Mans
"Why Mans go?!" Rupert asked angrily from inside the Crooked House. "Should be Rupert!"
"Rubbert's right, Mens!" Samuel said as he walked out of the refrigerator. "Rubbert needs some fresh hair! Let him go out and drain some grains!"
"Me not Rubbert!" Rupert yelled at Samuel. "Me am Rupert! They spelled different!"
"Whatever you say, Rubbert." Samuel said, dismissing the correction with a wave of the hand. "But, I stand firm; Mens should got out to brain some drains, not Rubbert."
"Brain some... what?" Mans asked, confused at Samuel's strange way of speaking. "Look, I'm going and that's final; after all, I am the best at what I do... and that's everything! You guys just wait here; I'll be back in a way that only I can be back!" With that, he walked out of the front door of the Crooked House.
"Ladies and Censors, all rise; Reverse Court now in session." The bailiff said to the group of people gathered in the strange courtroom. For some reason, everything was reversed; the seal behind the judge was reversed, any writing at all was backwards, and the lawyer was honest.
At least, Ricardo felt like he was honest. Sure, he used his psychic powers to blackmail people. So what? Didn't all of the other Psychonauts?
Ricardo was roughly sixteen. He wore a brown, leather jacket and blue jeans. His boots, for one reason or another, had spurs on them. Next to Ricardo stood a meek-looking little man in an oversized tuxedo.
"The Honorable Judge Edicimoh now presiding." The bailiff said as the giant of a man suddenly appeared. He was dressed as any judge might dress.
"Let's get this party started." The Judge said. "Now, Ricardo, if your client is found guilty, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of community service; namely, the community service of mass homicide to get rid of everyone who's guilty."
"How is that community serv—?" Ricardo started to ask, but was interrupted by his ring tone.
"Ooh, that's catchy." The Judge said as he began moving his shoulders to the beat of 'One Short Day.'
"Uh... s-sorry." Ricardo said. "I gotta take this." He flipped open his cell phone and put it to his ear. "Uh... hello?"
"Ricardo, this is Sasha." The voice on the other end said. "Where are you right now?"
"I'm in some guy's mind." Ricardo said as he cast a look at the little man standing next to him. "Can this wait? I need to play lawyer."
"Ricardo, I've told you about the new Psychonaut, Razputin, right?" Sasha asked. "No." "Oh... Did I tell you a kid named Razputin snuck into the camp?" "No." "... Did I tell you there was a kid named Razputin?" "Nobody tells me anything!"
Sasha sighed. "Look, Ricardo, he's investigating a problem in Peach Creek Estates. I feel he might need your help."
"Why me?" Ricardo asked curiously. "Why not someone with more experience?"
"You were the youngest available Psychonaut I could find." Sasha said from wherever he was. "The only other ones that could work are Lili and Yolanda, but I can't find them."
"Fine, fine, fine." Ricardo said. "As soon as I help this nut-job out, I'll head to Peach Creek and—." He suddenly stopped. "Wait... Peach Creek...?"
"... I don't know, buddy." Jonny said to Plank as they walked down the hall and towards their locker. "Maybe they did clone him."
Raz, who was taking a textbook out of his locker, looked over at the large-headed boy and his wooden board. "That kid said 'Psychonauts'... but he said that wooden board said it." He thought hard about it. "I guess the dude's just an insane psychic; there are a lot of those out there. Or maybe he's just confused. I mean, Chloe Barge thought her mind-reading powers were alien transmissions; this kid could think they're that wooden board."
"Hey, Jonny-boy..." Eddy said as he walked over to Jonny. "You wanna buy the latest fashion statement to hit Peach Creek?"
"Wha—?" Jonny started to say, but was cut short by Eddy holding up a hat like Double D's right in his face.
"Introducing the latest and greatest headwear ever to... head... wear..." Eddy said, confused as to what to say. "Double D-brand hats! Now you, too, can hide your secrets under a sock-like hat... um... Extra large costs more."
"Cool!" Jonny said as he grabbed the hat and tried to put it on. "It's too small..." he said sadly.
Eddy pulled out an almost comically large hat from his pocket. "Here you go, Jonny-boy." He said. "That'll be 75 cents. Oh, and, uh... if Plank wants one, it's a dollar."
Jonny paid Eddy the money for the two hats and walked away, him and his wooden friend both wearing them.
"Sucker." Eddy said to himself. He was about to walk away, when he spotted something on the ground. It was a note. "What's this?" He asked as he picked the note up and unfolded it.
You're invited!
A party in the gym, with you as the guest of honor! Free punch and chips and lots of jawbreakers! Plus, you'll win 100, 1,000, or 10,000 dollars! Please show up at the gym alone during lunch. If you do not arrive alone, we'll give the money to the government.
