I looked at Peter incredulously. What was he talking about, juvy? I couldn't go to juvenile hall. I hadn't really been busted for anything for weeks. This was my punishment. I thought. "What do you mean?" I asked Peter trying not to show my fear.
Peter looked at me in a somewhat sympathetic way- for a guy who probably hated my guts right then- "I mean when you got caught with the pot and you got sent here- it was just temporary. The judge wanted you to go to juvenile hall for a year. But your parents lawyer got it so you could come here. But if you screwed up once you'd get sent to juvy." I sat there dumbfounded. I couldn't go to jail. I couldn't. "I'm sorry Alicia but that's the way it is. Maybe now you'll try to cooperate?"
This was my worst nightmare. Having to tell someone every horrible thing I had done. Why my parents hated me so much. Why I was the way I was. I weighed out my choices. Tell Peter what he wanted to know or spend the next year of my life in prison. I chose the latter. "Fine. What do you want to know?"
"Why have you been doing drugs?" Peter asked me.
I looked down at my shoes and closed my eyes. "Great. Just jump right in there." I said. Peter looked at me and I knew I was pushing it. I sighed, "Because I can escape."
"Escape what?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Everything. My parents, pain, life in general."
"Alicia, avoiding life isn't going to help. You need to face your problems not hide from them." Peter told me. I didn't know what to do or say. I had never been in this situation before. I never let anyone know anything and it was new territory. I hated not being in control. Peter had been here before, though, and he knew exactly what to do. "What pain are you escaping from?"
I sat in that chair in Peter's office almost crying remembering everything. Things I hadn't thought about in so long. The only times I did think about it was when I was too high to really think clearly. "Everything. Everything I've done to everyone." I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. I remembered where I was and what was happening and suddenly I got mad. "There I made some headway. Now I won't go to juvy. Can I leave now?"
"No." Peter said firmly. "Telling me things and starting to change are two totally different things."
"Then how do I start changing?" I asked.
Peter stared at me for a minute. "By wanting to." He stopped for a minute and then grabbed some papers. "You can go eat dinner. You have group afterwards. I want to see you there."
"Fine." I muttered getting up and leaving his office. What was happening to me? I was telling him things. He knew stuff. He knew why I did the drugs. Sure, not completely and not everything but he knew stuff. And sooner or later I was going to have to tell him everything. It was either that or jail. Maybe jail wouldn't be so bad. I shook my head at the thought. I had friends who went to juvy. They told me stories about how the guards treated them like dirt and didn't care what happened to you. They didn't treat you like an individual. And then when you got out you usually had a parole officer who didn't treat you any better. One screw up and they were more then happy to send your sorry ass back to jail. Looking at it that way Horizon seemed a million times better then juvy.
When I got to the dining room I grabbed some food and sat in a corner. I couldn't believe I'd only been at Horizon for two days and already this crap was being thrown at me. Peter was right when he said I was skipping my easy week. As I was thinking this and staring out the window Shelby dropped her tray on the table and sat down with it. The Cliffhangers were all with her. "I told you not to mess with Peter." she said.
"Whatever." I grumbled.
Shelby apparently didn't get the hint that I didn't want to talk to her because she kept talking. "So- what did Peter want?"
"Nothing." I told her.
Auggie joined the conversation. "How bad did you get it for running?"
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. '"I didn't run." I told him. "I went for a walk."
"And accidentally lost track of time?" Juliet asked.
I gave her an evil look. "No, I knew what time it was."
"So you were going to blow off Peter?" Shelby asked.
"No. I was going to be late. That's all. Don't you guys have anything better to do then to bug me?"
Juliet smiled at me. "Not really." she said. I rolled my eyes and went back to moving around the food on my plate. Occasionally I would look out the window and watch the leaves blowing around.
It made me remember when I was with my grandparents in their backyard and my grandpa was raking leaves. He would get a big pile put together and tell me to go for it and I would jump in. The smell of those leaves was both disgusting and incredible. Then we would go inside and my grandma would have fresh apple cider and ginger snaps waiting for us. That seemed like so long ago. I wanted to go back to that time when nothing mattered except the size of that pile of leaves.
Dinner was ending and everyone was gathering in the rec room for group. Peter stood at the front of the room handing out pieces of paper to everyone that entered the room. I didn't look at mine until after I was sitting on a chair by myself. It was a survey type thing with all these questions we were supposed to answer. Questions about ourselves.
"You're probably wondering why I gave you guys these questionnaires." he said. I wanted to say not really but I bit my tongue. "I want you guys to answer these tonight and give them back to me tomorrow night at group. I want you to answer them truthfully. No one will see them but me." We were all looking at our papers seeing what horrible things we were going to have to fess up to. It didn't look too bad. Things Peter probably already knew about us. "But for tonight we're going to talk about anger. What makes you angry. Why it makes you angry and how to deal with that anger. How many of you have ever been angry?" Everyone raised their hands. "Okay, how many of you have done something destructive with that anger?" Again, we all raised our hands. "Now, how many of you have ever done anything productive with that anger?" Nobody raised their hands. Peter nodded and smiled. "One of the things we want you guys to learn while you're here is to make something good come from something bad."
"What if we're too angry to want to make something good from something bad?" Auggie asked.
Peter pointed at Auggie while pacing the room in that way teacher's have. "That has to do with control. We talked about control a few days ago. Right now I want you guys to recognize your anger..." The whole group session was really dull and I found myself completely zoning out. After group I went up to my dorm while all the girls were somewhere hanging out together. I wanted to fill the stupid questionnaire out while I was alone.
I was right. The whole thing was stuff Peter must have known from looking through our folders. I actually did answer honestly for most of the questions. But the last one. The last one got me.
Do you feel you need to do drugs/physically harm yourself/etc to be yourself?
I took a minute before answering. Did I? This was the first time I ever truly thought about what I did and why I did it. I didn't have an answer right away. But it came to me. And I did answer honestly.
I don't know.
If it wasn't a good enough answer for Peter then sucks for him. But it was all I had.