Disclaimer: I don't own Glee
"Leave me alone! You guys are nothing but bullies!" He sprints away, looking behind his back. We turn to Evan, waiting for him to tell us what to do. We've been doing that a lot lately. He's like the unspoken leader of the group.
"Grab him," he says, sounding bored.
I run, along with a couple other guys on the team and pin Zach's arms behind his back. We lead him over near the huge, swinging doors to the inside of the school. He starts to squirm and protest, but the kid's a runt. I almost feel sorry for him.
"Stop it!" His voice is actually lower than expected, and he doesn't look gay at all. Not that I would know. I just assume that Evan did his research. He's the one who goes to school with the kid, not me.
My cousin steps up really close to his face. "Listen Zach. Your prancing around the halls is getting old. We," he gestures to all of us, "are getting real sick of it. So you're a princess. Congratulations! But that doesn't mean you have go shout it out to the world. Believe it or not, people like us don't give a crap about homos like you." He punctuates each of the last three words with a stab to his chest. Zach winces.
"I didn't choose it!"
"Like hell you didn't choose it." And with that, he places a punch directly at his stomach. Zach would've doubled over if we hadn't been there to hold him up.
As Evan throws his arm back, undoubtedly to strike again, Zach's voice turns pleading. "Not- my- face," he pants.
"Oh, so the little fairy doesn't want to mess up his perfect little face?"
"No- my parents…" It only takes a moment for us to understand what he's trying to say.
"They don't know their son likes boys?" He grins gleefully.
Zach just shakes his head miserably, tears still welling up from the pain in his stomach. For a fourteen-year-old kid, he's pretty tough; I'll give him that. I'd even call him badass if he weren't, well, gay.
"Well, well, well. Too scared to come out of the closet? Come with me guys." He starts walking away, and we follow, half-dragging, half-leading Zach down the empty halls. We finally reach the janitor's closet, and Zach realizes what's going to happen. Protesting, he starts flailing again.
"You don't deserve to come out of any closet, then. You're pathetic." And with that, Zach gets thrown in and the door is locked securely behind him. We hear fists pounding on the door and cries for help, but we just walk calmly away.
Until I come back an hour later.
"Zach?"
I strain my ears, and finally hear something. He's crying, and I can hear him sniffling from the other side of the door.
"N-Noah? What are you doing?" he asks as I open the closet, letting him out. His eyes are red and swollen and his hands are bleeding. I avert my eyes.
"Don't tell anyone about this." I try to sound stern.
He just nods, turning away. He starts jogging, but stops to bend over his injured stomach. Mine turns over on itself.
So what if I let the kid out? I'm still totally badass. The only reason I even came back was because I'm claustrophobic. I tried imagining any amount of time locked in the darkness and figured I'd give the midget a break.
I never thought I'd even see him again.
Xxx
Puck wakes up, startled and disoriented. His dream wasn't a dream. It was a memory. One he's been trying to forget since it ever happened. His cousin Evan was always a total jerk, and Zach had been his favorite victim for a while. It's hard to think of Zach as Blaine.
Blaine, who is charming and confident and going out with Kurt. He's hurt both of them before. But Kurt forgave him. Blaine, not so much.
Puck gets it, kind of. It isn't a surprise that Z- Blaine- is mad. But it was so long ago. Can't he just let the past be the past?
Puck is trying. He's trying really hard. He wants to make things better with Finn because, come on, they were like best friends. He wants to make things better with Quinn because he thinks he might have actually loved her. And he wants to make things better with Blaine because Blaine is a good guy. He deserves it.
He's going to make things better for himself.
Xxx
Love is a funny thing.
People say it makes you happy. It makes the world brighter. And for Puck, for at least a little while, it did. He had a hot girlfriend who actually liked him too and she wasn't afraid to push him around. He liked that. A lot.
But people always forget to mention the aftermath of things.
"I'm moving to Los Angeles. Ohio couldn't handle the Zizes."
