-/-Chapter 4-/-
The front door squeaked loudly as Jane tried to enter the house as quietly as possible in an effort to not wake Jo sleeping upstairs in Bass's bedroom. In annoyance, the tired detective kicked the door for being so loud, knowing that if she had just spent an hour on the weekends to fix the damn thing, it wouldn't be such an inconvenience.
"I should just take you out back and shoot you," Jane muttered to the inanimate object in the dimly lit foyer. "Damn door. I don't even know why people have doors."
The door offered no response to the brunette's displeasure, leaving Jane even more annoyed. With a heavy sigh, she walked toward the kitchen to get a much needed beer before making her way upstairs to Maura.
Throughout the whole drive back to the house, she had tried to phrase, rephrase, and re-rephrase what she was going to say concerning this whole Eric mess. In the car, everything sounded lame. Now that Jane was standing just moments away from releasing a potential firestorm upon her sanity, everything still sounded just as lame.
"Okay," Jane said. She took a swig of cold beer, the liquid courage already beginning to bolster her confidence. "What about… 'Maura, I'm going to help out with an operation that Eric is setting up to get a drug lord that got away in that trial that I never told you about ten years ago. It's really important to me so…accept it, woman.'" She released a small laugh. "Yeah, let me tell that to Maura and see who gets their ass kicked."
Jane sighed heavily, her lame attempt at humor doing little to increase her mood. There just was no getting around it. No matter how she worded it, Maura was going to kill her for even thinking to take on this responsibility given how close they were to starting a family together.
If it hadn't of been for Clementine inserting herself in their lives…she wouldn't have to deal with all of this, Jane thought ruefully. But as the thought crossed her mind, she regretted it immediately. All of the memories they had had with that cute, little thing meant a lot to the both of them.
Suddenly, the sound of playful giggling echoed from across the living room. Jane spun around in confusion, looking for the source of the familiar sound. It rose up again from the window, and before she could process what was happening, her mind took her to a memory from a lifetime ago.
-/-Flashback-/-
"Catch the ball, Clementine," Maura said in a sing-song voice. She clapped her hands enthusiastically. "Catch the ball and take it to Mommy Jane. Can you do that for Mommy Maura?"
Sitting about a stone's throne away from the blonde, Jane looked up from cleaning Red Sonja – the pet-name for her trusty gun – with an amused smile. If she didn't know any better, Maura was getting more excitement out of this "learning opportunity" than Clementine was. The baby, dressed in a red and yellow striped jumper, seemed more interested in watching Mommy Jane disassemble her gun over catching a stupid ball.
Smart kid, Jane thought, lifting her dirty hand to give Clementine's characteristic mop of black hair an affectionate tussle.
"Jane," Maura whined from across the room. "Stop confusing her with false praise. You keep patting her on the head when she doesn't follow directions. Several prominent studies from children psychologists have proven that reward inducement given to children who don't follow basic instructions creates a dangerous cycle of anti-establishmentarianism-"
"Maura, sweetheart, seriously. As soon as you start using words with more than four syllables, I slowly begin to turn my attention to anything else," Jane said jokingly. She took a screwdriver from Clementine's small, plushy hands before the curious toddler put it in her mouth. "The baby doesn't want to be treated like a dog. Why don't you read her a Clifford book in Serbian again? She liked that, remember?"
Maura pouted. "But I didn't. I can speak Serbian just fine. It's the reading part that makes me look like an idiot."
"And I like it when you look like an idiot."
"Of course you do," Maura muttered with an eye roll.
"Serious as a heart attack. I find it brings you closer to the flawed human race." Jane grabbed Clementine and stood her up on her sock covered feet. "You like it when Mommy Maura looks like an idiot, don't you?"
"Mama Maura! Baashhoop!" Clementine exclaimed, clapping her hands happily while performing a little dance with her plushy feet and arms.
With a childish sticking out of her tongue, Maura crawled over to grab the ball from the middle of the room to put it away. Jane returned the cute baby to her crawling position and continued to lubricate the various metal parts of her gun, making sure each piece was lovingly attended to. Can't have Red Sonja jacking up on me in the field, Jane thought proudly, knowing that it would never happen. Her Glock got more attention than her dog.
