AN: Hey guys, long time, no update I know; hopefully this chapter can make up for the large time gap. I have had this chapter partially completed on my desktop since October. So to p4tr1c14 and everyone else who has been reading, I really do apologize. Good news: College apps are almost done so hopefully I'll have more time to devote to this fic. That being said, I will still probably update not as fast as either of us would like, but I will update as soon as I can. Thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing, following, and favoriting this story. This chapter is set in Season 1, from the Sectionals episode through the Power of Madonna episode. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas! For those who don't, happy reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters from Glee. I also do not own " Cold Turkey," that belongs to John Lennon.

It was silent for a moment after she admitted that she leaked the set list.

They all hated her, she could tell. She understood it; she hated herself too. She hadn't meant to leak the set list, she really hadn't. It was just…Sue asked her for it. Sue asked her for it after telling her that she was no longer eligible for ANY after school activity unless she got extra credit in one of her classes to boost her grade. Sue asked her for it after informing her that she could convince Brittany's history teacher to bump up her grade. Sue asked her for it and Brittany…maybe it was selfish, but Brittany really couldn't say no.

Brittany could feel Santana almost immediately pull away from where they had been standing and her heart broke a little bit when Santana said that her favorite part of the day was Glee. Great- now Santana was upset with her, again. Santana had already pretty much been ignoring her all week due to her "slip up". She just hadn't been thinking and…ugh. She didn't even want to think about that now.

She was so inside her head (berating herself over her choice that she didn't really have a choice in and her failures) that she almost missed when Finn strolled in with ideas she was sure he didn't come up with himself. She was doubly surprised though when her name was included in part of his "save the day" plan- although she knew that she and Mike were the best dancers.

She shuffled over to the other side of the room, where Mike, Matt, and Santana were already gathering. Santana, Brittany could tell, was purposefully avoiding eye contact with her. Matt tried to give Brittany a smile, but she refused to respond to it, memories of Santana's ass in his hands making her ears grow warm. Instead, she focused on giving Mike a fake smile. Mike was nice enough- he didn't talk very much and boy, could he dance. Mike was already talking about choreography and how on earth they could try to make it look cohesive.

Brittany gave input here and there, trying to catch Santana's eyes all the while. Her efforts were for naught though- the Latina would not meet her eyes. Eventually the four of them managed to come up with mostly workable choreography and then they realized that they had to teach it to the group (including Finn) in half an hour AND make it look good. Crap.

"Alright…so I guess we should just…get them in a group and explain it?" Mike asked uncertainly, glancing up at Brittany. Brittany shrugged, not really seeing a better option.

The next hour pretty much passed in a blur for Brittany- a blur during which a heavy feeling of disappointment remained in her chest for pretty much the whole time. She helped teach choreography to the group, then they had to preform after what seemed like no time at all. Brittany plastered on her fake smile and it didn't turn real until the results came out. They won. They won- Brittany hadn't done too much damage. For once, she felt a large smile grow on her face.

Brittany turned almost automatically, expecting subconsciously to end up hugging Santana, and instead found herself wrapped up in an embrace with Quinn. After Quinn released her, Brittany found herself in Mike's arms. She hugged him back lightly before trying to find Santana, but then they were being ushered off the stage and Miss Pillsbury was telling them to go back to the bus with a giant smile on her face.

Following her teammates down the hallways, Brittany craned her neck in an attempt to find Santana. All the blonde got for her efforts was a strained neck. She felt herself almost automatically follow Matt up the narrow stairs up onto the bus. She felt herself gulp when she caught sight of the Latina sitting in the back, fiddling with her phone on her lap. After working her way to the back while shooting fake smiles whenever addressed by someone, she eventually found herself next to Santana's seat.

"Hey…" Brittany breathed, waiting for a response. Slowly, Santana looked up in acknowledgement. "Mind if I sit next to you?"

She watched as the darker girl pursed her lips and clenched her jaw (as Brittany knew she only did when she was a mixture of stressed and frustrated). Slowly, Santana dropped her eyes and shrugged. "It's a free country Britt." Brittany slid into the seat, deciding that not getting an outright denial was a sign to continue.

The two sat in silence for several minutes and Brittany couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. Finally, Brittany quietly forced out, "Can we talk, S?"

"Talk about what?" Santana muttered, turning her stare out the window. "Talk about the fact that you leaked the set list? Talk about the fact that you told the whole Glee club about…" Santana looked quickly at the seats around them before turning back towards the window, "…our private life? I just…what, Brittany?"

Brittany flinched at the use of her whole name- Santana only ever used it if she was very angry, sad, or frustrated (Santana wasn't sad). She opened her mouth and closed it a couple of times, unsure how to even begin this conversation with Santana.

