A big thank you to those who have favorited, followed or commented on this story. I promise I am going somewhere with this and I have my reasons for putting Clarke through everything I have. Please enjoy.
She is freezing when she next wakes. She can feel rain drops hitting her with force and the wind whipping around her prone body. She can hear the crack and rumble of thunder and, every so often, she can see a flash of light through the closed lids of her eyes. When she opens them, she finds herself precariously close to the edge of the cliff and a thought crosses through her mind that she should probably move back. She is unable to detect any sense of urgency though as she lazily moves away from the ledge.
She is unable to tell if the lack of fear or urgency regarding her own safety is a product of the fact she is soaking wet and frozen or if it has more to do with the brokenness she feels inside. She feels as though she has fallen into an abyss that is so deep and so dark that she will never be able to find her way out of it. And she thinks that perhaps she does not deserve to.
Seeing the fires in the distance; knowing that the people of Mount Weather were being turned to ash and finally being allowed to go home, as she had put it to Monty; had been her tipping point. The knowledge that he had followed through on what she had told him had been the last straw and she could no longer deny all that she had done. Those fires had blazed because Monty had done what she had asked of him. And she had had to ask him to do so because she had killed all those people. She knew that she did it to save her people, her friends, her mother, but that no longer seemed like a legitimate reason to end the lives of an entire civilization.
Every decision she had made since arriving on the ground had been made to try and keep the 100 alive and safe. She had made those decisions with what knowledge she had at the time and she wonders if she would make the same choices again if she had the chance to go back. She had mostly gone on instinct and desperation and the need to protect everyone. In the end though, to protect those she cared about, she had killed so many people. She had wanted to be like her father and help everyone only to end up like those that had killed him.
Her father had been everything she wanted to be. He was loving and kind and smart and loved to laugh. He was also the kind of person that believed everyone should know the truth, not just the few. He was the kind of man that believed in the people, that they would do the right thing and come together to help everyone. He was the kind of person who believed so strongly in his convictions and his love for his family that he was willing to die to do what he thought was right.
Her father had been willing to lose his life to try and help people, and she became the kind of person who took lives to try and help people. She thinks that he must be so disappointed in her. That if she were to ever see him again, that he wouldn't even be able to look at her. She was nothing like the daughter that he had raised. She had changed so much in so little time and she hates what she has become.
She remembers telling Finn that what they had done to survive didn't define them. She now shares his fear that she might have been wrong, that what they had done is who they now are. There is a small whisper of hope in the back of her mind that that isn't the case, but it is a very quiet whisper and hard to hear.
She wonders how she got to be the person who made the choices that she had and she thinks it started all the way back to the day on the Arc when she watched her father be floated. He had hugged her and told her he loved her and all she could think was that she didn't deserve to hear those words because it was her fault. She didn't deserve to still have his love when he was about to die because of her.
She had spent a year hating Wells because she believed he was the one who told Jaha about her father's plans. She spent a year hating him because of his supposed betrayal. She spent a year hating him because she believed he was the reason she lost her father as well as her best friend. But more than she hated Wells for all those things, she hated herself. She was the one who trusted him. She was the one who told him. She had believed she was the one who got her father killed.
Finn had been close when he had told her that he thought she was trying so hard to save everyone because she hadn't been able to save her father. The truth was she had been trying so hard because she had felt that she had his death to make up for. She had tried so hard because she wanted to earn his forgiveness. She had tried so hard because she had wanted to be like her father.
She is nothing like her father though, at least not anymore. He had trusted in the people, and as she found out from her mother, he had been right. She trusted the wrong person and because of that she had been responsible for the deaths of hundreds. She had so much blood on her hands and the fact that she had rescued her friends would not be able to wash it away.
Something hits her as she lies on the ground and her eyes open to see a branch from a tree lying across her torso. She manages to push it off her and when she does she is greeted with the sight of Finn standing before her. He looks much like he did when he haunted her after his death and he offers her no words now just as he did then.
She had quoted Lexa to his ghost, telling him that love was weakness, and pushed her feelings for him down to where she thought she wouldn't have to face them again. She had been naïve then to think that she could so easily turn her back on her emotions. She had even called Lexa out. She had been the one to back Lexa into a table while stating that Lexa stilled cared despite the act she put on to show otherwise. She should have known then that he would come back for her but she had still been trying to deny her own emotions.
He looked down at her now with a look that seemed to mean, "Look where you are now."