"Do you ever want to have kids?" Maura asked.
Jane looked up to see Maura's ass bobbing in the air while she looked around for something or other in the cabinet. Clementine seemed equally amused by the blonde's actions as she started to crawl over to her mother with nonsensical baby-talk running from her mouth.
"Do I ever want to have bibs?" Jane repeated in confusion.
After finding the small box of chocolate tea that had been pushed to the back of the shelf, Maura turned back to her girlfriend with a smile. "Not bibs, you silly Milly. Kids. Do you want to have kids?"
"I don't know," Jane said cautiously. She polished each metal piece with practiced motions. As much as she hated to admit it, cleaning her guns was one of the few repetitious activities she actually enjoyed…besides sex. "Kids tend to be great when you can pick them up for a while, cuddle their cheeks, and put them in the car to go back to Mommy when finished."
"So you wouldn't mind renting a child in the future?"
Jane sighed. "It's not that I wouldn't ever want to have a child at some point with you. It's just…I'm not in a rush. I mean, with our schedules, when would the kid see us? Just before we walk out the door late at night or come back just before sunrise?"
As Maura started the water on the stove for her green tea, Clementine's big, gummy smile provoked her to grab the baby up to help her with making the tea. Giving a brief glance to the unusual shape of the teakettle, Clementine happily started to play with Maura's shoulder-length honey blonde tresses.
"Well, I have no intention to wait until the fat lady croaks."
"When the fat lady sings," Jane corrected dismissively, her attention completely focused on reassembling the gun.
"Whatever."
In about a minute, Jane popped the holster into place with a satisfying click sound. There was just something so comforting about taking a gun apart and putting it back together again. She got up and took her gun to the small safe in the hallway before returning to the kitchen to wash her hands while Maura continued to leer at the oblivious detective.
"Why are you in such a rush about kids all of a sudden? Before we decided to take Clementine in temporarily, you've never had the whole kid thing on the radar. Now you've done a total 180, bugging me about kids and adoption and what not," Jane said. She dried her hands on the hand-towel. "If this is about your biological clock ticking…"
"My what?" Maura asked with a raised eyebrow. "Unless it you are referring to the new craze women have started by inserting time-telling devices up their vaginas-"
"It's an expression, Maura! An expression," Jane said slowly, emphasizing each syllable. "It basically means when you start feeling that urge to procreate."
"Oh…well, I do feel a need to spread my fine genetics to the next generation. Any child would be lucky to have my genes, in my opinion. But that's not the only reason I've been pushing for this." Maura handed the baby off to Jane while she poured the water from the hissing teakettle into two mugs. "It might sound selfish but… I just want an opportunity to give a child everything I didn't."
Jane blew air into Clementine's face bringing the sound of baby giggles echoing through the small space. "Kids can't have everything, Maura."
"But they can have love," Maura whispered. "You know what I had? Nannies, yachts, private tutors, anything money could buy. My mother gave me everything and nothing all at the same time." The sound of clinking porcelain resounded from the counter as her hands shook from emotion. "Money can't replace a mom that knew to cut the crust off my sandwiches, make cupcakes for my teammates at fencing matches, gave me my favorite security blanket when it rained really hard during a storm. I just…really want that in my life, Jane. I want that for my child, our child."
Jane looked up in bewilderment upon hearing the emotion in her lover's voice. She was stunned, still not used to dealing with the blonde's feminine displays of emotion. What am I supposed to say to that?
"When we're ready, we can have all of that."
"You just…don't get it do you?" Maura muttered sadly before masking her face in a fake, beaming smile. "Yeah…I guess you're right, Jane. We'll have a baby when we're ready. But I can't wait forever."
-/-End Flashback-/-
A heavy sigh echoed across the kitchen as Jane reopened her eyes to the darkness of the living room, her beer long since forgotten. Maura's words hadn't seemed that important at the time; but, looking back, she could see the obvious connection between it and their fight after Clementine's death. Having a child was important to Maura, much more important than it was to Jane. It killed her to admit it, but there was no use denying it any longer.
Maura needs to have a child in her life. I could care less.
