My mom tried to be supportive.
She moved a TV up in my room. She also adjusted it so I could see it perfectly from my bed. But I didn't use it.
I dug my face into my pillow.
It's a dream. I convinced myself. This is all a dream.
I wedged my head between two pillows and slammed them together.
And then I bawled.
This wasn't a dream. Jesse was dead. His soul was gone somewhere I wouldn't know.
I thought about traveling through time, and go to that purply place with the smoke and transformer guy. I tried it.
I thought, hey, what the heck, I'll get him back.
But it didn't work.
I imagined myself there, and I didn't move an inch.
I wasn't in the weird and purple place. I was still in my bedroom with two pillows wedged around my head.
I finally turned on the TV and lay down with the covers up to my nose.
I was watching a story about a girl being stabbed five times on Judge Judy. My hair was messy and would probably leave a greasy slick mark on my pillow. But I didn't dare move.
I just wanted to focus on other peoples problems, and not mine.
Not my problem.
Not my Jesse.
But his voice kept ringing in my ears, his song, his music.
I felt guilty, too.
I should have finished the song for him. Was the only thing I thought when Judy was defending her case. It was for him, and I didn't even do it right.
"Guilty!" Judy yelled. I turned up the volume and slammed the two pillows on my head.
"Suzie? Honey?" My mom.
I didn't say anything.
"I brought you some food."
Silence.
Finally she opened the door and dropped a few bags on the ground.
"Brad is moving his mini fridge in here so you can keep your food good. Wasn't that nice?"
I just stared at the celeing.
"Oh, baby." She walked over and stroked my hair. "I know your sad."
I let out a sob.
"I got you some things at the mall. You can look through them if you want." She kissed my forehead and moved the bags closer to my bed.
When she left, Brad came right in, silently, set up the mini-fridge next to my bed and loaded all the food in it as quietly as he could.
"Sorry Suze." He said finally, walking through the door.
As he shut it, I threw a pillow at the door.
How dare he even say sorry? He didn't care about Jesse, OR me. He was just shedding disrespect all over the room.
I pulled the pillows over my eyes and fell asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up to my stomach growling. I was going to have to move.
As I stepped out of bed, I seemed to pour gloominess all over everything. The windows weren't pretty anymore. The ocean was just a sea of black. Nothing was good anymore. Everything, everything was just… wrong.
I opened the mini fridge. Brad had even managed to take the food out of the Zhers bags.
There were mini pizzas, there were bottles of milk and Dr Pepper, there were fruits and there were milkshakes. I took out a strawberry blend and shut the fridge.
I sat in my bed drinking it with a straw. It tasted horrible. It stuck to my throat and sat in my stomach. Not that the milkshake tasted bad. But I had a feeling that everything I ate would feel like that.
"Jesse." I whispered, and then I started crying again.
---------------------------------------------
After I had calmed down, I whimpered and slid under the covers again. I left my milkshake container on the ground.
"She has been sitting on her bed for hours just sulking! I don't know if she has even eaten anything!" I heard my mother say from outside.
"Well go in and talk to her." Andy said back.
"Fine." She hissed, and then she knocked on the door.
"Baby?"
I didn't say anything back. I just turned up the tv. Will and Grace was on.
"Can I come in?"
I turned the TV up to its extent.
She creaked open the door.
"What are you doing, honey?"
I kept looking at the TV, making it obvious that I was watching Will and Grace.
"Oh baby. I know youre upset, honey, but you need to eat something."
"I had a milkshake." I grumbled.
"That's not enough. Have some pizza. Do you want me to order from—"
"No."
"Do you want Jake to bring you something?" I shook my head.
She picked up the bag by the door.
"I bought you some stuff. You should look through it, okay honey?"
"Mmph."
She placed the bag by my feet and walked out.
I searched through the bag.
Foo Fighters CD. I tossed it on the bed.
Nail Polish. Like I wanted to paint my nails.
Complete Season of Grey's Ananomy.
Doctors.
Jesse wanted to be a doctor.
I was blinded by tears as I threw the DVD at the wall.
I cried and cried between the two pillows as I drifted off to sleep.