I hope I responded to everyone who sent me a review. I'm still figuring some of the features out on ffn. So if I didn't, I'm sorry and please know how much I appreciate every review, every favorite, and every alert I get. It gets me excited and makes me want to keep writing for all of you.

So, this is my longest chapter yet and here I thought it was going to be the shortest. I struggled a lot with this chapter. I not only want to keep writing for all my amazing readers but I want it to be good. Please let me know if I succeeded.

Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Twilight (books or movies) or anything else publicly recognizable in this chapter. I'm not SM.

This isn't right. None of this is going right. I wanted make out with a hot guy. I wanted to have deep, hot, intimate, straight out of the story books sex. I wanted love and sweetness and romance and kinky, food, and toys, sex while swinging from the ceiling. I wanted someone to take care of me who will let me take care of him without keeping track of who did what. I wanted to not fight over everything and every word and every little tone reading into it all assuming the worse.

I didn't want to be put in the position to even have to make a choice. I didn't want to be a divorcee with two kids in my thirties. How cliche. And for what? No guarantee of anything. No security, no friendship, no romance. And I sure as hell didn't want to be so emotionally wrapped up in something I hadn't even done! So I asked myself again, is this it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Why can't I just be stupid? One of the chicks who walks around basically happy because she doesn't know any better. Not like I do. Fuck me if I know anything at this point!

After everyone was fed, Becca rolled around on a blanket and Paul played with his trains. I sat down on the floor with my seldom used notebook come journal and tried my best to get my thoughts out on paper. I was scared to though. What if Jake found it? What if he read it? What if he actually understood it? Gasp! Concerned about a real conversation?

And I wasn't. I was simply sick and tired of all the "talks" Jake and I had had over the years:

The "you're a selfish lover" talk

The "you're a selfish person" talk

The "you never think of the family" talk

The "you're drinking too much again" talk

The "what do you want to do with your life" talk

The "I can't keep doing everything around here and get no help, appreciation, or respect" talk

The "don't talk to our son like that" talk

The "don't talk to me like that" talk

The "I need more than this" talk

They just kept repeating. Sometimes it was a few things at once. Sometimes it was none of the above and I just came up with shit on the fly because it really was just that easy to do. I was sick of being resentful and having these deep conversations loaded with "I'm sorry's" and "I understand" when he really had no fucking clue because I was positive he was not even listening half the time. He didn't listen to my screaming or crying. He didn't listen to our son crying about our fighting. The few times I had felt like he got me was when I had gone silent. For days I think. It of course was easier when we didn't have children to not to talk to him. But he seemed to get that I was really upset when I shut down. And although it would seem relaxing and almost numbing, it takes a lot of energy to stop caring. It's not like we only fought once or twice before marriage. Hell, we broke up several times during our years together. I even dated other guys. Guys my family loved. But I kept going back to Jake. Comfort maybe? Stupidity? It definitely wasn't the idea of true love. Even before we were married I knew he wasn't my true love. Not that I believed in that horse shit. I wished I did. Maybe I secretly did and that's why I read Austen. Wishing and hoping that someday I would find true, forever, love. I once met a 97 year old woman. She told me that despite being surrounded by people, she was incredibly lonely. She explained that her husband had died young, 48, and she had been alone ever since. I was saddened and shocked.

"You never remarried?"

"Didn't want to."

"But, what about dating? Did you ever date again?"

"Nope. When I lost my Fernando I that was it for me. I still miss him every day."

I almost didn't believe her. I wondered if she would have still felt that way if her Fernando lived to be 90. I thought about all those people who were married for 75 years and said they were truly happy and deeply in love. I wondered if I would ever find that. I knew I didn't have that with Jake, but I really couldn't imagine finding it anywhere else either. All men are the same more or less, right? If it did exist we couldn't only have one true love. I think it would be awful sad if we only got one chance at love. One perfect person we were meant to be with. So many of us would be screwed!

