Chapter Four
A/N - Oh dear...I fear these few chapters may become slightly repetitive until I can think of a plot line. The reason I chose to do this fic is because, lazy though it is, I wouldn't need to do a plot! Cos it's already there. But now I have to fill in the 'missing years'. Nooo...;_; So this chapter is short *gomen....*
A/N2 - Btw, I have no idea how the music industry works, so I'm pretty much making it up as I go along...
1998
I feel distanced.
From Mika, from Eiri, from the world.
I wish I could think all day, but that would bring up all the bad memories. I wish I could sleep all day, but that would give me nightmares. So I don't do either. Instead I wander round in a kind of trance state, barely seeing, barely hearing, barely knowing. I can't do anything. I'm hardly living.
Noriko's trying so hard. She's much better now I'm back. It seems my mere presence makes her feel better, which is good. She tries to get me to play or read or even talk to her; all the things I used to love. But my hands are heavy. My eyes are blurred. My voice has gone. I always find an excuse not to do things, when before I would have jumped at the chance. I lounge around the house all day.
Ryuichi's gone. I thought he would be. Noriko doesn't know. She said after the piano thing, he just left. He put a note on her bed so she'd see it. She says he comes to see her, but never tells her his whereabouts. He always says he's on the move. I don't care if he comes or not. I don't care about anything anymore.
So when he comes I'm lying in my bed, distant, silent. I don't even know it's him at first. I don't care. I don't want to talk to him. He didn't want to talk to me before, why should he now? Apparently he does. He talks and talks and hardly stops to breathe. I want to tell him to shut up but I haven't got the energy. I turn over and pull the covers over my head. He finally stops, thank god.
"Don't you wanna tell me anything?"
"No. Go away."
"...You never used to say that."
"Everything's different now."
"Like how?"
I want to tell him to go away. But I find I can't...I find myself pouring my story, no my heart, out to him. I tell him everything; how I love Mika and Eiri, what happened in America, how I feel now. I don't care what he does or says. I don't feel better having told someone.
He kisses me.
I...It surprises me.
I thought he'd just leave or something.
For a moment I think he's telling me that he still...but no. No. I didn't think that really. Not really.
"Tohma-chan, I probably won't ever do that again."
He grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. It stays limply in his grasp.
"I want you to think who you love best in the whole world. And I want you to go and be the bestest boyfriend ever. Otherwise I'll be sad."
I feel something on my hand. He's crying. Now I care. For the first time since I held Eiri, I care.
"Ryu-chan...Don't cry..."
But he just cries more. He's smiling though, so I think he's not all sad. "You called me Ryu-chan." And he doesn't say anything more than that. He goes, out of the room, out of the house, out of my life.
Not forever, I hope.
*
I...I...I think I've figured out what's going on.
Tohma hasn't actually told me yet. I phoned Noriko, but she said he was too ill to talk to me right now. That makes me even more worried.
Eiri sits in his room all day. He sleeps a lot. He doesn't eat or talk. When I see him, he's always got this kind of wide eyed shocked look. He has nightmares. Tatsuha is scared too. He wants to know what's going on, but he wouldn't understand. I'm not sure if even I understand. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. I suppose I'll have to wait until I can see Tohma again.
How long will that be?
I can't wait much longer.
*
I'm feeling a lot better now. I thought a lot of things over in my mind. Even though I'm hurting, even though I feel like I want to curl up and die, it's nothing compared to what Eiri must be going through. So I can't show it. I try and go back to normal. Noriko seems pleased, but I think she can tell I'm faking most of my smiles. But she doesn't say anything. That's good. She approaches me nervously one day. "Tohma..."
"Yes?"
She sits down quickly next to me. "I was thinking maybe...maybe we could start up the band again. We'd gotten so far! I'm sure we're ready for-"
"Noriko, we haven't even got a name."
"Exactly! It'll be like we're starting over! I'll get Ryu-chan to come over and maybe he can sing! You heard his voice, it's so beautiful."
