Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Thanks for the reviews/favorites/follows everyone!

Also, just a quick note- Gaara's birthday is January 19th. Wikipedia tells me most of Japan celebrates New Year's on January 1st, but some places follow the Chinese calendar. Since the Naruto world is only kinda-sorta Japan, I figured I could just have them celebrate it on Chinese New Year (February 10th this year) without much of a problem.

Gaara Gets a Girlfriend

The Agreement

Name: Tora Kagome

Age: 18

Occupation: Legal aide

Likes: Foreign films, philosophy, baking, travel

Dislikes: Going to bars, gossip, people who are too judgmental

Her Ideal Date: Going to a quiet café where we can really talk, taking a walk through the park, maybe stopping for ice cream on the way home

{}{}{}{}{}

"I have some time before I need to get back to my office. Would you like to go for a walk?"

"Sure! We've been having such lovely weather for late December."

Gaara's second date, a lunch engagement at a little café only a few blocks from Kazekage tower, was going much better than the disaster the night before.

Tora Kagome was an intelligent, mild-mannered girl with dreams of someday becoming a lawyer. She was quite friendly, and had a way about her that made Gaara feel at ease; he knew he'd said a few things that could have been construed as strange (like, 'I breed cacti as a hobby. I like them because they're hard to kill, even when I smash the pots.'), but Kagome didn't seem to mind.

She was… likable.

Gaara paid the bill and they set off for the park.

"So, you haven't told me about your family yet. Your brother and sister work with you, right?"

"Actually, they've… decided to take their careers in a new direction. They're both going to return to the field, and function as ninjas again."

"Oh, I see." Kagome smiled at him, and he had a brief, queasy feeling in his stomach. It wasn't wholly unpleasant. Was this what people called 'butterflies?'

"I guess some people are still afraid of you, aren't they?" she asked.

He glanced at her, unsure of how to respond.

"But I'm not… Shukaku." She had stopped walking, and was gazing at him with an intense, hungry look.

"Uh…"

"Shh," she hushed, drawing closer. "You don't need to pretend with me. I understand you."

She rested her hands against his chest and nuzzled her face into his neck, inhaling his scent with a deep, shuddering breath.

"You smell like power," she sighed.

Gaara stood stock still. He wasn't sure what was going on anymore, but he was completely sure he didn't like it. They were drawing looks from passers-by, wondering, probably, why the Kazekage was allowing a strange woman to nibble his earlobe in public.

He cleared his throat and disentangled her hand from his hair. "You misunderstand," he told her firmly. "Shukaku is no longer part of me."

"He was never a part of you, he is you," she insisted, winding her arms around him. "As soon as I looked in your eyes, I knew."

"I…what…"

"Make love to me," she whispered.

"No thank you," said Gaara, attempting to free himself from her embrace as gently as he could. "I just remembered I have a meeting to get to."

She laughed throatily and tightened her grip. "You're being coy," she accused. "Don't tease me, my love."

"We just met."

"I can see into your soul," said Kagome, "and you can see into mine. Can't you feel the bond between us?"

He could feel heat rushing to his face, but he guessed that had more to do with the people stopping to gawk at them than a love connection.

"No," he snapped, shoving her off. "I am leaving."

"My love!" she cried desperately. "I've been waiting for you for so long! How can you treat me this way?"

"I'm not your love!"

She gasped. Tears began filling her eyes. "I knew you could be cruel," she choked out, "you wouldn't be you if you weren't. But-but-"

She broke down sobbing, and then, to Gaara's horror, began taking off her clothes.

"You see?" she demanded tearfully as she stepped out of her skirt. "You see what you're missing?"

"Alright, fine, I see," he said weakly. "Put your clothing back- No, not your underwear!"

Someone whistled.

Gaara had no idea what to do. He had always known there was a possibility he would one day be faced with a naked woman; he had never, in his wildest dreams, imagined that the confrontation would happen on a city street, in the middle of the day, just as the children from the local elementary school were coming outside for recess.

This was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Well, top five, for sure.

