." He looks at her, eyes wet and open. "And you. I couldn't do it to you."
And you didn't.
Jyn pulls Cassian closer, wrapping her arms around him. She doesn't like thinking about this. She wants to forget it.
But it's hurting Cassian, still.
"The empire killed my parents," Cassian says, voice muffled against her chest. "And I hated them for it. I still hate them for it. You—"
"You didn't do it," Jyn says, voice wobbling. "You didn't pull that trigger." And she understands. "There's no one in this war without blood on their hands."
"Why did you forgive me?" he asks. "When we got to the hangar on Yavin—you didn't seem like you hated me."
"There wasn't exactly much time to think about it." Jyn shrugs. "And because I wanted to, and because I didn't want to hate you."
She feels his fingers running through her hair, a soothing rhythm. "You know," he says. "When we first escaped from Yavin, your father found me on the ship when I was alone."
Jyn grits her teeth. "What did he say?"
"To make sure to treat you well. Because you were his Stardust."
Hearing her childhood nickname from his lips makes Jyn smile, even though Cassian can't see her in the dark. "My father's not exactly good at threats."
"Not at all," Cassian agrees. "I was totally expecting a 'if you hurt her, I hurt you' speech. Maybe with a raised fist." He's only half-joking.
"He likes you," Jyn says. "Now. And he's pretty excited to be a granddad. Much less scared than we are."
"Soon we won't have the luxury of talking when we wake up in the middle of the night," Cassian agrees. "Because we'll be up all night, as Kaytoo loves to remind me."
"He knows he's helping, right? Or do I have to tell him?"
Cassian laughs. His face rests against her neck, as if he's trying to breathe her in. Drowsiness creeps over them both.
"Welcome home," she murmurs.
Jyn's barely drifted off before an alarm screams and their door slams open. Jyn and Cassian both bolt upright, Jyn grasping the thick blanket to cover herself.
"Why?" Kaytoo asks, morose.
"How do you think we made a baby?" Cassian mutters.
"Why is what we're supposed to be asking." Jyn breathes. "Why are you here? Are you trying to frighten a pregnant woman to death?"
"You wouldn't die so easily. Scarif proves me right about that," Kaytoo retorts. "Cassian said I was to alert you both if there was another wampa attack. There's been another wampa attack. It ate a tauntaun."
"Shit," Jyn says as she scrambles to get out of the bed. "Turn around."
"I'm a droid."
"Are you saying I need to ask twice?"
"I'm turning." Kaytoo turns around as Jyn grabs her trousers and shrugs into her shirt. Cassian yanks on pants and his parka. "If your child turns out to be like you, I think I'm not going to get a minute of rest between trying to calculate all the disasters the child can get up to in the middle of the night."
"You know," Jyn says as she stuffs her feet in her boots. "My best friend growing up was our droid, MacVee. I think I was trying for him, though. I still loved him."
Kaytoo turns around. "I hope you know, Jyn Erso, that I would protect your child with my life."
Oh. Jyn stares up at him, her fists clenched and wet with sweat.
"Let's hope that's never necessary," Cassian grunts as he rushes for the door.
"The odds of that are—"
"That's not what we want to hear!" Jyn hollers as she follows Cassian. You'll be safe, baby. I promise.
I hope.
"Wampa got in over there," she hears a familiar voice saying up ahead. Chirrut waves in their direction, clearly sensing their presence. Papa's pointing to a long tunnel, from which a blast of cold air emerges. Jyn gasps, her teeth chattering.
"No one's hurt," Baze reports, long hair mussed. "Just a tauntaun. Galen got to the wampa before it could attack anything else. We're going to seal off the entrance."
Papa's eyes find her, and he extracts himself to greet her.
"You're okay?" she asks.
"We could use your help sealing the entrance, Cassian," says Baze.
"Yes," Papa affirms, watching as Cassian kisses Jyn's forehead and runs off. Chirrut smirks, clearly having heard it.
"What?" she snaps.
"He's good for you," Chirrut says. "And you're good for him. And your baby will be good for both of you, and you for him or her."
Jyn hugs him. Good. It'll be good. Cassian is good, and she is for him.
