The big advantage of the moon was that there weren't any Lilim there.

The big disadvantage was that after he got used to the gravity, not having any Lilim there meant Kaworu found himself getting bored. Yes, he loved his babies, and the part of him that was a seed couldn't conceive of wanting anything but babies except for more babies¸ but the Lilim part of him, the part that thought, was hungry for things to think about.

Even now that he had babies, the feeling of love Rei had given him still lingered, turning into a kind of hunger that gnawed at him. He was almost glad it did, since it made it easier not to lose himself in bliss, but wanting things and not having them was still frustrating. He was used to it before, but now everything was perfect except for this... not loneliness, he wasn't lonely, but this craving for a specific type of company.

He decided to copy the angel that fell on the Geofront, because that looked like fun. Except he wasn't dumb enough to aim for the geofront, and even though the light of his soul would protect him, he really should dump that inertia before he hit the ground… Actually, he wanted to see how big a crater he'd make. It wasn't like he was very massive, but he should be going pretty fast by that point, right?

When he managed to figure out which way was up again and fly that way (he'd thought he'd just go towards the blue, but the dirt he'd thrown up into the air when he crashed fell back down on him), he found that the crater was disappointing. The LIlim had made a much bigger one with their bombs. Frowning, he hoped that wasn't an omen for how this trip would turn out.

Falling let the LIlim see him coming, so there wasn't much chance he could sneak into NERV for a shower, he decided. That was a pity: there wasn't any hot water on the moon. No air, either, so he could only sing for the babies that were touching him.

He was still pouting down at the crater with his hands in his pockets when Lilim in JSDF and UN Forces uniforms arrived. "Well, at least it's better than Sahaquiel's." Falling was how that one had actually attacked, and he had barely managed to dent the ground, although that was because Shinji caught him.

"Kaworu Nagisa? Please come with us."

Red eyes blinked at the Lilim, surprised and a little pleased. Even if it was just SEELE's code for 'the final messenger,' they were calling him by a human name, the one he'd answered to, instead of Tabris? Or worse, Adam. Please, even.

He almost wanted to go with them, just for that, but, "I'm not letting you take me anywhere." Not because Kaworu had ever received any sort of talk about strangers with candy, but because, "How do I know you're not working for the old men? Especially since you're one of the UN soldiers." And the Committee was in theory part of the UN. "I'm not going to let them lure me into a trap and use me to start Third Impact. I just came to find out if Shinji was alright and whether or not you Lilim have murdered Rei yet."

Kaworu wasn't conscious enough of appearances to realize how he looked. The orange shirt, the long-dried blood spots on his pants and the streak in his hair, the moon dust all over him even though he'd shielded himself to keep the dirt he'd crash-landed on from sticking to him… When Kaworu added that, "And a shower would be nice," the soldiers assumed that was the reason.

Actually, Kaworu just liked showers.

The soldiers let him follow them to their camp (not the geofront, which was sensible of them – he didn't want himself going anywhere near Lilith either) and take a shower, which cemented them in his mind as some of the most considerate Lilim he had ever met. There were even a new shirt and new pants, since his still had blood on them.

Shinji was waiting in the hall when he got out of the shower. Kaworu greeted him with a happy, "Shinji!" because Shinji came to see him. Fortunately, he remembered at the last second that Shinji was weird about contact. Kaworu had felt for himself that love meant wanting to touch someone (he held his babies all the time), but Shinji had only grabbed Kaworu when he was angry.

Shinji didn't love him. Didn't even want to be his friend. It still hurt, so what had been an enthusiastic greeting turned into ducking his head away, looking to the side, hurt. "So did Rei let the Lilim kill her, or did they just stick her in a tube?"

"You knew about the tubes?" Shinji asked, grossed out by the memory of seeing the Reis in that tank and the tubes they stuck the dummy plugs into.

"Yes," Kaworu said, grimacing. "Tubes are where you Lilim put us. I'm never going back into a tube. It's much better to be outside."