Signed, Kidd
Eddy's eyes instantly widened. Dollar signs appeared in them. Money, jawbreakers, and shady operations! What luck!
With a greedy grin, he pocketed the note and walked away. The lunch bell was ringing.
"What's the matter, kid?" Stefan's older brother asked as he lurked behind another boy at the camp. They were both standing in front of the lake, where several of the other kids were wading, including Stefan and Sven who, for some reason, now wore an eye-patch.
"Don't tell me you can't swim." Stefan's older brother said mockingly. "They didn't teach you how at the circus?"
"This is something completely different." The boy said, trying to resist the urge to make the older boy's head explode.
"Oh, you're afraid of the water?" The older brother asked. "You know, the only way to get rid of your fears is to face them..."
Without anymore warning, the older boy shoved the boy from the circus into the water. Then, something odd happened. As soon as the boy was in deep enough, a ghostly hand formed in the water, grabbed him, and tried to drag him in.
"Hey!" Sven yelled as he swam over to the boy and struggled to pull him free. Stefan swam over instantly and began helping him. His older brother just stared at the hand, shocked.
Finally, they managed to pull him out and threw him back on land. "That wasn't cool, Marko!" Sven yelled at the older boy. "He didn't want to go in the water and you just shoved him in! That hand could've drowned him!"
Marko, Stefan's older brother, simply stared in disbelief at the water, and then at the boy he had nearly drowned.
"I'm leaving." He said finally as he suddenly turned and walked away. Stefan, surprised at his sudden action, got out of the water and followed him.
"Marko..." he asked as he pulled at his brother's sleeve. "Why are you leaving?"
A man who seemed to be in his fifties faced off with the other man on a rooftop. "Look, just give up, Mask." The older man said to the man standing across from him. "The Psychonauts will just keep chasing after you."
The man was dressed in a black trench coat, black cape, black shirt, black pants, a black hat, and wore a white mask that covered his entire face. If 'V for Vendetta' had come out yet, the mask would have reminded the older man of that movie.
"You will address me as 'The Marvelous Mr. Mask.'" The man said as he dramatically tossed the corner of his cape off, causing it to fly in the air a bit. "Honestly, Ford, show some respect for your opponent."
"How's this for respect?" Ford asked as he suddenly launched a PSI Blast at Mr. Mask.
With relative ease, Mr. Mask somehow caught the blast. "Tsk, tsk, tsk." He said as he wagged the finger of his free hand. "You disappoint me, Ford." He said as the blast began growing bigger.
"When we first met..." Mr. Mask said as he bounced the blast in his hand, "I said I was going to break you. I will now make good on that promise."
With relative ease, he tossed the Blast back at Ford, hitting him right on the head. Shaken, Ford fell to the ground.
"Maybe now you'll see the world the way we see it." Mr. Mask said as he turned invisible and ran away.
Stefan cried as he wandered in the woods near the camp. He had no friends; there was no doubt about that. The only friendly face around here was his brother, and Marko was slightly insane from casting a spell once.
Depressed, Stefan sat down on a rock and looked up at the sky. "Please..." he said to the sky. "Is there anyone who'll be my friend?" Then, the meteor struck.
In a large mansion, a man looked at the plate of food in front of him; meat, lettuce, and some bread. Feeling creative, the man put the lettuce and meat in between two slices of bread. "I'll call it..." he said as he looked it over, "the sandwich."
Double D groaned as he put his hand to his head; these memories were coming more and more frequent. He had learned several days ago that the memories were being shown out of order; a memory of cavemen inventing fire had come after a memory of Weird Al eating cereal.
He looked at Ed, who was sitting across from him and eating a very moldy sandwich. Eddy was nowhere to be found. However, Double D had not time to think about this, as he soon began having more flashbacks.
Eddy walked into the gym wearing the tuxedo he always kept in his locker, just like any normal person. There were decorations for a party; balloons, tables, and streamers, but there was no food, no people, and, most importantly, no money.
Suddenly, the doors to the gym closed. "I knew that invitation would bring my prey to me." A voice said as, suddenly, a man appeared next to the closed door. He had spiky, red hair and wore a brown t-shirt and khaki pants.
"Who are you...?" Eddy asked, fearful.
"My name is Mans!" Mans yelled, declaring his name as if it was the most important word ever. "I am the greatest being alive! You may clap now."
"Say what?" Eddy asked, confused at Mans' behavior. "You alright there?"
"I am perfect!" Mans yelled, suddenly furious. "How dare you think otherwise?! How... dare... you?!" Something black was coming out of his ear.
