Bleach Summer Camp
Chapter 4: The Last Six Hours
Aizen and Yamamoto stared at each other, their mouths gaped open.
Starrk looked at the two and sighed as he rubbed his head. Harribel shook her head. Nnoitora and Grimmjow were grinning, hoping that Yamamoto would finally kill off the bastard who made their lives a living Hell for the past few hours. As Byakuya recovered from fainting and saw the two nemesis glaring at each other, he found himself torn over who he wanted to see die the most and decided that it would be best if they just killed each other off.
"My," Gin said, "this is awkward."
"What…are…you…DOING HERE?" Yamamoto shouted.
"Hmm, maybe I should loan my glasses to you," Aizen said, smirking. "Maybe then you would see that I and my companions are going to Camp Smiley. Oh…I forgot…those weren't even real glasses."
"That does it," Yamamoto growled. "Get ready. Put all of your spirit on the line and crush them here. Even if your flesh is ripped from your bone, you must stand firm. You must not let them, Aizen and his allies, take a single step into the Soul Society. Now…ATTACK!"
"Uh…technically...we're already walking in the Soul Society," Lilynette said.
"Huh?" Yamamoto asked as he looked at Starrk's other half.
"Indeed," Szayel Aporro said.
"She does have you there, Sensei," Ukitake said.
"Uh…well…uh…" Yamamoto mumbled. He was clearly at a loss for words.
"Also," Lilynette continued. "You gave the exact speech that High Commander Shigekuni gave before the Spirit Guardians and the Ten Daggers battled each other at the Fake Gensei in White-Out Volume 38. Although, that speech doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it, because technically the Fake Gensei was a part of the Soul Society and so the Ten Daggers were technically in the Soul Society. In fact, I would say that you must be another die-hard White-Out fan."
"Well…uh…" Yamamoto muttered, not wanting to admit that he was indeed a die-hard White-Out fan.
"Wow, you know a lot about this," Rangiku, who was also a die-hard White-Out fan, said, rather impressed.
"It's her favorite series," Starrk said.
"HA! You see that, Yamamoto," Aizen said clearly enjoying this. "Even my weakest Arrancar beat you."
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Lilynette shouted.
"Let it go, Lilynette, Aizen's just being an idiot…as usual," Starrk muttered.
"You dare to mock me?" Yamamoto cried out to Aizen. "You're nothing more than an arrogant, pompous, self-righteous, sociopath."
"Oh you're calling me 'arrogant', Mr. I-Must-Get-My-Head-All-Nice-And-Shiny-For-The-Meeting?" Aizen said.
"Ha, that's a good one from you, Mr. You-Must-All-Bow-Before-My-Might-Or-Die."
"Well, at least I don't WET THE BED!"
"I'M OLD. I'M SUPPOSED TO WET THE BED!"
"Then why didn't I ever see Kyoraku or Ukitake wet their beds? Oh…wait…to you, 2000 years isn't old enough to get the Senior Discount at Country Buffet!"
"At least I don't have some idiotic curl hanging over my face like some kind of bitch."
"How…dare you mock my awesome curl? For your information, my awesome curl makes me look like Superman. Also, at least I have a full head of hair instead of being a cue ball with a beard and extremely ugly eyebrows."
The two groups only looked at their respective leaders.
"So tell me," Kyoraku said to Starrk, "does Aizen always argue like this?"
"You have no idea," Starrk said. "How about your commander, does he always argue like this?"
"You have no idea," Kyoraku said and sighed. "Want some sake?"
"I could go for a cup…or two…or three," Starrk said as they watched the argument between the two "Fearless Leaders" continue.
It took another thirty minutes of Yamamoto and Aizen continue calling each other names before Blaine had enough.
"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" the train cried out. "WE'RE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE. SO SHUT UP AND GET BOARDING!"
"YAY!" Yachiru cried out. "A TALKING TRAIN!"
"Hmm, NEMU," Kurotsuchi called out.
"Yes Master Mayuri," Nemu said.
"Along the way, I want to perform some tests on this thing. I want to see what makes it tick."
"Yes Master Mayuri."
It took another ten minutes for the luggage to be loaded, with Rangiku's mountain taking the longest. In the end, it was agreed that Rangiku brought too much luggage for the train compartments to hold and thus her luggage was fortunate enough to be tied to the roof using Ulquiorra's rope. Then there was the problem of assigning everyone to a compartment for the remainder of the journey.
"Why don't some of us sit in Compartment 20?" Momo asked.
"Trust us," Mila Rose said. "You don't want to sit in that one."
"No shit," Apacci said shivering at the memory of the thing that lurked in Compartment 20. "You may be a bunch of Soul Reapers, but no one…and I mean no one should see what is in that compartment."
As a result, the compartments got rather crowded and to top things off, Yamamoto and Aizen got stuck with each other in Compartment 1. The Arrancars cheered at the thought that finally Aizen would not be able to do anything with the intercom and they could have some peace and quiet. The Soul Reapers only looked at each other in dismay. As soon as they were informed that there was an intercom in Compartment 1, they were a little worried, but shrugged it off.
Chojiro wanted to sit towards the front, but alas, he and Sentaro were stuck in the Limbo that belongs to background characters. As a result, they were unfortunate to be forced into Compartment 20, but thankfully Cuuhlhourne didn't notice them there and thus remained behind his wall of filing cabinets. I guess that's one blessing of being a background character.
Compartment 17
Starrk wondered how the compartment that he and Lilynette shared for most of the journey got so crowded all of a sudden. Lilynette was on the floor reading more of White-Out as the iHome now played "Tuesday Afternoon" by The Moody Blues off of the iPod. He saw that Harribel was talking with Nanao and Unohana on the other side of the compartment, talking about whatever women liked to talk about. He saw them snacking on the brownies that Sung-Sun brought in earlier. He sometimes saw how they would flick their eyes to either him or Kyoraku or Ukitake. Sometimes they would just burst out in giggles for no reason.
"I really don't understand women," Starrk said.
"I hear ya," Kyoraku said. "How do you think that the others are adjusting to their Gigais?"
"Well, the Kido spell that Aizen put up to seal all of our powers and put us in Gigais doesn't seem to really affect the overall physical appearance. Aaroniero still looks like a walking aquarium and that dog guy still looks the same," Starrk said.
"Yeah, we make a rather interesting bunch," Ukitake said and chuckled at the thought.
"Well, this is definitely better than trying to cut each other up," Starrk said.
"I know," Kyoraku said and laughed. "I mean hey, at least this is a chance to really get to know each other."
"This isn't going to become some sort of Stand by Me kind of thing where we all follow a railroad track just to see a dead body?" Starrk asked.
"Hey, you know that movie too?" Ukitake asked, grinning.
"Yeah, it's one of my favorites. I especially liked the campfire discussion about what the Disney character Goofy is," Starrk said.
"I know," Kyoraku said. "I think that Stand by Me and The Shawshank Redemption are the best Stephen King adaptations."
