*** Panicked Dwarves, Warg-mounted Orcs, rabbit sleds, frantic chase scene... the only thing missing was Yakety Sax... and a lonely she-Elf... ***

Dating Secrets of the Noldor

His face was pressed into the dirt, a knee at the back of his neck. Graug couldn't shift to clear his nose and mouth, nor could he seem to move the rest of his body. Whoever was sitting on him was tying up his wrists as well as pinning him helplessly to the ground.

Well, this sucks, he mused, spitting dirt from his mouth.

"Oh good, you're awake," a lilting voice said. "This would be dreadful if you were dead."

Oh crap. A she-Elf. They were worse than those Laketown bints.

"Uh... somethin' you want?" he ventured, trying to keep his voice steady while various diversionary tactics rattled desperately through his mind.

"Don't get me started," she groaned, sliding off him. He rolled his neck to relieve the ache she'd caused. Graug had a feeling this one would prove to be a pain in a few other places as well. "Do you have any idea how uptight Elves are?"

"I think I can guess," he replied absently as he surreptitiously stretched and flexed his wrists. Nope, those knots were good and tight. Dammit.

"Always reading books and scrolls," she lamented, warming to the subject. "Debating about who could most likely be blamed for the fall of Gondolin, how many times Glorfindel has returned from Valinor, and whether the frickin' peaches are likely to be late this season because of the frost. Gaaaah!"

"So... whattaya want with me, then?" Graug asked. The slope down which he'd tumbled when some Elf unseated him earlier seemed horribly steep, endlessly long, and so far out of reach he may as well be buried alive. With a she-Elf. Who the hell had he pissed off?

"You're not at all like an Elf," she told him matter-of-factly, and he snorted with amusement.

"You got that right," the Orc agreed. At least she'd recognized that he was green; good for her.

"And at the moment, you're rather at loose ends."

"Humph," he grunted. "My commander probably thinks I'm dead, so yeah." Eying the Elf suspiciously, he added, "I'm guessin' you got somethin' in mind, eh?"

"Oh yes," she nodded determinedly. "I have two tickets to see The Slipper and the Rose and absolutely nobody wants to go."

"Uh... yer kiddin' me," he said after a stunned moment.

"Not at all," she replied, shaking her head. "All you have to do is spruce yourself up a bit. And... well... look like you're enjoying yourself."

"I might if we was gonna be seein' Into the Woods," he groused. "You want a good fairy tale musical, that's yer play."

"Oh, please!" she scoffed. "It's so contrived!"

"Covers yer Cinderella story better'n that crap you got tickets fer," he snorted. "It ain't all about fancy shoes and happy ever afters, yuh know."

"Says you. Look, we'll see mine, I'll get tickets to see yours, then we'll compare. Fair enough?"

Narrowing his eyes, Graug regarded her suspiciously. "Do I gotta wear a tie?"

"No," she snapped. "It's community theater."

He hesitated, chewing his lip. "Can I get Milk Duds?"

"Of course," she sighed. "And popcorn if you wish. Anything you like."

"You gonna untie me, or am I gonna walk in there lookin' like yer boyfriend under house arrest?" he grumbled.

The she-Elf rolled her eyes. "Yes, now will you come?"

Huffing resignedly, he growled, "Yeah, sure."

As she cut his bonds and helped him sit up, Graug leveled a threatening finger in her face. "You better not shirk on yer promise. I wanna see Into the Woods after your crap is done."

"I promise," she said impatiently. "Now come on; the curtain goes up in an hour and you have got some major sprucing to do."

"No flowery stinkin' crap," he warned as she shoved him ahead of her down the tunnel to Imladris. "I got a reputation to protect."