First of all, I am sooooo glad you guys are liking this story. Thanks for all the reviews, follows, and alerts. You guys make my day, no joke! I can't even believe the willpower it took to type this chapter. I started a new workout and I come home drained like literally everyday. But, I'm seeing results. Anyway, I owe you another tomorrow. So, I hope you enjoy this one as much as all the rest if not more.

Dilana

False Pretenses

Alice

The hush of early morning had stilled over Forks. Like most sleepy towns in the midst of winter all that could be heard were the sounds of early morning commuters as they drove down the wet, snow slicked streets. The rays of sunshine flooding through my window did little to illuminate the room or provide me with the incentive to get out bed the way it would have had I been back home in my own bedroom. Next to me, my cell phone lay on the pillow vibrating as the usual morning alarm went off and the screen lit. Ignoring it, I slid deeper under my covers so as to avoid facing the world.

I hadn't been in bed very long. I spent most of the night sketching and running through ideas while sleep lingered just outside of my grasp. Eventually, I lay down only to find that sleep would not come as easily as I had hoped, even though I had done my best to mentally exhaust myself. So, instead, I just lay there and listened to the sounds of the random person's car passing through and teenagers too drunk to go home to their parents. And it was here I would stay until I was convinced that I could handle what was going to happen today.

Today I would have to face Bella. We couldn't keep skirting around what happened between us nor could we chop it up to a spur of the moment occurrence. At least I knew I couldn't pretend like I hadn't felt anything when she yelled at me. I couldn't lie and say it didn't hurt to watch her cry, and I damn sure couldn't lie and say I didn't want to fix what happened between us. I wanted to be in Bella's life more than I think either of us could truly fathom. But, I was conflicted all at the same time.

The Bella I knew was a different girl. She wasn't as pessimistic and cynical about everything for one. But, she also didn't have the same look in her eyes that this Bella had. Where there used to be light, there was now nothing but a void of darkness. It wasn't zombie like or the way they describe those girls who are heartbroken. It was just like there were no emotions at all. She wasn't happy, she wasn't hurt. She was just there, living a virtually content life in some sort of grey area. It was like it didn't bother her at all. All of it hurt to see and know that I played at least a small part in. I was still kicking myself over it and I probably would be for the rest of all time.

But in that moment, we were standing face to face, just inches apart and I couldn't stop myself. Every red flag was going up and telling me not to do it. My body was screaming at me not to give in but I allowed myself to yell back and be angry. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel worse than I did because I wasn't supposed to feel anything. She wasn't supposed to matter to me anymore.

The entire time a part of me stayed grounded in the fact that she could push me away and never speak to me again. But she didn't push me away. She let me yell and she yelled back. It was like she wanted me to fight her. I'd never known Bella to even entertain an argument when she didn't really care about someone. It went in one ear and out of the other like water off her back. Yet, there she stood, arguing with me. All that told me was, despite what she was saying or what I wish she felt. She did not hate me. She still cared, no matter how much I didn't want her to. At least if she hated me, I'd have a stronger reason to stay away, a firmer resolve.

Now, I was more confused than ever. As much as I had longed for the days when I'd get to be the one who she'd fight with and fight for, I now wished it had never happened. I had reached the point of no return. There was no turning back and no backing down. We had to face this or I'd never rest.

Pulling back the covers, I got out of bed and headed towards the shower. As I was standing underneath the constant stream of water, I attempted to build my resolve and gain the courage to approach the woman who had been occupying my mind for the last two days. Nothing I did seemed to make it any better though. I couldn't find the courage not to fall into her arms like some love sick puppy and profess my love for her. Everything I thought about and every scenario I played in my head turned out like a romantic lesbian psychodrama. That's not what I wanted. I wanted real.

Life is not a fairytale. I've never met anyone whose life unfolded like something from an oral tradition, or a cracked up Disney movie. No one has ever had a romance that resolved all of their hardships. There hasn't been one couple who didn't have to work HARD to master a challenge. I've never met anyone with unshakable self-esteem. I've never met a couple whose relationship was suddenly and forever void of struggle because they exchanged some half-assed profession of love after a night of drunken commiserating. I didn't have a need to be wanted, but I needed this to be real.