"Oh, right. They gave me what they know about how you were brought up, but…"

"But you didn't really care. Not compared to Rei and the other people you care about. So, Rei's dead again," Kaworu said, and wasn't quite surprised that it hurt.

"No, she's not dead. They just had her moved to another UN base, to keep her separated from Lilith and Adam."

"She's not with you, then?" Kaworu was surprised. "She let them take her away from you?"

Shinji looked regretful. "I had to stay here, to pilot. With Asuka still in a coma, they recalibrated Unit 02 for me. She's going to be mad when she wakes up…" At least they hadn't needed to recalibrate it (meaning Asuka couldn't pilot it anymore even if she woke up) for Kaworu, so Shinji piloting her Eva was going to be even worse than an angel piloting it.

"Oh, I forgot that one." Kaworu wasn't worried about it. As long as the soul inside it stayed asleep, he could control it. That was how he'd piloted it in the first place, but he didn't need to be inside it to control it. There was some small chance that the soul would wake up to protect Asuka, but the Lilim didn't register her own child, so why would she care about Shinji. Therefore, "Don't worry, I'm not going to try to destroy it. Just keep it away from me: it was made from Adam's flesh, so I might turn it into a child without meaning to."

"Rei said something like that, that you didn't want to make all those angels?"

"I want my children!" Kaworu said, offended on their behalf. "I only made the first ones on purpose, but I love them all. Even Rei, and she's a Black Seed. That means she's like your Rei, and you Lilim," he told Shinji. "Making worlds full of angels is what seeds are for, though. We're not meant to think, especially white seeds like me. So fulfilling my function can make me stop thinking." He held out his hand to show Shinji. "The old men forced me into this body that they forced Adam to make with Lilim DNA. So the part of me I'm using to do the thinking is like you Lilim. I think that's why I have an I. Myself. It's probably why I can feel things like the love Rei felt for you. It's not like love for children. The love I have for my children is much better. It only hurts because there's so much of it, not all the time."

Not every time he thought of how Shinji didn't want to touch him or be his friend. "Maybe I understand a little why the old men thought that to be a Lilim was nothing but pain. You make children, but they don't have their own souls. They're just pieces of Lilim, and you obviously can't love them at all or you wouldn't do disgusting things like killing them, the way Gendo Ikari tried to kill you. Are you alright?" he asked, finally remembering that. He'd been so relieved to see Shinji alive and seemingly unhurt that in the excitement he'd forgotten why Shinji might not have been okay.

He seemed healthy: he was breathing properly and so on. As far as Kaworu could tell without encroaching on him, anyway, and Shinji would hate that if he didn't even want to touch.

"I'm fine. Rei said that if it weren't for you, I'd be dead." Unless Rei caused Third Impact to save him. Knowing that she'd even considered it made Shinji happy, clearly. "So… thanks."

"I do love you, and part of that is wanting you to live," Kaworu said, looking down at his hands. "I never wanted Third Impact. If it happened, then my mind would be absorbed into the whole. I wouldn't be me anymore, and the whole wouldn't even be like me at all. My power would just be something that would make all those Lilim stronger. I was only made to give the old men what they wanted. I hated that. I even wanted to die, if that was the only way to escape the fate they made me for. What about the old men, anyway? Mine, I mean. I killed yours."

As soon as he thought of it, he dismissed the idea that Shinji had returned the favor. He wouldn't care that much.

"You mean SEELE?" When Kaworu nodded, Shinji said, "Kaji gave Misato a lot of evidence that they were responsible for Second Impact, and it turned out they were planning to use the Evas you turned into angels to cause Third Impact, with your soul, my Eva and me in there." Shinji shuddered at the thought. "So… you may have saved the world. If you'd died instead of making angels and running away, then they would have caught your soul the way the clones caught Rei's and used you that way."