It's one of the only times Puck's ever been silenced. He can't seem to make the words come out of his mouth at all. It's like there's something clogging up his throat. All he can do is hope that when he can make sound, it doesn't sound like a dying whale.
He refuses to acknowledge the fact that he's close to tears.
They make out as a way of saying goodbye, but his heart isn't in it. And it's saying something about the way she affected him when he's thinking about his heart while he's kissing someone as hot as she is. It kind of scares him, if he's being honest. He doesn't really know how to go on.
Not that she would care. From the looks of it, she's long past that stage.
When he gets home, he stays in his room for several hours. When he comes out with red, swollen eyes, he blames it on his zombie movie marathon.
His mother and sister never ask any questions about what happened, instead busying themselves with household chores. His mom makes a halfhearted comment about how many zombie movies he watches, and can't she get some help around here?
He just nods, but he doesn't look up from his feet.
It isn't the first time he's dreamed of running away.
Xxx
"Noah Puckerman, you have some explaining to do." Before he answers, he mutters something incoherent about midgets and brunettes and how annoying they make the world.
"I don't owe you anything, even if you are Jewish."
"Noah, that doesn't have to do with anything. I appreciate the fact that we are of the same faith, but that is not relevant to this conversation. I was here to ask you about a certain recently converted Warbler."
"What about him?" Puck is starting to get annoyed. It's kind of hard to forget about the incidents when everyone keeps trying to bring them up.
"I overheard a conversation you two were having and you seemed to be extremely familiar with each other. And who is Zach?"
"I don't think that's any of your business." His stare turns cold, cold enough to make her blood turn to ice. He knows its power. He's also mildly impressed when she continues to press after only a moment's hesitation.
"It became my business when he joined New Directions. I can't have this throwing off the group dynamic."
"We haven't even sung anything as a group yet," he points out, sick of having the same conversation every day with different people. He misses the times when all he had to think about was getting in bed with Santana…he's jolted back into reality by her response.
"We will."
Puck wants to throw his hands up in frustration, and very nearly does, when he stops. An idea starts to form. At first it seems ridiculous. He isn't that good of an actor anyways, though he can't speak for Zach.
Blaine, he corrects himself. And now that he thinks about it, Blaine must be an awesome actor. Otherwise Kurt and Finn and Rachel would have eaten him alive by now. He knows how annoying it is to be the center of gossip (trust him, he's definitely been there) and he knows how hard it can be to keep the truth under wraps. What he doesn't get is why he's keeping the secret.
Why doesn't he just play the victim? He could get away with it so easily because, well, he was the victim. Puck was a jerk. He sees that now. But Blaine is continuing to hide his secret. Sure, he threatened Puck a few times, but it was all behind closed doors. No one heard them talki-
Wait. What did Rachel say? I overheard a conversation…
With a start he realizes she's still standing there, waiting impatiently. Her foot is tapping loudly on the linoleum floor and her hands are on her hips. She's looking up at him expectantly.
"What did you hear?" His voice is somewhat strangled, and he wants to kill her for making him sound any less confident and terrifying than he usually is. His reputation will go down the drain if he doesn't get back on track.
She worries her lip, glancing to the side.
"Just that he's unhappy with you about a disagreement in the past, and that he doesn't want you around Kurt anymore. I'd be happy to hear you out if you'd like to talk. I took a teen therapy class over the summer," he rolls his eyes. "Don't look so surprised! It's my fallback in case my talents aren't recognized on Broadway."
He doesn't even want to think about answering that. Therapy? Instead of replying, he comes up with a way to get out of the situation.
"Um, I have to go."
"Class?" she asks eagerly, seeming almost excited. But it's not like Puck is about to change his ways. Class is boring. Puck isn't.
He laughs shortly. "You've got a lot to learn, Berry," he chuckles, sauntering off. He leaves her there, looking at the ground, and kind of feels bad. She should know he's not planning on going to class, obviously, but he knows that his words had a lot of meaning in them. Continuing on down the empty hallway, he can make out the faint sound of a sniffle behind him.