Fuck. I think so many of us already are.

I closed my notebook and tucked it into Becca's dresser. I liked to sit in her room sometimes and think. It was warm and dark and smelled like clean, powdery, baby. Years before the kids were born I would sit out on the front porch of whatever place Jake and I lived in at the time and smoke. He hated it so that was my dark, quiet place. Mostly I tried not to think. Thinking could lead to crying if you weren't careful. And years ago I did loads of that. And screaming. And punching. And throwing shit. I threw a lot of shit. Shoes were a favorite of mine, but I'd settle for anything close by.

Much like I should not have based my sexual satisfaction on what Rosalie told me, I definitely should not have based my romantic relationships on Renee's two cents. To say she didn't have a fucking clue was putting it mildly. She left my father when I was a baby and moved us a hundred miles away. The food she brought home from dates lasted longer than the men did. Some children would just be forced to grow up. In some ways we all did. Rose and I took turns cooking and cleaning, Jasper got a job when he was 12 on the farms and helped out with bills. We got ourselves to school and even did really well (not Rosalie so much.) And when I wasn't doing those adult things, I was acting like a tantrum-throwing, spoiled toddler with behavior that spilled into adulthood.

Despite the fact that she was a pretty lousy parent, I still went to Renee when I was hurt or upset. When I was younger she liked to think we were girlfriends which sucked. There are things that I just did NOT need to know about my mother. But when I was older it had it's benefits. I was always kind of surprised at her advice but in some ways I think she was trying to make up for all the uncertainty my siblings and I grew up with. Trying to help me become "stable" and less like her.

Looking back though, I think she just said whatever she thought I wanted to hear. Renee wasn't exactly practical so she never really instilled the need for security (emotional or financial) from a relationship. I didn't know exactly how a healthy one worked so when she would remind me that he was a good man and he was really cute and he dealt with my crazy, I thought that's all I needed. I'm not stupid, but I thought that we had passion and I thought he really "got me." It's surprising how many people mistake violent screaming matches for passion and crippling abandonment issues as understanding and connectedness.

It's not that I didn't love Jake. I did. But not having a healthy marriage modeled for me I really had no idea what I was doing. Our issues kind of spiraled out of control before we even got married. We broke up at least three or four times and I was convinced it was over. But somehow Jake did a total turnaround and convinced me that all the times he had disappointed me, all the times he put himself first, all of his lazy, selfish ways were in the past. And for a while, he kept up his end. By then we had already been together for four years and I had invested so much time and energy I figured marriage was the next step. Besides, I was in my mid-twenties and I wanted a ring and a house and babies before thirty.

Because those are all really good reasons to get married. And I seriously didn't think I had self esteem issues? "If I can't fix me, I'll fix someone else!"

Eek, I'm even a bitch to myself. So all my issues aside, I was still a total mess and comparatively Jake's problems were minor. Had I been out with that many losers? I thought about the guy who took me to T.G.I. Friday's for a date and then left me for twenty minutes when he saw some of his buddies across the bar. Aaron? Eric? And in a sense, I guess I figured this was as good as it gets. And truth be told, he did get better. Way better after our son was born (if that says anything about how he was before.)

Hell, even Rose came around. She was far from a fan of Jake and always felt I could have done so much better. I mostly just attributed it to her own marriage misery. Despite Jake's earlier family reluctance he came around and opened himself to my very overwhelming and somewhat bitchy family. At twenty-something, I thought that made him marriage material. Rolling my eyes here! Whatever happened to arranged marriages? I only learned later on that our mother did have some common sense and maybe even a touch of maternal instinct. She had warned Rosalie that either she get on board with my marriage to Jake or she risked losing me as a sister.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if my sister pushed me more. Really made me examine what I wanted and what I thought I deserved. I probably shouldn't complain though. I've talked to other women who are impressed with how much Jake takes care of the kids. And that he says sorry. And that he knows when he fucked up and can admit it. Later on when Rose and I became closer and she stopped trying to control my life one of the things we often talked about were our idiot husbands and the stupid things they did. She would be especially surprised when I would tell her how Jake would later come to me and admit that he was wrong. He didn't always know why, but I suspected most men didn't. Who gives a shit though when he keeps doing it over and over again? But mostly I think I continued to defend him because otherwise being with him despite all the red flags and warnings would make me a fool. The last thing I wanted to do was prove Rose right. She already thought she knew everything about everything.