"I…" Kaworu blinked, and realized he should have realized that before. "I was trying not to think of that. As a white seed, I should want to live and be of use to others, but it's just such a disgusting idea. You Lilim aren't the same person despite having the same soul: the old men explained why to me, why they thought you needed to be united and I realized that I was my mind. That these thoughts were me. So if that had happened, I would be dead. And they'd be using what was left of me after driving me to seek death, the way they're using Adam's body and soul after raping and destroying my father… Lilim are such bastards, I don't want to give you Instrumentality even if it wouldn't kill me." He wished one of his children was here, to nose at him with concern and wrap around him. To love him and want him to live.

He wrapped his arms around himself since it was better than nothing.

"Are you okay, Kaworu?" Shinji asked.

Kaworu would have been happy that Shinji was asking, since it sounded more real than the fake Lilim saying 'how are you?' that they asked when they didn't really care. "It's… empty and shaking," he said, trying to describe this emotion and what it did to him. "What they wanted was so wrong, and it still hurts that you said you refused to care for me at all. I thought… since you cared so much that Rei was dead, that you might care enough to miss me… even something like you. And then the old men ordered me to go merge with Lilith and die, and I wanted someone to love so much it hurt, and… If you hadn't refused to love me I might not have my children now, so thank you. The old men probably would have been able to capture and use my soul, since I wanted to be free so much I even would have died for it. If you loved me, then I would have died happily, and then they would have used my soul to kill you." That internal feeling became a physical one, and he shivered. "I'm going… I guess I'm going home now." Home was where people were who wanted you to be happy, yes?

He realized that he had a home now, but even that didn't make him happy enough to make all the empty ache of not being wanted by Shinji go away. He knew that was a good thing, that he shouldn't let himself be so entranced by the idea of a home where children who loved him were to want to turn this planet into a place like that, but he was crying now.

Shinji bit his lip and looked like he wanted to say or do something, but he didn't know what to do. Kaworu knew he should know: it was obvious even to Lilim that you held someone if you wanted them to feel better, yes? "If you really cared about my feelings, you'd give me a hug," Kaworu knew. "So don't-"

Shinji sighed, annoyed, and stepped forward.

Kaworu froze.

"Rei explained," Shinji said. "About her feelings and your feelings, so… I thought you were like Rei when I first saw you. I should have realized what that meant." That Kaworu hadn't had friends, that as outgoing as he seemed to be (when it was Shinji) he didn't know what he was doing. Rei had shrunk back and hidden her emotions, afraid to make mistakes. Kaworu had blundered around, which was brave but he did things because of it that were really weird. "Normally guys don't hug guys, but it's not like you're a normal guy." Since he was an angel, that should be obvious. "Will you promise to try to stop crying if I hug you?" Instead of trying to continue to cry so Shinji would keep hugging him?

"I can't control it," Kaworu said, even though he wanted to lie and say yes so that Shinji would touch him. "It… happens sometimes, since Armisael encroached on me."

"I guess it's not your fault then," Shinji said, looking slightly annoyed, mostly embarrassed and away from Kaworu. "Just don't encroach on me or anything, okay? Or they won't make-I mean let me do this again."

"…So you're not really doing this even to make Rei happy." Of course it wasn't to make Kaworu happy. "You don't really care about either of our feelings, ignoring Rei to sit with Asuka." Kaworu didn't sniffle. Sniffling was something people with badly-made bodies did. Although his body was made by the old men, it still sprung from the Tree of Life, not the black tree. It certainly was no effort at all to choke out, "How cruel of you, Shinji. You really hate me that much."

He did run. Because Lilim were cruel and dangerous. Getting away from them as fast as possible was just the smart thing to do. He should have run further, but he needed comfort and it would have taken too long to get back to his children. He didn't know if he could hold himself together that long.

"He's been in that shower long enough to drown himself," although Ritsuko doubted they'd be that lucky. "Couldn't you have shown him somewhere with cameras?"

"We don't have cameras in our locker rooms," the UN officer who had lured Kaworu to their base with the offer of hot water responded.

NERV did, but they didn't want the angel there, so Ritsuko didn't mention it. "Well, then you're the ones who will have to send someone in."

"Do we have permission to do that?"