"He treats you well," Papa comments as she steps back towards him. "And he's there for you. I wasn't able to be there for Lyra as much as I wanted to, when she was pregnant with you."
That seems to be a common theme, Jyn thinks, and she knows it's what Papa's thinking as well. But that was the Empire's doing, and not his.
"It's funny," Chirrut says, resting his hands on top of his staff. "Galen Erso, you might as well have been a prisoner of the Empire, but you stayed free. Because you loved both of them. Lyra, and Jyn. And without that, we would all be like Jedha, and Alderaan." He twirls his stick around. "Don't underestimate love as a force."
A lump grows in Jyn's throat. Even Papa looks taken aback.
Something flutters inside her, and Jyn inahles.
"Stardust?" Papa turns to her in alarm.
"I'm fine," she says quickly. "Just tired."
But she's not. Excitement courses through her. Jyn's hand slips to her protruding abdomen. You're moving.
You're alive.
She bites her tongue to keep from telling Papa. She wants Cassian to know first.
"That should keep wampas from getting in that entrance," Cassian says as he staggers back, his pants drenched from the knee down and clinging to his calves. His teeth chatter, and his toes tingle, on their way to numbness.
"Great," Jyn says brightly. Too brightly.
What happened? Cassian looks at her.
"We should get some sleep," Jyn announces, grasping Cassian's arms with way too much energy for someone who's sleepy. She hauls him into another corridor, his anxiety mounting with each step. "Night!" she chirps to their friends.
"What?" Cassian croaks out. "Jyn, is something—"
"Nothing's wrong," she says, halting and spinning so that she's facing each other. Her eyes shine, and she grasps his wrists, pulling his hands to her stomach.
Huh? "Jyn—"
"I felt the baby move," she blurts out.
"What?" Cassian's heart skips a beat.
"Don't go back to sleep now, kid," Jyn mutters, poking herself. "Wake up. Come on."
"You won't be saying that in a few months. I predict with certainty you'll be saying go to sleep, please, I'm begging you," Kaytoo proclaims, shaking his head in grave fashion.
Jyn jumps. Cassian groans.
"What?" Kaytoo asks.
"Don't sneak up on us like that," Cassian says.
"We have hearts instead of circuits," Jyn puts in."Fragile hearts."
"That is a lie if I ever heard one," Kaytoo retorts.
And then something stirs under his hands just as Kaytoo opens his mouth. Cassian's jaw drops.
"You feel it too?" Jyn asks.
"The distaste for my sense of humor?" Kaytoo questions.
Cassian can't even respond. He can feel his child turning in Jyn's womb and he's laughing wildly, splaying his hands over her stomach.
"What's going on?" Bodhi's voice asks from behind them. Cassian doesn't turn around.
"I'm afraid," Kaytoo says with a sigh. "That they have lost their minds. Ah well. One of them had a good run at least."
"Shut up, Kaytoo, the baby's moving," Jyn tells him.
"What?" Kaytoo steps forwards. "That's great news! Er—for you two."
Cassian shakes his head, the cold in his legs still stinging but not mattering. He grins at Jyn, who grins back and grabs Bodhi's hand, pulling it towards her stomach. "See?"
"Oh—oh," Bodhi says, eyes widening. He laughs. "That's—that's wonderful."
"Were you that worried about me?" Jyn asks a few weeks later as she yanks her gloves off, cheeks chapped and red from cold.
"Just a little," Cassian responds, prying himself away from the wall he's been leaning against for the past half hour, absolutely not repeatedly asking Bodhi if Jyn, Galen, Kaytoo, and their crew were back yet. Galen nods at Cassian as he passes.
"I find his answer vague and unconvincing," supplies Kaytoo as he saunters in behind Jyn. "I think he was a lot worried."
Jyn snorts as she brushes ice out of her bangs.
"Hey," Cassian protests.
"Good news," Jyn says. "We managed to get the reactors running. It looks like we'll be able to get the base going here in just another few months."
"That's great!" Cassian tries to calm himself, wiping his slick palms on his cargo pants. Jyn's eyes narrow.
