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Clyde was trying to sleep. It wasn't easy. As the previously second fattest kid in south park he'd been sweating it out the past couple days just waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Maybe, now that he was nearly eighteen he'll count as one of the adults, he was pretty sure there were fatter adults than him. I mean, he wasn't even THAT fat, compared to Cartman's near spherical body he was just a pleasant pear shape.
He pulled his blankets over his head and tried to drown out the obtrusive thoughts with thoughts of cheerleaders. Beautiful scantly clad cheerleaders, not too skinny and not too picky about the men they want to be with. Yesss. His eyes started to droop when a strange clatter woke him up.
He looked around. There was someone in his room! Who ever it is was crouched in front of the electric socket in the corner.
"who's there?" He said pulling up his blanket.
A strange light emitted from in front of the crouched person.
"Who are you?" clyde asked again, voice getting urgent. Heart beating against his chest.
The person stood up and turned around he still couldn't see who it was as the light cast it's face into shadow.
"I'm gonna call the cops!" He threatened trying to gouge whether he could make it to the door before he was raped and killed by his mysterious assailant.
"Ooh you don't have to be scared anymore, poopsie, I put up your nightlight." it said in a sweet feminine voice walking up to him.
He realized who it was. "M-Mrs Cartman?"
She stood by his bedside and tucked him in. "Mommy's here..." She assured him planting a kiss on his forehead.
"..huh?"
Then she left...
via the window.
"what the hell..?" Clyde muttered to himself.
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Butters fidgeted with the motorbike keys in his hand. He had his very own motor bike, the thought still amazed him.
sure, he'd have to give it back, keeping it was wrong...but if only for a little while he had his own motor bike.
He wanted to be out there right now riding on the open highway instead he was here, in a boring art museum.
He sighed. "Why are we here, Eric?"
"Cause I'm a genius!"
Butters blinked a few times. "you ARE?" He asked overcome with shock.
Eric narrowed his eyes then groaned "Gawd! What the fuck is wrong with you, Butters? Of course I am! Listen..." He put an arm around Butters and pulled him close. "We're trying to avoid Scott, right?"
"We are?"
"Right!" Eric continued hearing whatever he wanted to hear. "And I know that he knows pretty much everything there is to know about me."
"He does?"
"yea, I dunno why. He's..in love with me or something..."
Butter thought about that sentence, it left horrible images seared into his mind. "..Um, yuck"
Eric nodded "I know, I know. That's why I'm here, Butters, I would never be caught dead in an Art museum"
"But we're in an Art museum right now, Eric!" Then it dawned on him "Oooooh!" He looked at Eric in a new light "boy, your clever, Eric"
"Told you I'm a genius!"
Butters went back to playing with the motorbike keys. "so, how long do we have to stay here?"
Eric Cartman's eyes snapped open "shit." He muttered under his breath. He hadn't thought of that...
"How long-?" Butters started asking again.
"Shut up!" Eric snapped. "Look, the place has a mother fucking restaurant AND a gift shop we can stay here forever!"
"But I don't wanna live her forever! Where will we sleep?"
"Anywhere we want. I'm sure one of these stupid exhibits looks like a bed."
Butters pouted and shoved the keys into his back pocket.
They spent the day wandering around the museum.
"Everybody here looks so neat and tidy" Butters complained to Eric's unresponsive ear. "I haven't had a bath in DAYS! T-They probably all can smell me..." He hugged himself looking around at the happy museum goers, the thought of them smelling him gave them a sinister voyeuristic quality. "can YOU smell me, Eric?"
That's when he realized that Eric wasn't just unresponsive he was gone!
"Eric?"
He looked around. where could he have gone? "Eric!"
He started to worry, what if something happened to him? What if Scott got him! He should've been paying more attention to his boyfriend! He was responsible!
"ERIC!"
A woman grabbed his wrists, stopping him "shutupshutupshutup!" She hissed.
He looked at her through watery eyes "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm just looking for my guy. H-have you seen him?"
"it's me, you retard!"
