A Conversation at a Crossroad

Chapter 4 - Confessions

"All the things we are but not saying" - Daughtry

SAITOH

Saitoh listened and said nothing as Tokio recounted the conversation she'd had with Tsutomu. She had an excellent memory.

There was so much to process, much of it painful and unpleasant. While he'd anticipated a measure of what the slender attorney sitting beside him was now recounting, the severity of the situation with Tsutomu was unexpected and deeply troubling. His child was at a breaking point.

(How did I miss this?)

Saitoh's jaw tightened painfully as the degree of suffering that his son was experiencing was laid bare before him. The answer came to him, almost immediately, and while it brought no comfort to the situation, it did provide an explanation for why the lapse in strategic planning had occurred.

(Moron…there has been no strategy...only survival) Staying alive long enough to attain sobriety and get his kids back had been all he could manage. In desperate times, triage was a necessary, but there were always repercussions as some wounds and conditions were relegated as less critical than others.

Tokio was also struggling. Burdens, heavy ones, had been thrust on her with no warning, no time to prepare. She was tough enough not to flinch from the truth and soften the blow by being anything less than completely honest about the situation, but she was also human, for god sakes. The urge to try and comfort was strong, but this was not the time or place for such sentimentality and with the exception of a singular hand squeeze and a dark smirk when the well raised woman went so far as to swear about his sister, his face throughout Tokio's explanation was a study in sternness.

"Fear is an awful adversary, one that can make a person doubt everything, everyone...especially themselves." Voice dropping an octave, Saitoh continued, "I know from experience that if you don't face it, it will utterly consume a human being and everyone they hold dear. Tsutomu needs to understand this as well."

"You already know that I have been remiss in my responsibilities as a father." There was no bitter recrimination in his low voice, only the flatness of hard fact. "My experiences, while making me an adept soldier and officer, are not well suited for the task of properly raising small children. I appreciate your candor and will speak with Tsutomu about his concerns."

Saitoh paused and then, reminding himself severely that he wasn't in a damn staff de-briefing at the police station, reached out and gently cupped the side of Tokio's beautiful face for a moment. He could feel the bones of her jaw beneath his calloused fingers. She was, for all of her ferocious intelligence and honor, still delicate. Breakable.

"Thank you for being there for him last night." It was not lost on him that his son had desperately sought out the company, wisdom and comfort of a woman who was still, in so many ways, a stranger rather than confide in his father. He was sure that it was not lost on Tokio either.

"I will not discount the discomfort that his emerging memories are causing. We're both adults and it's been confusing as hell." Saitoh thought about how his own realization and subsequent acceptance of past lives colliding with present ones had been difficult and at times, bewildering, "That being said, recalling exactly who you are puts Tsutomu at an advantage he would not otherwise have at this critical juncture. While young, the boy has good instincts and is following them."

Saitoh looked at Tokio for a long moment and then followed his child's example.

"I must do the same, if we're to survive." Saitoh said. "The past two days have radically changed the trajectories of our lives and that of Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi."

This was the part he'd warned her about.

"In light of my recent promotion, his voice was laced with acid at the unwanted irony, "the statistical likelihood of me being killed in the line of duty has now moved from the realm of highly possible to quite probable."

Memories of pulling a limp little girl out of a partially melted pink car seat came to mind. Already dead, the child's face (what was left of it) had been set in a rictus of pain and terror. "The children are now, even more so than before, desirable, active targets to various criminal elements and are in serious danger. I'm going to have to have to transfer them to a safer school and secure a reliable, private security detail." He sure as hell wasn't going to rely on the city to do that for him. "In the next few days, their lives are going to be upended."

Saitoh was ruthless in his honesty but his eyes softened slightly as he forced the next part out. Perhaps Tokio's compassion was of the contagious variety. "While my odds and that of the boys have significantly worsened, yours are unchanged. Your courage, abilities as a prosecutor and a formidable weapon of the court are outstanding, but you lack the necessary experience and combat training to survive by yourself in this hellhole of a city. Dammit, Tokio, you'll be dead within three months if things remain as they are."