"Really, what about The Green Mile and the TV movie of Salem's Lot made in '70s?"
"Ooh, those are good ones too. I thought that Michael Clarke Duncan really got the character of John Coffey down and Tom Hanks really rose to the challenge of playing Paul Edgecomb," Kyoraku said.
"Considering how many terrible adaptations of Stephen King have been made…" Starrk said with a shudder.
"So, are you guys having fun?" Harribel asked, grinning.
Starrk immediately saw a gleam in her eyes and swallowed. Kyoraku and Ukitake obviously saw that same gleam in Unohana's and Nanao's eyes. Lilynette only looked up from reading her tankabon and shrugged before returning her focus to read as the Xcution Squad was preparing to begin training Berry in the art of Fullbring in order to help him fight the remaining members of the Ten Daggers.
"Uh…what do you want, Bel?" Starrk asked.
"Oh…we just want to do…THIS!" Harribel cried out.
Immediately the three women pounced on their man and tied them up. The three men looked at each other and saw with growing horror as the women brought out their makeup bags. They were about to get started when the speaker came to life.
"I will have your attention," Yamamoto said. "I would like to inform you that the Soul Society and the Arrancars have made a temporary truce at this moment. In honor of this momentous occasion, Aizen and I would like to sing you all a little duet."
The reaction was universal, even with Szayel Aporro and Luppi. There were cries of agony and retching as Yamamoto and Aizen began singing "Up Where We Belong" in perfect harmony.
"I've had enough of that," Harribel said and grinned as she looked back at Starrk. "Lilynette, please turn the player a little louder."
"Sure thing," Lilynette said, absent-mindedly and she did as she was told.
"Let's put something a little bit…livelier on," Unohana said as she looked at the iPod and turned it to the Artists list. She grinned when she found the one she wanted. When she clicked play, Siouxsie & the Banshees were singing "Spellbound" and the women got to work making the men look pretty.
Compartment 6
"Would someone please put me out of my misery?" Grimmjow moaned.
"Gee, I would really like to Grimm-Kitty, but then I would have to suffer alone," Nnoitora said, gritting his teeth.
"Hey Kenny, maybe these two would like to have some fun with ya," Yachiru said.
"Yeah…that will distract us from this crap," Kenpachi said, reaching for his Zanpakuto, only to remember that he could no longer gain access to it. "Damn, I can't get to my sword."
"Well, we can always use our fists," Nnoitora said, grinning.
"Now you're talking," Kenpachi said.
"So, how do you want to do this thing?" Grimmjow asked. He grinned as he faced Ikkaku and Yumichika.
"Hey, no fair, you get to take two on one?" Nnoitora shrieked.
"Ah shut up, Captain Overbite," Grimmjow said. "You get to fight their Captain in exchange."
"Good point," Nnoitora said.
Silence fell in the cabin and then, as though some unheard or unseen signal was given, the groups clashed. Yachiru jumped up and down on her seat, clapping with glee at the tangle of bodies trying to rip each other to shreds.
Compartment 13
If there is a list of reasons why the number 13 is considered unlucky, this should be added to the list.
Compartment 13 really did attract the most…peculiar bunch of compartment-mates ever assembled. You had the Three (or Four) Freaks of the Apocalypse: Szayel Aporro Granz, Aaroniero Arruruerie, and Zommari Rureaux, sitting with Captain Freakshow (a.k.a. Mayuri Kurotsuchi) and his "daughter-clone", Nemu. They all looked at each other, but Szayel Aporro and Mayuri focused most of their concentration on Aaroniero.
"Out of curiosity," Mayuri said. "How do you two refer to yourselves?"
"Depends…"
"…on how we feel."
"Alright then," Szayel Aporro said. "Which one of you is Aaroniero and which one of you is Arruruerie?"
"That's not…"
"…the order today."
"It isn't?"
"No, today I'm Aaro…"
"…and I'm Niero."
"Hmm, fascinating," Mayuri said. "So you change your names every so often?"
"YES!" the two heads replied in unison.
"No wonder why everyone is confused about what to call you," Szayel Aporro said.
"It's not…"
"…as confusing…"
"…as determining…"
"…Luppi's gender."
"Good point," Szayel Aporro said.
"Hmm…Arrancar, Arrancar, Arrancar…Espadas," Mayuri said grinning. "Hueco Mundo is a treasure trove of riches."
"We're not in Hueco Mundo, dumbass," Szayel Aporro snarled.
"Whatever," Zommari said as he continued to stare at the wall across from him.
Compartment 7
Renji felt very uncomfortable with how silent everyone was.
"So…uh…how about we play a game?" he asked.
No one said anything.
"Okay…how about 20 questions?"
No one said anything.
"Okay…I spy something quiet," he said grinning.
Silence.
"Uh…I spy something wearing eyeliner."
Silence.
"Okay…I spy something that looks like a manic depressant."
Silence.
"Uh…I spy something that looks like they really don't want to be here."
"It's all of us," Byakuya said.
"Uh…yeah…it is," Renji said.
"Why would you say that I wear eye-liner?"
"I…uh…don't know, Captain Kuchiki."
"It is clear that your subordinate is an idiot," Ulquiorra said.
"You have no idea," Byakuya said.
Renji looked at Byakuya and then at Ulquiorra. Izuru, Momo, Toshiro, and Sung-Sun only looked at Renji and then looked away. Silence once again fell in Compartment 7, with the exception of Aizen and Yamamoto who were singing another duet.
Compartment 11
"So anyways," Rangiku said. "When I saw that he was not about to budge, I just simply gave him a big old hug, making sure to bury him deep in my chest so that he couldn't breathe. That got him moving."
"Really, so you mean that just to get that li'l shrimp you call a Captain to do your work, all that you have to do is smother him with your boobs?" Apacci asked as she took another bite from the brownie that Sung-Sun gave her.
"Oh yeah…wait…or is that Shuhei? No it's actually Shuhei who'll do the work for me if I smother him with my boobs. Toshiro just runs away and yells at me."
"Hmm, maybe Lady Harribel should try that with Starrk," Mila Rose said. "Maybe then he'll sleep less."
"Ooh, my Gossip Senses are tingling," Rangiku said, grinning. "Tell me more."
Mila Rose and Apacci looked at each other, wondering if they should tell this Soul Reaper about their suspicions. However, the sound of Yamamoto and Aizen singing "Pop Goes the Gotei/Espada" on the intercom decided it for them. They told her everything and Rangiku's eyes glittered. She could hardly wait to tell the other Shinigami Women's Association members on the train about this bit of gossip.
Compartment 17
"I must say," Unohana said as the three women stood back, admiring their handiwork. "It is a vast improvement."
"Yes, I think that the eyeliner really brought out Kyoraku's eyes," Nanao said with a smirk.
"Plus that light red lipstick is really doing wonders for Starrk," Harribel said, also smirking.