Butters looked at the woman. "...Eric?" Eric was very good at dressing up like a lady, apparently. The hair that Butters had been wearing just earlier today was now on Eric's head. except on Butters it had looked like a tattered dead thing on Eric it looked like a tasteful souffle of hair. He must've been wearing a corset of some sort because his usually spherical body was toned downed to a bulbous hour glass. He was wearing a red dress with a low neckline that stopped just under the knees, it was the low neckline that really astounded Butters. Maybe it was the corset or the cut of the dress that picked up Eric's man breasts and squeezed them together so tight it formed a tasteful bit of cleavage.
"My eyes are up here!" snapped Eric, pursing his lipstick laden lips together.
"..E-Eric, why...are you dressed like a..." He struggled to find the right word "like a lady?"
"cause I'm a genius!" He said again, sticking out his chest proudly, bringing Butters attention back to the cleavage.
"I thought I saw Scott." continued Eric. "so I put on this DEVILISH disguise! What do you think? no-one will ever guess it's me."
"devilish.." Muttered Butters under his breath.
Eric looked bored for a second. "I'm starving" he announced loudly. "Where's the restaurant?"
"uh..I'll g-get the door for you!" Butters stuttered tripping over himself to get to the door.
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sure, it hurt like hell. the corset cut into him like a razor blade. breathing was becoming a chore, but no genius disguise was without it's downsides.
Besides he'd passed several mirrors and reflective surfaces on his way to the restaurant and he found himself VERY attractive.
"I don't have any money though, Eric, you took it all" Butters whined to him.
"I KNOW, Butters" He took it for a reason, Butters is less likely to wander without any money. "I'll pay."
"oh, that's nice of you, Eric"
"Just don't pig out!"
They sat down on a table for two.
"What are you going to order?" Butters asked him happily.
Cartman looked at his menu, everything seemed good with an exception of a few soups so he might as well have everything.
An infuriatingly happy waitress skipped over to their table. "hi! Are you two ready to order?"
"I dunno.." Muttered Butters frowning at his menu.
"Yes, yes we are!" Cartman cut in. "I'll have the steak...and the shrimp...and the gourmet burger. yea..."
The waitress blinked "is that... all?" She asked hesitantly.
"He'll have some bread sticks" Cartman continued gesturing at Butters.
"but I.." Butters tried to interject.
"Like you'll eat more than that!" Cartman snapped.
The waitress smiled at them nervously, she knew it was stereotypical thought but she couldn't help but worry that the fat demanding woman was planning to eat her skinny suitor in due time. She tried to banish the thought and be nice "so you two having a nice date?"
they both stared at her, eyes wide, then at each other. The blond boy's eyes trailed a little lower...
Cartman slammed his menu down on the table "Dammit, woman! Go get our orders already!"
The waitress scurried away, terrified.
Butters pouted at Cartman. "You don't have to be so mean all the time, Eric"
"yea I do"
"nuh-uh"
"uh-huh" Cartman leaned closer "Listen, you're a nice guy, Butters..."
"aw, gee thanks!"
"I'm not complimenting you. You suck. You're a nice guy so you let people walk all over you. It sicks me out just watching you."
"oh..." Butters looked down at his knees, forlorn, then back up at Cartman "I'm not ALWAYS nice! I can be very evil sometimes"
Cartman lifted an eyebrow quizzically "When? When you wear that aluminum foil hat and run around acting like a dork?"
"No! I don't do that anymore!" He said defensively. Frankly his professor chaos crusades have dumbed down to merely stealing grapes from the supermarket.
"well, when?"
Butters knocked his knuckles together nervously like he couldn't bring himself to utter his horrible crime. "Sometimes..." He stopped glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "Sometimes I TAP DANCE!"
Silence.
"W-Without my shoes on, of course." Butters quickly reassured him.
Cartman tried to hold back his laughter the thought of Butters tap dancing silently was hilarious "That's it? That's evil?"
Butters glared at him with a look so serious Cartman couldn't hold back anymore.
"hahahahahahah!"
"It's serious, Eric! People could get KILLED!"
"hahhahaha so?"
"Well you don't just let people get killed, Eri-" He stopped realizing who he's talking to. "You know... If you were nicer from the start we wouldn't be hiding here..."
Cartman narrowed his eyes "What are you saying, Butters?"