She's right, even though I don't want to admit it. His voice was amazing. I'd love to hear it again. So I nod slowly. She does a little excited squeal and rushes off to phone Ryuichi. I'm surprised to say that I feel almost...excited about this.
"Tohma-chaaan! Ryuichi wants to talk to you!"
I take the phone from her. "Hello."
"Hiya Tohma! I though of a name for us!"
He's obviously using his mobile phone, I can't hear him very well.
"Ok."
"Nettle Grasper."
He must have gone under a tunnel or something, I can't hear him at all.
"What was that? Nittle Grasper?"
"No, Ne...Hey that's even better! Cool, put Noriko back on."
I hand the phone back to her. It's strange; that's the shortest phone call I've ever had from Ryuichi. But I suppose everything's going to be different now. A fresh start. It'll be...
Fun...?
We are sitting nervously in a big room, in a big building. We are in the waiting room at Sora Inc, one of the biggest music companies in Japan. We all jump when the secretary says the president will see us now. I'm going to do all the talking. Ryuichi was way too scared. He brought along that little pink rabbit I gave him for company. It's kinda nice to see he's still got it.
We pull up a chair each and sit around the president's desk. He looks really imposing.
"So, how can I help you?"
"We're..." I gulp, and then compose myself. "I'm Seguchi Tohma, and my friends and I have come regarding our demo tape."
"Which one were you again?"
"N-Nittle Grasper."
He fumbles in his desk drawer and pulls out the CD we recorded our song on. For a moment, his face flashes surprise (even happiness?) then falls back into its blank mask. "Are you the lead vocals on this?"
Ryuichi puts his hand up very timidly. "I am..." He says quietly.
The president raises an eyebrow. "I thought your vocal talents were quite good. I can see you going places." He motions to all of us. "I'd like you to come down to the studios one day and do a proper recording session on this song. In the mean time, try and write a few more." I am speechless. I shake his hand then go out of the room. We go home in silence. As soon as we enter the door, Noriko screams.
"We're gonna be HUGE!"
*
My fingers are shaking as I ring Tohma. I expect him to be like me; a wreck. I wonder what things he'll ask. He probably wants to hear about me, only Eiri. The tone rings once...twice...three times. Ryuichi picks it up. I am surprised yet relieved. I haven't heard his voice in a long time, but...I thought he moved away...
He sounds really out of breath and there's lots of noise in the background. "Moshi moshiiiii!" He shouts down the phone.
"It's Mika." I can't help smiling. His bouncy mood never fails to cheer me up.
"OOOOOH, MIKA-CHAN! I'll get Tohma-chan for you!"
I pause. I try and make out what the noise is. Sounds like music.
"Mika-san!"
"T-Tohma..."
"I'm so very sorry, but I can't talk for long, I'm extremely busy." I was not expecting him to say that. He sounds really happy too.
"I...Eiri wants to talk to you..."
There is a long gap. I can hear his rattled breathing down the phone. "...I'll come over this evening, ne?" His voice is really different from before.
"Ok."
We both put the phone down. How can he...? Is music more important to him than Eiri? It's not like they'll ever get anywhere in life.
*
Each song we give the company pleases the president more. He gives us a two album contract and says he'll release our first single as soon as possible.
It's the day of the release. Noriko and I are standing outside our local music store, waiting for it to open, gripping each others arms. We presume Ryuichi is doing the same, although on his own and at a different shop. Two minutes until the shop opens. We're bursting with excitement.
"Tohma." Noriko looks at me. I think she's going to say something about fame not ruining our friendship. "...I really need to pee."
I laugh and tell her to hold on just a bit more. One minute to go. We can see someone coming to the door. He puts the key in the lock. We hold our breath. It turns so so slowly...That's it! We burst into the shop, almost trampling the poor guy and go over to the 'New Releases' section. Noriko breathes quietly. "We're...we're Nittle Grasper..." She whispers. I look at the banner proclaiming our single.
NITTLE GRASPER
"SLEEPLESS BEAUTY"
There it is. Our fame on a banner in a shop. This could be all we ever get, or we could end up being world famous. I don't know. But I know that from now on, everything's going to be so different.
And I'm strangely excited.
