A/N: I am so sorry that this took longer than I thought it would. Life has been hectic to say the least. But here is a nice long chapter to make up for it! So without further ado, here is chapter 4!

Disclaimer: I still own nothing of Tolkien's works.

I Am A Lion

Finding A Form Of Control

Fili collapsed in a heap on the forest floor, clutching a painful stitch in his side. How could he have let the beast take control of him against his own uncle? He pressed his hands against his ears in an attempt to block out the roars. Fili blinked, the wasn't a sound at all echoing in his mind save for the his own ragged breathing. With a sickening lurch, Fili realized, what had happened between him and his uncle was all him. He could even blame the Beast. He hadn't acted on the Beast's orders, he had acted on his own. The thought made him sick with shame and tears slipped down his cheeks. He was startled by the sound of someone calling his name. Fili jumped up and took off running trying to put as much distance between himself and whoever was tracking him.

It was nearly six o'clock in the evening when Fili's feet lead him back to town. He passed by the forge knowing that his uncle wouldn't be there, but still went to look anyway. As he expected, it was deserted. He truely wished to apologize for what he had said to Thorin. He had also wanted to get home before Thorin did. Explaining things to his mother was going to be difficult enough without Thorin there. Dis angry was not a sight Fili particularly wished to see, but he didn't know how he was going to talk his way out of this one. He sighed and began to trudge dejectedly back home, resigned to his fate. He made his way through the streets of town when he heard someone scream. Turning down a side street, Fili followed the sound to an alley where he saw a young dwarf laughing maliciously at a terrified lass. She twisted and kicked him trying to free herself from his strong grip. Fili recognized him, he was a great hulk of a drawfling who took great pleasure in hurting anyone smaller than himself in the training arena. He had even threatened Kili once. Fili looked around, there was no one near other than himself. Fili felt the Beast roar inside his head. He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm himself , but when he did he saw those cold sapphire eyes, he threw any attempt to the winds. The Beast always won his battles with Fili and this was what the Beast wanted. Fili gave in and opened his eyes, and the Beast took over.

"Grudri!"

Grudri spun around apprehensively at the sound of the voice spoken with such command and authority, but relaxed when he saw who the voice belonged to.

"Fili, you should know better, dwarflings shouldn't be out after dark." spat Grudri with the air of one speaking to a five year old.

"Then perhaps you should take your advice, seeing as how you're as much of a dwarfling as I." Fili said throwing Grudri's words back at him.

"Still years older than you! Now if you'll excuse me we really have other important matters to attend to." He snarled, turning back to his wench.

"No, I don't think you do." said Fili calmly pulling Grudri off the poor lass. She took her chance to escape and ran back into the more populated streets as quickly as she could. "See? She didn't think it was so important."

Fili smiled sweetly as he watched the rage build in Grudri's eyes, preparing himself for what was soon to burst forth from the drawf. With a yell like an angry cat that had been stepped on, Grudri attacked Fili. Fili parried the punch and landed one of his own into Grudri's stomach, using Grudri's anger to his advantage. Grudri fell, howling in pain , but quickly recovered and was back at Fili's throat. Grudri threw back and his fist connected with Fili's jaw. It was now Fili's turn to stumble backwards and land hard against a wall, knocking the breath from his body. Seeing his chance, Grudri launched himself forward at Fili. He never made it to the other dwarf. Fili snatched up a discarded wine bottle that lay nearby. Glass shards cascaded to the ground as he smashed the bottle across Grudri's face. Grudri crumpled to the ground clutching his bleeding head, looking up at Fili with pleading eyes.

"A-alright, enough! I-I yield to you Fili!"

Fili was deaf to his cries. The craving was there, overpowering every rational thought in his mind, bringing a maniacal glint to his eyes as he raised the broken glass bottle and struck him again. Grudri collapsed barely conscious. Fili flipped the bottle around and held it like a knife in his hand preparing to strike again. Fili blinked in confusion as a strong grip held him back. He looked up to see Dwalin glaring back at him angrily.

