Note: Sorry for taking so long to update! I hope you enjoy the new mess our boys are getting into :D
"Mesa be so happy yousa be asken me to judge yousa baking competition!"
Voldemort glanced sideways at Vader. He couldn't quite shake the feeling that underneath the stoic mask, the Sith Lord's eye was twitching rapidly.
"It's not too late to call in someone else you know."
Vader gritted his teeth. "You know perfectly well that there was no one else we could get this quickly. It was either this or that Umbridge toad, and unless you want sit through a lecture on the benefits of order and pink suits I suggest we suck it up and allow the Gungan to judge. He does not realize who I am and should therefore remain impartial."
"But what kind of idiot would agree to help two Dark Lords judge a baking competition?" asked Voldemort.
Vader just stared at him.
"Anyhow, more importantly, what are his judging qualifications?" Voldemort shielded his cake protectively. "I refuse to allow my beautiful confection to pass the lips of an unsophisticated tongue."
"Oh yousa not have to be worrying about that Masteren Wizard! Mesa tongue supa sophisticated, see?" Jar Jar's tongue sprang out of his mouth, twirling in an attempt to impress the wizard but instead entangled itself in handles of the kitchen cabinets. As the Gungan attempted to extricate his tongue from the devilish handles, Voldemort turned to glare at Vader once again.
"Oh how wonderful, Vader, I'm so delighted that this judge of yours has lived up to the typical standards of your employees. No class, no ambition, and, most shamefully, no palette." He looked down at his cake "Let's just skip this nonsense and announce me the winner and then we can go kill Potter and his companions-"
"NO we are allowing the Gungan to judge and once I am declared the winner we shall go turn my son and kill his ridiculous friends-"
"Potter!" protested Voldemort.
"Son!" said Vader.
"Potter!"
"Son!"
"Potter!"
"Son!"
"POTTER!"
"POTTER!"
"SON AND THAT IS FINAL!" screeched Voldemort.
"Well if you insist," answered Vader calmly.
"You bet your metal butt I insist!" hissed the Dark Wizard before pausing. "No, wait, you know perfectly well that's not what I meant!"
"We all know what you meant, so if we could just be on our way-" started Vader when a bumbling figure suddenly came stumbling toward the Sith Lord's position, having finally managed to free his tongue at the expense of his already limited supply of coordination. Lord Vader could only stare in horror as his dark chocolate cake flew out of his arms, watching as the confection made its slow and devastating descent towards the kitchen tiles. For a moment after the impact, the trio merely stared at the sad slump of bread and frosting that lay spattered on the floor, the filler jelly leaking from the center like a congealing pool of blood. Jar Jar's wide eyes remained fixated on the mutilated cake, while Voldemort's face twisted in strange expression of surprise and glee. Vader looked like he was about to cry.
"Me-Mesa so sorry, mesa didn't mean to hurt yousa cake," stammered Jar Jar before the wizard drowned out his rest of his apology with a howl of laughter.
"It would appear that I have won!" said Voldemort as he threw off his "Kiss the Cook" apron and brandished his cake triumphantly, "Seeing as how mine is not licking the floor tiles." He continued his celebratory jig around the kitchen before freezing as an invisible Force-push shoved his cake into his nose-less face.
"Oh dear, is that fruit cake?" Vader rolled his eyes behind his mask. "It looks like I just did the Gungan, and whoever else would have had the supreme misfortune to eat that creation, a tremendous favor." He walked over and patted the fuming wizard's shoulder, careful to avoid the remnants of the cake dripping off of it. "You're quite welcome."
"You-you-"
"And as for you," continued Vader slowly as he turned toward the trembling Gungan, his tone dropping to a glacial temperature, "I loved that cake. I poured what was left of my heart and soul into that cake. And you, YOU took it away from me. You're finished!" He lunged at Jar Jar but a pair of thin but strong arms held him back.
"No, you fool, you're supposed to be fighting me, not him!" said an annoyed Voldemort as Vader flailed his arms in attempt to reach the cowering Gungan. "This is our battle, you nitwit, and if you kill him we will not have anyone to judge our cakes. We just have to make two more."
"There will never be another cake like that!" sobbed Vader "It was special! It understood me!"
"You Drama Lord, it was going to be eaten anyway!"
"But then it would have gone honorably, allowing me to defeat your tasteless heap of flour and fruit! Now, it just sits there… butchered," whispered Vader as kneeled by the remains of the chocolate cake.
Voldemort pouted. "Why must you assume that my fruitcake would have stood no chance?"
"Please."
"Well, go on and build a little pyre for your cake, or bury it, or whatever it is you wish to do, but then get on with making another one! We must settle our dispute once and for all!" He turned to Jar Jar who was attempting to edge as far away from the sobbing Sith Lord as possible. "Now I have no quarrel with you," he began, but the Gungan, in his haste to put some distance between himself and Vader ran straight into an overloaded shelf, bumping dozens of pots and pans off the wooden panel, one of which landed right onto an unfortunate Dark Lord's unprotected cranium.
"OWWWWW!" screamed Voldemort as he clutched his head and howled before composing himself enough to inspect the damage in the reflection of the offending pan. When he saw the dark bruise that began to crawl over his forehead he snapped his attention back to Jar Jar. "You've ruined my flawless complexion," he said softly.
"You have a mole," reminded a distant electronic voice.
"How dare you!" roared Voldemort as he made to snatch the Gungan and throttle him. However, wisely judging that his presence was no longer desired, Jar Jar fled as the Dark Lord attempted to find his way out of the sea of pots now surrounding him. After a few moments of futile thrashing, the Dark Lord suddenly gaped as the pans rose into the air and out of his way. He turned to Vader, who was setting the pans toward the edge of the kitchen before turning to the wizard.
"That Gungan is toast."
"Indeed."
A/N: So I debated putting JarJar in this, because I realllllly don't like him, but figured hey, the only thing better than not having Jar Jar around is having two villains trying to destroy him :D
Please feel free to leave a comment! Thanks for reading!