"I should have listened to you back then, when you warned me about the path we were heading down," she said aloud to him, her voice even more raw and raspy than usual.
His expression doesn't change, she watches as he merely tilts his head to the side. She wonders if it really would have mattered though. She wonders if she would have been able to broker a truce between them and the Grounders earlier on. It hadn't gone well the first time and with what it had taken in order to create an alliance with them in the end, she doubts it could have been done.
Perhaps if they hadn't tried to fight, if they had simply tried to leave and go somewhere else, maybe things could have been different then. But there is no way for her to know that they would have been any better off. They could have come across another clan of Grounders and been killed by them or they could have slowly died from weather conditions or natural predators or starvation. There were far too many what ifs to really be certain.
Finn turns his head away from her then and looks towards the trees. When she follows his gaze she sees Maya standing in the tree line. She looks as she did in the beginning, not at the end. There are no signs of the radiation burns covering her skin and Clarke can almost pretend that she hadn't actually pulled the lever; that it had only be some sick nightmare and she had finally woken up. But she knows that it isn't true because Maya would not be able to survive the ground without a suit.
As Clarke continues to stare at Maya the burns start to appear on her skin, spreading quickly until she looks as she did when Clarke had last seen her, lying in Jasper's arms. She makes no sounds as it happens and no look of anguish or pain is seen on her face. She simply stares at Clarke with an accusing look and Clarke is unable to look away. She knows it is her fault, that she killed Maya and that she deserves to be accused. Clarke tries to tell Maya that she is sorry, but her voice is weak and it is easily carried away on the wind.
Maya simply stares at her for a few seconds longer before turning away from Clarke and walking farther into the trees. Clarke again tries to apologize but the wind only blows harder and sweeps her words away. She looks back to Finn for help only to see him looking down at his chest as the stain of blood begins to grow from where she had stabbed him. His head rises so that his eyes once again meet hers and the accusation in them can be clearly seen. He, too, then turns from her and starts walking away towards the trees.
She tries to go after them both but her muscles and joints are frozen and refuse to obey. It takes her minutes before she is able to get to her hands and knees. It takes even longer till she is standing unsteadily. She finds she is unable to take a step and resorts to shuffling her feet forward. Her progress is slow and clumsy and she falls to her knees repeatedly. Each time she manages to get back on her feet though, and continues to move forward.
It seems to take her hours before she makes it to the first tree and she leans against it to rest. She searches the woods ahead of her, looking to see where Finn and Maya may have gone. She finds them about 20 yards farther in, standing together and once again staring at her. The burns still marring Maya's skin and the blood still seeping from Finn's chest. As one, they turned and continued walking down the mountain and away from her.
Clarke takes her weight back from the tree she had been leaning against and starts after them. Her progress continues to be unsteady but she is able to stay on her feet by using the trees for support. She tries to find Finn and Maya again and notices that they are getting farther away from her. She tries to quicken her pace but trips on the uneven ground and is sent hard to the ground. As she falls she manages to get her arms in front of her and her head hits them instead of the rock below her.
In that moment, all she wants is to just give up. She doesn't want to keep trying. She doesn't want to keep moving. She doesn't want to keep fighting. She doesn't want to keep caring. She doesn't want to keep making choices. She doesn't want to do anything but lie there and let everything fade away around her. But ever since the day her dad was taken away and killed, what she wants doesn't really seem to matter. So she pushes her body back up until she is on her feet again and she continues forward.
She tries to concentrate on where she places her feet and which trees and branches she holds onto while continually searching for Finn and Maya in amongst the trees below her. She makes it to where she thinks she last saw Finn and Maya and takes a moment to scan the woods for them. She is unable to see any sign of them but knows that she has to keep going.
With her next step her foot is sliding along the muddy ground and then she is falling through the air. She doesn't fall far, maybe only five feet, but she lands hard on her right wrist and hears something snap. She feels the pain cut through her like a sharp knife and feels a wave of nausea hit her with force. As the contents of her stomach spill onto the earth, the pain drags her into the darkness.
When the darkness releases its hold on her she awakens to pain and coldness. The rain still continues to fall and the wind continues to blow; the storm unyielding overhead.
Clarke manages to roll over onto her back and cradles her right wrist to her body. She is sure that it is broken but knows she has to check and be sure. She had enough light to guide herself through the trees but not enough to thoroughly inspect her wrist and the quick flashes of illumination from the lightening are also inadequate.