"There's no honor in finishing a fight that has been surrendered." He snarled. Fili blinked up at the dwarf, then turned back to Grudri as though he hadn't noticed the other dwarfling had been beaten. "Now if you are done, you can wait for me out there. And don't even think about running off again! You're in enough trouble! GO!" Dwalin roared.

Fili didn't need to be told twice. He ran from the alley, shaking and sick, until he stumbled and landed on his knees, just outside the alley. He leaned to one side and retched. The echoing roars were becoming too much. Fili retched again. When his stomach had emptied itself of it's contents, he pulled himself back up onto his knees. Fili covered his ears screaming in frustration and fear before he stood and punched a wall. The pain that spread across his fingers was excruciating but was proving to be a good distraction from the Beast. He punched the wall again experimentally. He let out a small cry and cradled his hand to his chest, falling again to his knees. The waves of pain flooding Fili's senses overpowering the rage of the Beast. It seemed that physical pain could keep Fili's mind away from the Beast and his roars. Fili raised his hand to punch the wall when Dwalin stopped him.

"Now what do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.

Fili shrugged and allowed Dwalin to see his hand.

"You've broken three fingers. What were you thinking? First you punch Thorin, then you run off, you start a fight, and now you go off and start punching walls? Wasn't punching Thorin and Grudri enough? What were you thinking?" He asked again.

"I wasn't." Fili answered truthfully. If he had then he never would have struck his uncle. He still would have attacked Grudri, beast or no beast, but still.

"Well that was for certain!" Dwalin growled angrily.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to, boy. And you may be sorry now, but you're no where near as sorry as you're going to be once your mother gets a hold of you!" Dwalin barked.

Fili groaned inwardly, but said nothing out loud feeling that he had more than deserved anything his mother wished to give him. He did hope however that he would be allowed to explain some of his behavior. If he was going down then, so was Grudri. Fili was yanked from his thoughts as Dwalin hauled him to his feet began to drag him along behind him.

"Come, you're going home."

Fili didn't protest and willingly followed Dwalin to his doom.

oOo

Dwalin didn't bother knocking on the door, it was apparent that he was expected. He slammed it shut and effectively alerted the whole house to their presence.

"I see you found him, Dwalin."

Fili kept his eyes trained on the ground when he heard Dis's voice, too afraid to see the anger and disappointment in her face.

"Yes, my lady. Found him starting fights, that is."

"What was that?! Fili look at me this instant!"

Fili did as he was told and winced at the look on his mothers face. It was a horrible mix of worry, disappointment and fury, though the fury was quickly overpowering the previous two. He quickly stared at his feet again. Dis crossed the room and had a brief hushed conversation with Dwalin that Fili couldn't hear but soon she stated for all to hear.

"I see. Thank you Dwalin for finding him and informing me of this. I'm sure you'll want to get home before it gets completely dark."

Dwalin bowed.

"Thank you again Dwalin."

"It was nothing, my lady."

Fili heard the door open again before it again slammed shut, leaving him alone in the hall with his mother. He looked up again and opened his mouth to speak but Dis cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it Fili. I won't have you making excuses for your behavior. You have lied to us, disrespected your uncle and injured him, and now apparently went out and started fights."

"Mum please..."

"Don't you Mum please me! I-"

"Mother! Please, where is Uncle?!" Fili interrupted.

"You interrupted me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I-I'm not going to try and excuse what I did, I j-just want to say something to Uncle Thorin."

Dis nodded and softened a little.

"Then I forgive your interruption. We will continue this discussion in the living room with your Uncle."

Dis turned and lead Fili into the living room without a word. Thorin was sitting in hs chair by the fire, staring broodily into it and Kili, Fili could tell had been pacing the perimeter only moments before. Kili looked up wide eyed at the two of them as they entered but said nothing and at a glance from Dis sat down in the far corner.

"Thorin, Fili's here." said Dis as she sat down next to Thorin. Thorin looked up at Fili and to Fili's horror, but not to his surprise, saw the hurt that he had caused.

Dis pointed to the floor in front of the two of them and Fili stepped forward, feeling strangely like a prisoner at his execution trial. Fili started to speak but again Dis cut him off.