In my usual fashion, I called down to Jake to let him know I was putting the kids to bed. He came up to say goodnight to the children giving hugs and kisses and riling them up just before they needed to sleep as was per his usual fashion. Since I was speaking to him, he assumed everything was fine and I didn't have the energy to correct him. I let him kiss me on the cheek and told him my throat was feeling sore.

"Want to go watch a movie?" He asked as he air humped me from behind. Sexy.

"Um, I was going to do some more job searches. There's not a whole lot out there for a Masters degree in comparative literature, but I'll take anything at this point."

Jake nodded.

"Yeah well, you still have all those student loans to pay."

My stupid loans were a constant bone of contention between us. It's not that I didn't want to work; I was really proud of my education; but we had decided together that I wouldn't work out of the house when we had small children. I'm positive he didn't expect to be out of work so often but with no degree and the shit economy, it just happened. I knew that wasn't the whole of it, but again, something we had fought over so often that it wasn't worth even thinking about.

"Right, well, I'm trying."

"Yeah, I know. It just sucks. I also put away the folded laundry so you know."

And with that he left me alone in the office. See? Not a bad guy. Oh My God! I can't possibly be happy with that? He's been home all goddamn day and the most he can do is the dishes and put some clothes away? He didn't even fold the fuckers! I did that!

I had to stop thinking like that. I doubted that any other man would be any different. They are all the same and even Hottie McAbLick would become inattentive and jiggly once the chase was over. Ooooh, I should test that theory.

But I was determined not to fall into the stupid trap of giving in so easily. I deserved better. I believed that now. I had worked hard to become a person I was really proud to be. And, if there were any chance in hell anything ever did happen, my children deserved better. He wasn't going to have to work for just my affection, he was going to have impress the hell out of me just to get my attention. Okay, he had my attention. But he didn't know how much of my attention he was already taking up and I would be damned if fucked myself over for someone who wasn't worth it.

Fuck this. I'm going to bed.

Jake was still on the computer with a new beer when I got downstairs. "I'm just going to go to bed. I had a long day."

"Okay. Love you." He didn't even look up at me. I shut the bedroom door and put on fleecy pajama bottoms and a long sleeved shirt. No sense in even inviting temptation. I was strictly going to sleep. Well, maybe not just yet.

I listened as Jake put on some war movie or something in the other room. It was loud and there were explosions. I turned on our flat screen at the end of our bed and turned the volume way down. I went to my dresser and pulled out my new favorite vibrator. It went through batteries in one use but it was powerful as all get out. Although part of me wanted to indulge in a long, drawn out session of fantasy, I really just needed to get off and get some sleep.

I laid down and pulled the covers up over me. Jake was never a fan of anything extra in the bedroom. He felt like he should be able to do it all. The times I had tried he made it awkward and uncomfortable. So while I fantasized about wild and crazy sex, I think I was still a prude. Maybe it was just Jake. I shimmied out of my pants but kept them close by in case Jake popped in. I bent my knees and opened my legs thinking this was the position Edward had me in earlier today. I recalled his hot breath on my neck as I turned the vibrator on to a gentle buzz. I lowered it to my clit still covered by my panties. Even if I didn't plan on making this an hour long process, I still liked to start off slow. Something Jake had no clue about.

As I started to feel the tingle, I moved my other hand to my belly and lightly tickled under my shirt. I imagined Edward's hands on me. His long fingers playing with edge of the band. I lifted it slightly and slid my hand down. I brought my panties down my legs, Edward's eyes, his excitement as he saw me naked for the first time.

