Chapter 4 - Time Goes By Slowly
EPOV
I shut the book closed in ffrustration; I had read this book over and over.
I knew every word, and yet I still couldn't see her interest in this book.
I was slowly losing my mind.
She was all that I could think about. Bella.
Six years of purgatory, six years alone. Without her.
For the past six years, I was numb. I never went to school, and barely left the house, even to hunt. Despite Jasper and Emmett's best efforts, I just didn't function properly. Hunting was something I did when I profoundly couldn't avoid it. I thirsted, welcoming the pain of my burning throat. It was a way to punish myself for the unforgivable crime that I committed against my love. Leaving her.
The pain was a constant reminder of what a monster like me deserved.
I had, pretty much, spent my time lying on the floor of my new bedroom staring into space or reading 'Wuthering Heights' on the flat of my back.
Of course Alice and the others tried to get me up and back to normal, but after constant silence from me or me snapping at them, they decided to just leave me alone. I was aware of their sorrow, but I couldn't bring myself to comfort them. I was a selfish creature.
Alice sometimes came to share her visions with me, even though I had already seen it through her mind. Emmett sometimes challenged me to a fight-match, already knowing my answer.
Esme was constantly worrying. I felt horrible to be causing her pain, but I was in no state to even try to hide my agony convincingly.
I just didn't feel like doing anything anymore. Rosalie thought I was being over dramatic, but she did visit. I knew that she was also worried but she would never admit that.
Carlisle had regularly asked me if I'd made the right decision by leaving her, but I stood by my decision and stayed away from Bella. It was the hardest decision of my life.
About two years before, I couldn't handle it anymore. I went to check up on her. When I arrived in Forks, I discovered that she wasn't there. Just being in the place made my soul ache. So many memories. So I left as soon as I could. She had graduated to God knows where, and I wasn't sure I wanted to find out, even though I could have easily. It was for her own good.
I was worried that even though I told her to move on, that she really had.
She might have forgotten me. These thoughts ran over and over through my mind as I ran across the country back to my family. I returned home disappointed and more depressed than before.
It almost broke Esme's heart to see me so sad and defeated. I didn't go to find her, I told myself to leave her alone. She was better of without me.
I was a monster.
My mind raced back to where I was, I could here a quick, skipping sound coming up the stairs. Alice.
Seconds later, she burst into the room.
"Hey. You. I'm sick of this Edward. It's been over six years! Come on! It was your decision. Now put up with it. We are all in on this. We are starting fresh and you're coming. Carlisle wants to go back to England and catch up with Alistair, and whether you like it or not, losing Bella took its toll on all of us. Even Rose agrees. We are leaving for London tomorrow. So get up and move it." She ordered slightly contented with herself. I hadn't seen her so Alice-like in centuries, or so it felt like.
I remained speechless as she stormed out of the room. I remained still on the floor as I watched her speed into her bedroom.
This was the first time that any of my family members had spoken to me without caution or reserve since we left Forks.
I got my act together and packed up my belongings. I realized that it wasn't fair to Carlisle if I didn't go. I wouldn't be the reason for causing more unhappiness within my family. I wasn't being fair.
Alice was right. I knew that I needed a fresh start, and I hadn't been to London for decades so I held a mild interest for Carlisle's sake.
We arrived in London late the next evening, and we settled into the house in good time. This house had been my favourite of all of the Cullen residences. That is, before I met Bella. From then on, my only home was in Forks. Every other house was just a house and they felt empty. But Forks was my home.
I unpacked all of my belongings into the house slowly. Alice went on a shopping spree, as per tradition each time we moved location. She had the excuse of the weather difference and the European style which allowed her really let loose. She left the house in excitement. When she returned she only had a few bags of clothing. She wouldn't say it out loud, but the reason she only bought the basics was because, ever since we left Forks and she lost her best friend, shopping didn't appeal to her as it once did. She had barely bought the necessary clothes.
She missed Bella and shopping wasn't the same without her, I understood her pain. This saddened me deeply, I had torn apart my family and it was extremely unfair to Esme. I decided to make a bigger effort. When we met downstairs in the Dining Room, for a family meeting, they were all shocked to see me attend. They all tried to hide their surprise but I could see through their facades.
They usually just told me afterwards what they had decided after each meeting. I sat at my usual place and Carlisle announced that the cars had arrived and went through the basic settling-in routine. I tried my best to hold interest and hide my frown, which had taken permanent residence on my expression for 6 years.
Alice had decided to do another fashion design course, this time, in London fashion. Jasper wanted to go to Oxford to study psychology again, and Rosalie wanted to take it easy and modify the two new cars for the moment. Then it came to Emmett, he considered the options slowly. As per usual for Emmett. I expected him to just choose the same path as Rosalie so I didn't think much into it.
He cleared his throat. "Carlisle, I wanna be a doc," he spoke confidently.
"Well son – "
"What? Why?" Rosalie's astonishment was extremely visible and her expression hinted at irritation."
"It's a long story babe. But I wanna do this. I wanna follow in Carlisle's footsteps and all that." He winked at Carlisle.
He and Carlisle discussed the matter further, with any input from me. I was just waiting and waiting until this meeting was over and I could go to my room.
We all already knew that he had the qualifications in medical school from the 70s. Apparently he wanted to "give it a go", as he put it.
But as he announced this; he thought: Edward you know that I'm not the biggest fan of medicine and all that nurses and doctors stuff. It's okay I s'pose… but you like that kinda thing so if I'm gonna do this - so are you. I mean, come on man, it it's time you either go back to Bella or move on dude. This is your chance. You're gonna do this too, I'm not doin' it alone and it's for you who I'm freakin' doin it! Rose agrees so, come on. He stared at my direction as he silently communicated with me.
Carlisle smiled proudly. "If that's what you really want Emmett, then I would gladly have you at the hospital." Emmett smirked smugly and announced
"Edward's doing it too, so I thought I'd give him a hand." The whole table faced me suddenly. I didn't know how to reply. I definitely wasn't going back to high school; it was too familiar and too soon. This wouldn't be so bad.
I had to make an effort so I smiled for the first time in months.
"Yeah why not?" I forced a smile. Alice beamed and Esme looked satisfied.
"Edward, thank you for doing this. It'll be good for you. Wait and see my son." Carlisle was to make all the arrangements. When we had spoken a little more, the meeting ended and we departed from the room.
I decided to go for a run to try and clear my head, even though I knew that it was no use.
The next morning, when I returned. Alice was more chirpy and irritatingly happy than usual, which only fueled my reluctance to go back to work, but it had to be done.
I searched her thoughts to find the cause of such a mood but she was blocking me by translating the Latin bible into Swedish. Shock ran though my body. She hadn't blocked me for years.
Nevertheless, we headed to the hospital and Alice took her new mini to the College of Design and Art and she gave Jasper a ride to Oxford.
I took the new Lexus to work with Emmett, and Carlisle went in the Mercedes. Emmett kept the conversation going while I drove and thought about how I would go back to normal without Bella. This was going to be a long day, so I tried to keep my thoughts busy. I tried figure out why Alice had blocked me out this morning. I drew a blank.
A/N: Sorry about the short chapter again guys. All of your reviews convinced me to post this chapter so soon. Thank you all for your lovely reviews. And if there's any questions or mistakes, feel free to let me know. The more feedback I get, the more I'll write and tweak the story. I'm wondering if anyone wants to be my beta but I dont really know how to set that up. So if you are interested let me know also.
TTyl xxxx