The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask – Supercondensed

Part four: Third day

Link went on his IMPORTANT QUEST to start wasting TIME because he had nothing better to DO. He decided to COLLECT RUPEES because he needed to buy a PIMPIN' NEW RIDE.

Link: I wonder if they make limo-horses.

Link started by MUGGING THE MAILMAN.

Link: Gimme money!

Postman: THIS IS NOT ON SCHEDULE. I'M A PUBLIC SERVANT.

And since public servants have NO NEED for pathetic CASH MONIES, Link decided to BREAK STUFF.

Link: My favorite way to make money.

Tatl: What are you doing?!

Link: I do it all the time…no one ever gets mad…

Suddenly a BIG FAT DEMON LADY came and ASSAULTED Link with WORDS.

Anju's Mother: WHY DO YOU BREAK MAH POTS?! AH KEEL YEW.

Link: OH MY GOD. (runs)

Link outran the OVERWEIGHT KILLING MACHINE all the way into West Clock Town, where some CREEPY BEGGAR GUY was.

Bank person: MONIES PLZ

Link: Uh. 'Kay.

Bank person: I STORE DE MONIES FOUR YEW FOUREVAR SO I'LL STAMP YOUR FACE NOW (he PUNCHED Link in the forehead, leaving an INVISIBLE MARK SOMEHOW.)

Link: Ow!

Link decided to NOT KILL the guy, instead opting to CON PEOPLE out of their MONIES.

Link: Give me money and I won't kill you.

Anju's mother: Oh take it all! Just don't use my poor defenseless body! Oh PLEASE!

Link: …Uh, kay?

FINALLY it turned to MIDNIGHT despite the fact that it had only taken UNDER TWENTY MINUTES.

Link: Sweet.

The clock did some TRANSFORMERS STUFF, because it wanted to say hi to the CRAZY MOON OF ASPLOSIONS.

Link: Come, Tatl! We must be off!

Link flew up to the CLOCK STAIRWAY THING and met up with the SKULL THING and RINGING BALL NUMBER TWO.

Skull Kid: Miiiiister Link…did you get the package?

Link: …Whoa.

Tatl: Can we get on with this?

Tael: Swamp. Mountain. Ocean. Valley. The four who are there, bring them here.

Skull Kid: STAY IN LINE HO. (pimp slap)

Tatl: Hey! No one slaps my brother except me!

Skull Kid: Oh really? What if I do this!?

The MASKED SKULL BRAT yelled out at the HAPPYTIMEDEATHMOON and made it FLY DOWN.

Moon: HUG TEIMS NOW!

Skull Kid: Ohh, what now, bitch!?

WHATSITSFACE laughed at its INSANE DECISION to kill itself with the MAGICAL GRINNING MOON THING.

Link: Well, if I'm gonna die anyway, I wanna annoy him with my skills.

Link shot a BUBBLE at the SKULL KID WITH THE POWERS OF A GOD, managing to STUN him. What the HELL.

Link: Whoa…I'm magic. (takes the ocarina)

The DRUGS Link found in the Lost Woods SUDDENLY took effect, as he started to have a FLASHBACK that was all GLOWY AND STUFF.

Link: Damn! Tripping out…!

Zelda: Link…this song always will remind me of us…

Link: If you play Zelda's Lullaby one more effing time I will kill you.

Zelda: Alright, FINE. Song of Time then so you won't forget it!

Link: What am I, two?

Zelda: (played the song you'll hear through HALF THE DAMN GAME) Now then…let's get busy…

Link: Whoo-ho---

Link was SUDDENLY WOKEN UP by his DEMONIC FAIRY PUFFBALL.

Tatl: Dammit, stop daydreaming! That crappy thing won't help us! Oh, Goddess of Time, I want to have more time! I'm still a virgin!

Link: MAN! You interrupted it at the sexy part! That's it, I'm going to deafen you all.

Link went to use his INSTRUMENT and pulled out DR. SEUSS PIPES.

Tatl: What. The. Hell.

Link: …Okay, that's it. I'm going to say it. This mouth really is made for blowing.

Tatl: I think my IQ just went down.

Link started BLOWING HIS WOODEN HEART OUT, and somehow managed to play the SONG OF CLOCKS.

Link: Nifty.

And then Link and WHATSHERFACE were BLINDED by SHINY LIGHTS and fell down a HOLE FILLED WITH CLOCKS FOR SOME REASON.

Link: Who the hell thought this was a good idea!?

Miyamoto: (thumbs up)