CHAPTER FOUR

It took me a long time to start seeing Fredericksburg as home. My business flourished and I worked hard from eight until six every day with barely a break and started opening regularly on Saturdays too, until one o'clock. Once my customers knew I was available on the weekends I was always busy. Summer came and went and still I was just getting through one day at a time, not looking too far forward because I knew if I did, I'd get scared that things would never get any better.

Then suddenly one day towards the end of October I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror and realised something had changed. I stared at myself for a few minutes, surprised to see how long my hair had gotten again. I hadn't bothered cutting it since Dad's funeral and even though I had started having to pull it into a ponytail when I worked to keep it out of my face, I had been doing it absentmindedly. I studied the rest of my face, thinking I didn't look so much like a kid any more. I'd always looked younger than the rest of the pack even after we all phased.

I wondered what they were all doing now. Sam and Emily had always wanted children; Jared and Kim had got engaged not long before I left; even Leah had been happy at last. Then Bella came into my mind and I realised with some surprise that I hadn't thought about her in weeks and now when I did, there wasn't that crushing pain in my chest that had sucked the breath out of me the minute I woke up every day. I imagined her living in that house in the woods with the Cullens, her skin pale and cold and hard like theirs, feeding on the blood of animals and I found that I really didn't care any more. She found what made her happy and finally, after however long it had been now, I had moved on from it.

It was another week before I decided I ought to do something about making some friends, maybe even meeting a girl. Seven months in Fredericksburg and I didn't know anyone yet properly, except for Hank and his girlfriend, Tammy. They lived together and I'd gone over to their place a few times for dinner. Once they'd even tried to fix me up with a girl who was friends with Tammy's younger sister and I'd escaped as fast as I could after the meal, mortified to have been put in such a situation. When I saw Hank on Monday, much as I loathed talking about it, I had to give some kind of explanation.

"Don't do that to me again," I'd said.

"What?"

"Try fixing me up with someone."

He snorted cigarette smoke out of his nose. "What's wrong with you? Like being on your own, do you?"

"I loved somebody and she went off and married someone else, that's all," I said shortly.

"Still stuck in your head, is she?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry." Hank left me to get on with my work and never mentioned it again. I continued going to his place for dinner occasionally and he and Tammy never tried introducing me to another girl.

Now at last I actually wanted to meet someone and I hadn't the first clue how I would go about it. I couldn't see myself going to a bar and trying to pick up a girl and I didn't have other friends I could hang out with who would know them. I'd never gone on a date in my life and at almost nineteen years old, that was pretty pathetic when you thought about it. I considered it for a few more days, wondering if I should go to a bar after all, when I met someone completely by accident.

It was a Friday morning and for once I wasn't completely flat out with work. I had just finished servicing a truck and had stopped to get a coke from Hank when a brand new 4x4 pulled up in front of the shop with steam pouring out from under the hood. I put the coke down and headed towards it as the driver climbed out - a young girl; blonde, blue-eyed and curvy, dressed in tight jeans and a yellow shirt.

"Hey," she said, smiling somewhat sheepishly. "I think I killed my car. Could you take a look at it for me? My Daddy will go crazy."

"Don't worry, the radiator probably just ran dry, that's all," I said. "Let's take a look." I popped the hood and quickly discovered the radiator was virtually empty. I left it to cool down and checked the oil and brake fluid while I was at it. Both were low and I topped them up.

"How long have you worked here?" the girl asked me.

"Since about April."

"You work for Hank then?"

"No, I work for myself, I just rent the place from him."

"Oh, so you must be...Mr Black?"

"Jacob Black," I grinned.

"Jodie Stewart."

"I'd shake your hand, but I'm..." I showed her my palms, which were smudged with oil and grime. She laughed.

"So where are you from, Jacob Black? You're not local," she said.

"I guess my accent gives me away. I'm from Washington State," I told her.

"Long way from home then. What made you come to Texas?"

"It's a long story."

"Well, I guess I've nothing better to do until my car cools down."