He shook his head sharply, anger and regret making his voice sharper than he wanted it to be. "Yaso's death nearly killed me. "Another loss of a similar nature, will, without question, prove fatal."

"Once I took what I had for granted and nearly lost everything. I will not make that mistake again." He took a breath, exhaled slowly and then added, his eyes fixed hard on hers. "If worse comes to worse, my children can't be fostered off again on Katsu where they would be viewed as a burden rather than a blessing. Help me protect them and give them a real chance at living a proper life, one that has potential."

"Stay here, Tokio. Stay with me. Give me the chance and the time to give you the training and support you need to stay alive."

TOKIO

The attorney was fairly certain that her former husband had no clue that he would be on the receiving end of the warnings that he had given her the night before. Many things she just told him had to be hard for him to hear. Asking for help was also very difficult for him. He rarely, if ever, did that during their long ago marriage. He was a strong, independent man who preferred working on his own back then, especially after losing almost every comrade in the Bakumatsu, save for Shinpachi-san, and going to work for the police department where he was intent on carrying out the Shinsengumi's code of 'Slay Evil Immediately' even if he had to do it on his own.

Regardless of his tone of voice which held no bitterness, the Major's statement about being remiss in his responsibilities as a father grated Tokio the wrong way. The man was still beating himself up over what happened to Yaso and the aftermath, the unbearable pain he suffered. It broke her heart to see him punish himself for an event he had no control over.

"My experiences, while making me an adept soldier and officer, are not well suited for the task of properly raising small children. I... will speak with Tsutomu about his concerns. Fear is an awful adversary, one that can make a person doubt everything, everyone...especially themselves. I know from experience that if you don't face it, it will utterly consume a human being and everyone they hold dear. Tsutomu needs to understand this as well"

What the Major said was all true. However, Tsutomu was a seven year old boy, not a member of the MPD or the Third Unit which he lead for Kondo and Hijikata.

"Hajime," she paused to collect her thoughts. Who was she to give him advice? They were no longer married. "About Tsutomu," but she was the boy's mother in another era, didn't that count? "When you talk to Tsutomu it is very important that you tell him it is okay for him to be afraid." Forgive me, please, for telling you what I think you should do; I rarely did that before.

"He also needs to know that... you... understand why he feels afraid and that...all of us... are here to help him and care for him." She wanted to add that the Major should tell their son they would keep him safe, but she knew that might not be the case no matter hard they tried or how well they planned. That was the reality here in the brutal world of New Meiji. Everyone experiences fear at some point in their life. Would telling a terrified seven year old that fact be helpful in this case, when he had to depend on adults, who had already let him down? Tokio didn't think so. She kept her mouth shut about that.

"Thank you for being there for him last night."

She just nodded in response not voicing her thought that it was a mother's duty and privilege to comfort her child.

"We will need to talk about Tsutomu," she told him as she looked him in the eyes, "and what he and I spoke about last night." It was so hard to explain to a seven year old something she really didn't understand herself. " I want you to know everything." Tokio never kept anything about their family from him and she was not going to do it in this new era, either.

"But it is something that I would rather tell you when we are finished discussing other matters." Matters which may affect the path the rest of our lives will take.

"... the boy has good instincts and is following them. I must do the same, if we're to survive. The past two days have radically changed the trajectories of our lives and that of Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi."

Little red flags popped up in the attorney's mind.

"In light of my recent promotion, the statistical likelihood of me being killed in the line of duty has now moved from the realm of highly possible to quite probable."

It went without saying that things were different now. That particular reality slammed her in the face, literally, in the parking garage. Was that only two days ago? His voice was venomous. There was a reason he took that promotion, but Tokio was sure it wasn't because he wanted it.

"The children are now, even more so than before, desirable, active targets to various criminal elements and are in serious danger. I'm going to have to have to transfer them to a safer school and secure a reliable, private security detail. In the next few days, their lives are going to be upended."