"Well if you didn't ...do that to Scott you wouldn't have to be so scared of him"
"Scared? Scared! I'm not scared! If that rat bastard shows his face around here I'd sock him one in a second!...'Cept... He's a wily one, that Scott..." Cartman trailed off. Then his attention and wrath turned back to Butters. "I'd rather deal with Scott than be anything like you!"
"T-then why do you like me?" Asked Butters biting his lip.
More silence. awkward heavy suffocating silence.
Cartman's mind raced, something to like about Butters, could he like his simpering looks? His almost blinding stupidity? His lanky body? God! there was nothing TO like about Butters but he had to think of something or Butters will realize something!
"ummmm. I gotta go to the bathroom" Announced Cartman getting up.
"Oh! okay."
And with that he made his escape.
Hopefully by the time he comes back Butters little mind would have forgotten the whole thing. He sighed. He was exhausted ever since he'd been banished everyday has just been one thing after the other. He missed sleeping in a bed. At least back home he'd have been in control of the situation.
He wandered through the museums corridors. Art didn't interest him at all. Paintings were only worth a glance if someone was getting killed in them.
He paused in front of a painting of two angry women chopping off a man's head. The look of complete and utter shock on the man's face SHOULD'VE made him laugh but...
God, that lady with the sword looks just as hell bent as Scott is. That's life, isn't it? One minute your sitting down for a complementary shave from your wife and the next your squirting blood all over the mattress.
Cartman rubbed his neck. He couldn't help but feel a shadow of the sensation of a cold knife ripping through his flesh.
You should have been nicer, he says. You don't just let people get killed, he says. Damn that Butters! Like he knew anything.
Cartman put some distance between him and the painting. Maybe he should head back as much as he hated Butters' guts right now he'd feel a lot safer next to him than here, alone, exposed, standing in front of a painting that seemed to be predicting his death.
He was walking back toward the restaurant, walking as fast as he could without looking like he was running when something snagged the back of his dress, no, it was someone, someone with warm sweaty hands was grabbing hold of his dress's neckline from behind.
He barely had time be startled when he was pulled into a room and thrown to the ground hitting his head on the floor.
"Rape!" He gasped as loudly as he could but the wind had been knocked out of him and stars were flashing before his eyes.
"In your sick little dreams..." It was Scott!
Cartman tried to pull himself up but couldn't. his head was swimming and he had to resist the urge to throw up.
"I wouldn't move too fast if i were you" Scott hissed "You probably have a concussion"
You know Scott's voice wasn't always this fucking scary. Once upon a time he sounded like a normal teenager. Cartman had a theory that Scott spent all the time between their first meeting and the second gargling acid just to scare him.
"Fuck off, you asshole!" He moaned rubbing the back of his head.
Scott crouched over him, smiling. Without much warning he grabbed a handful of Cartman's hair and slammed his head back onto the tiled floor.
"Look at you.." He cupped one of Cartman's chins in his hand. "You look just like your mother... A TOTAL SLUT!" and with that he punched Cartman in the gut. Cartman yelped. He tried to struggle out of Scotts grip but his arms were like iron bars, he dug his nails into the hand that was tangled in his hair but didn't seem to have any effect.
"Let go! Let go!"
Scott leaned over his Half brother "THIS time you're dead, Eric!" He whispered in his ear.
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Butter fidgeted uncomfortably. he couldn't wait for Eric to come back and answer his question.
Boy, he sure has been gone for quite awhile. The food was already here, he'd eaten his bread sticks and was watching Eric's meals cool.
Butters started to worry. How long did it take a woman to go to the bathroom anyway?
Wait, what?
Maybe he should go check on him. Was it okay to just leave without paying? he was PLANNING to comeback... maybe he should pay the check.
Eric's purse was still here, it was the only reassurance that he was going to return.
He picked it up, maybe he could pay real quick and go look for Eric, who knew he might be in trouble.
While he was rifling through the purse his hand touched something cold and hard. He jumped.
It was a gun!
He quickly closed the purse and looked around, startled. Did anyone else see? well they couldn't have, could they? He tried to calm himself down.
Of course Eric had a gun. Frankly Butters should be glad that's all that's in there. Ever since they were nine Eric had the uncanny ability to procure arms.