The children were crowding around the fence of the schoolyard to watch while two of the teachers tried desperately to herd them back inside- the third teacher stood with his arms crossed, glaring at Gaara in silent condemnation.

Gaara waved to him awkwardly.

"I'M YOUR DEMONIC BRIDE!" Tora Kagome wailed.

{}{}{}{}{}

Name: Hoshi Yoshi

Age: 21

Occupation: Animal control officer

Likes: Vegetarian food, live music, documentaries, men

Dislikes: The senseless and inhumane slaughter of animals for human consumption

Biggest Dream: To see animal cruelty become a capital offense

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To say that Gaara was apprehensive about his third date would have been an understatement.

Tora Kagome, as it turned out, did not have a mental illness, only an obsessive interest in the occult and a habit of taking allergy medication for some extra energy.

"She takes it to stay up to study for her legal classes," her mother had explained to him over the phone. "I've told her a thousand times to stay away from the stuff- she does the strangest things after a few days on those pills.

"Once, she made an official complaint against the postman because she got it into her head he was intercepting her love letters from Count Dracula. Why would Count Dracula be writing her letters, I ask you? The man is a thousand-year-old nobleman living in Transylvania! I'm sure he has better things to do with his time! Anyway, we've petitioned the drug stores to take it off the shelves."

He told her he would be more than willing to sign the petition, but requested that neither her nor her daughter ever contact him directly again.

He'd also fired off several angry messages to Temari and Kankuro, who told him he still had to meet the rest of people they'd chosen, they were sorry, and that they hoped he was alright. Kankuro had also asked him what he thought of Once Upon a Teriyaki, and if he'd like to have his birthday party there this year. Gaara did not dignify that question with a response.

This date, which called for him to take a man by the name of Hoshi Yoshi out for coffee one Wednesday afternoon, couldn't possibly go any worse than the first two, which was why he'd agreed to follow through with it.

He wasn't particularly worried about what people would think, seeing him out with a man; what did worry him was the chance that, like Tora Kagome, this person would want to get to know him intimately.

That was a place to which Gaara had no desire to go.

His date seemed normal enough, when he arrived at the coffee shop.

"Hello," he said, sitting down opposite Gaara. "I'm Yoshi. You must be the Kazekage."

"Yes. It's nice to meet you."

"You too, you too." Yoshi glanced around as though he was looking for something. "So, uh… I've never met someone through a personal ad before."

"Me neither."

"Yeah. Kind of weird isn't it? I was actually surprised you called me back. I'd never thought you were… you know." He made a gesture that might have been obscene, but Gaara couldn't be certain.

"Hmm."

"But, we're here now, and that's the important thing. Let me tell you about myself."

He launched into an explanation not of himself, but of the animal shelter he worked at. Gaara couldn't help but notice that when the waitress came to the table with his tea, Hoshi Yoshi's eyes darted to her abundant cleavage, just for a second.

"So you see, we're really hoping to expand- we really need to expand- but it's just not in the budget right now." He heaved a dramatic sigh. "Oh, if only there was some person who cared about the stray animals in the village and had the authority to give us a grant! All our problems would be solved!

"But that's enough about me. Tell me about you."

"You're not gay," Gaara said bluntly.

He made a valiant attempt at looking offended. "I am gay! I am very gay! I am flagrantly homosexual, sir! Look at these shoes!"

His shoes were very stylish, but footwear alone does not define one's sexual orientation.

"You were looking at the waitress's chest. You're wearing a wedding ring, and the tattoo on your arm says 'Hana.'"

"Oh." Hoshi Yoshi scowled down at his left arm. "Shit."

They were quiet for a moment.

Hoshi Yoshi cleared his throat. "So… uh… any chance we can get that grant to expand the animal shelter? We really do need more space."

"Perhaps. I will look into it, but I cannot make you any promises."

"Alright. Fair enough. Um… not that it's really any of my business, but are you actually gay? I'm just curious."

"No."

