Chapter 4
I think many of you are starting to think, "What the hell is up with this psycho bitch?" She basically gets kidnapped and finds herself in a disgusting apartment with two strange men and she's not freaking out, not trying to escape, and even concedes to the fact that they're both rather…attractive. You might be thinking—a pitiful human with far too many weaknesses, a pathetic woman with no independence, or, perhaps, Stockholm Syndrome. But I'd disagree with you, except maybe the last one, which may actually be true if this situation counts as kidnapping.
These thoughts start to creep into my mind and for the first time in a long time and I start to think how ashamed my mother would've been. And Jack. Especially Jack.
I slow my steps and walk behind Connor and Murphy to make myself feel better about this. How can I be here with the two of them? I'm depressed. I'm fuckin cold. I'm getting waves of cigarette smoke blown directly into my face.
I hear a dull thwack and look up; Connor hits Murphy in the chest with the back of his hand as they walk side by side. He gestures emphatically and points back at me with his thumb. Murphy tries to defend himself with hand gestures as well. They're not speaking but are clearly having a detailed discussion up there. Suddenly Murphy stops walking, turns slightly and holds open his pack of cigarettes. He's offering me one but doesn't say a word, won't look at me.
"No thanks." I say, and my voice shivers with the cold. It's a bit too quiet for my liking and Murphy seems unsure of what to do with himself.
"Ya fuckin' idiot!" Connor breaks the chilling stillness. He walks back to where Murphy and I are standing, takes off his coat, and hands it to me with a smile.
"Thank you." I say, slip on the coat and begin to walk again. I see we're nearly at Andrew station; we're getting on the Red Line I suppose…
"Ya t'ink a fuckin' cigarette's gonna do any good?" Connor gives Murphy a swift smack to the back of his head.
"Fuckin' ass!" Murphy grumbles back and tries to grab hold of his brother to fight back but Connor snakes away and quickly matches his steps to mine.
"Stupid, stupid…" He mumbles as he sidles up next to me. "Apologies, Murph's got no manners."
"It's fine." I sound emotionless. I almost feel bad for the rude aura I'm giving off but I just can't help but feel like this is wrong, I shouldn't be here, going wherever we're going. I feel like I'm betraying him, and it's too soon. It feels like it'll always be too soon.
"Somethin' wrong, Fi?" Connor asks, and I hate the way it sounds when he says my name. He shouldn't be saying it, not when it sounds so familiar. I'm getting angry with myself; frustrated and confused all at once but my feet are still carrying me in the direction of Andrew Station. I don't understand it.
"Yes!" It comes out so harsh, and then there's no stopping it. "Yes, there is something wrong! What am I doing here? Why am I with you two; where the fuck are we even going? I can't-I can't do this shit anymore!" I'm heated. My eyes hurt, right at the back; a dull and throbbing pain I blame on the hangover rather than tears. But I know they'll come soon, if I say another word they'll pour out and I'll be another sleaze on the streets bawling about lost hope and my future going to shit.
He places a hand on my back and hands me a card. I look at it just for a second and I'm done. My tears come out painfully, one after another, each sending another blow of pain to my already aching head. It hurts so much when you haven't cried in so long; I feel weak and amped all at once. I clutch the card in my hand with everything left inside me.
In Loving Memory of Jack S. Donovan
B: March 15, 1973 D: September 4, 1997
Quod incepimus conficiemus.
St. Leonard's Church
Hanover Street Boston, Massachusetts
It was a simple memorial. Just like he would've wanted. All the facts laid out plainly, no pretense, just simply himself on card, and a message to me. I knew it was for me. For all eyes but only for my comprehension.
"What we have begun," Connor spoke quietly, careful not to upset me further.
"We shall finish." Murphy had caught up and took up on the other side of me.
Or perhaps it was for someone else's too.
A/N: Uhhh, yup. I hope this semi-makes up for Chapter 3. Still not good, I knows D: But I wrote it today just to get another update out since I felt bad about the last one...at least this gives an idea about what to (hopefully) look forward to. A plot! Which has nothing to do with my earlier plot, but suddenly just appeared, and will continue to appear as I go. Yup, that's right, threw away my idea of planning ahead and now I'm just going to wing it! :D
Fi is, clearly, not acting her usual self. :o She's been having some emotional issues/turmoil lately so she isn't in the greatest of spirits-though she does love her spirits ;p