"No Fili, you will speak when I give you permission to do so. Thorin told me that you were not out trapping the other day. You lied to us Fili, along with your brother, and-"

"Kili didn't lie. I asked him to cover for me so that no one would find out." lied Fili, trying to protect his brother.

"Thorin told me you had said to him that Kili knew nothing as to why you didn't come home, and that you didn't know why he was covering for you anymore than he did. So Fili, were you lying then, or are you lying to me now?" asked Dis.

Fili lowered his head in shame and scuffed his shoe across the floor.

"Well? Answer me Fili."

"I am lying to you now." Fili muttered miserably.

"So that brings me to my first question. Why didn't you come home at your curfew, Fili?" Dis demanded.

"I-" Fili almost considered it, he almost told them. Until he remembered the fear of being sent away. He had seen what happened to the insane. He could not bear that, he could bear all other things but not that. "I had something to take care of." he answered evasively.

"Do not try my patience Fili, it's thin enough as it is. Why didn't you come home?"

"I didn't have a reason. I just didn't feel like it. I'm old enough to decide when I come home, I don't need a curfew." said Fili boldly, deciding to lie again. Better that they think him a belligerent dwarfling than a raging madman.

"So this was just rebellion?!" Dis shouted.

Fili said nothing and chanced a look at Dis and Thorin's faces. His mother looked livid, while Thorin vaguely curious.

"I see..." began Dis her voice shaking from trying to suppress her outrage. "Well then, we will more on to your behavior towards your Uncle, though that makes more sense to me now."

"I doubt it, Mum." Fili thought to himself.

"Thorin informed me that when confronted about your behavior, you became incensed that you would have to submit to whatever course of action we decided on, that you struck him and ran off. What was your reasoning for doing such a thing? Or did you not have a reason to do that either? Do you thrive off of discord, Fili?"

"No..."

"Then why?"

"I do not know why! I became irrationally angry for no reason and I can't even blame that on the Be-"

Fili gasped and quickly shut his mouth, hoping that his slip went unnoticed. For the most part it did. Dis was to angry that Fili had yelled at her that she didn't catch the last part. Fili flashed a look at Kili and knew that it had been picked up on by him, and if Thorin's raised brow was of any indication, he had as well. But since Thorin had not spoken to Fili, nor indeed at all, throughout Dis's interrogation, Fili doubted he would do so now, and Kili was obviously not allowed to speak.

"So you decided to act like a rebellious dwarfling, disrespect your uncle and then run off. I see."

"Mum, please..."

"I did not give you permission to speak!"

"May I please say something?"

Dis looked as though she could have exploded but said nothing and Fili took that as a sign to continue.

"I know what I did was wrong and shameful and I wish to apologize to Uncle for it."

Dis nodded her consent and gestured to Thorin.

"I'm sorry, Uncle. For everything that happened this morning. I shouldn't have said the things I said and I shouldn't have punched you. It was wrong of me, and I'm very sorry!" Fili said in earnest, a few unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry Uncle."

"Apology accepted, Fili." Thorin answered, without looking at him.

Fili tried to blink the fresh tears that sprang to his eyes at his uncle's cold forgiveness, but knew that he deserved no less. He didn't deserve his uncle's love after what he had said. Dis nodded her approval again and said.

"Now there is one other matter that we have to discuss, Fili. Concerning you starting fights. Dwalin said he feared for the other dwarflings life! He had to stop you from killing him! Did you not get enough with your Uncle, that you had to go out and find someone one to strike?"

"That's not how it was..." began Fili, tears brimming in his eyes again. "I wasn't going to kill him..." even to his own ears Fili's reply had no conviction.

"Seeing as how everything leading up to this point have been acts of selfish rebellion, I believe that it is safe to assume that this, too, was an act of rebellion. Have you no thought for your family, Fili? You are of the line of Durin, and Thorin's heir and I expect you to act as such, Fili. You are to lead by example, not only for your brother but for the people you will one day rule."

Thorin suddenly laid a hand on his sister's.

"Dis..."

It was all Thorin needed to say. Everyone in the room understood his silent meaning. Even Fili understood that his uncle had told his mother that he was to be disciplined as a son not as a subject or a prince. It touched Fili that his uncle would still do that much for him when he didn't deserve it. Dis understood the meaning and stood up from the chair.