"You want to what?" Kaytoo gasped the night before.
"You seem shocked, and I don't understand why," Cassian said as he drank a sip of liquor. "Of course I do. I love her more than anything, Kaytoo." And he thought how he never wanted to place her in an uncomfortable position, how he never wanted to hurt her, and thought yet again about how he almost did.
"Just ask her then," Kaytoo said. "Straightforward."
What would have happened to Jyn if he'd pressed the trigger? he wondered. Would she have lost all hope?
No, he knew. Because Jyn had her father's message which, even if he had pressed the trigger, would have given her the hope and courage to move forward. He would have been the one who truly lost.
"What happened?" Jyn asks.
"Nothing," Cassian says quickly. Bodhi raises his eyebrows. Baze snorts.
"Your lying skills aren't impressing me," Jyn informs him. "Come on." She grabs him by the arm, pulling him along behind her.
This is not going how Cassian planned at all. She yanks him down the corridor. "Um—Jyn—"
The door to their room slides open, and Jyn freezes. "What's all this?" There's a catch in her voice.
"Chirrut helped," Cassian interjects. "And Baze. And Bodhi. And Kaytoo too, a little, if you can believe it." He swallows. "I figure—we don't get very many quiet moments, so—"
"It's lovely," Jyn breathes. The room's lit with soft candles Bodhi found for him on his last visit to a trading post, and Chirrut helped him get Caevellin creams and the ingredients to make puffcakes, which Baze made because Chirrut insisted Baze was actually quite a skilled cook, much to Baze's grumpy denials, but from the looks of it, Chirrut was correct.
"Stop trying to help," Baze finally snapped at Cassian. "You'll ruin everything."
"I hope things are good," Cassian says. "Baze—"
Jyn's stomach rumbles. She laughs, rubbing her stomach. "I think we're both hungry."
"Great." Cassian pulls out a small stool for Jyn and one for himself. As they eat, Cassian asks Jyn about the work her father's up to, and tries to calm himself down. Anxiety tingles in his wrists and he rubs them.
"Why are you being so romantic?" Jyn asks, raising her eyebrows as she tries one of the fruity creams. "It's not like you. Or like me."
Cassian shrugs. "I—wanted to do something for you."
Jyn blinks. "You do things for me every day. We do things for each other every day."
Cassian swallows. "Jyn—I love you."
Jyn's clearly getting uneasy. She shifts, rubbing her back. "You told me that this morning."
"Yeah, but—" How is this so hard? Cassian hates himself. "I wanted to ask you if—you would marry me. After the baby's born. We can—"
Jyn's eyes bulge.
"I want to spend my life with you," Cassian rushes on. "I want to tell you I love you every morning. I want to have more children with you, and I want to learn from you and—"
Jean leans across the table, grasping his shoulder. He stops.
"Did you really think I'd say no?" she asks, her face inches from his own.
"No. Not really," Cassian says, heart thumping in relief.
Jyn shakes her head and leans down to take his mouth in hers. "What I want," she says, breaking away and kissing the tense side of his jaw, her lips brushing against hist stubble. "Is to wake up next to you every morning. I want to watch you hold our child and know that however many terrible things we've done, we helped create a better world for her, or him, and I want you to realize that too." She pulls back, clasping both sides of his face. "I want you and me to both keep trying to be better people. I want to help you. I want you to help me. I want to marry you, Cassian Andor."
He pulls her tight against him, pressing his face into the crook between her neck and shoulder.
"It's hard to seduce you when you're not letting me move," she hisses.
Cassian snorts and pulls back, his hands sliding up her sides.
"I just have one request," she murmurs into his ear.
"How is she?" Galen asks Cassian the next morning.
"Tired," Cassian answers honestly. "But she slept well last night."
"You make my daughter very happy, you know," Galen says, busying himself over tea again. "Thank you."
Cassian blinks, adjusting his parka. He could probably take it off; the room's warm enough. Especially if they're going to be drinking tea. "She makes me very happy, too."
Galen gives Cassian a kind smile. He drops a small bit of sugar ration in Cassian's tea, keeping none for his own mug. "I prefer it not sweet."