She nodded in understanding. It broke her heart to think of the upheaval the boys, their boys, were soon to experience. It could not be helped. It was something that had to be done. The children had been through so much in their young lives with the brutal murder of their birth mother and an absent, alcoholic father who was now trying to give them as normal a life as he could manage.

The attorney knew the situation was critical when the Major said he was going to secure a security detail for Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi. He did not entrust his children to just anyone, and then only if forced.

Tokio was realistic She knew that he and the boys were even bigger targets now because of his promotion. His children were in immense danger. She thought about Yaso-san's sacrifice and the circumstances surrounding Fujita-san and his family.

His words were ruthless, no doubt to get his point across, but his expression softened slightly.

"While my odds and that of the boys have significantly worsened...you lack the necessary experience and combat training to survive by yourself in this hellhole of a city. Dammit, Tokio, you'll be dead within three months if things remain as they are."

There it was, the part he knew she would not want to hear. He was right; he always was. Tokio was glad he warned her last night. There were things she really did not want to hear, or more accurately, be reminded of. Her lifespan or lack thereof being one of them. Who wants to hear that you are going to die soon? She sure didn't, especially when she just found the children she had raised almost two hundred years ago and the husband, whom she loved more than life itself, the man she watched die, stoic, sitting in seiza, five years before her own death. She had the boys and grandchildren to take up her time, but losing the love of her life had been more than she could bear most days. although she did hide it well. Hajime had finally left her behind and not returned until she stumbled into him at the Sunshine Cafe.

The attorney wasn't delusional enough to think that she could survive on her own. She had been trained to deal with the dangers in the backwater that was Aizu when she was growing up during this era. But this was not Aizu-wakumatsu. It was New Meiji, an exponentially more vile, violent place where the cartel would seek out a person's weakness and strike it as viciously as possible.

Tokio's predecessor at the DOJ and his family were victims of a car bomb. Oharu, her secretary, filled her in about that. Her experience was chillingly similar. There was no doubt that someone in New Meiji discovered why she was here and what she intended to do. Then there was Hajime. He was already targeted once through his family with catastrophic consequences. Syndicate thugs seemed to relish cutting someone where it really hurt and that was to take the life of the person's children or spouse, as violently and viciously as possible..

"Don't sugar coat it with me, Hajime," her voice was hard but not snappish, " I think that you are being generous. I doubt if I would last longer than another couple of weeks on my own." That was an optimistic estimate on her part.

"Yaso's death nearly killed me. Another loss of a similar nature, will, without question, prove fatal. Once I took what I had for granted and nearly lost everything. I will not make that mistake again."

Yes, Hajime Yaso's death almost did kill you, because you almost drowned in the bottle trying to punish yourself for your perceived failure. She wanted to wrap him in her arms, telling him that he needed to forgive himself, that his wife's death was not his fault. Tokio was well acquainted with the type of loss suffered by the Major. She could understand and relate to how he felt. His death during Meiji 1, although not violent, almost killed her, too. She wanted to tell him that but the attorney knew it wouldn't be helpful in their currant situation.

The things he was telling her were so personal for him to speak about. In this era they had known each other for a mere few days. But Tokio knew, in his core beliefs, he was still the same person she married in Meiji 1. In this era he had suffered more than enough tragedy than a person ever should for eternity. It pained her when she thought of his suffering and that of their boys.

She was still holding onto his hand as she had been during this entire, challenging conversation, needing a physical link to him, listening quietly for the most part.

"If worse comes to worse, my children can't be fostered off again on Katsu where they would be viewed as a burden rather than a blessing. Help me protect them and give them a real chance at living a proper life, one that has potential."

"I know that Katsu-san is not an option for the boys if ..." there was no way Tokio could finish that statement without tears. She was determined to keep them at bay. He'd already seen her in that state last night.