"As long as you can avoid provoking the angel," Misato told him. Sending Shinji to try to influence and interrogate the angel: what was she thinking? Even with a couple weeks of briefings, Shinji couldn't talk his way out of a paper bag. What really annoyed her was how convenient for him the timing of that slip was. Had he even done it on purpose in order to get out of hugging the angel? Misato could sympathize with that, but still, couldn't Shinji ever think of the mission?

This was the second time Misato had watched the angel run off crying because of Shinji, although the first time he'd been running towards Shinji, in the hope of saving his life. Not away, to drown his sorrows in hot water, just sitting there on the floor of the shower cubicle letting it pour over him still fully dressed if not alcohol. A pity they couldn't put some chemical or sedative or something into the water, but after seeing the adaptive capabilities of angels? They couldn't afford to piss this one off, not when Shinji's sync ratio with the uncooperative Unit 02 was abysmally low. The only weapon they had capable of fighting him was Rei, and she was not only sure that he was stronger than she was, if he died then there was the possibility that all the angels he'd made might all attack Earth at once.

Right now, trying to use Shinji to get control over him was their best option, but not if Shinji kept screwing up like this. Kaworu was an angel: with enough time he might be able to fight off the other angel's mind control that made him fall for Shinji. They had to cement those feelings before that happened, take advantage of the angel's only known vulnerability.

When he'd spoken of 'dying happily' because of Shinji? If that was on the table? Killing the White Giant and its new spawn, before all of this could repeat itself?

Then Shinji could damn well lie back and think of Earth.

"This is my Rei," Kaworu told her proudly, holding up what looked like a cocoon with multiple red eyes.

When Rei stepped forward hesitantly to get a closer look, Kaworu asked, "Do you want to hold her?"

The girl nodded, a very small nod, because something about the child made her want to touch it. Something inside her, the way something inside her wanted to hold Shinji's hand. She found herself looking at Kaworu curiously, almost surprised he would let her hold something so precious.

Why? It wasn't as though she would steal it… but she wanted to.

Kaworu enclosed them both in the grey light of his soul after letting her carefully pick up the little Rei. At first, Rei wondered if he had realized that Rei wanted to take the child, but from the suspicious way he looked at the hidden cameras, he was more worried about Lilim storming in to take the child from Rei, since she wasn't as powerful as he was.

"The old men said that white seeds and black seeds weren't supposed to coexist on the same planet," he said, looking at the two of them, "but if white seeds make black seeds… I couldn't imagine sending a child away just because of what she was, until she was ready to go on her own. Even if that child was a Lilim." He frowned. "I can only imagine anything because I'm partially of the black seed, though, so I could be wrong. Maybe I would force her to leave if I lost myself again. Will you help my Rei if that happens? Promise not to let the Lilim kill you," he said, looking into her eyes with an expression that was determined, yes, but still looked just a little like a pout because of his frustration with her and with the Lilim who could very well want her dead even though she'd died for them.

Rei wasn't certain she could promise that. If they decided they wanted her dead, if all of them treated her with fear and disgust? Even Shinji?

There was a reason she hadn't used her AT field to shield herself from the blast when she destroyed Armisael. She was replaceable, after all, so better for the new Rei to have a chance to be with Shinji than for Shinji to know the truth, that she was an angel who had lied to him all along.

So all she could say was, "I will try," because holding this child, the little one that thrummed in her arms, was making her want to protect and love it. They had asked if she could make more angels, like Kaworu, but every time she tried to reach for that power all she felt was an emptiness inside her where it should be. A need to make children and an inability to fulfill it.

She wanted to ask if she could keep this child, say that she would teach her to be a black seed even though Rei understood very little of what she was, but what would the Lilim do? When the soul and body of a seed were two of the three components of Third Impact, and this child had two of them? Rei, at least, only had one.

In that moment she wanted to go with Kaworu to the moon, but her body couldn't adapt the way those born with the fruit of the tree of life could. She couldn't survive there.