Being "wanted" is an incredible feeling, but life moves in waves and tides. I had long since learned that usually the person we count on to make us feel loved is going to get busy. Life would eventually require her to put her attention elsewhere… even for a time… and what then? So this couldn't be all about being wanted. If I had only aspired to be wanted by Bella I wouldn't be here right now. Instead I'd be in her room with her showing her all the many ways in which I was made to love her. But, I needed more.

I needed to be necessary, to be of as much importance as air to breathe. I wanted to be so important that we had to be together or the world would crumble to little pieces from the absence of the profound love we felt. I wanted the reassurance that in the heat of the moment, I could hate her as much as I hated ugly Christmas sweaters and it wouldn't spell out the end for us. I wanted to know that she was there for me even if she couldn't be there for me. I wanted it all. The fights, the struggles, the happiness…all of it. But most of all, I wanted it to be real because all I had right now was a dream. The worse thing about dreams was that more often than not, they fade away.

Bella

Here I was, standing in the door of my former bedroom, looking much the same as I always had but still inexplicably different. Not much about me had changed in the last ten years with the exception of a few dark circles under my eyes that spoke to sleepless nights and undue stress. Downstairs, my father could be heard jumbling around in the kitchen as the smell of blueberries wafted through the house. Although I knew the morsels of deliciousness awaited downstairs, I did not move.

I just lay there thinking of excuses to get me the hell out of here before Alice took the initiative to show up and make me talk to her. One the one hand, I felt I still had so much to say. But on the other, there weren't enough words to describe what I felt. It made no sense to me that someone who no longer had a presence in my life could come in and cause this much disturbance.

After they all left, for a while everything was good. I'd find time to call or email them between shifts and they'd do the same between classes and the loads of homework they'd put off until the very last minute. But we fell apart, as most people are wont to do. Now, they were all back and we made nice when we saw each other. After all, every year I still received an annual Christmas card for the Cullens and the Hales. Alice would send some clippings of their news stories for my scrapbook and the random thinking of you gifts she'd find during her travels. I was knew where they were and I wanted nothing to do with them.

So why in the hell did I argue with her? Why did I do something so incredibly stupid? It wasn't like we were in a relationship or even fucking each other's brains out or some crap like that. We were arguing, shouting at each other and all I could think about was kissing her. All I could remember as her arms flailed all over the place was how hot she looked and how much I missed her.

I actually thought I missed her.

And so yeah, maybe I did miss her. But when did feelings for people ever go away? Never. No one who has ever truly loved someone can say they don't care for them in some form or fashion. That's just a given. But I did not want to miss Alice because I didn't want to admit that she meant anything to me, ever. I did not want to feel the same emptiness I felt when my best friend left me years ago. Of course the emptiness only grew when I realized just how deeply I loved her.

My whole life I had a plan. A very well thought out, meticulously calculated plan. I'd get through school, go on to college, graduate, get a job, get married to the perfect man, and have a great life together. Nowhere in there did I account for what happened. College got delayed for two years, I realized I was a lesbian…which really shouldn't have been all that much of a shock, looking back on it. My lack of boyfriends for one, and general disinterest in the male gender for another were pretty big giveaways.

Needless to say, even after the sexual aspect was confirmed, it took a while to come to terms with who I was and realizing that it hadn't changed what I wanted from life or how my life would eventually pan out. I could still have everything I wanted, it was only the person who would be next to me when it happened that changed.

Still, I didn't share that information with anyone until after I graduated college. My dad nearly had a heart attack and my mom seemed okay with it, which was great. I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news but it wasn't changing anytime soon so they needed to get on board with that reality.

Once I was perfectly fine with sharing my sexuality, I started to date and I even held down the random relationship here and there. The sex was great, the women were nice with a few exceptions, but they just lacked something. I held unfair expectations for all of them. I kept searching for the feeling of complete togetherness that I'd had with Alice and all of them felt short. Alice Brandon had always been my standard. So naturally, the moment I faced the woman I measured every other one against, I messed it up and did something stupid.

Grabbing my pillow, I pressed it to my face stifling my screams. If I was really going to deal with this, I needed to have a clear head and a drink. Sadly, it was Sunday so drinking was out. It's just bad taste to drink on a religious day I'm supposed to observe…even though I'm not actually a religious person. But then the thought came to me.