A/N - Oh dear...I fear these few chapters may become slightly repetitive until I can think of a plot line. The reason I chose to do this fic is because, lazy though it is, I wouldn't need to do a plot! Cos it's already there. But now I have to fill in the 'missing years'. Nooo...;_; So this chapter is short *gomen....*
A/N2 - Btw, I have no idea how the music industry works, so I'm pretty much making it up as I go along...
1998
I feel distanced.
From Mika, from Eiri, from the world.
I wish I could think all day, but that would bring up all the bad memories. I wish I could sleep all day, but that would give me nightmares. So I don't do either. Instead I wander round in a kind of trance state, barely seeing, barely hearing, barely knowing. I can't do anything. I'm hardly living.
Noriko's trying so hard. She's much better now I'm back. It seems my mere presence makes her feel better, which is good. She tries to get me to play or read or even talk to her; all the things I used to love. But my hands are heavy. My eyes are blurred. My voice has gone. I always find an excuse not to do things, when before I would have jumped at the chance. I lounge around the house all day.
Ryuichi's gone. I thought he would be. Noriko doesn't know. She said after the piano thing, he just left. He put a note on her bed so she'd see it. She says he comes to see her, but never tells her his whereabouts. He always says he's on the move. I don't care if he comes or not. I don't care about anything anymore.
So when he comes I'm lying in my bed, distant, silent. I don't even know it's him at first. I don't care. I don't want to talk to him. He didn't want to talk to me before, why should he now? Apparently he does. He talks and talks and hardly stops to breathe. I want to tell him to shut up but I haven't got the energy. I turn over and pull the covers over my head. He finally stops, thank god.
"Don't you wanna tell me anything?"
"No. Go away."
"...You never used to say that."
"Everything's different now."
"Like how?"
I want to tell him to go away. But I find I can't...I find myself pouring my story, no my heart, out to him. I tell him everything; how I love Mika and Eiri, what happened in America, how I feel now. I don't care what he does or says. I don't feel better having told someone.
He kisses me.
I...It surprises me.
I thought he'd just leave or something.
For a moment I think he's telling me that he still...but no. No. I didn't think that really. Not really.
"Tohma-chan, I probably won't ever do that again."
He grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. It stays limply in his grasp.
"I want you to think who you love best in the whole world. And I want you to go and be the bestest boyfriend ever. Otherwise I'll be sad."
I feel something on my hand. He's crying. Now I care. For the first time since I held Eiri, I care.
"Ryu-chan...Don't cry..."
But he just cries more. He's smiling though, so I think he's not all sad. "You called me Ryu-chan." And he doesn't say anything more than that. He goes, out of the room, out of the house, out of my life.
Not forever, I hope.
*
I...I...I think I've figured out what's going on.
Tohma hasn't actually told me yet. I phoned Noriko, but she said he was too ill to talk to me right now. That makes me even more worried.
Eiri sits in his room all day. He sleeps a lot. He doesn't eat or talk. When I see him, he's always got this kind of wide eyed shocked look. He has nightmares. Tatsuha is scared too. He wants to know what's going on, but he wouldn't understand. I'm not sure if even I understand. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. I suppose I'll have to wait until I can see Tohma again.
How long will that be?
I can't wait much longer.
*
I'm feeling a lot better now. I thought a lot of things over in my mind. Even though I'm hurting, even though I feel like I want to curl up and die, it's nothing compared to what Eiri must be going through. So I can't show it. I try and go back to normal. Noriko seems pleased, but I think she can tell I'm faking most of my smiles. But she doesn't say anything. That's good. She approaches me nervously one day. "Tohma..."
"Yes?"
She sits down quickly next to me. "I was thinking maybe...maybe we could start up the band again. We'd gotten so far! I'm sure we're ready for-"
"Noriko, we haven't even got a name."
"Exactly! It'll be like we're starting over! I'll get Ryu-chan to come over and maybe he can sing! You heard his voice, it's so beautiful."