I found myself chatting to her easily. I didn't go into much detail, but said my Dad died and I had wanted to leave all the memories behind. Then much to my surprise she told me her father owned Gillespie's and that he had given her the car for a graduation present.

"I didn't want them to fix it, he'd find out how useless I am. I don't want him to take it back," she giggled.

By the time she left, I realised two hours had passed and I had enjoyed every minute. Then I began kicking myself that I hadn't at least asked for her number.

"Friend of yours?" Hank called out from his deckchair after she had driven away.

"Maybe."

"You know she's the daughter of your competition."

"Yeah, I know."

He laughed. "Did you ask her out?"

"Not yet."

"You should."

I got the chance the very next day. Hank had already left and I was just closing the shop at one o'clock when Jodie's car pulled up by the door. She was wearing jeans again with a red sleeveless t-shirt, her hair tied back in a braid.

"Hey, Jacob."

"Hey. You almost missed me."

"No, I didn't, I have perfect timing."

I grinned at her. "How's your car?"

"Much better. So what are you doing now?"

"I was going to go home and just hang out."

'Ask her out,' I told myself. 'She came over here on purpose right when I'm closing up.'

"Do you fancy doing something this afternoon?" I asked. "Maybe go to the movie theatre?"

"Sure, that'd be good. There's a new movie out I really want to see actually, if you like the sound of it. 'Changeling', with Angelina Jolie."

She went on to tell me what it was about - a mystery thriller set in the 1920s. I didn't really care what it was about to be honest - at least I had a date with a pretty girl without really trying.

"I need to get a shower and a change of clothes first," I said. "If you don't mind stopping by my house on the way..."

"You have your own house?"

"Yes, I rent a place on Hein Road."

"Cool. Maybe I can just leave my car here and pick it up later."

"Ok." I was a little surprised she was happy to go to my house since she knew nothing about me, but then again I didn't know anything about girls.

She wandered around the living room while I took a quick shower and put on some clean clothes. When I emerged minutes later, she was looking at a photo of Dad I had standing beside the television. I had only recently dug it out and placed it there, now the pain of losing him was less.

"Is this your Dad?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"You didn't mention a Mom."

"She died in a car wreck when I was nine," I said, surprised that I felt comfortable being so open with her.

"I'm sorry. Were you close to your Dad?"

"Yeah, very, he was like my best friend."

"I wish mine was like that. I lost my Mom too, when I was too little to remember her. Dad thinks he can just keep me happy by buying me things all the time. Oh, well, it has its advantages. He doesn't care much what I get up to, so long as I don't embarrass him."

We chattered on as I drove back into town to the movie theatre and I bought tickets for the movie and popcorn and coke to share. Later I drove her back to the gas station to collect her car and we continued to get on like a house on fire, talking and laughing about the movie and a number of other things.

Somehow I hadn't expected it to be like this. I thought maybe I would have been shy or nervous or something, never having done any of this before, but I wasn't; not at all. I felt good with her and she was easy to talk to, frequently making me laugh. I kissed her goodbye before she got into her car, just a light caressing of lips without tongues and it was nice, but it didn't set off fireworks.

Suddenly all I could think about was Bella. I had kissed her properly that one time up on the mountain after I told her I didn't care whether I got killed in the battle or not. She had set me on fire, but maybe that was just because I'd already been in love with her for over a year by then and spent every waking moment longing to kiss her. Still, I couldn't stop myself comparing her and Jodie. Jodie was blonde where Bella was dark, rosy where Bella was pale, curvy where Bella was slim.

'Don't do that, for God's sake,' I thought to myself. 'It's early days. See how it goes.'

"Maybe we could do this again," I said. "Go out for a meal or something?"

"I'd love to," Jodie said at once.

I arranged to pick her up from her house at six o'clock the following evening and then drove home. As soon as I arrived, went in and threw myself onto the sofa, I began to have doubts. I liked Jodie, there was no doubt about that, but after a few weeks of not thinking about her, suddenly Bella was back in my mind. I wasn't longing for her, but I kept remembering how I had felt when I'd spent months with her building motorcycles after Edward left, thinking she would eventually fall for me too. It didn't hurt to think about it any more, but it made me wonder if I had just jumped at the first girl to show any interest in me. I told myself once more just to give it a chance and see what happened.

