Thank you so much for reading this story! And big thanks to Sally for cleaning it up for me!

Chapter 3:

Are You Living in The Real World?

I couldn't hate them for hiding something. It took more courage than I had for them to tell me. They spoke, and suddenly, I wasn't the guy I thought I was. One day, I hoped I would speak and shock them just as much. My stomach turned thinking about it. They would see me differently. It was inevitable. Even if they were the most open-minded people in the world, they wouldn't be able to help it. We paint pictures of people in our mind and when the colors of those pictures don't match up with reality, it's jarring.

Maybe they would love me. Maybe they would push me away. Maybe our relationship would never be the same … All I knew was once the words were spoken, once the truth was out there, I wouldn't be able to retract it. I would expose myself to the universe and hope the universe wanted me.

God … this is too deep for a Tuesday morning in the middle of summer.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and rolled over in bed, staring up at the Japanese Breakfast poster plastered to my ceiling. It doesn't matter how long I lay here … nothing will be different. I'll still have to face my parents … face Jasper … I covered my face with my hands, suppressing a scream. I wanted to let everything out, scream, cry, or run until my legs became too weak to move. Every second, I felt imprisoned in my own skin. Over the years, I had become used to this feeling, but recently, every inch of me itches. I wanted to scratch myself until I bled—until everything on the inside escaped.

Closing my eyes, I remembered the taste of his lips and the roughness of his mouth against mine. I remembered the way my tongue had teased his for a moment before I had realized I was losing myself and pulled away. Then, I remembered how a few days had passed and he hadn't reached out to me once. I was too freaked to text him. What would I say, anyway? Sorry for kissing you? Sorry for messing up our steady friendship? Sorry I freaking mauled you when you're in love with Alice. Alice … God, I wish I could be her. How easy would it be to be considered "normal"? How easy would it be to fall in love with a boy you like without anyone giving you a second glance?

Flipping over, I buried my face into my pillow. I wanted to disappear into the mattress or, better yet, evaporate into thin air. I need to get out of bed. I need to reach out to my parents. I need to stop being such a freaking dickhead all the time. I pressed my face against the pillow for a moment longer before getting up and braving the day. I had always loved the mornings; it felt like every day was a fresh start. However, now, I was starting to hate them. Every day was a fresh start and yet, nothing ever changed for me. I still wore the same clothes, walked the same way, talked to the same people, and hid myself from the world.

Speaking of which, I dragged my ass out of bed and jumped in the shower, using the same shampoo and body wash I had been using for years. Then, I toweled off and smoothed my signature hair gel into my typically unruly mane of copper hair. I threw on a gray button-up shirt and a pair of dark washed skinny jeans before going downstairs and making my usual breakfast: accidently burnt toast and a protein shake. You would think by now I would be able to make toast without it ending up burnt, but like everything else, my bad habits never changed. Every morning, I would be too focused on my phone to worry about the quality of my food.

"Ed … Why don't you ever let me cook for you?" Mom asked as she entered the kitchen, still seeming skittish from the other day.

Leaning back against the kitchen counter, I shrugged, taking a bite of toast. "I don't know. I like the same shit."

"Language," Dad said, entering the room and bending down to give Mom a quick peck on the cheek.

Everything was normal here … except, it wasn't.

This was a typical morning, the start to a typical day, yet, I felt like an outsider here. As high school had wrapped up, my summer had been directionless. Besides work, I had no plans whatsoever. Now, I felt like I had a strange purpose. I wanted to find my birth parents. I wanted to know where they were, and what their lives had been like until now. Did they miss me? Did they wish they hadn't left me behind?

I wasn't unhappy now and I would like to think I wasn't having some sort of existential crisis. All I wanted to know was the truth and what I had been missing out on. Part of me wanted to believe that if I didn't find them, it would all be fine, however, another part of me screamed if I didn't find them, a piece of me would always be missing. My entire life, before I even knew I was gay at the age of nine, I had wondered who I was. Which was probably weird for a little kid, but I had always wanted to see the big picture. Always, I had been a dreamer.

"What's on the agenda for your day off?" Dad asked as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

"I don't know … I haven't decided yet. I might take my laptop to the park."