Thinking back, he remembers how tough Berry has had it. Half of it was his fault. The slushies, the fake going out, the way he helped ruin her chances with Finn. He's just adding insult to injury as he steps farther and farther away from her and his past.
And the more he thinks about it, the better he feels. He's leaving it all behind. He's turning over a new leaf if it kills him. And honestly, it just might.
He doesn't look back once.
Xxx
The idea's been haunting him. Can they pull it off? The more he talks to and watches Blaine, the more Puck thinks they have a chance. He got the idea out of one of those sci-fi movies where the future is all weird. Basically, the people all agree to pretend something never happened. Once enough people truly believe that, it's like it never happened at all.
Because it isn't the past that's haunting Puck. The past is over, gone, finished.
It's the memories.
Xxx
"You're insane."
"Come on, just give it a shot," Puck asks, his tone pleading. All he needs is for Blaine to see, just for a second, the way this could work out.
"There is no way I am lying to my friends and family because of some scheme you're determined will work. It'll never even get past the first stage."
"You aren't lying right now? I see Kurt asking you like every day if there's something going on between us."
He has a pained look on his face and Puck can tell he's gotten through, at least a little bit. He continues eagerly, "Just try it. And then it'll be over and we can go back to being kind of strangers that sort of know each other but not really."
"I…I don't think so. I think we need to tell the truth. I hate how weak I was, and I'm sure you aren't a fan of your past actions either. But we were both a little lost. It's time to put it all behind us for real. To get closure."
Closure? Puck was never looking for closure. All he wants is for everything to just disappear. He's constantly stressed out and nervous about someone finding out his secret. He takes alternate routes to his classes just to avoid most members of Glee and he hasn't shown up to Schuester's Spanish class in three days. The secret's starting to take its toll. It's almost exactly the same as it was with Quinn.
The thought makes him sick. He hated what he did to Finn, to everyone. He hated the way that people looked at him with pity and disgust. He hated the way that everyone assumed he was the one who started the whole mess. Quinn was the one who asked him to keep the secret, and when it got out Puck was the bad guy. The villain. The one who lied to his friends. With an almost visible start, he realizes something that makes his heart sink into his stomach.
He's doing the exact same thing to Blaine.
Xxx
Puck's been thinking about the past a lot lately. It's like he can't help it. Everything he's ever tried to forget is forcing its way back to the surface one way or another. One thing especially. But it's not a bad memory, weirdly enough. He gets enough of those daily. This memory is one that almost makes him smile until he realizes that it's of something he almost had. Something that got away from him.
It's from the pregnancy. Most of his memories are. It's the time when he cried the most (like, twice. It was a bad time for him), worked the hardest, and felt the deepest emotions he'd ever felt. It terrified him, but he learned a lot about himself.
Apparently he's like, super responsible. And he can totally earn money pretty fast. And he'd make a good father.
The last one always makes something pang inside of him.
Shaking his head, he realizes the one memory that keeps standing out. It won't leave him alone. It makes him sad and happy and angry and freaked out all in one, and he wishes he could just forget. Forgetting is so much easier than remembering. Because this isn't a memory of what was. It's a memory of what could've been.
"Stop it!" she cries, shielding her face with her hands. Her hair and clothes are already covered in flower, and there's egg in her eyes. She doesn't seem to care, though, if the way she's giggling is any indicator.
He retaliates with a bowl of chocolate. It drenches her completely. She looks up, eyes flashing, and he wonders if he made a mistake. If he took it too far. It wouldn't be the first time. But she grabs the nearest bowl to her (powdered sugar) and soon he's as white as she is. Soon it becomes a full-blown food fight and they're laughing so hard they can't catch their breath. It's perfect.
Until Finn walks in.
He can't stop replaying the scene in his head. It's a simple thing, really, but at the same time it's so much more. If Finn were out of the picture, who knows what they could've been. More than friends? Or even less?