"My wife responded to your ad, too, you know, but didn't get called back- I don't suppose that she could... "work" to get a grant?" Hoshi Yoshi waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"No."

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Name: Shinto Chizuko

Age: 19

Occupation: Dutiful daughter of the noble Shinto Clan/Homemaker

Likes: All feminine pursuits, planning ways to make a future husband happy

Dislikes: None/whatever Kazekage-sama dislikes

Note: I am responding to this advertisement on my daughter's behalf. She is a very shy girl, and did not want to be too forward. I hope that you will consider her nonetheless.

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Although they were by no means close, or even very familiar, Gaara and Shinto Chizuko had met several times before.

The Shinto Clan was considered nobility in Suna, and owned almost as much property as the village itself; as a result, they were very nearly as wealthy as the village itself. Slighting their daughter, whether she truly wanted to go out with Gaara or not, just would not do.

He didn't mind Chizuko, really. She was pretty in a generic way, quiet, polite, and considerably less snobbish than her mother, who he, Kankuro and Temari all found insufferable.

They met one Friday evening at an upscale seafood restaurant, black tie required, reservation only.

"Hello, Kazekage-sama," she said with a bow. "How are you?"

"Well enough. You?"

"Just fine, thank you. I think our table is ready."

They exchanged the usual social niceties about their families and the weather until the waiter served their drinks, at which point they both ran out of things to say.

This was the problem with two quiet people being left alone together, Gaara thought. They each wait for the other person to talk first.

He decided to take another stab at discussing the weather, but Chizuko hadn't come up with anything new to say about in the last ten minutes, so they spent the first course in awkward silence.

Although she wasn't saying anything, it was obvious Chizuko was becoming increasingly flustered as she worked her way through her sashimi, her fingers quivering, her eyes focused anywhere but on Gaara, face pale and drawn.

He was beginning to worry that she, too, might faint on him, when she dropped her chopsticks onto her plate and took a deep breath.

"Kazekage-sama," she said in a serious voice, "I am honored that you picked me to bring on a date, but I must be honest with you: my mother responded to your personal advertisement without my knowledge. I have no romantic interest in you. I'm sorry."

"That's alright," he assured her. "My sister took that ad out without my knowledge, and I have no romantic interest in you, either."

"Oh." She relaxed and flashed him a shy smile. "That's good. Well, not good, but you know what I mean. May I ask why you agreed to a date with me, then?"

"It's a public relations thing," he told her. "I've been taking lots of women on dates. It hasn't been very enjoyable."

"I see," said Chizuko. "I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. My mother tries to set me up with men all the time- it gets tiring."

"You aren't interested in getting married?"

She bowed her head and flushed. "I wouldn't say that," she said. "Just not to anyone my mother chooses. You see, I… well, I have found a special person, but they're not someone my family would approve of."

"Oh." An idea was taking shape in Gaara's mind. It was a very good idea, he thought, such a good idea, in fact, that he could have kicked himself for not thinking of it earlier.

So he did kick himself, under the table. He discovered that it was difficult to kick yourself hard enough to make it hurt much. That was probably why no one ever learned lessons from kicking themselves.

He dropped to one knee and Chizuko's eyes widened.

"Shinto Chizuko," he said formally, "will you be my girlfriend?"

She stared at him. "Kazekage-sama," she said, "you don't need to get down on your knees to ask someone to be your girlfriend. That's only when you're proposing."

"I'm proposing that you become my girlfriend."

"Proposing marriage."

"…Oh." He got back into his seat, feeling stupid. TV had never taught him the proper procedure for asking someone to date you exclusively; he supposed it was fortunate that they were sitting in an alcove where no one could see them.

"So- will you?"

"But… I thought we just agreed we're not interested in each other. I don't understand."

"You want to be with someone your family won't allow you to be with; I don't want to be with anyone. We would appear to be a good match to your mother and the rest of Suna. If we pretended to be involved, everyone would be satisfied, and we would be free to do as we pleased."

Chizuko thought about it. "It sounds like a plan out of a romantic comedy," she said finally. "Do you really think it would work?"