"That's good. While you're at it, maybe you can make some decisions about school?"

His voice wasn't as stern as it usually was. Maybe he felt a little bad for the other day. I gave him a half-smile, not committing to the idea as I finished off my toast and downed my shake. I walked around the table, giving Mom a kiss on the cheek before I jogged upstairs and got my stuff together. I opened up the backpack I hadn't touched since midway through my last semester of high school—when I had started getting rides from Jasper and carrying my books—and slid my laptop and a notebook and pen inside before zipping it up. As I slide the backpack on one shoulder, I heard a knock from downstairs.

Company this early, Mom? Maybe I can go out the back undetected. I was walking toward the stairs as I heard the door open followed by a familiar voice, which made me cringe.

"Edward! You have a visitor!"

Why was he here to see me? After what had happened, I thought he was avoiding me at all costs. Taking a deep breath, I bounded down the steps, stopping short when I saw the girl beside him. Why were they both here? Did they mean to confront me about something? I don't have time for this shit. As guilty as I feel, I don't want to hear it.

"Hey," I said lamely as I jumped off the final step. I pushed past them, knowing how rude I was being. "I'm just heading out. Did you need something?" I asked as I turned around.

Mom gave me a confused look and when Jasper turned toward her, she gave him an apologetic smile. Alice was looking at me but not differently than she always looked at me. Searching her eyes, I wondered if she knew. She looked pretty, calm, and collected, just like her normal self. I supposed nothing changed about her either. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. Mom, not knowing what to do, smiled at Alice and Jasper before she looked to me, confusion coloring her features as she shut the front door.

"You still want to see that movie?" Jasper asked, surprising me.

He wants us all to go to a movie together? Why? What would I do? Sit next to them as they held hands and snacked on popcorn together? Did he just want to throw their relationship in my face or something?

I hated this. Jasper was pretty much one of my only friends. Everyone else was either busy with work, on vacation, or had moved away during high school. Soon, everyone I knew would be gone. In a way, I liked this. Maybe when they were all gone, I would feel capable of being myself. It was hard to be honest with the people I'd known the longest. If they were a stranger or an acquaintance, I wouldn't care what they thought of me. It was so easy to speak freely with those you don't love. When you faced someone you knew your whole life, it was harder.

"I'm busy today, man," I said in my usual tone, as if nothing had happened between us.

"We made these plans a while ago," Alice said, cocking her head as she looked at me.

Shit, we did, didn't we? We've been talking about seeing Ralph Breaks the Internet for a while now. We've been joking about how we would be the oldest people in the theater.

"It's a nice day, and for once, I actually have it off. I'm going to head to the park."

"By yourself?" Alice asked, leaning against the boy at her side who was so into her, it hurt.

"Yep. I don't know. I guess I just need some alone time."

Jasper looked like he wanted to say something but never spoke up. He looked just as uncomfortable and confused as I felt. With Alice hanging all over him, I didn't want to look his way. She's his girlfriend, so what do you expect?

"We could skip the movie … come with you if you want?" he suggested as his neck grew splotchy, the way it always did when he was irritated or nervous about something.

"No, man. That's cool. You guys go have fun. Besides, I never saw the original. No point of me going to this one." I shrugged, forcing a smile on my face. "You kids go; have fun," I teased, although my joking sounded uncomfortable.

Without saying another word or waiting around for them to respond, I turned on my heel and headed for my car—an old Civic from the 1990s. This car was older than me but that hadn't stopped me from being stoked when Dad gave it to me. Throwing my backpack in the passenger seat, I gave the couple a wave before sliding into the driver's seat and shoving my key into the ignition. I didn't look over at the pair, but I knew they were still staring at me. What would they do? I left them standing there outside my house, after all.

Throwing in a Killers CD, I took off, driving to the only park I knew. It was a twenty-minute drive, which was brutal because the entire time, I couldn't get my mind off of him. His expression was glued to my mind and I felt like he was looking at me, even though now, he was miles away. Honestly, I always felt like his eyes were on me. It was more wishful thinking than anything else. I liked imagining that he noticed me all the time. Noticed me in a way that was totally different than a "best friend." In my own mind, I could pretend he notices me as a lover, couldn't I?