"Maybe we should show them off," Nanao suggested.
"How about you don't?" Ukitake said, almost pleading.
"Otherwise Grimmjow and Nnoitora will never let me hear the end of this," Starrk grumbled.
"Don't be such a big baby," Harribel said and brought out a mirror. "How about you take a look?"
She held the mirror up and what Starrk saw horrified him.
"I…I look like some kind of CLOWN!" he shouted in horror.
"What did you do to us?" Ukitake moaned.
"Oh…we just made you pretty is all," Unohana said, smiling at the three men.
Lilynette closed her tankabon and then looked at the three men. Starrk glared at her, trying to warn her not to even think of laughing. Unfortunately, it was too late. Lilynette burst out into a loud belly-busting laugh when she saw them.
Each of the three men's faces was painted to resemble some French nobleman during the 18th century. Their faces were completely covered in white powder. Black eyeliner and shadow surrounded their eyes, making them look like raccoons. Their lips were painted in bright red and they were even glittering. Their hair was made up to look like 18th century French noblewomen's pouf (pretty much think of the tall powdered ladies' wigs in the film Marie Antoinette). Their hair was also decorated with bows and figures of birds or ships.
"I don't know," Harribel said, an evil smile came on her lips. "I think that something's missing."
"Bel, please, you don't want to do this," Starrk said.
"Yeah, but unfortunately that Perv Nnoitora isn't here…" then she thought of something.
"What is it?" Kyoraku asked.
"Ladies," Harribel said to Unohana and Nanao. "What do you say that we give some of the guys…a makeover?"
"That sounds like fun," Nanao said, grinning.
"I must agree," Unohana said, smiling.
"Buh-bye boys," Harribel said. "We'll be back soon. Ooh, Nanao, how about you grab some of those dresses from Compartment 20, but be careful. You don't want to awaken the creature that lives in there."
"From what you told me," Nanao said. "I wouldn't even want to, at least…not until we're finished."
When the three women left, with makeup cases and Nanao to get the racks of Vegas Showgirl outfits in Compartment 20, Starrk looked at Lilynette.
"Lilynette, please, let us out," Starrk moaned.
"Hmm, I don't think so."
"Lilynette, if you untie us, I'll buy your favorite candy."
"Hmm, tempting, but…I think not."
"I'll tell you what," Starrk said, thinking fast. "If you untie us, I'll buy you that White-Out special DVD box set you always wanted."
"I don't know. It's difficult to choose between two things I've always wanted this badly," Lilynette said.
"Come on," Starrk said. "I'm begging you to please…let us go."
"I'll tell you what," Lilynette said, grinning. "If I let you go, you'll have to buy me…the Complete White-Out collectible box set with seasons 1-11 when it comes out next month. And, I don't want the crappy cardboard set either. I want the full deluxe, metal box set with the Berry and Chappy statues."
"Deal," Starrk said.
"Alright," Lilynette said, grinning as she untied the three men who then dashed out to the Men's room to get the makeup off. "Hmm, now I've got to think of a cover story to tell Harribel and the other two."
"Will Lilynette Gingerback please come to Compartment 1? Will Lilynette Gingerback please come to Compartment 1? Also, will Rangiku Matsumoto please come to Compartment 1?" the voices of Aizen and Yamamoto called over the intercom.
"Hmm," Lilynette hummed, smiling. She just got her cover story.
Compartment 1
"What did you want to see us about, Captain?" Rangiku asked.
"Yeah," Lilynette said.
"Well, you see, I just couldn't let what this little girl said on the platform go," Yamamoto said.
"Who are you calling 'little girl'?" Lilynette asked.
"Lilynette, Gramps here is a very good friend of mine," Aizen said.
"He is?" Lilynette and Rangiku asked. Both arched one eyebrow.
"Of course I am," Yamamoto said, "uh…wait a minute."
"At any rate, Yamamoto was very distraught that you called him out on his obsession with White-Out."
"That's right," Yamamoto said.
"I did?"
"Yes, when I told everyone to attack, you then called me out and said that I said the exact same thing that High Commander Shigekuni said."
"Oh…now I remember."
"Uh…if it concerned her, then why am I here?" Rangiku asked.
"Now see here. No one…and I mean no one is a bigger White-Out fan than me," Yamamoto said.
Unfortunately, statements like that have brought countless fans who are obsessed with something to deal blows with each other. If there's one thing that an obsessed fan cannot and will not accept is whenever someone else says that they're the Biggest Fan. The title of Biggest Fan is the greatest honor to be bestowed on anyone who is obsessed with some kind of franchise that they cannot survive without it. The Biggest Fan has no life outside of the Franchise. It is the very ground that they walk on. It is the food that they eat. It is the very air that they breathe. It becomes as much a part of them as their own soul. If it came to a choice between their soul and the Franchise, the Biggest Fan will always choose the Franchise. As such, for one rabid fan to tell another rabid fan that they're the Biggest Fan, it is the equivalent of declaring full-out war.
"Ha, everyone in the Gotei knows that I'm a bigger White-Out fan than you."
"Oh…I don't think so," Lilynette said, her eyebrow twitched with irritation. "I'm the biggest White-Out fan in the whole world…all bazillion of them."
"Ha, alright then, Little Girl," Yamamoto said, grinning. "In what chapter did the Xcution Squad first make their debut and who was the first member to be seen?"
"That's an easy one," Lilynette said. "Xcution Squad was first officially introduced in Chapter 78, but they were first mentioned in Chapter 43. As for who the first one seen is…that's debatable. Some people say that Kugo Ginjo was the first one to be seen in Chapter 73. However, if you look carefully in the background for one of the panels in Chapter 27, you can see Riruka walking with her brother Yukio."
"Impressive…although you left out that Tsukishima was first seen in Chapter 24," Rangiku said.
"Ah, but Tsukishima is not a member of the Xcution Squad," Lilynette said. "You see, he never took the vows of Xcution, and he's actually a member of the Ten Daggers. Granted he used to be a "member", but he was serving as a spy for Lord Dis, the traitor of the Soul Society and commander of the Ten Daggers. That story was told shortly before the power of Fullbring was introduced in Chapter 457."
"Lilynette's right about that one," Yamamoto said. "However, you are both wrong. You see, Giriko was the first one seen in Chapter 23."
"What are you talking about?" Lilynette asked, narrowing her eyes.
"He was the bartender in the Hoyle Tavern," Yamamoto said.
"The Hoyle Tavern was not even introduced until Chapter 30," Rangiku said.
"And you first saw the people inside the Hoyle Tavern in Chapter 31," Lilynette said. "If you want proof, I can give it to you. I brought my entire White-Out tankabon collection and DVD collection with me."
"Ooh," Rangiku said and then lowered her head. "I must admit…you are a bigger fan than I am. Only a true fan would carry all of the tankabon and DVD collections with them."
"Don't feel too bad," Lilynette said, patting her arm. "You're still a Big Fan, but not the Biggest Fan. That's nothing to be ashamed about."