"Oh, crap." Eddy said as he began backing away from Mans, fearful. A black tentacle had emerged from his ear. Mans, suddenly cheerful, was humming what sounded to Eddy like a jazz tune.
Suddenly, the black tentacle lunged at Eddy. Terrified for his life, Eddy covered his head with his hands, but to no avail. The tentacle went up his nose. Eddy heard Mans, now singing the lyrics to the song: "... and if at first they think it's strange/ they won't think twice if they don't have a brain!"
"What's going on here, man?" Kevin asked as he struggled to open the gym doors. They had been locked, somehow, and it was getting on Kevin's nerves; he hadn't been sleeping well lately due to strange dreams.
"What goes on, Kevin?" Rolf asked as he walked up to his friend, followed by the rest of the kids.
"This stupid door's locked." Kevin said. "I don't know what's going on, but—."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
The scream shocked everyone, making them take a step back. "Was that Eddy?" Double D asked, worried for his friend's safety.
"Sure sounded like the dork." Kevin muttered. "He's probably just trying to get us to fall for one of his scams."
"Yeah." Ed said, oblivious to what he was saying. "He and the other dorks are probably setting up the comic scam again." The idea frightened all of the kids.
"If Eddy was attempting another one of his scams, he would have informed Ed and I." Double D said as he walked over to the door. "We would know if he was attempting anything."
Raz stared at the door, suspicious. "If only I had some animal I could squeeze under the door..." he said to himself. "Like Nils did with the squirrels and the peephole..."
"Ed is hungry!" Ed suddenly yelled out. "Time to eat." "Ed, we just had lunch." Double D said, trying to reason with his friend. "Besides, is now really the best time? Eddy might be in trouble and we can't get in the gym!"
"Oh, allow me, Double D." Ed said as he walked over to the door. He reached for the handle and, instead of pushing as the sign said to, pulled. He pulled with such strength that he yanked the door off of its hinges. Calmly, he laid the door down next to the doorway. "There you go; open, unlocked, and good on potatoes! Yum."
Raz was the first inside; what he saw was confusing, at best. A red-haired man in a brown t-shirt had long, gelatinous, black arms coming out of his ears, which acted as giant legs that kept him several feet above the ground.
Raz narrowed his eyes at the red-haired man; he looked familiar somehow. He wasn't the only one who thought this, as Double D could have sworn he'd seen him before, as well.
Eddy, on the other hand, wasn't able to recognize the man from somewhere, as he was unconscious and was being levitated into the basketball hoop repeatedly.
"What the heck's going on?!" Kevin yelled, confused beyond all reason. He backed away, stunned at what he saw. This was the reaction from most of the other kids, except for Ed, who was too oblivious to the situation, and strangely, Rolf and Jonny.
"Stupid kid..." the man muttered as he used telekinesis to toss Eddy through the basketball hoop and picked him back up. "Made me screw up... nobody can make Mans mess up... Mans is perfect!"
"Uh... Mans, was it?" Raz asked as he tapped the gelatinous arm. "Put him down; NOW."
"Hmm?" Mans asked as he looked down at Raz. "You're the boy who Bill met!" He said, dropping Eddy and pointing at Raz.
"So you and Bill are pals?" Raz asked. "I'm guessing you're in on the brain-draining thing together?"
"Oh, not just us." Mans said with a smile. "There are many other residents of the Crooked House; and then there's our friend... yes, he's the one who we're helping. Our good, good friend; our best friend."
"Ranting." Raz observed. "Yup; you're nuts."
"That stupid kid picked up the note meant for the psychic he had been talking to." Mans said angrily as one of the black arms pointed at Eddy. "I can only drain the energy from psychics!"
"... 'Psychics?'" Kevin repeated, still as confused as the others.
"So that's why you guys are only attacking psychics..." Raz muttered. "But how... how are you...?"
"Wish I could stay and chat." Mans said as he began stomping away on his hands. "But you're inferiority is making me feel depressed."
"Not so fa—." Raz yelled as he attempted to chase after Mans, but was stopped by one of the arms knocking him flat on his back. For some reason, he couldn't get up; someone was pinning him down! He heard stomping, crashing, and laughter.
"Ricardo, we're approaching Peach Creek." The pilot of the jet said. Ricardo yawned and put down his copy of 'So You're Narcoleptic' and rubbed his eyes. He smiled as he prepared to meet the world's youngest Psycho—he suddenly fell asleep again.
Author's Note: Interesting, no? Raz's secret's been revealed, I've introduced a few more characters, and provided clues to who some of the psychics might be? But don't count on anything; I have several plot-twists planned.
Yeah, that sandwich flashback was pretty random... or was it? Okay, it was; no plot value at all. This is what happens when you guys don't review; random junk. I hope this teaches you a lesson.
Next Time: Explanations