Rolling up to the park, I still had him on my mind. I parked, grabbed my bag, and slid out of the car, enjoying the fresh summer air as I inhaled. Today would be a new day. As kids played around me, screaming and carefree as they tackled the jungle gym with their friends, I couldn't help but feel lonely. They had their entire lives ahead of them, and despite being just eighteen, I wanted a redo. I wished there were a way to go back in time and relive the past few years. I would do things differently. Maybe I would have made more friends. Maybe I would have lived authentically.

I stopped myself—I couldn't think that way. No amount of wishing would make things different. I would always be the Edward I am right now. My past couldn't be rewritten. The present was the only thing I could control and I was barely controlling it.

Ignoring my nagging thoughts and enjoying the sun, I searched for a picnic table that was far removed from all the noise. I wanted to be around people without … being around people. I supposed that was the introvert in me, wanting to go out while avoiding human interaction. This is probably why I don't have too many friends.

I sat down and powered up my laptop, knowing just what I wanted to do. While I was sure no one would care, I wanted to document my journey. I had dabbled with blogging in the past but always gave up when my ideas went unread. Hell, my own mom didn't even read my posts. However, I supposed it would be lame if my parent was my only cheerleader. Sometimes, I thought one of my two readers was Jasper.

I imagined him logging onto Facebook and finding my blog link, clicking it unlike all of my other twenty-four Facebook friends. He would read about my thoughts on the newest music and television shows, taking in my ramblings and laughing at how into everything I was. Of course, this probably never happened. However … who else could have read them? My parents claimed to have never looked, but maybe they were lying, thinking they were boosting my confidence by leading me to believe I had my own tiny audience.

Tiny? It was practically non-existent.

Despite my insecurities, I opened up WordPress, setting up a new account with a different email, wanting a fresh start. My website design was lackluster: black, blue, and completely plain. However, appearances weren't what was important—this was about my search for my birth parents. Maybe I was selfish for looking for them. I did have wonderful parents, after all. But still … I couldn't help my curiosity. I battled with myself every day, and I barely knew who "myself" was.

So, I began to type, knowing I was talking to absolutely no one. No one would see this blog. No one would see the posts, or the pictures, or the history. That didn't matter to me, though. Writing this felt like a release. I was getting my truth out there, releasing it into the universe. There was a weight on my shoulders I wanted gone. Slowly, I would open up. This was like a diary of sorts. I wouldn't share links. I wouldn't mention it to anyone. The right people would see it. I was sure the universe could manage that much, couldn't it?

Did I even believe in that whole "universe" garbage?"

My fingers paused, and I stared at what I wrote. I edited it a bit, making it easier to read, before my eyes scanned it once more.

Header: Eighteen and Searching

No one will read this, but I want to try anyway. Recently, my entire world felt foreign to me. I've been feeling lost for a while now, and suddenly, I don't recognize myself at all. The other day, I found out I was adopted. I love my parents, but I feel lied to … used. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and maybe that's why I'm online rambling. I just hope these posts will reach the right people. I don't know if I believe in "fate" or whatever, but I think if this is meant to happen, it'll happen.

I want to know where I came from. I know until I do, it's going to gnaw at my brain. I'll always be wondering about the people who brought me into this world before my parents carried me through it. Today is the first day I'm trying to reach out. Hopefully, it will be the first of many. I don't know where this blog will go, but I hope it will lead to something new.

Even if I don't find what I'm looking for, at least I can feel like I'm talking to someone. In my real life, there's no one I want to reach out to. I love my parents, I love my friends, but I feel like they're all miles away from me. Honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel like we're on the same planet.

So, internet, I'll put myself out there, hoping something happens. I need something new in my life. I'm so scared to make a move; I'm starting to feel dull.

I would write "anonymous" but I know no one in my life will read this anyway. Besides, for the purposes of this blog, writing "anonymous" wouldn't help a single person find me. You'll see my face soon anyway, whoever you are.

I'm throwing this out there today, and hopefully tomorrow, I'll throw out some more. Fingers crossed, world. Let me find my answers.

-Edward