AN: Wow. I just checked the reviews and I don't know what to say. I love you all, you are amazing. I hope you like this last chapter and I'm gonna see you all around! 3

Warnings: Established slash relationship (Leo/Usagi). Homophobia. Mention of depression. Depiction of violence. Making out and mention of smut (nothing explicit).

Summary: Some things need time to work out, but you realize that it's a good thing that Usagi is not a patient person.

PAPERTHIN

Chapter Four: Soaring, Burning

Casey doesn't text you again. The week passes without any noteable incidents; for once nobody is kidnapped or hurt on solo missions, and so your phone remains silent.

Usagi doesn't tell you what he did while he was out, and so you don't ask. He has boundaries. He is a kindred spirit: you both work better on your own terms; you understand. You don't pry. He wouldn't, either, and besides, you mind very little these days.

You are progressing, but you don't know where. Usagi's lips on yours: the blissfull hours before midnight, a spot of warmth on your shoulder. (Raph comments on it; you don't mind.) Usagi's lips against your throat: a shudder down your spine. You are hypersensitive these days, and every brush of fur against your skin makes you feel exposed. You are progressing, yes: but where are you going?

It's been two weeks since Usagi came back from his errand, and he is growing restless. He has to leave again soon: you know he has to. (Pretend it doesn't kill you a bit every time.) He misses the grass, the sky; he misses the road beneath his feet, you can hear it in his voice every time he compliments your bed. Some things never change: he was born a samurai, but for some reason it is his life as a ronin that seems to have made him whole. Who are you to keep it from him?

(Selfish.)

He is growing restless and you are still wound too tight. Something has to change or you both are going to combust one of these days. Go down in flames: it's so different from drowning. You are so very heavy and too tired to fight anymore. Maybe burning is the preferable way out. It will be so much quicker.

But he can't leave. He knows you too well: you are paperthin these days, you are ripping apart in the middle. Your center is showing: he makes you light, and Raph is a rock, he is amazing; but you are too heavy these days. They won't be able to catch you this time.

So he stays, and you continue to drag both of you down.

You are progressing, yes. But where are you going? His lips against your wrist: pleasure in the strangest places. The brush of fur against your skin makes you feel hyperexposed and vulnerable. This is bliss: a spot of warmth against your shoulder. He draws his knees to his chest and your left side is on fire, warm in all the ways that you are cold. When he huddles closer to you at night, you don't mind. (You mind very little these days.) His lips against your collar bone: a tingling sensation (you don't mind). But he is growing restless, and you are wound too tight.

"I need to leave soon," he tells Donatello one day. Their voices are hushed: why are you listening at the door? Your brother is a good listener: Usagi doesn't have to say anything for him to understand. And you know your friend like you know yourself. I need to leave soon: before someone gets hurt.

(You are hurting so much that you can't even feel it anymore.)

Two weeks, and April wants to catch up on recent events with you. Two weeks are a long stretch of silence between your family and her, although you don't mind; you mind very little these days. So she comes to the lair on Friday evening, and she brings movies and snacks and scrap electronics for Donatello.

She also brings Casey.

The silence is awkward. She knows: her eyes are defiant but downcast, her cheeks are too red. Casey's nose is still purple and green, impossible to ignore; his cheekbones are too prominent: he lost weight. You lost weight as well, although you don't mind: you have always been lean, it makes you fast, and besides, you mind very little these days. His eyes meet yours: a silent stare that burns you all the way down to the pits of your stomach, right to the center where something heavy and acidic is sitting lately. (Paperthin: your center is showing.) Splinter is upset; you can tell from the stillness that radiates from him. They all are: you can tell, and Casey can, too.

He knows your default setting. He's known it for almost three years now. He has just forgotten that he does.

(You have been gay for eightteen years. It was never something that needed to be discussed. It's not contagious, being gay: you didn't change, so why did he?)

