New chapter. I appreciate the reviews. Constructive criticism is welcome as well. No trolls though. I'll also gladly take any suggestions you have. If parts are too weak, not necessary or confusing, please let me know.
I must say its somewhat annoying and odd to refer to Valmet's eyes in singular, since she only has one. Hopefully, will get used to that soon.
Oh, and chapter contains some minor yuri. Enjoy.
Where am I? I look around and ask myself this question, over and over again. Pitch-black. I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around quickly, however no one is present. Shuffling? Where is this sound coming from?
I run for a bit, in this darkness, unable to see where I'm going. I come to a stop as I notice people in front of me listening to someone. No…That's…me? I see myself giving orders to my squad of men who were in Africa with me.
No…Don't….Stop! Don't tell them to guard the village! Tell them to run away! I run towards my past self, thinking I can knock some sense into her, however my body freezes in place. I am only able to move my head and mouth. I try to yell at her, but no voice comes out.
The scenery changes from complete darkness to some plains near a village in Africa. Please…don't let this be- I'm correct. I have to witness my squad's slaughter all over again. Their voices, the sound of their agony, their bodies falling to the ground.
And then, I lose an eye. At that moment, the scenery returns to the black abyss it was in the beginning. My past self is in front of me with a bloody face.
"This is your fault".
I am unable to say anything, only look at her.
"All of this is your fault. You are incompetent. These men would have survived if you were not their leader".
I should get mad. If this was anyone else but me, I probably would have. However, I knew. I knew since the start that it was my fault.
"You couldn't protect your squad. Do you actually think you can protect Koko? Or is it because Koko is more important than these men who trusted you with all of their lives? Then would you throw away their lives a second time if it meant saving Koko?"
I look at myself, baffled. Unsure of what to say.
"You love Koko. But does she love you in turn? Is she not merely trying to find a way to cope with R's death? Let me ask you this: Why didn't you return her kisses last time? You love her, do you not? It's only normal for you to return them. You are pathetic. You...you committed yourself to your squad once and led them around. Which inevitably cost them their lives. However, have you not already committed yourself to Koko? What is there to be afraid of? No. It's not commitment you're afraid of. It's something else. Even you aren't sure of it. You want to keep your distance from her and yet you want her. Make up your mind, Sophia. The more you waver, the more her life will be in danger. You're the one who said "A single moment of doubt or hesitation could mean the end of both us and our boss". Why are you so unsure? You-"
"-Enough."
I am finally able to speak. This person in front of me, she knows the answer to those questions. She is not asking me so that I answer. She is asking me so that I think. The reason I rejected Koko's kisses. Is it worth it? Is it not something silly?
The scene changes again. This time it is a rainy night, in a cemetery. Eight people are standing behind a coffin. Is that…Koko? But I don't understand. Whose funeral would Koko be attending?
"Here lies Sophia Velmer. May she rest in peace".
What? My…Funeral?
My past self shows me what Koko's life would be like if I died, while having distanced myself from her, and what it would be like if I died while we were together. Both of them were destructive. The former had the entire squad dead by ten years time and Koko alone, mentally and emotionally scarred, no longer showing even an ounce of emotion, while the latter was her being self destructive and causing wars and mass genocides all around the world.
Both scenarios seem more than a little silly. Of course they are. It's not like these would actually happen. What I was shown were two possibilities in a span of countless millions. What would happen to Koko with my death is not something that can easily be figured out, because Koko herself is a very confusing person.
However, I know full well that dying while I am closer to her would be more painful than when I am distanced.
"Think what you want, Sophia. But remember, sometimes, being selfish isn't a crime."
She vanishes, and the scenery changes once more.
This time it's a cabin up north in the winter. The door opens and I notice who it is. Koko.
"Vaaaaaalllmeeeeeettttt! What's taking so long?"
I look to my left and see myself carrying logs.
"Sorry Koko! I wasn't sure how much we needed". I place them on the floor once I get inside the cabin.
"Mmmm…"
"What is it Koko? Why are you smiling like that?" My dream like self tries to inquire.
Koko flings herself into my arms and gives me a quick kiss.
I smile at her. "Koko…" I am about to whisper something, but she stops me with another kiss. This time a passionate one. I lift her up and carry her to the living room as we keep kissing. I accidentally drop her a bit too hard on the couch and I hear "Owww!" from her.
"Ah…I'm so sorry, Koko!" I say as I slowly get on top of her.