She's right, even though I don't want to admit it. His voice was amazing. I'd love to hear it again. So I nod slowly. She does a little excited squeal and rushes off to phone Ryuichi. I'm surprised to say that I feel almost...excited about this.
"Tohma-chaaan! Ryuichi wants to talk to you!"
I take the phone from her. "Hello."
"Hiya Tohma! I though of a name for us!"
He's obviously using his mobile phone, I can't hear him very well.
"Ok."
"Nettle Grasper."
He must have gone under a tunnel or something, I can't hear him at all.
"What was that? Nittle Grasper?"
"No, Ne...Hey that's even better! Cool, put Noriko back on."
I hand the phone back to her. It's strange; that's the shortest phone call I've ever had from Ryuichi. But I suppose everything's going to be different now. A fresh start. It'll be...
Fun...?
We are sitting nervously in a big room, in a big building. We are in the waiting room at Sora Inc, one of the biggest music companies in Japan. We all jump when the secretary says the president will see us now. I'm going to do all the talking. Ryuichi was way too scared. He brought along that little pink rabbit I gave him for company. It's kinda nice to see he's still got it.
We pull up a chair each and sit around the president's desk. He looks really imposing.
"So, how can I help you?"
"We're..." I gulp, and then compose myself. "I'm Seguchi Tohma, and my friends and I have come regarding our demo tape."
"Which one were you again?"
"N-Nittle Grasper."
He fumbles in his desk drawer and pulls out the CD we recorded our song on. For a moment, his face flashes surprise (even happiness?) then falls back into its blank mask. "Are you the lead vocals on this?"
Ryuichi puts his hand up very timidly. "I am..." He says quietly.
The president raises an eyebrow. "I thought your vocal talents were quite good. I can see you going places." He motions to all of us. "I'd like you to come down to the studios one day and do a proper recording session on this song. In the mean time, try and write a few more." I am speechless. I shake his hand then go out of the room. We go home in silence. As soon as we enter the door, Noriko screams.
"We're gonna be HUGE!"
*
My fingers are shaking as I ring Tohma. I expect him to be like me; a wreck. I wonder what things he'll ask. He probably wants to hear about me, only Eiri. The tone rings once...twice...three times. Ryuichi picks it up. I am surprised yet relieved. I haven't heard his voice in a long time, but...I thought he moved away...
He sounds really out of breath and there's lots of noise in the background. "Moshi moshiiiii!" He shouts down the phone.
"It's Mika." I can't help smiling. His bouncy mood never fails to cheer me up.
"OOOOOH, MIKA-CHAN! I'll get Tohma-chan for you!"
I pause. I try and make out what the noise is. Sounds like music.
"Mika-san!"
"T-Tohma..."
"I'm so very sorry, but I can't talk for long, I'm extremely busy." I was not expecting him to say that. He sounds really happy too.
"I...Eiri wants to talk to you..."
There is a long gap. I can hear his rattled breathing down the phone. "...I'll come over this evening, ne?" His voice is really different from before.
"Ok."
We both put the phone down. How can he...? Is music more important to him than Eiri? It's not like they'll ever get anywhere in life.
*
Each song we give the company pleases the president more. He gives us a two album contract and says he'll release our first single as soon as possible.
It's the day of the release. Noriko and I are standing outside our local music store, waiting for it to open, gripping each others arms. We presume Ryuichi is doing the same, although on his own and at a different shop. Two minutes until the shop opens. We're bursting with excitement.
"Tohma." Noriko looks at me. I think she's going to say something about fame not ruining our friendship. "...I really need to pee."
I laugh and tell her to hold on just a bit more. One minute to go. We can see someone coming to the door. He puts the key in the lock. We hold our breath. It turns so so slowly...That's it! We burst into the shop, almost trampling the poor guy and go over to the 'New Releases' section. Noriko breathes quietly. "We're...we're Nittle Grasper..." She whispers. I look at the banner proclaiming our single.
NITTLE GRASPER
"SLEEPLESS BEAUTY"
There it is. Our fame on a banner in a shop. This could be all we ever get, or we could end up being world famous. I don't know. But I know that from now on, everything's going to be so different.
And I'm strangely excited.