"Thorin, seeing as how the worst infraction Fili has made was against you personally, and all the rest were against the rules that you and I both laid out, it is your right to see to Fili's punishment."

Fili looked up almost hoping that Thorin would be the one to punish him. By doing so would prove that he had not completely destroyed the father relationship he had had with his uncle.

"No, Dis. It is not my place to discipline Fili."

Fili's stomach dropped to his boots and he hung his head. By one stupid angry sentence, he had ruined everything between his uncle and himself. The only thing that Fili could hope for now was that he had not done the same for Kili.

Dis looked at Thorin strangely for a moment then said.

"Very well. Lets go get that hand of yours tended to and then I want you go fetch the birch switch and wait for me in your room. You have much to answer for. Lying, hitting you uncle, starting fights..."

"The fight wasn't my fault..."

"That is an excuse, Fili." said Dis.

"But it wasn't!"

"Did you or did you not, start the fight?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then it's your fault."

"But-"

"Then it is your fault!" Dis repeated more forcefully. "Now if you continue to delay, you'll be getting double. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Mum..." Fili said and he fell into step with his mother.

oOo

Fili lay on his stomach with his face buried in the bed sheets. He had been confined to the room for the rest of the night and without any supper. He hadn't eaten since that morning, and all he felt could do at that moment was cry. He didn't know quite what time it was, though he knew that it wasn't very late because Kili hadn't come to bed yet. As though he heard Fili's thoughts, Kili opened the door and came into the room. He walked to the bed and sat on the edge of it.

"Here, Fee. I brought you some bread."

Fili looked up.

"But Mum said I wasn't to have any supper tonight."

"Yeah, well, you did work for awhile in the forge before, well...Uncle Thorin was against you not having anything to eat too, I grabbed some when Mum wasn't looking."

"Thanks Kee. You didn't get into any trouble did you?" Fili asked as he stuffed a piece into his mouth.

"No, I told them that I covered for you in the hopes that you would tell me was had been bothering you, and that was the truth. I was scolded a little but nothing worse than that."

"Lucky you..."said Fili rubbing his bottom.

"We're all worried about you, Fee. Won't you please at least tell me what is the matter?"

"You already know why. I'm just a rebellious dwarfling that can't lead by example." Fili gasped out, tears starting to fall from his eyes.

"You are a terrible liar, Fili. You're lucky Mum was so angry that she missed most of them. I can assure you neither me nor Uncle did."

"Why would Uncle care anyway? He hates me now. How could he not? I told him to stop pretending to be my father and then I punched him, how could he not hate me? He proved that anyway when he said it wasn't his right to punish me!" Fili burst into tears fully and let his head fall into his hands. "I have injured him beyond repair!"

"Uncle does not hate you, Fee." said Kili wrapping his arms around Fili's shoulders. "And I doubt anything you could say would damage him beyond repair."

"You didn't see his face..." mumbled Fili as he buried face in his brother's shirt.

After several minutes of being held, Fili calmed himself. He pulled back from Kili's chest and stared at the floor.

"You almost told." said Kili quietly.

"What?"

"You almost told what has been bothering you. As you were trying to explain to Mum that you didn't know why you hit Uncle Thorin. You said that you couldn't even blame the whatever it was. You caught yourself before you finished. What couldn't you blame your behavior on?"

Fili opened his opened and closed his mouth several times, but couldn't give the answer.

"I've told you before, you can tell me anything."

"D-don't tell anyone else"

Kili nodded his consent.

"I-I don't exactly know how to explain..." Fili paused "I'm insane, Kili!" he blurted out tearfully.

Kili blinked at Fili, but said nothing and allowed Fili to ramble.

"He controls me, even when I don't want him to take over! But with Grudri I didn't bother to fight it, not that I would have won but still. And what if I'm not stopped?! What if I kill somebody? Dwalin feared for his life. What if I kill one of you? What will I do if they send me away? Or if he takes over and those claws rip someone to shreds? That's how my mind is and-"

"Stop, Fili...Stop." said Kili "I don't understand what you're saying. What would make you think you're insane? Who controls you? Why would you kill someone? Why would we send you away?"