Puck just thinks that anything is better than where they stand now.
Absolutely nowhere.
Xxx
"Home!" he yells. He doesn't bother with the 'I'm' anymore. It's not like anyone is really listening. He hears an echo- his mom yelling something back- but just trudges up to his room. She won't follow him.
He considers doing homework for about ten seconds, then pulls out his X-box. He connects to the live circuit and kills Finn a few times. They send insulting messages to each other even when they're on the same team, just like they always used to. After three rounds, though, Finn has to go. Kurt is showing him how to cook something fancy. After saying goodbye (and telling him to bring some to Puck if it's any good), Puck decides he likes having Finn back as a friend.
He missed it.
Xxx
Dinner is awkward. It has been for a long time now. Puck cares about his family, he really does, but he's had a lot to think about. He never realized how much he keeps under wraps.
His mom never knew about Quinn. Or the bullying. Or any of it. Juvy, yes. But that's only because she had to sign him in and out. He never told them about regionals and nationals for Glee and how it changed him, or about Lauren and how he thought she was the first girl he ever really loved.
The more he thinks about, the more he thinks she's the second.
But he wishes that his mom knew about all of it. It's not like he's a sensitive person, or any of that crap, but it'd be nice to talk to someone. He just isn't sure if he can make it through some of those stories without saying something he'll regret (which isn't to be confused with doing something he'll regret. He's already familiar with that).
"How are your classes going, Noah?" his mom asks a tad awkwardly, trying to initiate some sort of conversation.
"Fine," he replies curtly. He isn't in the mood.
"How about you, Mia?"
"They're okay, I guess. There's this one boy who keeps calling me names and pulling on my hair and stuff though. The class is easy, so that's good. It's just annoying." She says this with such a blasé tone that it seems like nothing. But it's not. She's just good at hiding it. He remembers the way Hummel used to go to the bathroom after he got slushied. When he came out, head held high, it was like nothing had ever happened.
"I have to go," Puck says, excusing himself. It's too much. The bullying, the hurt in her voice, the way her ponytail bobs up and down when she talks. He can't do it. He can't sit there and hear her say things like that without feeling a pit of guilt so deep in his stomach it hurts. He wants to tear out his hair, and for some reason he finds it cruelly ironic that he has none to tear out.
He can't do this. He can't keep doing these things and keeping them to himself because it's killing him from the inside out.
He needs to tell someone, anyone, what happened.
But he needs to talk to Blaine first.
Xxx
"I want to tell them."
"Are you sure? This is a big deal. It's not like it will just blow over."
"I don't care. This is worse."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes. I've felt awful keeping this from Kurt. It's time we got it all out in the open."
"Deal."
And that's how Puck ends up standing in front of the Glee club for the second time in three days. The whole club is looking at him strangely, but a select few have an idea of where this is going the second they hear the first few notes of the song start to play.
I need another story
something to get off my chest
my life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
He sees Berry mouthing the words along out of the corner of his eye. Normally he'd be annoyed, but now he can't bring himself to care.
'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
He barely hits the notes, but Blaine and Kurt's subtle harmonies are seriously helping him out. It seems like they're both in on it. Blaine didn't tell anyone early, did he? No, he promised…
This time don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Oh, got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
He waits a moment, and the silence is charged with anticipation. He thinks Rachel is going to fall off of her seat. He takes a breath, bracing himself. He then mentally berates himself for needing to brace himself. He's way tougher than that. At least, he used to be.
After this week, he isn't sure of anything anymore.
"I have something I need to tell you guys. Blaine and I knew each other before he came to McKinley."
No one looks particularly surprised. Kurt even looks…bored? Not cool. Anger flares up inside of him. Who does Hummel think he is? Does he honestly think he's better than all of them?
Whoa. His thoughts haven't been that vicious towards the kid since at least last year. Focusing, he continues his story, giving the basic information.
"My cousin was the one who forced him to go to Dalton. And I helped."