With only one other option she uses her left hand and tries to gently check her injured wrist but pain shoots up her arm with each probe from her fingers and the slightest amount of pressure. She is in a great deal of pain when she finally finishes but she was able to find the point of the break where it had punctured through her skin. Knowing that she couldn't leave her wrist as it was she tried to think of a way to reset the bones.
Soon she is squirming through the mud towards a pair of trees that had grown out of the ground very close together. Once she reaches the trees she moves herself so that she is on one side of the first tree and the second tree is on the other. She turns herself so that her right side is against the tree and then she slowly moves her right arm between the two trees. She places her arm so that the tree is sitting in the crook of her elbow and then lowers it until it is securely wedged between the two trees.
The pain caused by placing her arm between the trees is immense and she isn't sure if she is actually going to be able to continue. She takes a few minutes to try and calm her breathing and to try and work up the courage to do what she has to do. Once she feels that she is as ready as she is going to be, she takes a hold of her right hand with her left and braces her body against the tree.
She hesitates only a few more seconds, takes one last breath, and then pulls with all her strength and pushes the bones back to where they are supposed to be. A scream bursts from her lips only to be swallowed by a crack of thunder and a flash of light bursts before her eyes as the pain that is ripping through her, once again drags her into the darkness.
She awoke to find the storm still raging but it was slightly easier to see her surroundings and she wondered if the sun had risen behind the clouds. Pain still pulsed from her arm though it had lessened from what it had been and she was still soaked and cold from the rain.
She was actually able to see her arm in the gloom now and saw that blood still seeped from the point where her bone had pierced through it. Trying not to cause more damage, she slowly worked her arm free from between the two trees and brought it to her front. With her left hand she tore at her shirt until she had a piece of fabric large enough to wrap around the wound. She did so and felt the sting of pain as she pulled it tight.
With the wound covered she began to search her surroundings for a few branches to splint her arm with. She found three that would work and broke one in half to make four in total. She ripped three buckles from her boots and used them to secure the four pieces of wood to her arm to ensure it wouldn't move. She then tucked her hand and secured it under the strap of her jacket to keep her arm up and out of the way.
Exhausted from her efforts, she slide partway down the tree until she was more comfortable and closed her eyes. Behind her lids played the images of blood and sickness and pain and her need to hide from them was more powerful than her need to rest. Her eyes opened and she blinked several times in an attempt to wipe the images from her mind. Once her blinking subsided however, her gaze locked onto a presence standing above her.
Charlotte stared down at her from where she had fallen. Her eyes haunted and scared, much as they had been when Clarke had last seen them.
Where Clarke had sought after Finn and Maya, she did not want to face Charlotte. She didn't know how to deal with her ghost and needed to be away from it. So in an attempt to escape the haunted eyes of the child Clarke scrambled to her feet and tried to run. Almost immediately she tripped over a tree root and crashed back into the earth, luckily landing on her left side and not reinjuring her broken wrist.
She tried to get back to her feet but the mud that covered the ground was almost making it impossible. Her feet and her left hand kept sliding out from under her and she landed on her bad wrist a few times, sending pain shooting up her arm. She managed to get steadily on her hand and knees and was about to try to get to her feet when she saw a pair of feet out of the corner of her eye.
Though she was afraid to see who the feet belonged to, she looked over anyway and saw that Charlotte was now right beside her. The look in her eyes was that much stronger up close and Clarke actually shrunk away from it. She moved away from Charlotte and found a tree to use to get herself on her feet, her eyes never once leaving Charlotte's.
Once on her feet she finally turned her head away from the image of Charlotte, a few feet from her, only to see her now, right beside the tree that she clung to. Upon seeing her so close Clarke began to back away from her yet again. A few feet back and Clarke slipped in the mud again and fell, her back hitting a tree behind her on her way down.
Charlotte did not move from where she stood but the accusations in her eyes seemed to reach out and try to strangle Clarke where she sat. Not knowing what else to do Clarke could only think of escape. She managed to work her way up the tree behind her and turned and ran.
She was only able to run for a short time though, her body and muscles protesting against the exertion. However, she was unable to stop moving because every time she looked behind her she could see Charlotte only feet away from where she was. So Clarke kept moving, bumping into trees and pushing her way through low branches, falling occasionally but returning to her feet so that Charlotte could not catch up to her.