I may not be religious, but Alice is.

Actually, I didn't know if religious was the right term for it. Either way I was milking it. In essence, that meant I had at least an hour of brought time. There was no way she'd miss church today, the day before Christmas. If there was some form of higher being, the Powers that Be would make certain she was in someone's church tonight as well. Sighing in relief, I felt myself relaxing slightly as the tension in the back of my neck ebbed a little, providing temporary comfort.

Just when I was about to be brave and go downstairs, my phone rang. The number was one I hadn't seen before and the familiar chime of the phone sounded off, reminding me that I couldn't continue to stare at it like some sort of unidentified object for much longer. Taking a deep breath, I slid my finger across the screen and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Bella, oh thank God. I thought I had the wrong number."

"It's me, Alice. What's up?"

"What's up is we need to talk."

"Could we not and say we did."

"Yeah…no. It's doesn't work like that."

"You wanna come over?"

"Ummm, no. I don't think that's a good idea right now. I don't want to argue."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

I refused to say anything else. If Alice wanted to talk she could but I had nothing left to say to her and even if I had, she'd only try and make everything seem like it was my fault all over again. I was not falling for that again.. Needless to say, I expected this to be the world's shortest conversation.

"So um, I guess I'm sorry about the other night."

"You guess?"

"Annnyway, I just…I wanted to talk to you. I miss you Iz…and I wanted to apologize for the other night. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"Don't call me that. I am not your friend Alice so the last thing you owe me is an apology. I don't want to hear it. Save us both the time and spare me the dramatics. I'm just here to keep my word and go home.

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry, okay. Can we just go back to our individual lives? We aren't friends anymore. You've officially made that abundantly clear. Okay, I get it. Let's just finish this conversation and I'll let you go. Then we can both forget that this ever happened."

"Alice, I didn't mean to—"

"Don't Bella, just…don't.

"I mean I don't know what to say." I was confused about how I ended up being the one to apologize to her, but I felt the need to do so and it sickened me. I didn't owe anybody any explanations, especially not her.

"Then just don't bother to say anything."

Again the silence crept in, only this time for a much shorter interval. I had unintentionally fueled Alice's fire and gave her something to argue about. I was torn between apologizing and hanging up and leaving things to fall wherever they may. I didn't have the time, patience, or energy to continue this push and pull, tug-of- war with her. I just couldn't do it.

"Are you always this catty?" she sighed.

"Are you always this clueless?"

"I was right. I didn't need to come over. We're doing a great job of arguing right now! It's fine. Whatever….just whatever I did to you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You were my best friend."

"And that's the part that hurt the most. That's all I ever was. But you know what, how about we end this once and for all?"

" Yeah that'll be best." She mumbled, sounding unsure and yet resolved.

"You are nothing to me. I am nothing to you. If you see me, feel free not to part your lips to utter a word in my direction. We had a great friendship when we had that, and I am grateful for your part in my life, Alice really. But I want nothing to do with you. I don't need you and I don't want you. You're nothing more than a memory for me, good and bad, but I want it…no I need it to stay that way."

It hurt me to pretend that this thing between us, whatever it was, was irrelevant and I felt my chest tightening as I dismissed Alice's entire existence as if she was nothing to me. But what could I do? She was not safe. She was my fatal flaw and even though some people would offer their heads on a platter for supposed love, I was not one of those people. Not anymore. It hurt me to push her away, but it was something I had to do. For both of our sakes.

"I'm sorry." I almost screamed. Damn her and her conscience for having the audacity to be apologetic. At least when she put on her asshole façade it was easy to hate her. Now, I had nothing to go on but sheer willpower.

"Yeah, me too. I have to go. Take care of yourself."

I missed the whispered goodbye and the choking back of tears because I'd already hung up. Laying there in my bed, I cried for Alice one last time, torn between wanting to push her away and wanting to hold her close. When I finally left my room, I slammed the door. It was the slam that reverberated through my mind that entire day. I slammed the door on my past, leaving it behind on my tear stained pillow and choked back sobs. I closed, no, slammed the door on Alice. I slammed the door and now that the door was closed, there was no going back.