Was she supposed to tell Santana that her mom had hired her yet another tutor? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she was stoned on painkillers she found in her mom's room when she told the Glee club about their extra curricular (in bed) activities? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she was failing school? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she didn't want any of the guys that wanted her, she only wanted the soft curves Santana's body provided? Was she supposed to tell Santana that she had run out of fresh skin on her arms and while her cuts there were healing she was using her thighs?

Instead, Brittany took a deep breath and turned her eyes onto the back of the seat in front of her. The seat wouldn't judge. "I thought we could just…talk. Are you mad at me?"

"I-god, Britt, what kind of question is that?" Santana huffed and Brittany could just imagine the nostril flaring that went along with it. Brittany knew she was frustrating her, but she just couldn't seem to really connect- it was like, Brittany wanted them to communicate well, but mixed wires were preventing them from doing so. "What the hell has been up with you lately?"

Brittany licked her lips and decided that the only way she could avoid talking about that stuff was by talking about the stuff Santana originally wanted to talk about. "I was high. When I said that stuff on the party line, I was high and I know that it's still bad but I swear that I didn't mean to say it. It just came out."

She heard Santana sigh and curse under her breath in Spanish (the only Spanish words Brittany knew were the curse words). "Britt…look at me." Brittany turned her gaze towards Santana and found soft chocolate eyes looking at her. Then, Santana's eyes grew hard and she asked, "How often have you been getting high?"

Not wanting to lie to Santana, but also not really wanting to tell the truth, Brittany shrugged.

"Brittany."

"Why does it even matter San?" Brittany asked with a frown. She could tell immediately that she wouldn't like the answer when Santana squinted her eyes.

"Because it's dangerous in large amounts Britt! It's obviously fucking with your mind- you've been more out of it than usual. And I don't buy the bullshit 'dumb blonde' front you give everyone else. Alright? That's not you. So don't even try that with me." Santana hissed, her eyes roaming, ever cautious of their surroundings. Brittany had almost forgotten that they had classmates sitting a few seats a way. "Why the fuck are you even doing it that often?"

"I just…need it, okay?" Brittany responded quickly, before cursing herself for not thinking first. Great, now she sounded like a freaking drug addict. Fantastic.

"You do not NEED it. Shit, B." Santana stared at her for a good minute before shaking her head and crossing her arms. "Okay, we can fix this. Alright? You'll just…stop. Okay? No more getting stoned or…whatever. Okay?"

Although not sure about why Santana was giving her this plan, Brittany nodded. At least Santana was talking to her. Sure. She could stop getting high. How hard could it be?

Not being stoned sucked. Like really, really bad. Brittany was pretty sure she might've actually had withdrawal symptoms, it was that bad. Of course, she slipped up every once and a while, but she always tried to get back on the bandwagon. She wasn't an addict after all- she could quit whenever she wanted.

The only thing that kept her going was the fact that Santana would give her small smiles and link their pinkies every time they saw each other. She followed pretty much was Santana did- she gave the same reason for giving Mr. Shue the song, hell she even agreed to go on a double (was it considered a double?) date with Finn of all people.

If possible, Brittany felt almost as out of it now as she did when she was getting high daily. Not to mention the fact that she craved the feeling of not feeling so badly that sometimes she even resorted to cutting to keep her promise to Santana. (Cutting didn't count. She didn't need it. She could stop whenever she wanted to…she just didn't want to.)

Reality really wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. She was still made fun of. She still didn't know the answer to the teacher's question. She was still a disappointment to her mother. She was still not loved by Santana (at least, not in the way she yearned for). The only difference was that now she once again saw all of it perfectly clearly, without the drug-induced haze shielding her from the sting of some of it.

She felt like a pathetic puppy, with a soundtrack provided by Madonna.

During break one day she even went out by Puck's dumpster just to see if it still smelled like pot. (It didn't, but it did smell like some other questionable activities.) He found her there sitting against a wall with her head in her hands, trying to tell herself that she hadn't been addicted. She hadn't. After all, that would make her an addict. And she wasn't. Period. "Hey Pierce, haven't seen your fine ass around here in a while. Here to toke up?"

Brittany looked up to see Puck smirking at her and offering her a joint already lit. Forcing herself to not even inhale the (heavenly) smell, Brittany shook her head. "Nah, trying to quit."

"Want something to take the edge off then?" Puck asked, his brow furrowing in- was that concern? "You seem…I dunno, off, dude. Here, this might help." Puck fumbled around in his pockets for a minute before pulling out a cigarette.

Brittany hesitated for a moment before reaching for it. After all, Santana herself was known to have an occasional cigar (of course, Brittany also knew that she only did it with her dad, and only once in a while). Plus, it's not like Brittany would get high. Right? Right. "Got a light?"

"For you sweet cheeks? Any time." Puck winked and lit the end with his Zippo. Brittany took in a large inhale and held it. "So…don't you think this Madonna assignment is pretty lame?"