He opened the purse again, tentatively, like he was expecting the gun to jump out at him, and grabbed Eric's wallet. He was greeted with pictures of Eric's cat, Mr. Kitty. He stared at them. There was a picture of a younger Eric and his mom. Aw he sure looked cute, in a morbidly obese way. There weren't any pictures of him in there.
Butters snapped out of his reverie.
He waved a waitress over "E-excuse me! Check please!"
She looked at the empty seat across from him and the uneaten meals. "Aw, you're date ditched you, huh?"
"um..ah..m-maybe..."
"I'm sure you can do better than her" She said, trying to cheer him up "She was mean!... And fat."
"Th- Thank you." Muttered Butters paying the check and getting up. His mind kept going back to the gun nestled innocently inside Eric's purse. it made him uneasy "good bye!" He said over his shoulder as he left.
He searched the corridors for his lost boyfriend, currently girlfriend, holding the purse with a gun in it..well, like a purse with a gun in it. There was an unmistakable air of guilt hovering over him.
Thankfully there weren't many people about.
he was in a lonely hallway when he stepped in a wad of hair. Eric's wig!
He looked around there was only one door in this hallway.
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Scott pulled out a Knife. Up until now it had only been fists.
"You know the BEST thing about this is I'm probably doing the world a favor. Don't you think so, Eric?"
Cartman didn't reply. oh, he wanted to, he just couldn't he couldn't even move. He wasn't even that hurt but his body refused to respond. All he could do was watch the knife hovering inches away from him and wait for death.
BAM. BAM. BAM.
The noise made him jump out of his skin snapping him out of his stupor. It scared Scott too who dropped his knife.
"Eric? Are you in there?"
Cartman had never been so glad to hear Butters voice.
"BUTTERS! Thank god! It's Scott he's-"
Scott lunged at him putting a hand over his mouth.
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Butters stepped back from the door. Scott! oh no! The door was locked and there wasn't anyone around to help what should he do?
His thoughts went back to the gun.
He could use it to shoot the lock off the door. but, it'd be dangerous and..and..
At this very moment Eric was probably being killed.
He pulled out the gun. Determined he aimed at the lock.
POW!
He was light so the force threw him backwards and into the wall behind him. But at least the door opened he ran in holding the gun in front of him.
Scott had been choking Cartman up until he noticed the gun.
"S-shoot him, Butters!" Croaked Eric "Shoot him to kingdom come!"
Butters aimed the gun at Scott automatically, somehow Eric's commands tended to bypass his brain. He stopped just short of pulling the trigger.
What was Eric thinking? He couldn't just shoot someone even if it was Scott and Scott was pure evil, according to Eric.
Scott stared at him, his expression unreadable.
"come on, shoot him!" Hissed Eric inching away from his half brother. "It's him or us!"
Butters knew the only thing that was keeping Scott from attacking was the gun aimed at him, but he couldn't bring himself to shoot him.
His heart was pounding into his ribcage so hard he thought it might shatter. His palms were so sweaty he was sure the gun would just slip out of his grasp like a bar of soap if this went on, And Scott was eying him like a snake eyes a mouse.
Then Scott smiled, it was a slow deliberate smile that sent shivers down Butters' spine just wondering what he was smiling about.
By now Eric had crawled his way from where Scott was standing to Butters' feet, he glared up at Butters. "Give me the gun, Butters! you obviously don't know how to use it!"
Before Eric could snatch the gun away from Butters the alarm sounded. Someone must've heard the gunshot.
"Shit!" Cartman swore "Run!" He barked taking to his heels.
Now THAT Butters could do. He shoved the gun back into the purse and ran as fast as he could after Eric.
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Kyle was bored. He didn't know why but he felt purposeless, like he had no meaning in the world anymore. He sighed he couldn't deny it anymore...
He needed a new video game.
He was standing in front of the game shop. Window shopping with Stan and Ike, Kenny was dead, he had apparently died of boredom, and Craig and his gang, well ...
"Craig and his pals suck, huh?" snorted Stan.
They really couldn't stand those guys for long, every single plea to do something interesting had been met with a cold, nasally "no."
"yea, Dude" kyle agreed. "Sucked hard."
He pointed at a Wii game. "That one! That's the one I want!"
Stan squinted at the price. "You sure, Dude? It's kinda pricey..."
"Yea, I NEED something to do or I'll end up like Kenny."