"If we were both dedicated to it, then yes."

"Would we have to be… intimate?"

"Of course not."

"Well… alright." Chizuko folded her hands in her lap, looking very lady-like. "I accept. But what will we do if you find someone you do want to be with?"

Gaara snorted humorlessly. He had just screwed up asking someone to be his fake girlfriend; who in the world would ever want to be his real one?

"We can cross that bridge when we come to it."

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Temari and Kankuro had to be the busiest unemployed people in all of Suna.

Besides arranging all of Gaara's dates for him, the task of planning his birthday party had fallen on them, along with the responsibility for the New Year's celebrations. Kaede had always handled these things in the past, and next year, Ine would take over on her own- but after hearing some of her ideas, the siblings had agreed that this year, it would be best to supervise.

It was decided that New Year's would follow the typical pattern of a formal dinner followed by dancing, but everyone got creative with Gaara's birthday.

Ine had been overjoyed when Kankuro mentioned Baki's idea of a more fun, relaxed party, and immediately began making plans for it, most of which involved renting a bouncy castle. Kankuro had suggested going to a restaurant, but after Gaara ignored his query about Once Upon a Teriyaki, he began leaning more towards strippers. Temari insisted that would be inappropriate considering how many important guests would be in attendance, and that it wouldn't be nearly as fun as a murder mystery dinner party anyhow.

They had spent several days going around in circles until finally, Ine had struck pure gold: pool party.

"Everyone loves the beach!" she'd said. "We can fill up the pool, put lots of colorful flowers in there so it looks tropical, maybe get some palm tree decorations or something... and I'll tend bar! It would be awesome!"

Temari and Kankuro agreed that it would, indeed, be awesome, but it also created a lot more work. Finding someone to service a pool in a desert village, in the winter, proved challenging, and then there was the matter of alerting their guests that they would need come in swimwear. Reactions were mixed, to say the least.

But that was behind them now- the invitations were sent, the menu was set, the plan was in motion, and it was time for a karaoke break.

"JOOOOY TO THE WOOORLD! TO AAAALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS! Take it, Temari!"

She plucked her spoon/microphone off the table with a flourish and struck a pose. "JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA-"

"JOY, TO YOU AND MEEEE!" they chorused.

This, like the nickname Coo-Coo Bananas and the real truth about what had happened to the stuffed monkey he'd had when he was six, was just one of those things that they didn't share with Gaara. When they were young, their mother had had a 'Hits of the 70s' cassette tape that she used to play constantly. Kankuro had found the exact same playlist on CD several years ago, bought it, and revived the tradition of warbling along with Three Dog Night, Donna Summer, and ABBA in the evenings.

"IF I WERE, THE KING OF THE-"

"What are you doing?"

Kankuro froze. Temari's microphone clattered to the floor.

"We... uh... what are you doing?"

"I came to inform you that you can cancel the rest of the dates you've arranged," said Gaara. "I have found a girlfriend."

"Really? That's great, man, congratulations!" Kankuro beamed at him in surprised delight. "You went out with Shinto Chizuko tonight, didn't you? Is she... you know, your girl now?"

"Yes."

"I always thought Chizuko was a nice girl," Temari chimed in. "We're glad for you, Gaara. I guess this means she'll be your escort to your birthday party? And New Year's?"

"I suppose so."

They all looked at each other while Chuck Negron proclaimed that he was a high life flyer, a rainbow rider, and a straight shooting son of a gun in the background.

"Okay. So that's great, thanks for letting us know," said Kankuro. "Um... do we get our jobs back now?"

Gaara felt a rush of satisfaction at finally having been asked, but scowled at his brother. "You do not. Good night."

"Good night," called Temari as he left the kitchen.

Kankuro turned to her once they were alone. "That was kind of strange," he pointed out.

"It was."

"He didn't seem very excited."

"He didn't."

"Huh."

They both thought the matter over silently, but there was nothing they could do about it right then.

"Want to sing 'Disco Inferno' next?"

"Fuck yes."