That's exactly what I did. I continued dating Jodie for the next couple of weeks, our kisses goodbye quickly developing into long sessions of heated kissing and cuddling, finishing with me going home to bed and jacking myself off thinking about her. I thought everything was going great and decided that the next weekend I would invite her back to the house and see how far she was willing to go with me.

I woke up on Friday morning and Jodie immediately popped into my mind and my stomach filled with butterflies. Grinning, I grabbed my cellphone to send her a text message. She always got up early to take her dog for a walk. Then just before I pressed 'send', I stopped myself and deleted the message. I put the phone down again and pulled the pillow on top of my head.

I panicked. That was the only way I could explain it. When I woke up she was the first thing I thought of and I'd been filled with excitement, just like I always was when I waited at Dad's house for Bella to arrive when we were working on those old motorcycles together. I would pace about, my heart hammering, waiting for her truck to appear.

What I was feeling now was a similar thing, just less intense and all I could think about was that if I carried on the way I was going, I'd end up head over heels with Jodie, and then what? She'd find someone else, someone she liked better, walk away from me and I'd have to go through the same shit all over again.

It might not be like that; she might fall for me too. But if she didn't...I didn't even want to think about feeling like that again. Maybe I just wasn't ready; maybe it hadn't been long enough after all. I was confused and a jumble of thoughts assaulted me until I began to get a headache. I threw the pillow across the room and sat up, scowling. Headache or not, I still had to go to work. It wasn't like I could call the boss and say I was sick; I was the boss.

I worried about it all day; I couldn't concentrate on work and when Hank came in to speak to me for a minute I almost leaped out of my skin. For about a second I considered confiding in him and then dismissed the idea. He would think I was insane.

Jodie arrived just before I closed up at six as we had planned to go out that evening and as Hank locked up and took off, I made my mind up about what I should do.

"Hey, Jacob!" Jodie slid out of her car and almost skipped over to me, beaming from ear to ear. She looked beautiful, wearing a short blue dress, her hair loose and curling around her shoulders. Damn.

"Hey." I shoved my hands into my pockets. This was going to be another first for me.

"Are you alright?" Jodie's smile faded.

"No, not really. I've something to say and you're probably not going to like it."

She frowned. "Can't you make tonight?"

"It's not that."

"You met someone else?" She chewed her lip and I immediately felt like a complete shit.

"No. But I've been thinking all day and I can't see you any more."

"What? Why? If there's no one else...did you just go off me or something?"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?" Her hurt expression gave way to a scowl.

"I'm just not ready for this," I confessed. I would have to tell the truth. "I was in love with this girl back in Washington...I thought she loved me; she said she loved be; but there was another guy she wanted more."

Jodie's scowl vanished and much to my surprise, she looked sympathetic.

"You're scared you'll get hurt again?" she said softly.

"Yeah, I guess."

"I wouldn't do that, Jacob. I really like you. I'm not going to let you get close to me and then kick you in the teeth."

"I'm sorry. My head's a mess," I said. "I just don't want to do this. Not right now. I can't."

"Well, I guess there's nothing I can about that," Jodie said with a sigh. "I'm sorry you feel like that. I think we could have been good together; really good."

"I'm sure you're right," I said miserably. "I'm sure I'll regret this one day."

"I hope not, because if you do then this is a waste. But just in case, you have my number. I'm not going to leave here and go and throw myself into someone else's arms, if you change your mind."

She had taken it much better than I expected and I felt sad as I watched her drive away, but at the same time I was relieved. I knew if I had let it go on any longer, if I'd slept with her, she would have had me like a fish on a hook and I just couldn't put myself through it. Maybe in time, but not now.

I locked the shop, got into my truck and drove home. Strangely I felt lonely as I walked in, but I guessed it was something I was going to have to get used to for a while.