Clarke stopped for nothing for the rest of the day, the only thing on her mind being the need to get away from Charlotte. Charlotte who was always a few feet from her whenever she dared to look; dared to hope that she was free of her. But Clarke could not leave her behind no matter how long or how far she walked.
Clarke only stopped when her body gave out below her, unable and unwilling to carry her further. She closed her eyes to avoid the image of Charlotte that she was sure to see if they remained open. She allowed her exhaustion to carry her into the dreamland, hoping that sleep would give her some peace. Her dreams were not dreams though, but nightmares, and she was haunted in her sleep as well.
When she awoke the next day her body ached as did her head and the rain still fell to the earth. When she opened her eyes to the day she was not greeted by the sight of Charlotte before her and she felt a great relief. Upon turning her head to the side however, she saw Wells standing above her. In his eyes she saw accusations and betrayal.
Like the day before, she thought only of running away, so she did. She walked without stopping and without thinking. She didn't pause to drink water when she came across it, she didn't pick any berries to eat when walked through a bush of them. She saw and thought only of escape.
She walked for an entire day before her body gave way again and she fell into a sleep full of nightmares. Each day after that continued in the same fashion, the only thing that changed was who haunted her. After Wells it was Anya's second, the child she had failed to save. Then it was the Grounder whose throat she had slit and then watched as the life drained from his body. Next it was Anya and then after that it was Dante.
Each day she tried to escape the ghosts that followed her and each day she failed. She walked until she could walk no more. She didn't drink, she didn't eat, and with each passing day she walked less and less and slept more and more. Each day she would collapse sooner than the day before and her thoughts and vision began to become more and more fuzzy. The rain never ceased and her nightmares were unending.
It was while she was trying to get away from Dante that she tripped over a log that she should have seen and fell forward, her heading hitting a rock on the ground. What sight she still had went dark for over a minute before light started to filter in again and she could feel the blood dripping down the side of her face. Her eyes focused on a shadow above her and saw Dante looking down at her, blood on his shirt from where she had shot him.
She rolled away from him to see Wells standing beside her. When she looked over her shoulder, it was Maya who she saw next. Although her body was incredibly weak, Clarke found enough strength to stand once again in order to get away. She looked around her and saw a crowd of people looming closer and closer to her. She saw Finn and Charlotte and Atom along with Anya and a lot of the other grounders. She saw those from Mount Weather, adults and kids alike.
They were in a circle around her and they kept coming closer to her, she could feel the air getting thinner and she knew they were going to smother her. She saw a slight space between Maya and a child and she moved for it. She pushed between them and broke away from her tormentors.
She struggled to keep herself on her feet and she ran, desperation pushing her forward when everything else was trying to hold her back. She could barely make out the land in front of her and without her being aware she had left the trees behind and was climbing over rocks.
At one point she found herself slipping on a boulder and tried to find something to grab onto. With only her left hand to use though, she was unable to find a handhold and before she knew it she was twisting and falling. Then as she neared the ground, her right foot landed between a couple of rocks and became wedged. The rest of her body kept falling backwards and she felt her leg snap just before her back and head hit the ground.
When Clarke regained consciousness the only thing she could feel was pain. She was unable to move, she found it hard to breathe and she could barely keep a coherent thought in her head. She was unable to do anything but lie there, so that is what she did. She laid there with her eyes shut to everything but the pain.
As the time passed her pain seemed to lessen and Clarke was finally able to find a singular thought in her mind. She was finally going to die. There, in that place, and at that time, she was going to die. She felt ready for the end then. There would be no more fighting, no more pain, no more death. She would finally find the peace that had eluded her since her father had been taken.
With the thought of death so close, the fear that had driven her her last few days vanished. She opened her eyes, unafraid of what she might see when she did. Her eyes only showed her a great white light though, an almost blinding light, and she thought that this was it.
The light began to dim a little and within it she saw a shadow begin to appear. The shadow became less fuzzy and the form of a man began to take shape. Soon the image cleared and Clarke was looking at the image of her father. He looked quite sad and slowly shook his low hanging head before raising it to look her in the eyes. As she stared at him, he opened his mouth and said six words to her.
Six words from him and she could feel the tears falling from the corners of her eyes. Six words and then his image was fading from her along with the light and color of the world. Six words before the darkness began to surround her for the last time. She had been ready to die and then her father had said six words and all she wanted to do was live. But it was too late; she was already fading from the world, and with her last breath before the blackness claimed her for its own she repeated his words in her mind.
"Not yet, Kiddo. Not like this."