It made sense that he would want her to take care of the boys if something happened to him. The thought of losing him, which was a real possibility in this era, gave her a sense of deep sorrow. Tokio knew that if Hajime died, the loss would drive her mad with grief just like it had in the past.

The man sitting beside her wanted, needed her help. She told him when he first asked last night that she would. She could never refuse him, not then, not now, not ever. Tokio supposed she could take the role of a nanny, caring for his children, and loving them the way she did a couple of centuries ago when she was their birth mother.

"Of course I will help you with the boys. You know how I feel about Katsu-san and I don't want that woman anywhere near Tsutomu and Tsuyoshi. if..." she paused, "...the worst happens."

The attorney was willing to do whatever he needed her to do in this time and place just as she had done during their marriage. She realized long ago that life was not always fair. Children could be raised successfully by people who were not their parents. Call her old fashioned, but Tokio felt that there was no one better than a mother to raise her children. She had been the boy's first birth mother. Both she and Hajime knew and accepted that. Just the thought of Katsu taking on the task of raising his boys, their boys, made the attorney's normally calm blood boil.

Although he had talked about the children, he hadn't talked about 'them'.

So many thoughts were rolling around in her head, just as they did last night. Her analytical attorney's mind was over thinking things again. It was going into overdrive.

What about the Major? Would their relationship ever be as it was all those years ago? She hoped it would be someday. In Tokio's mind Hajime was still trying to deal with Yaso's death. Until he did there could be nothing other than being the most treasured, loyal supporter and friend to each other. It was something she was grateful for, although it was less than she really wanted.

She could tell Hajime was keeping his distance from her beginning from when he returned home from work yesterday. He had kissed her soundly before he left that morning. They had gotten a little carried away before being interrupted by a phone call. However, she attributed all of those pleasantries to the joy of not dying in the parking garage and coming to a full memory of the past they shared together almost two hundred years ago.

The ache in her heart grew more pronounced as she realized that her suspicions were probably correct. He was still trying to come to terms with not being able to protect Yaso. Until he did, Tokio felt that he would not be able to develop, or in their case resume, a meaningful relationship with anyone.

He hadn't really touched her since early yesterday, except for a few chaste kisses before he fell asleep on the couch last night. In her opinion all his contact before snoozing had been rather platonic in nature, a hug, a few light kisses, one on the top of her head. Tokio could not fault the Major for falling asleep. His exhaustion was most likely the cause of his less than enthusiastic response to her. That is what she hoped. Or...perhaps he decided he needed to create some space between them. Then again, neither of them would be doing anything that was inappropriate on the living room couch with the children sleeping down the hall. She was grateful that Hajime's snoring was what woke Tsutomu rather than something else.

"Stay here, Tokio. Stay with me."

His statement made her heart melt and ache at the same time. She desperately wanted his words to mean that he wanted her as his wife again. But she would have to read between the lines to see that in the context of the conversation they were having. The attorney continued to look at the Major intently, taking in each of his words, trying to discern exactly what he was trying to tell her. He was direct, concise, and very clear in all matters, except those that were of a very personal nature. Expressing emotions, other than those of a warrior, was not that easy for him.

"I am loathe to leave all of you, especially now that Tsutomu recognizes me for who I was, for who I am." The Major did need her help. Even though she had mixed feelings about living in this house with him, because it would take a lot for her to tamp down her longing for a restored relationship with her former husband.

"All of you need help. Your house is large enough to accommodate another person. It would be my privilege and honor to do what I can to lend stability to your household and to help you and the boys," she told him sincerely as she gave him her best look of determination, trying to ignore the crack that was coursing through her heart, threatening to break her hard fought composure

"Give me the chance and the time to give you the training and support you need to stay alive."

Hearing those words was a bittersweet, mixed blessing for the attorney. She really did not want to leave the boys or their father. Tokio was thankful that he wanted to help her stay alive.

"I will take you up on your offer to continue training me. That is another good reason for me to stay here because it will be more convenient."

"Thank you," she continued quietly with a slight nod of her head, "for that my family and I will be forever grateful."

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