A/N: Can Killian help Emma get the perfect man? Doesn't that sentence just sound wrong but what do they know. I hope you are enjoying this story so far. :D More to come.

Chapter 4: The Ugly Truth

He decided he was hungry and it would be best to take this conversation out of the office. They head to a local place called Granny's to discuss how she would get Graham to fall for her. Granny's was the first thing they could both agree on. They both loved her onion rings.

She knew he was right and it did feel like Graham was going to blow her off. She really liked Graham and so far everything Killian told her was the truth even if she hated to admit it. She felt seeing this thing through with him would be a good test. If she didn't try it the worst case would be that she didn't get Graham anyway but she also would be free of Killian in the process. It would be a win-win either way in some respects although she secretly hoped Killian was right. If she could have chosen a man from a catalog Graham would have been it. He not only had all of the items on her checklist but a few she didn't even think she'd ever get.

They got a table in the back so they could talk more privately. She didn't want everyone in the town to know of her plight or her plan. She prided herself on being in control and together. He ordered some coffee and she ordered her usual cocoa with whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon on top. They also had two orders of onion rings coming.

She picked up her cup and took a sip. She looked up when she heard him laughing.

"What's so funny?"

He picked up his napkin and swiped at her nose. "You've got a bit of whipped cream on your nose lass."

She felt the blush creep up on her cheeks. "Thank you."

He nodded as he stirred his coffee. "Men are not complicated. They are simple Love. I'm going to give you a set of rules that you must follow on your dates with Graham. Use these as a guideline to help you keep your inner control freak at bay."

She huffed out a breath. "I'm not that controlling. Are you sure you want to use that much sugar in your coffee? It's not good for you."

Killian rolled his eyes putting his fingers in between his eyes and rubbing his brow. She was already trying to control him too. "Just follow these rules and you can't lose."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Trust me. Have I steered you wrong so far?"

"No, I suppose you haven't."

"Rule number one: Never Criticize."

She set her cup back on the table and looked at him smirking."Even if it's constructive?"

"Never. Men are incapable of change, growth or progress. For men self improvement ends at toilet training."

She raised her eyebrows and nodded in understanding."Huh."

"Rule number two: Laugh at whatever he says."

"What if what he says isn't funny?"

"Swan, that is irrelevant. A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm."

"A fake orgasm is good?"

He grinned. "No but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all."

She rolled her eyes and huffed."A fake orgasm is no orgasm."

"Only to you Love. You're not the only person in the room you know. Let's not be selfish. You've got to stroke his ego."

She laughed heartily, picked up her cup and took a sip.

"Now that was perfect. Real or fake?"

She looked up and smiled. "You'll never know."

She could do this and it might actually be fun.

"Rule number three: Men are very visual. We have to change your look."

She felt affronted."What's wrong with my look?"

"Swan, you're a very attractive woman but you are completely inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency."

"What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?"

"Nothing except no one wants to Fuck it."

She closed her eyes and gulped down the sip she had in her mouth. "Fine, what do I need to do?"

"We need to head to the shops."

She didn't care if her clothes were comfortable but if she wanted to get rid of Killian Jones she needed to play along. Their next stop of the day was to a local boutique downtown. She wasn't a big shopper and she knew what she liked. This was the first time she was ever here and she had to admit the clothes were fashionable. She would probably come again on her own another time.

"Scuse me Lass." Killian snapped his fingers and the store clerk came over. The clerk was fawning all over him from the minute she was in our presence. He did exude this sexual aura and a lot of women seemed unable to resist his charms. If she saw him on the street she would turn her head, it was just when he started talking that he turned her off.

The clerk sidled up to Killian practically rubbing her breasts against him."Hello, may I be of assistance?"

Emma huffed.

"Aye. We need some tight jeans, cocktail dresses, and some bras that will make my friends breasts stand up and say Hello." He stood in front of her and pretended to push up her breasts, all the while grinning.

She rolled her eyes and looked down at her boobs. "They're not saying hello now? What are they saying?"

"They're giving off more of a passing nod than an outright greeting. Here let me get you something to try on." said the clerk. She brought forward a lacy see through demi cut bra.

Killian took the bra from the clerk and held it up over her breasts."Now, that is a bra."

"I'm wearing that one right now." whispered the clerk to Killian.

Emma rolled her eyes.

He admired the bra against her. "This bra says put your boobies in my mouth they taste good."

She snatched the bra from him. "Fine I'll try it on."

He looked at the clerk who was hungrily looking him up and down."What have you got in formal wear?"

She shook her head and followed him as they moved towards the dresses. The clerk was holding up a tight cheetah print dress against herself and Killian was looking her over. He put his hand to his chin and rubbed his scruff.