And if she continued to exhibit good behavior and cooperate, maybe she could see Shinji again. She knew they were using that as a carrot, but she wanted to see him again. Thinking of him in Tokyo-3 while she was here? Did he still go sit by Asuka's bedside every day? When she missed him so much and Asuka had only been cruel to him while Rei loved him?

"You're crying," Kaworu told her. "It's because the Lilim are keeping you away from Shinji, isn't it?"

Rei nodded, and looked down in order to avoid his gaze. Seeing the child almost made her feel worse, because she didn't want the child to see her cry and be sad.

"He let slip that the Lilim there ordered him to pretend to be my friend." Kaworu clenched his fists, knuckles even whiter. "Lilim… He's just like the rest of them, only caring about my feelings when he can use them against me. I know this, but it still hurts. I wish you never loved him in the first place." Because if she hadn't, Armisael couldn't have given him that emotion. "You understand this pain, don't you? At the thought of not being loved, even by something like him. So I think I know why you're crying," he said, touching his chest. "The old men said that Lilim constantly hurt each other. I want to go away, so the Lilim can't hurt me or my children. But I also want to stay, even though it hurts." Stay for the hope of happiness, even though the ability to think the Lilim 'gifted' him with told him that it was a futile hope, a ridiculous thought. "Come with me: I can breathe for you. I already am breathing for my Rei, since she needs it."

"I can't," Rei told him, feeling both pain and happiness well up inside her at the thought of being offered a home to go to, someone's company and understanding. "I can't survive without my medications. If your children liked me," she hoped they would, "and then I died, wouldn't they be sad."

"None of them understand death," Kaworu told her. "And I don't want them to." So no, he couldn't bring Rei there if that was so. "I have the gift of the black seed: if only I could give you the gift of the white, to adapt and survive." To live. He blinked suddenly, and looked thoughtful. He peered into her eyes curiously. "I want you to live. Touching you sounds like a good idea, but then touching is enjoyable in and of itself. Do I want to kiss you?" he wondered. "I don't think I love you. I sympathize with you, and I want you to come with me so I can make you happy, but it's not making it hard for me to breathe, not like Shinji. Is this still love, do you know?"

She could only shake her head. "I've realized that I never understood love at all." Felt it, for Gendo and Shinji – thank goodness she had started to love Shinji more, that Armisael had mentioned Shinji while trying to convince Rei to join her. If she'd given Kaworu her feelings for Gendo? That pain of love she knew would never be returned? She didn't want Kaworu to be hurt, not when he wanted her to live. "You are kind. I think I love you for that, the way I love Shinji, but I want to be with Shinji more."

Kaworu nodded: yes, that was right: he felt the same irrational longing she did. "Would you feel less of the pain of loneliness if Rei and I stayed with you, for now?"

Her arms tightened around the child: why was Kaworu offering this? Why was it making her shake?

"I remember knowing that no one cared for me at all, especially not Shinji. That no one wanted anything of me except for me to hurry up and die. I can't… It hurt so much I can't stand the thought of anyone else feeling that way," Kaworu realized. "Even if it's dangerous here, I can't abandon you to that." His arms wrapped around her. "This helps," he explained. "My children hold me all the time."

She was struck by a wrenching sensation of envy: how cruel of him to say how wonderful it was, when she couldn't have children of her own. There were Lilith's children, but they didn't care for her any more than Adam's child Armisael cared for Kaworu. "Maybe, maybe you shouldn't stay. I want children: I might take yours."

He pulled back to look at her, surprised. "You want Rei?"

She couldn't meet his eyes.

"She's like you, so… Lilim children have two parents, I think?" From what the old men said, explaining how they'd put Lilim DNA into Adam to make him, how that was sort of like what Lilim did all the time. "So if that's natural for the black seed? I want your help looking after Rei," he told her. "Even your DNA, if it helps her think. So as long as you remember that Rei is still mine, she can be yours too. Is that enough?"

All she could do was give him a small nod. It would have to be enough. It was still more than she could have hoped for.