It was Valentine's Day in Konoha, that famous day when the infamous Konoha Eleven became the bachelor Konoha Three. On this fateful day the inside of Ichiraku's Ramen became home for three lonely men. They ranged from openly expressing their discontent to utter denial. All were feeling slightly more miserable this year as they had lost yet another member of their group to the clutches of a female and that stupid thing; love.
"I can't believe yet another good man has fallen," Kiba exclaimed, banging his fist on the counter for emphasis. The beastmaster had already had one too many. "All anyone really needs is a pal like Akamaru." The large white dog at his side barked in agreement. "Chouji might have left us for what's-her-face but at least there's still the two of us, right Lee?"
"You've forgotten me again, Kiba."
Both men looked guiltily towards their left. Shino stared them down. Glasses were hiding his expression but the aura of annoyance emitting from his body was an unmistakable warning.
"Of course we knew you were there Shino. Your youth cannot be concealed no matter how thick your trench coat is!"
"No matter, no matter," Kiba laughed nervously, "old man can we get some more sake over here?"
With more drinks placed before them, Kiba started to get down to business.
"Brothers, we have made a pact, an oath to remain free and independent of women. And as we sit together celebrating our freedom, a toast for our fallen brothers."
After their glasses clinked together Shino let out a sigh filled with anguish.
"What is wrong my friend?" Lee questioned, throwing himself onto Shino in a slightly drunken stupor.
"I was just remembering a horrible mission I was sent on."
"Was it an assassination?" Kiba questioned.
"Worse, much worse," the bug user shuddered. "Naruto and Hinata," nothing else needed to be said. All three men stared into space for a few seconds.
"I know how you feel man," Kiba patted his arm comfortingly.
"No, Kiba, you have no idea. Hinata is like our sister and Naruto – he – he – it was just disturbing. They tried to be discreet about it but noise travels in a forest. It travels...so...fast," his voice rang clear with suffering and disgust.
"Fret not Shino I have also been made a victim of this type of thing. Recently, I was on an escort mission with Sai and Ino-chan. The whole time I thought something was wrong because they kept staring at each other. Sai is always giving everyone that fake smile of his but I thought this was only youthful. But when we stopped at an inn Sai left the room we were sharing," Lee's eyes became shiny and tears brimmed over the edges, "and my ears lost their innocence that fateful night!" he cried.
Shino gave his spandex clad friend a grunt of apology.
Kiba stared at the two before bursting into raucous laughter. His face became so red that the two men thought he was choking.
"You two, oh, you have no idea. Mine is so much worse! Prepare yourselves for a most horrifying story." He could still see it all so clearly.
He remembers walking into the Hokage's office. Kakashi sat behind his desk, hands in a steeple position.
Greeting Kiba with a wave he spoke, "Here's the other member of your team."
The two already in the room turned to look at him. The woman with hands on her hips glowered in his direction. The man let out an aggravated sigh. He should have known right there, Kiba told himself, that this could only end badly.
"I realize that the two of you could probably handle a mission like this yourselves but protocol says I must send three shinobi."
"What a drag."
The Hokage's eyes lit up with mirth. The couple walked out of the room but Kiba just stood in shock.
"Sorry about this," said Kakashi, but judging from the crinkle of his eyes and amused tone of voice Kiba determined that he was quite pleased. "I wouldn't have done this to you if I had another option."
"It's fine but why are you apologizing?"
"Temari hasn't been here in Konoha for a month," the Hokage let the sentence sit in the air. Kiba sure felt like a dunce now for not understanding the weight of those words.
"I understand," he said, unconvincingly.
"Uh huh," with that Kakashi waved him out of the office and out to his dismal fate.
"Hold on a minute!" Rock lee interrupted his story. "You mean to say that this is about Shikamaru and Temari-san? This is the same as what Shino and I experienced?"
"I must agree with Lee," said Shino, "those two hardly seem like the type."
Kiba just shook his head. Perhaps he shouldn't share his burden with them. He hadn't been able to look Shikamaru in the eye for a week after the incident. However, screw that! They had made him suffer so the village deserved to know.
"I wouldn't speak so soon you two."
He met them at the gates. Shikamaru gave a quick debrief of the mission and they were on their way. It was a short mission. They were supposed to travel to a small village near the edge of fire country to retrieve some rare medicinal herbs. Usually this would be a job for genins but news had gotten out that some rogue shinobi were also after the medicine.
It all seemed rather stupid to Kiba. What kind of rogue shinobi was interested in dumb plants anyways?
They'd be able to reach the village by late afternoon if they traveled at top speed. Shikamaru, who had actually been there before, suggested that they set up camp that night in the same spot he had been last time with Choji and Ino.
By the time they had reached the village and collected the herbs he wished that they had been attacked by rogue ninja.
Perhaps it would have relieved the uncomfortable tension, which seemed to roll off the two shinobi beside him in waves. Kiba wasn't as naive as Rock Lee. He knew perfectly well what the looks, or rather the ogling, between the two of them meant. When he got back to the village he would be sure to stay clear of Shikamaru's apartment for a couple of days.
By twilight they had reached the clearing and Kiba eagerly offered himself up to retrieve some kindling for the fire, anything to rid himself of the thick sexual tension that was practically tangible at this point. Meandering through the forest, he decided to give them a solid half hour.
He was very careful in collecting each twig and was positive this was ample time for those two to make out and get over whatever was in their systems.
The sun had finally ducked below the horizon when Kiba started to make his way back to camp. He thought his ears were betraying him as he approached the clearing. And it was then that he stood, arms at his side, kindling crashing to the ground.
Now, he realized that he probably should have returned fifteen minutes earlier. If he had just done that, sure, he would have found them in a lip lock but at least it wouldn't have been like this.
"Are you just going to stand there and watch?" A prickling female voice questioned.
Kiba couldn't process much as this point. His face was surely the colour of the sash that had previously, that should still be, tied around the woman's waist.
Weren't they supposed to break apart from each other? Shouldn't they be embarrassed and apologizing profusely? No, they weren't doing either of those things.
"Your friends are all perverts."
He could hardly believe his ears. It wasn't him who was stark naked and entwined with another person. Really he didn't know what he was waiting for. All he knew was that his feet were like lead.
"He'll be a dead pervert soon," his comrade's usually lazy tone of voice was surprisingly brisk and spared Kiba no doubt that he was about to make good on that statement.
Possibly faster than he had in his life, he sprinted. All night he ran, Akamaru whining at his side, all the way to Konoha, not daring to look back.
His friends' faces were almost worth reliving such an experience.
He was positive that Shino's mouth hung open under that ridiculous coat. His teammate's face was even paler than usual.
Lee looked like someone had just told him Gai-sensei was ill with a terminal disease.
"You – saw ..." Shino stuttered.
"Everything," he admitted. Lee had made his way over to him and Kiba was engulfed in a crippling hug.
"Oh, Kiba, I cannot bear to think of it. You truly are the most unfortunate of us all!"
It was at this moment that a couple passed the shop entrance. The spiky hair, black and blond, left no room for doubt. All three of them quickly looked intensely into their meals and away from the street. Kiba thought he must have done something fairly awful in a past life to deserve this.
"What do you think their problem is?" the girl questioned, clinging to his side for warmth.
Shikamaru took one look at Kiba's ramrod spine and blazing face and smirked. His girlfriend looked expectantly at him.
With a chuckle, he swooped down to kiss her unexpectedly, pleased by the increasing awkwardness of the three men in front of them.
"You're really not going to tell me?" she huffed after the broke apart.
"I could...but it would all be rather troublesome."