"Length is very important. We need a dress that is short enough to see thigh but not so short that we see vag."

The clerk chimed in agreement. "Vag says you're trying too hard."

"Ya think?"

"Let me get a few options for you." said the sales clerk.

"You know I'm not completely inept at this."

He leaned in close and smiled. "Love, I'm just trying to tell you what men want to see. I know you can look pretty. I want to see you look HOT."

She gulped at his proximity. He really did seem to exude sex appeal. She followed them into the jeans section. She had to admit it was actually kind of fun even though this wasn't her idea of a normal shopping trip. She always shopped alone. She knew what she wanted before she got to the store and most of the time she would just order the clothes online to save herself the trip to the store at all.

He took her hand and twirled her around in a circle. "Jeans are all about the curvature of the arse. You've got the raw materials Swan. Now you just need the proper presentation."

"Did you just tell me I have a nice ass?"

He swat her on the arse."Do you always have to be so crass?"

She turned to face him catching his gaze and smiled.

She bought a number of the items that Killian suggested looked good on her. He said she would be mouth wateringly addicting. He certainly could turn a phrase.

They walked down Main Street on their way back to her condo. She was going to make herself over in a trial run so he could provide her some tips. She had almost forgotten that she blew off Graham earlier on the phone because she was having so much fun. Killian said that there would be a chance that Graham would stop over to see her if he was interested; after all he did sit on hold waiting for her to return. They walked the stone path towards her condo.

"Swan this is important. Rule number four, never talk about your problems. Men don't really listen or care."

She frowned. "Some men care."

"No Love, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you're doing its just guy code for : Let me stick my dick in your arse."

"Ugh! So rude! Is that all you think about?"

"Swan, I know you think Graham is above it all but trust me, he's a guy. If he's even remotely into you he's thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times. What do you think I've been telling you, men are simple."

"I love how you assume all men are as perverse as you."

He cocked his head to the side and winked. "Oh, I don't assume Love. I know."

She twisted the key in the lock and opened the door."I hope you are wrong." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She started towards her room to unload her bags."Make yourself comfortable. Drinks are in the Fridge!"

"Swan, while you are up there let down your hair. I want to see what we are working with. You've always got it wound up so bloody tight!"

"Ok!"

He walked around checking out her place. She kept a neat home and her décor was tasteful. He popped open her fridge and helped himself to a bottle of beer. He popped it open and sat in the comfy gray chair in the corner. He grimaced when he found yarn and knitting needles in next to the chair. He placed it on the floor next to the chair.

"MEOW"

Her cat came running into the room and came up to him. He was a cute little fellow. He was rubbing his face against his leg and swirling his tail around looking for attention.

"Swan, your cat won't leave me alone."

"That's Baelfire. I'm surprised he came up to you. He usually doesn't like men."

He picked up her cat and it nuzzled against him. He scratched his furry head and he purred loudly.

"So you're the one I have to thank for helping me get this gig."

He looked up when he heard the clacking of her heels against her hardwood floors. She was a vision. She entered the room in a form fitting, low cut, black dress that hugged all of her curves in the right places. The dress was the perfect length to show off her lean beautiful long legs. Her hair hung in long loose golden curls down around her face. He couldn't help his jaw from dropping open when he saw her.

She strode into the room and did a little twirl for him. When she turned around she revealed that her dress was extremely low cut in the back showing off her arse in just the right way. He gulped hard. Baelfire wiggled out of his arms and ran away.

She was staring at him smiling. "Well, How do I look?"

He was dumbfounded. He knew she was pretty but she was drop dead gorgeous. "Uh, not bad."

She looked down at the low cut on the front of her dress exposing more of her breasts than she usually allowed. "I just don't want to be perceived as a bimbo."

"Swan, You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper. On one hand you have to push the guy away with cold indifference and the other you have to be a sexually teasing tornado."

She grinned raising her brow. "Ok"

He got up from his chair and approached her carefully. "Now we have to teach you how to flirt." His lilt sounding deeper than he'd like.

She rolled her eyes. "I know how to flirt."

"Hi, my name's Emma. I like reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics. I don't think so." said Killian mockingly in a high pitched voice.

Emma raised an eyebrow. "Hey babe! Are you wearing any underwear?"said Emma in a deep voice grabbing his arse as he walked by.

Killian jumped at the surprise contact. "You know what? I wouldn't say that and I wouldn't grab arse." He picked up his beer and took a swig.

"What's wrong with a little ass grabbing." said Emma in a deep voice and grabbing his arse once again causing him to spit a little of his drink.

"Uh."