"Haha! You get clumsy at times like these don't you? It's ok, Valmet."
I am blushing. Madly. She continues. "I like this side of you. It's very cute."
Before I can answer, she locks our lips again. I want more. I want to kiss all of her. Touch her. Feel her. Love her. I want to make her mine.
"Koko…" I've started to breathe heavily.
"Valmet…please…" she looks at me with a flushed face, "please…take me. Make me yours."
I realize that I am now a part of this dream like sequence. I am on top of Koko, who wants to give herself to me. And I want her. However, I am unable to move. Deep down, I know this isn't real. Which is why, I am wondering. Is indulging myself here, wrong? Koko…What should I do?
"Why are you having doubts? Isn't this what you've always wanted?" I look at her, somewhat shocked. "Aren't I what you've always wanted? You're afraid! You don't want to get too close to me in fear that you'll hurt me. I've been hurt plenty of times before, Valmet. If you're so afraid of hurting me, why don't you just leave? Leave HCLI and go back to Finland. Deep down, that's what you really want, isn't it?"
"Ko..ko..?"
"You promised to devote yourself to me after you dealt with Chen. And now you're running away again. I don't want someone who will leave whenever life gets a bit complicated. Go away Valmet. You are useless. I don't want to see you anymore". She pushes me off of her, gets up and starts walking away as the scenery changes to complete darkness. This is senseless. I know none of this is real, yet I cannot help but go with the flow.
"Koko? Koko?...Koko! Please wait!" I run after her. She is walking, I am running. I should be able to catch up. However, for some reason, I am unable to. The distance between us lengthens up until the point where I no longer see her. "Koko! Let me explain! Please! Koko! Don't leave me! I'm begging you! KOKO!"
I open my eye with a start. My heart is beating fast. Very fast. I try to calm down. I look up at the ceiling while thinking about the dream I had. Unfamiliar….Where am I? I look around, but it's fairly dark. I can barely see anything. It must be night out. I eventually realize I am in a hospital room. Why? My right hand is bandaged and I feel dizzy. What happened to me? I look next to me, and see Lutz, sleeping soundly, head and arms on the bed. I ruffle his hair a bit.
I hear him mumble in his sleep "Sis…Wake up…soon...So we…can play…some paintball…uuhmmm…together". I giggle, put my head back down on the pillow, close my eye and think to myself as I return to sleep.
Our job is a death sentence if we aren't too careful. With every new job Koko takes, the chances of us dying grow ever more. Koko…I would give up my life if it meant your never-ending safety. Being with you would cause you more pain than happiness. I can die at any moment. I do not want you to ever have to go through the pain of losing a lover. Distancing myself from you…seems like the best idea. I don't want to. I want to be with you. I want to love you. Take care of you. But I dont want to see you pained. That is why; I am hoping the kisses you gave me were a way to cope with R's death. I want to think to myself that you would have done the exact same thing if it was Lutz or say Jonah, who was on the rooftop that day.
As I am about to fall back to sleep, the door is flung open and Jonah runs in. Lutz is startled awake.
"Jonah! 'the hell? Sis is trying to…"he looks at me "…sleep…SIS! You're awake!"
I'm too busy looking at an angry Jonah to pay attention to Lutz.
"Jonah? What's the matter?" I ask.
He doesn't answer. He runs to me and hugs me tightly.
"Jonah, I need an answer. What's going on?" I pet the back of his head to have him calm down.
He grabs onto my hospital gown. He…looks just like a child. Hah, sometimes I forget he actually is one. He slowly starts talking.
"Koko…." What about Koko? Did something happen to her? I start getting worried. He grabs onto me a bit stronger than before.
His anger…has it turned to fear? He is trembling.
"Valmet….Koko…is….you are…going to be replaced…"
"WHAT? JONAH! What are you talking about? There's no way the princess would replace Sis!" Lutz yells.
"She…-"
Jonah is talking. He's arguing with Lutz. I can't hear what they are saying. I am still stuck on his previous words. You are going to be replaced…Re…placed….
I can no longer think. Am I actually being replaced? Is this a part of Koko's schemes? What's going on? These questions completely slip my mind. I grab at the bed sheets tightly with my injured hand. The pain will stop the tears. I cannot cry. I will not cry. I flop my head back down on the pillow and look at the ceiling. The very interesting ceiling. I will not cry.
As I repeat this to myself, my only eye glistens while I stare hard at the same ceiling.
Thanks for reading! Will update soon.