"It's the Beast..." Fili mumbled quietly.

"Beast? What beast? What are you talking about?"

"T-there's a Beast inside...I call it a beast because that's what it feels like...He controls my mind and makes me do things I don't want to do...I can see him inside my mind. He's why I get into fights...That's what I was doing when I didn't come home the other night. He makes me want to fight and kill a-and I'm afraid that I will if someone isn't there to stop me. Dwalin stopped me this time. If he hadn't I'm sure I would have killed Grudri."

"No, no you wouldn't have. You would have stopped yourself first." said Kili.

"No, I don't think I would be able to, Kili. I can't think, a red haze falls over my eyes and that's all that matters. Once the Beast has me locked in his blue eyed gaze, once he roars, I no longer have control. I don't think, I just act. I could kill you, if that happens! Or Mum or Uncle Thorin or anybody! And once they find out that I'm insane then I will be sent away like all the other madmen! I'll have brought shame on the line of Durin! I'll-"

"Stop it, Fili! Listen to me! You are not insane! I don't know what is plaguing you, but it is not insanity! insane people don't know or think that they are insane, so you can't be. And neither Uncle Thorin or Mum is going to send you away." said Kili forcefully, hugging his brother to his chest.

"Uncle might now, after what I said to him..."

"No, he won't, and even if does then they will be sending me away with you, and then we can be madmen together." Kili laughed, trying to lighten the mood somewhat.

Fili smiled and pulled back from Kili, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Out of curiosity, other than what you call 'The Beast', why did you fight Grudri" asked Kili.

"When I was on my way home I heard a scream and followed the sound until I found him and a lass in an alley. He was rough housing her and I don't want to even think about what he was going to do to her. She kept trying to get away and screamed again and then The Beast roared and I fought him and apparently almost killed him." Fili answered.

"Why didn't you tell that to Mum and Uncle?"

"Mum didn't give the chance to."

"Well she'll be finding out tomorrow!" said Kili vehemently.

"No! If you tell her that I was helping that girl, then she'll want to know why I didn't stop after I had won. Don't tell anyone anything, Kili! You promised!" said Fili desperately.

"Alright, fine..."

"After the fight, after Dwalin had stopped me, The Beast's continued roaring in my head made me sick. I was so angry afraid that I punched a wall twice. Physical pain makes the roaring go away, so maybe if I do that before I get into a fight I can control The Beast." said Fili quietly.

Fili was not expecting the hand that drew back and slapped him across the face. He blinked, stunned, and then demanded angrily.

"What was that for?!"

"Don't you ever, even so much as think about self injuring yourself again! You think that will help? D-don't you even!" Kili spluttered with rage.

Fili didn't understand his brother's outburst. After any form of control of the monster in his mind would be far better than him killing someone because of The Beast. Fili had no intention of obeying Kili, but since he had never seen Kili this angry, he decided it was best to placate him.

"Alright, Kili. I'm sorry, that was wrong of me." said Fili, adding in his mind "Wrong of me to have told you, that is."

Kili nodded, but still regarded Fili a little warily. But after a moment or two seemed to shake off the apprehensive look from his face. Fili's eyes itched with tiredness and he shuddered and yawned. The days activities were finally catching up on him. Kili saw and playfully pushed Fili down on the pillows and then began to apologize profusely when Fili yelped in pain as his backside hit the bed. Fili waved him off and curled up on his side and watched as Kili changed and crawled into the bed beside him. He sighed almost contentedly. It had felt surprising good to confess. He snuggled deeper into covers and sighed again. Fili was almost asleep when he heard Kili speak.

"One more thing, Fili."

"Hmmmmmm?"

"Do you feel like you want to fight and kill all the time?"

"No...Why?"

"Just wondering...Goodnight Fili."

Well there is, and I hope you enjoyed it! Thought I should warn you now it may be a week or two before the next chapter is up. I hope you all aren't bored with this story yet because there is probably going to be two or three more chapters before the end. I still not quite sure how the ending is going to work out soooo yeah...Reviews will make Fili and especially me, smile!