"What's it there for if it's not there for me to grab it." said Emma mockingly grabbing his arse once again.

He moved in front of her. "Ok."

She looked at him and kept the show going."You're just a set of orifices and a set of teetahs."

He booped her nose with his finger."You are a deeply, deeply disturbed person Swan."

She stood directly in front of him her face only inches from his, so close she could feel his breath against her face. Her eyes flicked towards his lips and then to his too blue eyes. He was gazing intently at her again.

"Maybe I'm just a really good student." she said swaying slightly in front of him touching his chest with her hand and caressing it softly back and forth. She moved slightly closer so her breasts were brushing against his chest.

He could feel her warm breath on his face she was so close. Her body was rubbing against him in all the right places. She was riling him up enough that he nearly kissed her himself. "Would you stop doing that please?"

She bat her eyelashes coyly at him. "Doing what?"

He spoke softly, barely a whisper."Running your hand across my body like that."

She leaned up and whispered in his ear."Why, is it turning you on?"

"Perhaps."

She pulled back and was practically lip to lip whispering softly. "It's weird I think I kind of like it." "Really?"

She laughed and pulled away. "Sucker."

He picked up his beer and took a swig. "No teaching the teacher."

Emma laughed.

There was a knock at the door. Killian gave her a knowing look.

"Who is it?"

"Graham."

She gave him a nervous look. "I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. "

"Calm down Swan, keep the conversation under a minute."

She grimaced and he pushed her along. "Now go."

She whispered to herself as she walked to the door. "Under a minute. Under a minute. Under a minute."

"Wait wait."

She turned back to face him. "What?"

He smacked her on the arse and smiled.

"You're such an asshole."

Killian climbed over the couch and sat down to watch.

She composed herself, pushed up her breasts and opened the door."Hi."

"Hey, wow you look great." said Graham eyes wide and smiling.

She waved her hand in the air. "Oh, yeah just doing the dishes."

"So what happened to you today?"asked Graham

"What do you mean?"

"You put me on hold and you never called me back." said Graham with a puzzled expression on his face.

She laughed. "Oh my God. Was that you? I'm so sorry."

"Yeah It's ok." said Graham. He looked over and noticed Killian sitting on the couch.

She quickly remembered, Keep it under one minute. "Graham would you mind giving me a call a little bit later? I need to get back to those dishes." She pushed him out the door and closed it.

"Emma wait." He called through the door.

"What now?"whispered Emma.

"Make him suffer." said Killian.

"Make him suffer." she whispered.

"Emma, I was wondering if you would like to go to a baseball game with me on Saturday?"asked Graham.

"Yes, sounds good. Call me later."

She turned around and smiled at Killian. She started doing her dorky little happy dance jumping up and down like a fool waving her arms back and forth. He just looked at her shaking his head. He had his work cut out for him with this one.

The day of the game came and he devised a plan. They would use the roving microphones and ear pieces from the station so that he could feed her lines while she was at the baseball game just like she did at the station during his segment. She still didn't trust herself not to go "Tap Water" at any given time. This was too important. Graham was the perfect man and she didn't want to blow it.

There were many fans at the stadium today. It was a perfect sunny day for baseball and the temperature wasn't too hot. She had on jeans, a white button up shirt and a light tan leather jacket. Her hair was curled and hanging down around her shoulders. She felt good. Killian would be sitting one section over from them while they were at the game so he could keep an eye on her.

"Swan, I have a visual. Nod if you can hear me."

She nodded casually and continued to walk along with Graham taking their seats in the first row of their section. She was shoving bits of popcorn into her mouth and smiling at him as she tried to stay calm. She felt a nervous pit in her stomach but looked over to see Killian and it settled a bit.

"Relax, it's going to be fine."

How did he know she was nervous? Was she twitching or something?

"You must do exactly what I tell you, when I tell you to do it ok. "

She nodded.

"You follow baseball?"asked Graham.

Emma shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

"Do something non-committal." said Killian.

She nodded, shrugged, and laughed all at the same time. She shoved more popcorn into her mouth and smiled.

"Are you ok?"asked Graham.

"I'm fine."

"That was a little over the top. Nice try though." said Killian.

"Well Thanks." said Emma smugly.

"For what?" asked Graham.

Emma stopped when she realized she said that out loud.

She patted him on the chest and laughed."Huh, well thanks for being you."

He smiled at her. "You're welcome."

They sat happily watching the game and just enjoying the atmosphere. It was the seventh inning and she was comfortably leaning against Graham's shoulder watching the game.

"Emma, would you like a drink?"

"Sure, that would be great."

He called out to one of the vendors."Excuse me?"