"You know, we don't have to do this thing," Brittany responded, taking another drag. When it was just her and Puck, Brittany didn't feel a need to keep up her front. They talked for one reason and one reason only.

"What thing?" Puck asked in confusion.

"This small talk thing." Brittany responded easily.

"Can't a man try to talk up the girl who's been stealing all of his good stash?" Brittany shrugged in response, which apparently was the green light Puck was looking for to keep talking. "I was just asking cuz I heard Sue is crazy into Madonna too and wants all of her Cheerios to date a younger guy. Well, the Puckasaurus is offering up his services." Brittany stared incredulously at his "charming" grin.

"You're not younger than me," she finally responded.

"Sure I am; my birthday's before yours," he answered confidently. "Think about it babe; we'd be great. Plus, Sue's looking for a new head cheerleader- think about how good you'd look if you followed her crazy ass instructions."

Brittany did think about it as she continued to take drags, but she wasn't thinking about it for herself; Brittany knew that one of Santana's dreams was to be head cheerleader. The only reason the Latina had held back before had been because of Quinn, but now Quinn was pregnant (and way prettier) and off the squad. Did Santana know that Sue was looking for a head cheerleader? Brittany could practically see it now: Santana would do her cocky grin before she'd roll her eyes and give Brittany a genuine smile, so happy to have been given the position. But how could Brittany help Santana win Sue's favor?

Brittany frowned when she realized who would be the only guy that would impress Coach Sue- Finn Hudson, the (for some reason) glue of Glee club. And there was no way Finn would agree to go on a date with Santana after the Breadsticks fiasco. But he might agree to… Brittany actually felt physically ill at the thought of his gigantic Pillsbury Dough Boy hands being anywhere near Santana's body. (She hadn't been granted access to the Latina's body since before her slip up, which was far too long ago.)

A stick of gum and a day later, Brittany found herself talking with Santana in the hallway. She made up some shit about dating her sister's friend (like her sister had ever played soccer) in order to try and encourage Santana to find a younger guy. When Santana kept drawing up a blank, Brittany drew up every ounce of acting like a dumb blonde she had in her. She told Santana to sleep with Finn, that his birthday was three days before hers, and that Madonna would want it. Santana didn't call her out on her inaccuracies; instead, she smirked and walked towards Finn.

Brittany felt sick.

Brittany felt even more sick when Santana texted her a couple days later saying that she and Finn were on their way to a motel.

She wanted to use again, so badly. But she had made a promise to Santana. In order to try and fill the void, she called Puck up. Originally she just wanted to get a few cigs, or maybe some booze (Hell, she even just wanted an excuse to get out of her house. Katie had won an award at her science fair and grades were supposed to be mailed home tomorrow…needless to say, being around her mom wasn't so much fun at the moment). But somehow she found herself in his bedroom, his sloppy kisses reminding her every second how wrong it was for her to be there.

When his hand started to venture up her skirt, she pushed it away just as quickly. If HE saw the cuts, she'd have some explaining to do. So, she plastered on a fake smile and mumbled, "Clothes stay on."

When he tried to argue, she shimmied out of her underwear and reached for the condom on his bedside table.

Fifteen uncomfortable minutes later, Brittany finally got off of Puck. He gave her a lazy grin. "See, I knew we'd be great together. Why don't you come back here and-" Just then, Brittany's phone rang with her house ID. Holding up a finger to Puck, Brittany answered.

"Hello?"

"'Hello?' Brittany Susan Pierce, you know you're not supposed to be out of the house! Where are you? You should be studying! You can't imagine the fright I had when I walked into your room to find out if you thought you would be able to finish you homework to find you not there! Where-"

"I'm on my way home now, mom," Brittany mumbled, holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she slid her underwear back on.

"You're in so much trouble young lady! When I find out where you've been, you won't be allowed there again! Do you think this is helping your study habits? I can tell you-"

"Okay, I love you too. Be home soon," Brittany cut off, hanging up quickly. It's not like hanging up on her mom would change the end results. She'd still be grounded for life. Brittany turned to Puck and couldn't even make herself force a fake smile. "I have to go."

"Alright, see you later," he replied, not even bothering to get off the bed. He was already texting someone.

"Later," Brittany responded, before working her way out of the house. She was super glad that Ms. Puckerman was not home today. As she was walking home, Brittany felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and when she unlocked it she found a text from Santana.

"just got done w/ Finn. not so good but now i'll 4sure b head cheerleader :) ttyl B."

Brittany felt like her throat was closing, and she was very surprised when a drop of water fell on her screen. She reached up to her cheeks and realized she was crying. Gulping back more tears, she shakily typed out, "lol whatd you expect? :) Ttyl S, sleep tight." She pressed send with her thumb, while her heart felt like it was breaking. She was addicted…to Santana. And now she needed to quit.