"That's nothing," Yamamoto said, grinning. "I brought the entire Shonen Jump collection with me. That means that I'm the Biggest Fan."
"Ha, in your dreams," Lilynette said. "I bet you don't have the official collector's Berry and Chappy plushy with you."
"No, but I do have them at home," Yamamoto said.
"Whatever, I'll be right back," Lilynette said and left.
"You know, there is one way to settle it once and for all between you two," Aizen said.
"Yeah, there is," Rangiku said.
"What is it?" Yamamoto said.
"Not right now," Aizen said as he wagged his forefinger in front of Yamamoto's face. "I want to talk to Lilynette about it."
Compartment 17
"Good, they're not back," Kyoraku said as he checked the compartment.
"That took longer than I expected," Ukitake said.
"Well, yeah, I must have gotten rid of about ten pounds of makeup," Kyoraku said. "Plus, you had all of those decorations in your hair."
"What do you think they're doing now?" Starrk asked.
"Nothing good," Ukitake said. "I never saw Unohana act that way. What do you think came over her?"
"I…have no idea," Kyoraku said. "Nanao never acted that way before."
"Neither did Harribel," Starrk said. "Do you think it might have something to do with that Kido spell?"
"It could be. Either that or Yamamoto and Aizen on the intercom like that drove them nuts," Kyoraku said.
"Well whatever it is…" Ukitake began and then they heard screaming from outside.
The three men rushed to the door and peeked outside. Starrk's eyes widened at the sight of Nnoitora and Grimmjow being chased by Nel and Apacci. Behind them they could see Yachiru holding down a struggling Kenpachi while Mila Rose was doing something with some eyeliner. They slunk back into the compartment and decided that it would be best to lock the door.
Compartment 8
"I must say this is very kind of you girls to do this for us," Gin said, grinning.
"It's nice that you two are at least cooperating," Harribel said. "Oh, and Luppi, I'm sorry about calling you a 'Pervert' earlier. If I had known that you were going through your woman stage again, I never would have called you that."
"Oh, thank you," Luppi said as Unohana applied some glittering nail polish to his well-manicured nails. "I should have told you sooner."
"I must say that this kind of feels…nice," Ulquiorra said and popped another piece of brownie into his mouth as Sung-Sun applied black lipstick to his lower lip. "I never knew that hand lotion could make your hands feel much happier."
"What about your other compartment mates?" Harribel asked. "I don't see anyone but you and Sung-Sun here."
"They're hiding somewhere," Sung-Sun said. "That stuck-up one mentioned how it would be dishonorable to his house or something like that."
"Ooh, I lay claim to the silver dress," Gin said. "It would go well with my hair."
"Hmm, then I would have to say that green one with the black feathers will do fine for me," Ulquiorra said.
"No…no…let me go…LET ME GO, DAMNIT!" Grimmjow cried out as Nel and Apacci dragged him in.
"Now now," Nel said. "If Grimm-Kitty won't behave, then he won't get any milk or treats. And I'll take away his favorite toy for a couple of days."
"NO…NO…NOT FLUFFY…DON'T HURT FLUFFY!"
"If you don't want anything to happen to Fluffy," Nel said, "then you will be a good Kitty and not put up a fuss."
"But…but…BUT GRIMM-KITTY DOESN'T LIKE DRESSING-UP!" Grimmjow screamed.
"Oh dear, another one who's going to have to get tied down," Unohana said.
"TESLA, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU!" Nnoitora cried out as Mila Rose and Tesla dragged him in.
"Ah, thank you Tesla," Harribel said. "How does that lovely gown make you feel?"
"Absolutely divine," Tesla said as he held out one hand clad in a black silk evening glove that went up to his elbow. He gave a twirl in the sparkling black evening dress. "Loly and Menoly were right. Sometimes it's nice to get away from pants and stuffy men's clothing. Oh God, I feel like Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot."
At that moment, Yumichika dragged a struggling Ikkaku through the door as well.
"You're going to have problem doing this one's hair," Yumichika said, snickering a little.
"YUMICHIKA! I SWEAR I'M GONNA…"
"…not look as beautiful as me," Yumichika said.
"Don't worry about the hair," Nanao said. "I found plenty of wigs that we can use."
Compartment 2
Tosen listened to the commotion that occurred out in the hall. He reached for his special "Justice Glasses" (all rights reserved) that made him look a bit like Geordi La Forge from Star Trek the Next Generation. Wonderweiss looked up at him and grabbed his sleeve.
"What is it, Wonderweiss?"
"UAA HAAWAA OOOOOH"
"Don't worry, I shall be fine. The Path of Justice always leads my path. Justice will always keep me from harm."
"HYAA AAAAAAAAAAAAH WAUU"
"That was the one time that I strayed from the Path of Justice. The only reason why Apacci was able to beat me up that time was because Justice did not want me to make sure that Apacci's mole wasn't mutating anymore because it wasn't cancer."
"WAA UAAAA AAAAA"
"Look, I never spy on the women's shower room without just cause."
"YAAA WAAAAAA HAAAAA"
"Fine, whatever you say, Wonderweiss," Tosen said as he sat back down. "I guess the Path of Justice doesn't want me to find out what's going on out there. Now, would you like me to read you some more of Harry Potter?"
Wonderweiss grinned and nodded.
"Good boy," Tosen said. "After all, Harry Potter is a part of the Path of Justice, unlike that Twilight crap that Aizen likes to read. Honestly, sometimes I think that he's not really on the Path of Justice."
Compartment 1
"So let me get this straight," Lilynette said. "You're telling me that the way to find out who the Biggest Fan for White-Out is to hold a challenge."
"That's right," Aizen said.
"And whoever gets the most questions right is the winner."
"Correct again."
"Which test will we be using?"
"Huh?"
"Honestly, don't you know that the White-Out Fanatics Convention has five different tests?"
"I did," Yamamoto said. "Would you like us to do the Kiddy-Test so that way you can compete?"
"Fuck that," Lilynette said. "Let's do the Sixth Test."
Yamamoto and Rangiku gasped.
"Uh…what are you talking about?" Aizen asked.
"Oh that's right," Lilynette said. "You're one of the Uninitiated. Should I explain, or would you like to do the honors, Gramps?"
"Aizen," Yamamoto said, becoming serious. "The Sixth Test is the Holy Grail for all true fans of White-Out. No one has gotten a perfect score on it. It is the longest and hardest test for all fans and was written by Sensei Urasawa Tite himself. The test itself is located in the Official White-Out Guide and is updated daily to include things from new chapters and/or episodes. Because it is extremely difficult and has been known to cause fans to have complete mental and physical breakdowns, it is not offered as one of the five tests that the White-Out Fanatics Convention offers."
"It's the only ever-evolving test for White-Out," Rangiku said.
"Uh…do we even have internet connection?"