You could hear a pin drop. Puck is almost tempted to drop something, just to see. He quickly banishes the childish thought from his head. If there's one thing he's learned from Baby Gate, it's that maturity isn't really an option.
It's a necessity.
"You were one of his bullies?" Kurt's voice is wavering slightly, disbelief evident in both his tone and his eyes as he asks the question. He's talking to Puck, but his gaze never leaves Blaine.
"Kind of, yeah." Puck scuffs his shoe at the ground, suddenly feeling ashamed.
"You never told me?" Now his voice is small, scared, and the question is evidently directed at Blaine. Puck feels the guilt growing inside of him. If they break up and it's his fault…
"I didn't want to make you worry, and I didn't think it was such a big deal. We don't need more drama here."
"And how would you be the best judge of the drama in a club you joined this week?" Kurt's tone is scathing and Puck watches sympathetically as Blaine shrinks back a little, looking apologetic.
"I'm sorry."
"Can we just talk about this later?" He pinches the bridge of his nose, looking down, and scoots his chair the slightest bit away from his boyfriend.
"Dude, it isn't his fault. This was all me. Just forgive him. You guys don't need to break over something stupid like this."
The whole club is staring at him in shock, but Puck stands his ground. He's right. He's finally doing the right thing. For once in his life, he's making something better instead of worse. For once he's trying to keep people together instead of tearing them apart.
And he gets it. He gets why everyone is careful with what they say. He doesn't necessarily think he's going to be doing it any time soon, but maybe people like Blaine who are walking on eggshells around everyone else have the right idea after all.
Kurt looks somewhat embarrassed at his outburst. "Sorry."
Wait. Did Hummel just apologize? Since when does he apologize?
"I'm sorry too. Want to come over tonight?"
"I'd love to."
"As sweet as this all is…" Puck cuts in awkwardly.
The room laughs, tension evaporating. Most people go back to doing what they were doing before. Mercedes turns to face Tina; Mike is idly playing with her hair. Finn watches Kurt and Blaine with a mix of trepidation and happiness. Puck is still standing awkwardly, shifting his weight to his left leg. He's just watching for the first time since he joined Glee. He's usually so engrossed with his own problems that he really doesn't give a (you know what) when it comes to anybody else. It's not like anyone else mattered to him.
But now he looks on and he feels lonely. He also feels the closest to all of them he's ever felt. And that's trippy, because it's not like he's some girl in a bad chick flick. He's Puck. He's awesome.
"Can I talk to you in the hall?" He starts at Quinn's gentle voice. She guides his arm out the door when he nods stiffly, swallowing. He feels numb.
He isn't sure if it's a good thing or not.
"That was really brave of you to do."
"It was my fault to start with. He was like four feet tall, Quinn, and I helped them. I didn't even think it was wrong." His tone is pleading, begging her to tell him something, anything. He doesn't know what he wants to hear, though. He wants her to yell at him for being wrong, but he also wants to be told it's going to be all right.
He's never felt so weak.
"You're different now. And the song was perfect. Just promise me you won't be keeping any more secrets. When I was pregnant…I shouldn't have asked you to do what you did. But that was different. It wasn't your fault. And you made this right. You've changed a lot Puck."
"I know." And he does. But so has she. She's quiet, reserved, and lonely. He thought that she'd go back to normal after Beth was gone, but she retreated into herself. She's had to grow faster than she ever should have because of him.
"You know, I've changed too. People say that having a child makes you happier. I didn't get that." She laughs bitterly and Puck hates the sound, hates the way it makes his stomach clench, hates the way he can't look her in the eye. "I went through boyfriend after boyfriend and I couldn't find anyone who was right. I started to think that I wasn't right. But I kind of accepted myself along the way. I thought Finn and I would be perfect. We were before, you know. But I was wrong. I don't fit. I thought I did a long time ago, but I was wrong. I wanted to blame people, but I couldn't. It isn't anyone's fault. It's just the way I am."
But no matter what she says, he knows the truth.
It was his fault the whole time.