My breathing increased and I knew his would match my own. He would expect nothing from me. This would be all about my enjoyment. I increased the speed of the humming vibrator as my hands, Edward's hands explored. I spread my legs further and before I even touched myself with my bare hands I could feel the wetness sliding down towards the bed. I pushed on the buzzing instrument pressing it harder to my now exposed nub. My legs began to shake. Edward circled his long fingers around my wet lips, not entering me and driving me insane. With two fingers in he began stretching me, spreading me open to him. His thick eyelashes fluttering against my cheek as hovered so close to me. I moaned softly as he felt my body slick and warm, contracting around his fingers. I lifted my hips and began to rock. Deeper he pushed in, finding...that...little...spot... "

Oh, oh God, uh, uh, ooohhh Edward!" I whimpered out in a quiet whisper. My whole body shuddered and I pushed out shallow little pants. Oh. Holy. Fuck. If it's anything like my fantasy, I'll totally risk it.

Maybe I wouldn't be such a bitch if I good orgasm now and again. I was getting very efficient at it as I had resorted to getting myself off pretty much every time. Even when Jake and I had sex, he would touch me for a little bit, but his touch was aggressive and fumbling like a teenage boy in his parent's basement. I would try and direct him in all the sexy ways Cosmo says to- "Baby, I love it when you touch me soft and slow," breathy and sex kitten-like. He didn't listen. Ever. I would get frustrated and stop him only for him to turn and blame me. And if we did manage to have sex he would practically shove his dick in whether I was ready or not. A couple of pumps and he was done. I didn't even fake it anymore. He would tell me that he owed me and jump up to shower. I'm going to pretend it was at least better than this when we were first dating. Otherwise, I'm a total moron.

I cleaned up and tucked everything away. Jake would probably be too drunk to get it up anyway. I had to go to sleep and hopefully my dreams would give me some answers. Oh God, please don't let me talk in my sleep. Like it matters? Fuck nut doesn't sleep, he passes out.

When I woke up the next morning I smiled and stretched, feeling totally satisfied. The kids were still asleep and I wanted to fully immerse myself back in my dreams of Edward's bright eyes framed by his dark eyebrows, running his beautiful hands through his fucking sexy crazy hair. He was smiling as he listened to me talk about who the fuck knows what. I just know he was interested in what I was saying and it felt fuckawesome.

Then Jake farted and rolled over. Gross. I got up to remove myself from the stink of sleep and beer and man.

They are all the same. They are all the same. I repeated my mantra in my head. Still, I turned on my cell. I knew it wasn't right. I knew as I keyed in the letters that this was so wrong in so many ways and despite what I had said, I was encouraging him. It was 6:30 so I doubted he'd be awake. He probably didn't have to be to work until later and with no children why the hell would he be up?

How did you get my number stalker? -B

I set my phone down to make my coffee. My phone beeped seconds later and my stomach started fluttering like mad. I tried to tell myself it was an email so as not to get too excited. It didn't work.

The gym's computer isn't exactly secure. -E

Should I be flattered or scared? You did find me at that bar. -B

I didn't follow you if that's what you mean. I just happened to be in the neighborhood when I saw you and your friend go in. -E

You know that's kind of creepy right? You really expect me to believe you just happened to be there? Same time same place sort of thing? -B

I knew you were upset after you left the gym. I was worried. It was my fault. -E

My coffee was nearly ready and I was almost scared to type in my next words. I wasn't scared of his answer though. I think I was more worried that he would be worried that he freaked me out and I wouldn't see him again. His intentions were only announced yesterday but I had been lighter and more relaxed since I started training with him. It didn't really matter what his answer was, I wanted to see him again.

So you did follow me? -B

How can I express a big reluctant sigh via text? Yes. I'm sorry. Again. I care about you. -E

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I guess it wasn't impossible. We had spent a lot of time together and in that time we had talked about many intimate details, mostly I did, but could he really care about me? Could it be anything more than silly infatuation with a woman he figured was unattainable?