"I CAN ACCESS THE TEST," Blaine said. "THIS WILL GIVE ME A DIVERSION FROM WHAT'S GOING ON."
Compartment 17
"Everything's quiet," Kyoraku said.
"Yeah…too quiet," Starrk said. "Hell, even the intercom is quiet."
"Do you think it's safe?" Ukitake asked.
"No…it's not," Starrk said and he backed away. "If Aizen's not on the intercom…. Something bad is happening and I don't want to know what it is."
"I'm going to take a look," Ukitake said.
As he reached for the handle, there came a sudden banging noise from outside. The door began to shake and the banging became louder and louder. The three backed away to the other side and stared at the door. The noises ceased and a black and red aura radiated from the sides of the door. Then the door began to bulge in…and out…in…and out.
"Oh shit," Starrk moaned. "It's whatever was behind the door in Robert Wise's version of The Haunting."
"Oh Great Spirit King Chappy," Ukitake moaned. "What if it's all of the movies ever shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and we'll have to sit and watch them without being allowed to make jokes?"
"Oh no…what if…what if it's the Captain-Commander coming to tell me that I can't drink any more sake?" Kyoraku moaned.
"Or…it could be us coming to finish the job," a sing-song voice said from the other side.
Then the door flew open and the three men screamed as Harribel, Unohana, and Nanao came in, grinning like imps from Hell. Behind them, all of the other women on the trip grinned at them. They could hear whimpering and moaning from far off. Starrk swallowed as he thought of a scene in Dante's Inferno.
This must be what Hell is like, he thought. Not even Cuuhlhourne could compete with this.
"Oh my…they got free," Nanao said.
"And they undid all of our hard work," Unohana said, giving her other grin.
"I guess that makes them naughty little boys," Harribel said, grinning as she tapped the makeup brush against her palm as if she was some kind of dominatrix. "You three have been very…very naughty boys. I guess we'll just have to punish you."
"SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" the three men screamed as the three women pounced on them.
Throughout the Camp Smiley Express
"May I have your attention please?" Aizen's voice rang out throughout the train. "We will be meeting at the Gathering Car for a very special event. I have just been informed that there shall be a beauty pageant. Also, Lilynette Gingerback and Captain-Commander Yamamoto shall be competing against each other for the title of Biggest White-Out Fan. That is all. Now, since we have some time…
"Old MacDonald had a farm…"
Compartment 20
"I can feel it," Sentaro said.
"Feel what?" Chojiro asked.
"Captain Ukitake needs my help. I must go to him."
"What can you do? You're a forgotten character…just like me."
"True, but…maybe I can use that to my advantage."
"Unlikely."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you know the rule?"
"What rule?"
"A character that is so much in the background that even the author forgets him cannot do anything to influence the outcome of events."
"Oh…is that what I am?"
"Ever since you got paired off with me…yes. I am…too much of a wallpaper character."
"Well…maybe if you tried harder to do more you wouldn't be stuck as a background character, right?"
"I wish."
"Come on, right now we're getting more dialogue than ever before. That must mean that the writer has something in mind."
"Maybe later," Chojiro said. "Although just saying that means that you're breaking the ultimate Commandment for any and all characters."
"What is that?"
"DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!"
"Ooh, a Beauty Pageant," Cuuhlhourne said as he knocked down his wall of filing cabinets. "WAIT FOR ME! I, the Lovely Beautiful Ultra Sexy Dynamic Convenient Cheaply Expensive Outgoing Angelic Goddess Charlotte Cuuhlhourne shall compete."
Cuuhlhourne rushed past Chojiro and Sentaro who had absolutely no reaction what-so-ever to the sight.
"Uh…what just happened?" Sentaro asked. "I think I should want to claw out my eyes or laugh or both, but I do not want to."
"It is the advantage of being a background character," Chojiro said. "We have absolutely no real reaction what-so-ever to such things."
Compartment 13
Baraggan grumbled something under his breath as he closed the door behind him.
"What are you grumbling about?" Mayuri asked. "And where's Nemu?"
"Do you have any idea what those…those SEXY YOUNG THINGS were doing out there?" Baraggan roared.
"No and…"
"…why should…"
"I care?"
"Does it have to do with all that commotion that was going on earlier?" Szayel Aporro asked.
"Yes it does," Baraggan said. "And once again the God of Hueco Mundo has been HUMILIATED!"
"What are you talking about?" Zommari asked.
"Those girls were talking about holding a beauty pageant with the men as the contestants. AND THEY DIDN'T INVITE ME TO COMPETE!"
"WHAT?" Szayel Aporro asked. His jaw dropped. "They…they left me out. At least tell me that they didn't let Luppi enter."
"THEY LET THAT…uh…who were you talking about?" Baraggan asked, scratching his head with his forefinger.
"THEY DID!" Szayel Aporro shrieked. "HOW DARE THEY IGNORE ME? I'm far better-looking than Luppi. I AM THE PERFECT BEING!"
"I could hardly care," Zommari said as he reached into his bag and brought out a bottle of stimulant medication. "These…just aren't doing the trick," he muttered and tossed the bottle back into the bag.
"This is…"
"…an outrage."
"I have…"
"…a sexy body and I…"
"…WANT TO SHOW IT OFF!"
"Uh…would you count as one or two contestants?" Mayuri asked.
"ONE!"
"Thought I should ask," Mayuri said.
"WHO CARES?" Szayel Aporro asked. "The point is that we were ignored. We should do our own little…Beauty Pageant as well."
"No," Mayuri said.
"I don't care either way," Zommari said.
"LET'S…"
"…DO IT!"
"Well, at least the two floating heads agree with me," Szayel Aporro said, smirking.
"I'll do it as well," Baraggan said.
"YES! Now I have the God of Hueco Mundo on my side. The three of us shall be VICTORIOUS! Come, we must get our makeup on and then get into the skimpiest outfits we can," Szayel Aporro said and the three left the compartment.
"Do you think we should observe this?" Mayuri asked.
"You can if you want to, but know this…all things are subservient to something. The masses are subservient to their king. The clouds are subservient to the wind. The light of the moon is subservient to the sun. And fools like them are subservient to their own idiocy."
"That's what I want to know," Mayuri said. "As a scientist, I must know what effects idiocy has on people."
Mayuri then dug into his bag and brought out some rather fancy video equipment. He would make sure to record the entire proceedings. Then, when he had the chance, he would write up his report on his findings on the idiocy of Beauty Pageants. He rushed out of the compartment while Zommari only sat in his seat and continued his meditation.
However, when everyone was gone, Zommari smiled and got up. He took out the boom box from his bag and then brought out the piles of fake gold jewelry and a New York Yankees cap. He was glad that he had some alone-time. Now, he could practice to make his dream of becoming a professional rapper a reality. He reached back into his bag, but didn't find what he was looking for.
"Hmm, where did my 'Special' brownies go?"