Dumping the remaining lukewarm beer in the kitchen sink before throwing it in the recyclables bin, Jane reluctantly made her upstairs to their bedroom, knowing that Maura would be there waiting. As she trudged forward, each step served as an emphasis to her lack of a plan concerning telling her girlfriend about the operation Eric was putting together.
Damn it, Jane cursed in her head as she reached the door to their bedroom. Maybe I should just turn around and get something, anything together besides the nothing I've got…
"Jane?" Maura's mumbled voice came from behind the wooden door. "Is that you? Because if isn't you, I know DTFIPW, and I'm not afraid to use it."
Too late…
Jane opened the door, making sure to close it behind her quietly. "It's me, honey. And what the hell is DTFIPW?"
Maura tilted her head in confusion before placing her copy of Doctor Zhivago down next to the lamp on the dresser. "Remember that class we took at the Y? The self-defense class? Well, if you had completed it instead of going to that stupid gun shooting contest with the guys you would know that DTFIPW stands for Defensive Tactics for Intelligent, Professional Women. We got a badge and everything," she said. The blonde clapped her hands enthusiastically.
"My 'stupid gun shooting contest with the guys' won me that shirt that you're currently wearing," Jane glared at her girlfriend on their bed before licking her lips suggestively. "And I see you decided to forgo Mr. Bra tonight. Good choice. I'm tired and don't want to have to work too hard."
"Is that all you think about is sex?" Maura frowned. "It's like being in a relationship with a man who has breasts and a vagina."
"So I'm a hermaphrodite?"
With an aggravated scream, Maura fell back on the bed in kicked her rainbow knee-sock covered feet in the air dramatically. Jane laughed in response to the blonde's over the top antics before chucking her shoes and clothes off.
Maura made a face as soon as she jumped in between the covers naked. "You know I hate it when you sleep naked. What if someone tries to break in?"
"Then I'll tell you to tell the intruder one of your fun facts about the rampant nature of sexually transmitted diseases in the 20th century," Jane joked, moving to turn the small bedside lamp off. "They'll be begging for mercy by the time the cops come."
"You're such an ass."
"And you're a know-it-all."
A brief silence came over the room as the two women sat underneath the warm covers, enjoying the comforting feeling of having this quiet moment together. The conversation that brimmed quietly in the background, begging for attention, could wait. They had all night, Jane thought.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Maura asked, her barely audible whisper barely heard over the slight purring sound of the fan whirring away above their heads.
Jane snuggled further into the covers. "Honey, we can do it tomorrow. I don't have to be in till 10. Plenty of time to get a quickie in."
As soon as the detective started to fall asleep, Maura reached around to her partner's hardened nipple and tweaked it. Jane immediately shot up out of bed in response.
"What the hell! C'mon, Maura, you know I don't like it when you do that. It hurts like a bitch," Jane pouted, running her hands through her tangled brown locks in frustration.
Maura moved to a sitting position, crossing her arms across her breasts. "Then stop cowshitting me and tell me what was so important that you needed me to stay up."
Deciding to let the wrong expression go, Jane sighed. "Eric's got some information on an old case."
"Okay…"
"And I want in on it."
Jane turned to gaze at her girlfriend, expecting to see the fury of a thousand suns burning in those hazel orbs she loved to study. Oh sweet Jesus, here it comes, Jane thought miserably, already preparing her defenses against the force that was an overly emotional Maura. It was a sight to behold, if you were lucky enough to be a spectator. The detective knew she wouldn't get that lucky.
"Is that all?" Maura asked calmly, her eyes still the relaxed shade of light brown. "Or is there something else?"
Jane barely managed to hide her slack-jawed reaction. "What do you mean, 'Is that all?'"
"Jane, I know you. When you smell a lead worth pursuing, you go after it with all of your heart." Maura placed her hand on her girlfriend's upper thigh. "As much as I appreciate you telling me before hand, you and I both know that you've already made a decision."
"But…," Jane stammered, unsure of how to handle this new understanding side of Maura. "This could get dangerous."
"And you're a trained, highly ranked detective. This is your job. I might hate it sometimes when you make me worry, but that's just who you are. Can't teach an old cat new tricks and all that."