Cassian doesn't need Kaytoo to know that's a lie, but he can only mumble his thanks. "The baby's kicking a lot more, lately. Kept Jyn up last night."
"Decent preparation for what's coming," Galen says as he takes a sip. "According to Lyra." The lines around his eyes deepen with regrets he was never in control over, lines that look more like scars of a man who voluntarily walked into hell to save everyone.
A part of your soul still lives there, doesn't it? Cassian thinks.
He clears his throat, hands wrapped around the scalding tea. "Actually, I—we've talked about it, and I'd like to marry her."
"Oh." Galen's eyebrows raise. He pushes his teacup away from him. "And what does she say?"
"She said yes."
Galen's face breaks into a smile. "I'm glad to hear it."
Cassian swallows some of the sweetened liquid. It burns, stinging on its way down. "She also said that I had to tell you some things first." The sugar clings to his tongue.
"If it's eating you up," Jyn told him as she climbed on top of Cassian, her hand cupping his face. "Maybe you should just tell him."
Galen laughs. "She's more like her mother than she realizes."
"I know Lyra gave her that necklace," Cassian says, shrugging out of his parka.
"Lyra had a strong faith in the Force. Not unlike your guardian friends," Galen says. "I still miss her. She was headstrong and passionate, and she cared deeply—she was a good woman."
Cassian twists his fingers around his parka, now resting in his lap. His heart slams inside his chest.
"And you're a good man," Galen continues. "So—"
"I'm not. Not exactly."
"Hm?" The teacup, chipped in a few places, stops a few inches from Galen's mouth.
"I-I'm not," Cassian stammers.
"Not—a good man?" Galen asks. The cup clacks against the table.
Cassian shakes his head, pressing his forehead against the heels of his hands. Galen waits, silent. "Galen, when we got you from Eadu—my orders were to kill you, no questions asked. I didn't do it—I went out to, I had the sniper configuration on and it was pointed at your head, but I kept thinking of Jyn, and then of other people I killed—because the Rebellion liked to use me as an assassin, if necessary, and sometimes I got so used to killing it wasn't even completely necessary—sometimes I could have found another way—I couldn't pull the trigger. I didn't want to be like that anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I just wanted it all to be worth it. And more terrible things piled up, to ensure that that first terrible thing was worth it, and even Kaytoo started noticing the toll it was taking.
Calm down. Just calm down. Cassian remembers the terrified informant dropping to the ground, and his stomach churns.
"It's understandable," Galen says, even though his face is the color of the ice coating this planet.
Cassian shakes his head. "No. It was a wrong order to—"
"Cassian, I created a weapon that destroyed billions," Galen interrupts. "I can understand it. And, Cassian, this isn't the first time I've heard such rumors. I just never wanted to press them."
"But we were wrong," Cassian says, studying his scuffed boots as his head hangs low. "About you. About—" How many lives did I end just because I was afraid to put in the time to see if I was right or wrong?
"You love my daughter, and she loves you," Galen says, and Cassian feels a hand clamp around his shoulder. Galen's mouth opens and closes as if reconsidering what to say."No one has to be perfect for us to love them, or to care about them, or even for us to have a high opinion of them."
"That is true," Cassian acknowledges. Sometimes, he almost feels as if he can believe it about himself, when Jyn says his name, when she looks at him.
Galen sighs. "We work for the cause we believe in imperfectly, however the lots we're given allow us to; some cleaner than others, but we all have our regrets. I don't know if I think there are bad people, even among the empire—just good people who are very, very lost."
Huh. Cassian considers it. Do you even believe it?
You do. You just forget, sometimes.
"I wouldn't go around repeating that sentiment," Cassian warns.
"I wouldn't either," Galen tells him.
You trust me.
"When you have your child," Galen adds. "I think you might understand more. There is no end to what you would do to protect them, and nothing that they could do to ever make you stop loving them."
"And Jyn loves you, you know," Cassian says.
"I know," Galen says. "That was the worst part of not hearing of her. I thought she might be dead—I thought she might despise me, and she wouldn't be wrong to."
Your love for her saved the galaxy.