The Meeting Car
Behind the passenger car was the large, spacious, extremely tacky Meeting Car. The light reflected off the gold of statues of cherubs and reclining nudes and onto the paintings of nudes in forest scenery or nudes in rivers or…well you get the idea. Aizen found it odd that the only men present were the Captain-Commander, Omaeda who was busy stuffing his face with potato chips, Wonderweiss, Tosen, and himself. The rest were most of the women from both the Arrancar group and the Soul Reaper group.
"Where's Gin?" he asked Tosen.
"I do not know. The Path of Justice does not show me his whereabouts. It also does not show me where the other male Arrancars and Soul Reapers are either."
"Hmm, this is most peculiar," Aizen said.
He turned to where Yamamoto and Lilynette were sitting, hunched over the thick booklets that made up the questions for the legendary Sixth Test. Aizen could tell that they were struggling. Both were sweating like crazy and Rangiku stood over them holding the stopwatch and measuring their time. Aizen couldn't help but think of the SATs, or Shinigami Aptitude Tests, they were forced to take in the Shino Academy. However, both Lilynette and Yamamoto were holding their own as they worked through the test.
"DONE!" Lilynette and Yamamoto shouted at the same time.
Rangiku stopped the clock and looked at it.
"Wow, you get it done in 25 minutes and 13 seconds. That's the new record for completion of the Sixth Test."
"Yes, but it won't count until we get the results," Yamamoto said, grinning.
"Blaine," Rangiku said.
"YES?"
"Would you please process these?"
"OF COURSE I WILL. PLEASE DEPOSIT THEM INTO THE SLOT ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE MINIBAR."
Rangiku did as she was told and used the opportunity to pick up two bottles of brandy and a bottle of red wine.
"SCANNING…SCANNING…SCANNING…DATA SENT…ESTIMATE WAIT TIME FOR RESULTS…ONE HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES."
"Thanks Blaine," Rangiku said. "That gives us time to do our little Beauty Pageant. ALRIGHT LADIES!" Rangiku shouted. "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"
"Hmm, I thought that the women were supposed to compete in the Beauty Pageant," Aizen said.
"That's how it usually goes," Tosen said. "I guess the women wanted to do a role reversal."
No one saw Mayuri sneak in and set up his cameras to where he could record both what was going on the stage that somehow appeared and with the audience from every possible angle. He made sure that he had a fresh video disc in each camera and then pressed RECORD on his universal remote and sat back to watch.
Likewise, no one saw Sentaro and Chojiro come in and sit at the back of the room. The two men looked confused at how they got there as well, but Chojiro simply explained that it was one of those things with background characters.
"Blaine, if you would be so kind," Rangiku said.
Immediately the lights dimmed and a spotlight shone on the center stage, which seemed to look bigger than it had before. A microphone rose out of the floor and Nanao, dressed in a tuxedo walked to the front. She adjusted her glasses a little and began singing "There She Is Miss America".
Immediately, the curtain behind rose and Aizen's eyes went wide with awe. There, standing like the contestants in a Miss America pageant were all of the missing Arrancars and Soul Reapers. The women were dressed in tuxedos and were holding electric cattle prods. Some of the men seemed to be really enjoying themselves with this while others looked as if they just wanted to run away. Byakuya, who was dressed in a sparkling pink gown, still had his kenseiken and scarf on and looked as if he was about to explode from the shame of being seen in such a way. Ulquiorra, as usual, did not have any reaction, although he did pose a lot in his outfit.
From the back, Yammy clapped and roared with laughter at the sight of seeing his fellow Arrancars dressed in such outfits.
"Holy shit," Aizen said. "I completely forgot that Yammy was here. Ah well, I bet a lot of people did."
"Alright ladies," Harribel said and gestured with her cattle prod. "Front and center and show some leg."
"WAIT SHOULDN'T YOU WOMEN BE THE ONES DOING THIS?" Nnoitora shrieked.
"Now Mistress Nnoitora," Tesla said. "That's no way to talk to the Committee. Surely you wouldn't want to upset Mr. Trump now would ya?"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA TALKING ABOUT? And don't call me Shirley."
"SILENCE!" Nel roared and zapped Nnoitora with her cattle prod. "You will not speak unless you're asked to answer questions. You don't want to be disqualified Miss Spoon-Head"
"THAT FUCKING HURT!"
"If you don't hold your tongue, I'll do it again."
"HA! Looks like the Great Spoon is being pussy-whipped," Grimmjow said, laughing.
"Oh yeah," Nnoitora snarled. "At least I'm not acting like some sort of pansy. And for your information, the name's Miss Spoon-Head…FUCK!"
"Oh you're just jealous because I'm prettier than you," Grimmjow said, laughing.
"Enough, Miss Spoon-Head, you mustn't talk to Miss Kitty like that," Nel said.
"Don't you mean Miss Pussy-Galore?" Nnoitora asked smiling. This only got him another zap from the cattle prod.
"Alright, let's introduce our contestants," Nanao said. "Miss Red-Pineapple. Miss Stuck-Up-Spoiled-Brat-No-Fun-At-All, Miss Doggy, Miss Spiky-Hair…"
Later
"I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and gay
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me today," Gin and Luppi sang as they pranced and frolicked across the stage.
"Oh sweet Aizen, please let this get over soon," Nnoitora snarled.
"Alright, thank you Miss Foxy-Snake-Face and Miss What-Gender-Are-You," Nanao said in her best Ryan Seacrest impression. "Our next duo is Miss Kitty and Miss Emo-Bat, please give them a round of applause."
The women, along with Aizen and Wonderweiss and Yammy applauded. Grimmjow and Ulquiorra bowed and then got in a traditional tango position. Ulquiorra put a long-stem rose in his mouth. Then "La Cumparsita" from Some Like It Hot began and the two danced a perfect tango. Every so often, they would lean in to each other and pluck the rose from the other's mouth. When they were done, the crowd erupted in applause. Mayuri took out his notebook and wrote something in it as he observed the festivities.
"Now, to finish off the evening," Nanao said. "We have our three loveliest contestants, handpicked by the Committee, which includes me, Unohana, Harribel, and Donald Trump."
"Uh…Mr. Donald Trump has nothing to do with this," the Lawyer said. "So, you are not authorized to use his name in any connection with this program."
"Who are you?" Nanao said.
"Oops, I forgot," the Lawyer said and retreated to the back where MJLCoyoteStarrk was shaking his head.
"Okay…" Nanao said. "Anyways, Donald Trump is unfortunately not a member of the Miss Hueco Mundo-Soul Society Committee. But enough of that, let's just get on to the finale. First off we have Miss Sleepy-Wolf."
"Get out there, sexy," Harribel whispered and pushed Starrk onto the stage.
Yammy burst out laughing when he saw that Starrk looked like some kind of 18th Century French Noblewoman at a ball, complete with an oversized feather sticking out his tall pouf that was decorated with songbirds and even a rather large figure of a wolf at the top. He sighed and made a low curtsy as the audience cheered and wolf-whistled at him.