This woman…
"Maura, when's the last time you ever saw someone teaching a cat new tricks? Or any tricks?"
"Just last week, actually," Maura said. "My old colleague is doing a behavioral study on the intelligence of felines in correspondence to their owners. She had one cat dancing. Can you believe it? Dancing, Jane. His paws were up in the air and everything. Do you think a cat could breakdance?"
With a shake of her head, Jane grabbed the blonde by the shoulders. "Maura, listen to me. This isn't just a simple one and done operation. It's probably going to take several months at the least."
"So you're not going to be able to help me with the pregnancy?"
"How come everything always has to come back to that?" Jane asked, her frustration over everything bubbling back to the surface.
Maura frowned. "Because it's important to me. I thought it was important to you but your behavior lately has made me second guess that assumption." She lowered her voice. "This is what I get for attempting to guess."
"It is important to me."
"Then why have you been dragging your heels?"
Jane turned away, knowing she had been caught by her observant girlfriend. Instead of owning up to it, however, the stubborn detective reacted in her typical fashion: deflect with irrational anger.
"If you knew all of this time, why haven't you said anything? Oh, I know, you've been too focused on yourself and finally getting the one thing you want to notice my feelings."
Separating herself from the detective, Maura raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "So now little ol' selfish me is supposed to be your keeper now? I'll keep that in mind for next time we have to make a decision."
"Yeah, you should," Jane added bitterly, wishing with every fiber of her being that she could rewind their conversation. She didn't like to be a bitch to Maura, of all people, but it felt safer than acknowledging verbally that she really was on the fence about having a child.
After a brief, angry silence, Maura sighed heavily. "I didn't say anything because I trusted that when you were ready to talk to me about your concerns we would work them out together. Starting a family is a big step that you need to time to acclimate to, but I'm not going to put my life on hold because you need time to process. This is important to me, Jane. I'll totally understand if it isn't as important to you."
"It is important to me."
"You already said that," Maura smiled.
"But I'm serious, Maura," Jane said. She ran her hand through her hair, struggling to interpret her thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence. "I want to have a child with you but…just not now."
"But why not now? We're not getting any younger. Why are you so anxious about having a child with me now and not later?"
Should I tell her? Should I not?
Seeing the indecision on her lover's face, Maura sighed tiredly. Given the late hour, it was rude of her to interrogate the detective after the day they had. She snuggled up behind Jane to embrace her, resting her head on her tanned shoulder. "You don't have to tell me now. Whenever you're ready, I'm here."
Jane moved her hand to play up and down the blonde's threadbare shirt. "What if I'm never ready?"
Maura laughed. "We'll truss that bridge when we get to it."
"It's cross. Cross that bridge when we get to it," Jane corrected. "But maybe we should wait."
"Wait? Wait on what? Tables?"
Jane looked at Maura blankly. "When did I ever mention tables?" She rolled her eyes. "The baby, maybe we should wait to go through the whole pregnancy process until I'm better prepared-"
"No, absolutely not," Maura commanded. "If I wait on you, I'll be fifty, grey, and completely barren. This is happening. I just hope that you'll be ready to jump on board at some point. I have no problem waiting on some things, Jane, but this is something I refuse to compromise on."
With a small peck on the cheek, Maura dropped back to the covers while Jane continued to stare at nothing in particular in the dark. For what seemed like the 100th time in their relationship, Jane was left completely baffled by her girlfriend's response to what she was sure would have caused a late-night fight. Well, that was beyond hinky. Wanting a child was one thing but wanting a child at the expense of everything else important…
I wish I had that same kind of dedication.
Looking over at Maura's prone body, now completely hidden by her 1500 thread count sheets, Jane leaned down to press her naked body against the blonde.
"Hey, honey," Jane purred, caressing her arm teasingly. "What about, you know, what we started earlier? I could really use some lovin' right about now after confessing my feelings."
"Don't push it, Jane," Maura mumbled sleepily.
Jane nodded before moving back over to the right side of the bed. "Yeah, you're probably right. Love you."
"Love you more," the tired blonde replied before letting sleep finally overtake her.