Love at first sight and all that shit right? Not that I think I ever believed in it, but I sure as hell didn't now. That's why I read romance novels. At least it gave me something to dream about. Mostly I was becoming bitter and cynical as shit though.

A few weeks ago I had met Jess for lunch at her work. She pointed out a couple having lunch.

"They work in my department," she whispered, "keep going."

When we sat down she glanced back towards the pair who looked to be in their mid fifties. "They're married. They work together, not just same building, same accounts, they commute here and home together, and they eat lunch, just the two of them every single fucking day."

"What the fuck?" I was so disturbed by this idea.

"Right? People are so fucking weird."

"That's not love. That's hardcore co-dependence."

I wanted to ask him what he could possibly know about me other than the fact that I had two children I adored, a useless degree, and a husband I was constantly bashing? Did he just want to fix me the way I thought I could fix Jake? Did he think that I was deep and brooding and mysterious? Didn't he know I was just an ungrateful, whiny bitch hell-bent on destroying a relationship that was just fine?

Really? Woe is me? I picked this path! There was, Ted? Tom? What the fuck was his name? Why can't I remember anyone's goddamn name? I'm not that old! Clearly they all meant so much to me. He had a house, great job, loving family, education...but I'm sorry, what was wrong with him? Oh yeah, I didn't want to see him naked. Oh, and he wore tight black jeans and big ass work boots. And it was not a good look on him. Am I that shallow? Apparently.

Aren't there colleges and bars for you to go to instead? -B

I'm not that young. You might not believe it but I went to college and not DeVry or U of Phoenix. Haha. And I met plenty of empty drunk girls in both places. I'm past that. Not what I want. -E

Deflect, deflect, deflect. I'm not ready for this.

What are you doing up so early? - B

I'll let it go. I'm always up. It's a weekday and I have work at ten. Should I sleep till 9:30? LOL

Was he lying? Was this something I had bitched about Jake? Fuck. Is he playing me or is this the real him? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Okay, I'm going to do it. And walking right into it while holding my breath...

What do you want? - B

And I was willing to let it go for longer than 30 sec. too. -E

Oh God, he was playing with me. Messing with my head and probably enjoying it too. Fucker! Where is my damn coffee. And why the hell are the kids still sleeping? I need an excuse to walk away and be put out of my misery! And then the little ding sounded again.

A quick lay from a woman I KNOW puts out! I've seen the proof! -E

Now it was my turn.

Good bye- B

More than a minute went by without another text. My heart sank a little bit. I was just kidding. Kind of. He must know that. When the tone sounded I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

It's you. Your happiness. You know that. I don't want to wreck your marriage but I don't think I am. I want you to be happy. I don't know if I can be the 1 to do that, but it's worth a shot. -E

I stood alone in my kitchen and tucked my head to hide the very prevalent school-girl blush. So young. I doubt he'd ever been in a serious relationship. The way he talked or rather, didn't talk about anyone special led me to believe that. I turned on the news and listened to the familiar sound of tiny feet running across the floor. I had to snap out of my revelry. The real world was waking up around me. I thought about how ridiculous this whole situation was. I am married! I have no right to do this to Jake or my children. No right to happiness? Not like this. And what's happiness anyway? A constant feeling? Fleeting moments? Fuck, this is too deep for right now. My head was starting to hurt from rolling my eyes so much.

Not doing this over text. See you at usual time and place. -B

I sent one more text and then turned off my phone again forcing myself to wipe off the shit eating grin. Deep breaths. Act normal. Fuck it. He'll be asleep till we get home from the gym.

I had agreed to see him again. I wanted to. I wanted to see him and talk about the possibilities. But I wasn't about to change our routine. If I did what he asked I ran the risk of giving in too soon. AT ALL! I MEAN, AT ALL!