"This is so embarrassing," he muttered before taking his place.
"Next, we have Miss Too-Drunk-To-Get-Any-Work-Done."
Kyoraku leapt onto the stage in a perfect Pas de Chat and landed with perfect technique. He was dressed in a long, flowery kimono. His face was painted in the traditional Geisha manner. How he managed to do a ballet technique dressed like that remains a complete mystery. The audience broke into another frenzy of applause and wolf-whistling.
"Finally, we have Miss Coughs-A-Lot."
Ukitake did a Grand Jeté onto the stage. Like Kyoraku with his Pas de Chat, Ukitake did the execution and landing without a flaw. He wore a flowing pale blue dress with ivory-colored elbow-length evening gloves. His hair was braided and jeweled hair pins sparkled like stars.
"It's good to know that those ballet lessons I had them do paid off," Yamamoto said, applauding.
"You had them take ballet lessons?" Aizen asked.
"Of course," Yamamoto said. "When Chojiro showed me that production of Swan Lake, I figured that it might help with their fighting stances. It's the only Western thing that I've adapted."
"There you have it. Our contestants are now waiting…"
"YOU CAN'T FINISH WITHOUT ME!" Cuuhlhourne shouted and rushed onto the stage, still dressed in his Vegas Showgirl outfit. "I, the Lovely Handsomely Beautiful Gorgeously Gifted Eye-Popping Eye-Gouging Lovely Screaming Charlotte Cuuhlhourne, am the most beautiful creature in all of the worlds."
"Now wait just a minute," Szayel Aporro cried out as he and Aaroniero and Baraggan marched onto the stage, looking like something from an all-male version of Moulin Rouge. "I AM THE PERFECT BEING! That includes being perfect in the beauty department."
"This is insanity," Starrk whispered. "Maybe I'm having some kind of bizarre nightmare."
"Are you suggesting that I'm NOT the most beautiful creature on Earth?" Cuuhlhourne asked.
"Are you kidding me?" Szayel Aporro snapped. "Look at you. You have got to be one of the fugliest creatures on Earth."
"I would have to agree," Yumichika, a.k.a. Miss I-Really-Use-Kido-Peacock, said. "Although I'm the most beautiful creature on Earth, isn't that right, Miss Bald-As-A-Cue-Ball?"
"Shut up," Miss Bald-As-A-Cue-Ball, a.k.a. Ikkaku, growled.
"Now now," Aizen said. "Everyone has the right to participate if they wish. So, I think that they should compete as well."
"You know, if Aizen's found dead, I bet that the murderer would be the same as in Murder on the Orient Express," Grimmjow whispered.
"I didn't think that trash like you knew how to read," Ulquiorra said.
"Of course I know how to read, but I don't go around advertising it."
"Hmm, want to make out?" Ulquiorra asked.
"Huh? Ulquiorra, are you…are you alright?"
"Oh yeah, baby," Ulquiorra said in his monotone voice. "I'm just fine."
"Yeah…right…uh…uh," Grimmjow muttered, suddenly becoming very, very light-headed.
"Now now, ladies, no fun without me," Sung-Sun said and put her cattle prod in between them.
"Uh…what's happening? Why's the room getting all wavy-gravy?" Unohana asked.
"Hmm, this is interesting," Aizen said as suddenly most of the people in the room began exhibiting weird behavior.
"I think we better get out of here while we can," Starrk said.
Kyoraku and Ukitake nodded and the three made their escape. Harribel, however, saw them and chased after them.
"MUSH! MUSH! MUSH YOU HUSKIES!" she cried out using her cattle prod like a whip.
"Oh my," Cuuhlhourne said. "Why is everyone acting so crazy?"
At that moment, Zommari came bursting into the car.
"Okay, who took my brownies?" he asked.
Everyone stopped and looked at him. Then Grimmjow burst out in hysterical laughter and pointed at him.
"Hey…hey everyone…look…it's…it's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," he said laughing.
"What the…?" Zommari asked and looked shocked.
"Hey…hey Captain," Renji said, clinging to Byakuya who was looking at him as though wanting to kill him. "Look at that…he's…he's got like…like a thousand eyes…and…and he's floating."
"DAMNIT, you all ate my brownies, didn't you?" Zommari shouted.
Later
"That should be the last one," Szayel Aporro said as he injected Tesla with some of the medication he made to combat the effects of the drugs in Zommari's "Special Brownies".
"Not quite," Starrk, who was back in normal, street clothes said. "You've got one more," he said and laid Harribel gently on one of the sofas.
"Oh boy," Szayel Aporro said and immediately went to Harribel. "Does she have some kind of favorite toy or something she can cling to?"
"You mean other than Starrk?" Nnoitora shouted out, laughing.
"Hold on," Starrk said and rushed off, careful not to hit Ulquiorra who was recovering by hanging upside down from one of the chandeliers.
He knew that Harribel wouldn't like it if anyone went through her things, except for her fraccion. Unfortunately, her fraccion were all rendered inactive due to the effects that the brownies had on them. He went into Compartment 7, but then remembered that Harribel went into Compartment 17. He went across the hall and found her bag. He picked it up and unzipped it.
"You know it's impolite to go through a lady's things without their permission," Lilynette said.
"Oh…hey Lilynette," Starrk said. "Szayel Aporro wondered if Harribel had a favorite toy and I knew that she wouldn't leave anywhere without her favorite comfort item."
"Oh…I get it," Lilynette said. "Here give me the bag. I'll go through it. She won't mind if another girl goes through it."
"Thanks Lilynette," Starrk said and handed her the bag.
"So, what happened?"
"Apparently, the reason for Bel's odd behavior was the brownies that Sung-Sun brought around. I guess she must have found them somewhere."
"Wait, let me guess, Zommari."
"Zommari," Starrk said, nodding his head. "Turns out they were filled with a very powerful hallucinogen and the effects can vary from person-to-person."
"You didn't eat any, did you?"
"No, I don't really trust anything that I've never had a hand making."
"Good boy," Lilynette said. "Ah, here we go," she said and pulled out a stuff shark. "Hello, Bruce, it's been a while. Anyways, here you go."
"Thanks," Starrk said as he took the stuffed shark that he got Harribel on their trip to Sea World a year before.
"I'm sure she'll be fine," Lilynette said. "Now, the results should be coming back."
"Results?"
"Yeah, the results for the Biggest White-Out Fan test that I took with that old guy. While everyone was going crazy, we actually had a nice conversation about the latest chapters along with Rangiku."
"Well, I'm glad that you're also making friends with some of the Soul Reapers."
"Speaking of which, where are Kyoraku and Ukitake?"
"They're still cleaning up."
"How is that possible? I mean, you got the mother-load of makeup on you."
"I know, but for some reason, they were a bit more…hesitant about taking it off. I bet they think that if they do then those two women would just put it back on them."
"You didn't think about that?"