At the same time one of the fans noticed Killian in the stands. A girl with a trailing ponytail climbed up on him and hugged him tightly. Her boyfriend was not too happy about it and pulled her off causing a stir in the stands.

He pushed back. "What the fuck?"

She listened and repeated. "What the fuck?"

Graham gave her a look of surprise. "What?"

He quickly realized the mistake. "I'm not talking to you."

She repeated again."I'm not talking to you."

"Did I do something wrong?"asked Graham raising an eyebrow.

"No, stop listen tell him you saw him looking at another girl. That was a mistake." He felt awful, that could a detrimental blow to her relationship.

"I- I- I saw you looking at another girl." stammered Emma.

"Who?" asked Graham.

She pointed to the vendor. "That girl right there."

"I was trying to get us a couple hotdogs and a beer for you." Laughed Graham as the vendor walked towards them.

She huffed and waved it off. "Oh ok ok."

She looked towards Killian and mouthed Oh My God.

He tucked down in his seat and tried to think of a comeback.

Graham paid the vendor for the hot dogs and handed her one. She was mortified. She couldn't think of any way she was going to be able to recover after that disaster. That was worse than Tap Water in her opinion.

"Ok we need a quick recovery. Make sure you put the hot dog in your mouth nice and slow when you eat it."

She nodded and started putting the hot dog into her mouth as he suggested taking a small bite.

"Men like to watch women eating penis shaped foods."

She backed her hand away so quickly that she knocked Graham's beer all over his lap spilling the contents on his pants."I'm so sorry. Oh god, I'm so, so sorry. You know what I can get this up. "

"No, its ok." said Graham.

She grabbed some napkins and started wiping furiously on the crotch of his pants to dry up the liquid. "I'm sure I can get this out. What kind of fabric is this?" She wiped continuously back and forth over his pants.

"Cotton, I guess." said Graham in a shaky voice.

She continued to rub furiously ."Well cotton isn't so bad. You know leather is the worst. Well maybe suede."

The fans in the stadium started going wild. The camera man zoomed in on Emma and Graham in the stands. Killian closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Swan Look up. Swan Look up. Look UP!"

She looked up to see that they were being shown in a heart shape on the kiss cam for the entire stadium to see. It appeared as though she was giving him a hand job at the stadium. She was mortified. All of the fans were cheering. The charge song was playing loudly for all to hear. She sat back in her seat quietly and sunk down pulling into herself. She didn't think anything could be worse than tap water, she was clearly wrong.

After the date the road home in silence. They walked slowly up the path towards the square in front of their condos. She was looking down at the ground feeling embarrassed after what happened. Clearly she'd ruined her chances with the perfect man.

Killian trailed them and hid in the bushes. "Ok, I'm in position."

Graham gave her a soft smile. "Well I can't say today was boring."

"Oh, you're being nice."

"No, you're just not what I'm used to."

She blew out a breath."Oh, I know."

"No, actually it's a good thing. I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds but I can't do that with you."

She looked up to see his blue eyes were gazing at her intently. She felt mortified standing in front of him waiting for the boom. She knew she screwed this up. She stood there waiting for the boom.

"This guy is an idiot. I figured you out in two. Now we are going to give him one last shot. Tell him goodnight and stick your tits out."

She did as he said. "Well, goodnight then."

Grahams eyes gave her a once over. She turned to walk away into her condo. He grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a kiss. He cupped her face with his left hand and held her with his right. He kissed her slowly and gently. She felt her lips mould to his as they tingled with delight. She pulled back slowly smiling.

"That definitely made up for my wet crotch."

"Haha me too. No scratch that. I didn't have one."

He laughed. "Yeah. I'll see you later."

She walked to her door and turned back."Bye."

"Bye."

She watched him walk to his door. He turned around when he got there and waved before entering his home.

Killian felt a twinge of something as he watched her kissing Graham. He shook his head and waited for Graham to go inside. When the man was out of site he emerged from behind the bushes. She came rushing up to him.

"You did it. you did it. you did it." she said jumping up and hugging him.

He held her against him softly."No, no it was you."

She pulled back and smiled.

"Don't ask me why but I think he likes you."

Emma was beaming. "He's such a great guy right?"

"Yeah, he's dreamy."

"And he fits all 10 criteria on my check list. Probably more."

"Though weren't items one through nine pretty much him being gay?"

She bounced back towards her condo. "I'm going to ignore that because I'm in such a good mood." "Yeah, I heard that. Wet Crotch."

She turned and stuck her tongue out at him before walking in the door. He walked off slowly looking back. He had a strange feeling in his gut after spending so much time with her. It was making him question his own methods.