Silence. But April wants to catch up, and she brought snacks; she means well. All eyes on you: what happens next? You don't mind. You mind very little these days, and so you all settle on the sofa. Casey picked the movie. You don't mind: his picks are always good, old-fashioned and reliable. He sits down in an armchair and Usagi sits down next to you, between your body and his: shielding you. (You are progressing, but where are you going?) Casey's eyes burn your skin where he looks at you. To go down in flames: much preferable to drowning. You are so cold that you don't even feel it anymore.

You can't concentrate on the movie, but you only notice when one hour has passed and the screen is paused for Don to use the loo.

Usagi shifts against you.

He is a kindred spirit: he knows you too well. You know him, too, or you thought you did; he is growing restless these days. You thought you were progressing, but now you realize that you are all but frozen to the spot while he tries in vain to warm you up: simple gestures, his lips against yours. You didn't mind. How laughable: you didn't mind that people got hurt because of you. He shields you, and Raph is amazing, but you were making yourself too heavy for them to catch you.

It was never their place. You need to catch yourself.

And now Usagi shifts against you, and you know that he just decided to leave.

It's all in the shoulders: you are but downward lines these days, too relaxed in your chair, and Casey is all angles, and in the meantime Usagi bends and breaks for you and you don't mind. (Selfish.) But that ends now. Your center is showing: you are paperthin for a better view, but you still have to show them where to look. Don likes Usagi well enough, Mikey's eyes are all soft: Raph winks at you over breakfast and Splinter just wants you to be happy. But what about you? Where are you going?

Your eyes are on Usagi's face only now that he stopped looking at you.

Shame on your face, burning your cheeks. It's not contagious after all: you only ever have your own shame to boot, and it's burning you now. Preferable to drowning: heat in the cold. Your eyes are on Usagi's face, your hand is on his; he's not looking at you. All this time he was trying so hard to pull you up, and you dragged him down instead.

You don't need Casey's approval, but you do need his acceptance. Friends are important: you can't split your family over something as selfish as your heart.

(You realize that you are not the one people are upset about.)

So you lean over to your right and place a chaste kiss on Usagi's cheek.

His attention is a scary thing: like you, he is usually occupied with several lines of thoughts at once. A kindred spirit. You feel light again; the brush of fur against your skin makes you feel exposed, but his presence makes you feel safe. And now you have startled him. All his attention is on you: eyes, ears, face, body, turning in your direction. His eyes on your face: he makes you light. It's a scary thing. But you could never be scared of him.

(It's fine.)

So you tug at his wrist, and bury your free hand in his clothes, and he comes willingly. This is bliss: his lips on yours, his hand on your neck, nails scraping over your shell. This is bliss: you deepen the kiss and he moans into your mouth. He was growing restless and you were wound so tight; this ends now, you end it now. You have caught yourself in freefall: you can catch him as well.

So you tug at his wrist again, pull him over, and he straddles your hips with his knees and breathes your name into your mouth. This is bliss: he is warm in all the ways you are not, and your whole body is on fire. This is bliss: his tongue against your lips and not one care in the world.

"Geez, just get a room already," Casey rumbles.

And just like that, it's fine.

Some things simply need time to work out, but Usagi is not a patient person and Casey already knew your default setting; he just had to be reminded. You break the kiss for air, gasping like a drowning man while laughter bubbles up in your chest: you are paperthin for a better view, but only now you finally allow the others to see your center. You are laughing so hard that you are shaking with the intensity of it. You are in hysterics: you snap, and so Usagi does, too, laughing until he is on the floor, wheezing for air. Raph throws a pillow at Casey, and Casey throws one back. April's eyes in the gloom of the TV: sparkling with joy. Splinter's tail, swishing the ground: he just wants you to be happy.

"I need to leave tomorrow," Usagi whispers into the crook of your neck after you have settled down again, and you kiss his forehead and tell him that you know.

That night, he huddles close to you and places a kiss on your collar bone and finally, finally you understand. You are burning now, burning and soaring, so you roll on top of him and brace your weight on your toes and elbows and kiss him so hard that he arches up against you in surprise. The brush of fur against your skin makes you feel hypersensitive and exposed, but he is allowed to see: he is a kindred spirit and besides, he feels the same.

For two weeks you have been drowning, but when he pulls you under tonight, it feels like flying instead.

~Fin