"Eh…I don't really care; just as long as I don't have to go all day with it on. Well, I better get back."
Starrk made his way back to where most of the passengers were recovering. He was not surprise to see that those who did not eat any of the brownies were in a state of confusion about what happened. Most of them took the opportunity to get back in their street clothes while others just made fun of what happened. Starrk then noticed that Mayuri was sitting at his computer and was actually editing a video of the whole "Pageant".
"Are you sure that this will help raise funds for my research?" Mayuri asked.
"Oh yes," Rangiku said. "When the SWA did something like this, the sales went through the roof."
Starrk decided that he did not want to know what those two were planning. He saw that Szayel Aporro was applying a wet cloth to Harribel's forehead. When he saw Starrk approaching, Szayel Aporro waved him over.
"Did you bring it?"
"Yeah," Starrk said.
"Good," Szayel Aporro said. "From what Zommari told me, she's going to have a very, very rough recovery. Stay here with her and just talk to her."
"Wait…why do I have to do this?"
"Because…you two have spent quite a bit of time together. Now, just stay here and talk to her. That way she won't freak out when she sees the Giant Purple People Eater."
"The what?" However, Szayel Aporro just walked away. "Great…just great," Starrk murmured and turned back to Harribel. "Uh…hey…Bel, I…uh…brought Bruce for you," he said and held out the stuffed shark.
"Brucey?" Bel muttered. "I want my Brucey and my Starrkey."
"Uh…okay…uh…I'm right here…and Brucey's here too," He said and tucked the stuffed shark into Harribel's arms.
"No…no…don't let it get me. Don't let the Giant Purple People Eater get me." Suddenly, Harribel reached out and grabbed Starrk and pulled him in close. "Much better," she said.
"Oh boy."
Compartment 1
Yamamoto and Lilynette sat waiting, but while they were doing that, they were each showing off their collection of White-Out memorabilia that they brought with them.
"Ooh, so you have the official Soul Society Officer's Badge pin?" Yamamoto asked.
"Yep, and I have them for all of the Squads too."
"Even the secretive Secret Security Force?"
"Yes, even for the Secret Security Force. I also have the new poster featuring Chief of Security Randal Gordon."
"Very impressive," Yamamoto said, smiling.
He hated to admit it, but he was finding himself liking some of these Arrancars. He especially felt that Lilynette was the granddaughter he never had. He would have to talk with Aizen about adapting her.
"Alright," Aizen said, entering the Compartment. "The results just came back."
Yamamoto and Lilynette sat up at that.
"Well…" they both said together.
"Well," Aizen said. "It was a tie and…"
"Well…"
"Apparently you two beat the odds. You both got perfect scores."
"EXCELLENT!" Yamamoto and Lilynette shouted together and gave each other high-fives.
"Well…maybe this trip will do some good after all," Aizen said.
Meeting Car
"Huh…where am I?" Harribel asked. "Why…why are you lying on top of me?"
"Oh…uh…hey…you're up," Starrk said, waking up from his own nap. "You uh…what's the last thing you remember?"
"Huh…oh…uh…I remember Sung-Sun bringing some brownies she found in the kitchen. I was talking with Nanao and Unohana about…about Beauty Pageants and how degrading they are to women. Then I can't remember anything after that. Uh…why is Brucey here?" she asked, looking at the stuff shark she was holding.
"Ah, good, another one is up and back to normal," Szayel Aporro said.
"Uh…Granz, why are you wearing that?" she asked noticing that he was wearing a dress and a lot of makeup.
"Oh this was for the Beauty Pageant," he answered and walked away.
"What Beauty Pageant?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know," Starrk said.
"Anyways, why is Bruce here?"
"Well, Szayel Aporro wanted me to bring you something to cling to, and I figured that you would bring Bruce with you."
"Did you go through my things?" she asked, her eyes narrowed.
"Well…I was going to…but then Lilynette came and she looked for Bruce for me."
"Oh, then it's alright," she said and lied back down, clutching the stuffed shark closer to her.
"Uh…why did you name that stuffed shark Bruce?" Starrk asked. He had always been curious about that.
"It's what Steven Spielberg named the mechanical shark he used for Jaws," she said.
"Oh," Starrk said.
"MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE," the voice of Blaine boomed out. "WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE. WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE. ALL PASSENGERS WILL DISEMBARK IN AN ORDERLY MANNER. WHEN I SAY 'ALL PASSENGERS', I MEAN ALL PASSENGERS. YOU MOFOS HAVE REALLY, REALLY DONE A LOT OF DAMAGE TO MY SANITY CIRCUITS."
With that, the intercom fell silent.
"Huh, I wonder where we are," Starrk said and made his way to the window.
He looked out and frowned at what he saw. Right before his eyes was a huge sign decorated in bright colors and balloons and hearts and smiling suns and rainbows and pretty much every tacky and gaudy decoration that you could think of. The words on the sign did not make him feel any better.
THE FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH AND DEPARTURE POINT FOR CAMP SMILEY
COME, COME, COMALLA, YOU'RE JOURNEY'S ALMOST DONNA
WELCOME TO SMILEY TOWN
End of Chapter 4
MJLCoyoteStarrk: How many times do I have to tell you not to let them know that we're here?
Lawyer: Sorry.
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Whatever. At least most of them won't remember seeing us since they were too much "Under the Influence".
Lawyer: Yeah about that...
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Come on, I'm not about to do some PSA thing for you. It's Zommari's fault that he brought his "Special Brownies" with him and not mine. I didn't tell him to pack them.
Zommari: Oh...I didn't know that there was anyone here.
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Oh great, the Great Pumpkin makes his grand entrance. What do you want?
Zommari: The train wants everyone off the train and that includes you two.
MJLCoyoteStarrk: I KNOW!
Lawyer: Now now, there's no need to yell.
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Fine, but let's at least try to blend in. I'm glad this nightmare of a train ride is over.
Lawyer: So am I, but did you have to do that whole thing with the "Beauty Pageant"?
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Yes, because I got stuck and the only thing that got me to get the story moving was a dream that I had where all of the male characters on Bleach were doing a Beauty Pageant with the women dressed in tuxedos and holding electrical cattle prods. And there was a huge plate of brownies on the stage for some reason. I know...I have the weirdest dreams.
Lawyer: Yes...you do. Are you sure that you're not on drugs?
MJLCoyoteStarrk: Other than caffeine and chocolate, no. Maybe I've been too influenced by Monty Python sketches. Anyways dear readers...
Zommari:...thank you for reading and please review while I go make another batch of brownies.
MJLCoyoteStarrk: MAKE SURE TO LABEL THEM THIS TIME! AND PUT A FRICKIN' WARNING LABEL ON THEM TOO! Anyways, next time, the Arrancars and Soul Reapers adventures in Smiley Town and then they head off to the island that Camp Smiley is on. See you then.
A.N.: By the way, that dream I mentioned...it was a real dream that I had.