"But do actually have that much money?"
Kyle bit his lip "Well, no..." He glanced at Ike, his little brother, who by now was twelve years old and as annoying as heck. He'd have money on him, Ike saved money like was expecting another ressesion.
"Hey, Ike, can I borrow some money from you? you got tons"
Ike glared at him with his little beady eyes "nuh uh!"
"Aw, Dude come on!"
"No fucking way, Kyle!"
"your being a cheapskate, Ike!"
"Getchur own money!"
Kyle gritted his teeth together "Aw come on, Ike! DON'T BE SUCH A JEW!"
He stopped. The world stopped. Slowly Kyle's hands came up to cover his mouth.
"Dude..." Said Stan, reproachfully.
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Luckily, no one stopped them on the way out. mostly because Cartman had been screaming "there's a man with a gun in there!" to throw people off.
He climbed onto their motorbike. He really, really wanted to be the one driving cause sitting in the back was gay, but Butters squeezed himself between Cartman and the steering handles and started the engine.
He could've argued but he just wanted to get out of this place so he buried his head in Butters' skinny back and held on tight.
It..felt good actually. After nearly dying Butters felt so REAL.
They drove for awhile and stopped near the creek, exhausted.
"We should hide..." muttered Cartman, bleary eyed, getting off the bike.
"O-okay." Butters put one hand around Cartman, his other hand was leading the motorbike. "We can hide under that bridge."
"What if I get gang raped by hobos?" Carman held the ridiculous misconception that everybody wanted to have their way with him. He sighed he was too tired to walk any further. "Fine! Whatever!"
Butters dragged his motorbike under the bridge and sat down on the grass. Cartman sat down next to him pulling down his dress to try and stay decent.
He glanced at Butters trying to avoid eye contact.
Butter was fidgeting with the purse. It seemed that Butters was always fidgeting with something or other.
"Are you okay?" Butters asked. "Your all beat up..."
Cartman glared at Butters.
"I think I have a bandage somewhere here" Butter patted his pockets, but without any luck. Butters sighed, he felt useless. He slid his hands into his back pockets "Y-you still look awfully pretty though, if it helps..."
Cartman said nothing but his glare softened. He looked down at his exposed knees. "I couldn't move..."
"W-What?"
Cartman brought his knees up to his chin and buried his face in his arms. "I couldn't move. I froze up..."
Butters put a hand on Cartman's shoulder. Cartman brushed it away.
"He's going to kill me, Butters! He's got ginger minions everywhere...and..and a jet pack! I'm just one handsome guy going up against all that all by myself!"
Butters sat across from him, put both his hands on Cartman's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "You got me, Eric!"
"What good are you?" Cartman snapped at him.
Butters was taken aback, it was true, he wasn't of much use. He couldn't kill Scott Tenorman and had probably been a bother this whole trip.
"I-I'll do my best." He muttered sadly, knowing it wouldn't be of much use. He hugged Cartman. "I- Remember, Eric, when I said love will find a way? Well..." He planted a kiss on Cartman's forehead. "I love you, Eric!"
"Fuck, Butters..." Muttered Cartman as paralyzed as he was under Scott's gaze. He was pretty sure the kiss was burning him ever so slightly, like acid.
"So it's going to be okay" Butters chirped running his fingers through Cartman's hair. He smiled at Cartman softly. "I'm sure you can beat Scott, Eric, cause...you're really smart and cool!"
Cartman KNEW without a doubt that he was cool but this was the first time he's heard anyone else say it. At this point he felt a strange heavy welling feeling in his heart which he dismissed as a result of being to hungry.
"Get out of my face, Butters!" He snorted pushing Butters away "Your breath smells like bread sticks..."
"Sorry."
Cartman grabbed his purse and pulled out his gun, for a second Butters thought Cartman was going to shoot him for smelling like bread sticks, but instead he handed the gun to Butters.
"I know you don't know how to fucking use this but I need to close my eyes a bit."
Butters held the gun gingerly. He couldn't shoot Scott before but if he had to pick between not killing Scott and letting Eric die...
"Next time I see Scott, Eric, I'll shoot him for sure, gosh darn it!"
Cartman chuckled dryly leaning back into the grass. "you'd better."