September 20th
Sarah pulled into the drive and parked Minnie Lou in her usual summertime spot by the front porch. She turned off the engine, let out a long, slow breath and passed a hand over her curls. "Well," she said at last in the quiet. "Home again, home again, jiggety-jig." She looked at the front porch with the basil plants-a gift from Roz-in full leaf on either side of the steps, and felt a sudden sadness at the knowledge the growing season was nearly done for another year. She opened the door and climbed out, removed her briefcase and purse, stood for a moment in the soft afternoon sunshine. A mild breeze touched the leaves overhead, made them rustle and sigh. A few fluttered to the ground, more scarlet than green. Sarah watched them fall with a heavy heart. Much as she loved autumn, it was also a time of ending, of the loss of light and warmth.
After a few moments she turned away toward the house. As she passed the basil, their spicy fragrance lifted her heart a bit. They'd hold out for a while longer, with the radiant heat from the porch to offer some protection from chilly night temperatures.
It was quiet inside the house, but Sarah knew Jason was home. His coat hung over the back of a chair, his homework spread over the table. He was probably in the kitchen for a snack; sometimes she suspected he ate his body weight in food every day, and all it did was add inches to his height, not his middle. She envied him his fast metabolism, glad she and Gene could provide the nourishment he needed. She dropped her purse and briefcase into a convenient chair, shrugged out of her blazer, and made her way to the kitchen.
Jason turned as she entered. He held a stacked plate: a sandwich piled deep with turkey, cheese and a token leaf of lettuce, an apple, banana and several cookies. The sight didn't faze Sarah; she just smiled at him and went to the stove.
"Hey sweetheart, how was your day?" She put the kettle on and selected a mug from the collection on the counter, took a teabag from the canister next to them.
"It's Friday," Jason said. Sarah laughed and felt the tiredness of her afternoon lift away for a few moments.
"That it is. And it's full harvest moon too. We should do something special tonight." She took a spoon from the dish rack. "How about a bonfire?"
"Yeah," Jason said. "We could roast some marshmallows and make s'mores."
"Sounds good to me." Sarah stretched a little. "Would you do me a favor please, and get the mail? I forgot to stop on the way in."
"'kay." One moment to set the plate on the counter, and he was off. She watched him slip through the doorway, all long limbs and awkward agility.
Growing up so fast, she thought, and turned back to the stove. She'd just poured water over the teabag when Jason returned. He moved slowly, and there was an odd look on his face.
"You got a letter from Oklahoma," he said, and held it out to her. Sarah took it and checked the return address. Her eyes widened. Shock rippled through her.
"Damn," she whispered.
"Mom?" Jason moved closer. Now he sounded worried. "What is it?"
"My brother," she said, and stared at the envelope. The return had Ben's name on it above an unfamiliar address . "The one who is—was in jail. He . . . it's from him."
Jason said nothing more. He left the kitchen, to return with Gene.
"Sare, it's okay," her husband said. He looked just as worried as Jason. "You don't have to open it."
Sarah turned it over. There was one word written on the back, in Ben's haphazard scrawl.
please
"Fer thammag," she said under her breath. She was not proof against that simple plea, and Ben knew it.
"Don't open it," Jason said. "Don't, Mom. He wants to hurt you."
"Sarah Jane." When she looked up at Gene, he went on. "Call Prof."
"But he's busy-"
"Just do it."
Five minutes later she sat in the office with the letter propped up on the computer keyboard and phone in hand. She felt ridiculous, but she also knew Gene was right-and maybe Jason too.
"Sarah?" Prof sounded harassed. "How are you, dear girl?"
"I-I'm fine. How are you?" She winced at the inanity of the question.
"Run off my feet, but I've got a minute or two. What's happened?" Prof's tone sharpened. "Are you all right?"
"I got a letter. From Ben."
"I see," Prof said after a moment of silence. "Very well. If you would give me ten minutes to get a few things put in order here at work, I can give you about fifteen minutes now, and a longer session later on, if you're agreeable. Have you opened it?"
"No, Gene . . . he asked me to call you first." Sarah sighed. "Maybe I should just throw it away."
"Ten minutes," Prof said. "You just sit tight. I'll ring you in mere moments." And he was gone.
Jason came in first. He perched in the extra chair and watched her, his dark eyes full of concern. "What did he tell you to do?"
"Wait for him to call back. He's in the middle of getting things ready for the supper rush." Sarah stood up, unable to sit still. "I should get our supper started-"
"Mom. It's okay, I'll make it tonight." Jason watched her pace. "We've got a bunch of leftovers. We can have cottage pie."
Sarah felt a faint surprise. "You know how to make that?"
"Duh. I made it two weeks ago, remember? Jeez, calm down. You're gonna have a stroke." The derision in her son's voice conjured up a faint amusement. He peered at the letter. "Why do you think he wrote to you?"
Sarah walked to the window. She looked out over their yard, the thick green grass ornamented with little clusters of fallen leaves, their colors bright as jewels. "I don't know." She hated to admit it, because not to know scared her.
"Has he ever written before?"
"No." She watched a leaf move in a slow, lazy spiral past the glass. "He's never been much for communication of any kind." The phone rang and she jumped. Her hands shook as she took the call.
"All right there, my dear girl?" Sarah swallowed and nodded, remembered he couldn't see her.
"Yeah, I'm-I'm here."
"Excellent. Now listen to me carefully, Sarah Jane. I would like you to ask Gene to sit with you. Then you'll open the letter, and if you will, please read it to me."
"I'll get Dad." Jason was gone before she could even open her mouth.
"I believe that was the estimable Jason speaking just now," Prof said. "I shall leave it up to you whether you allow him to stay, but in my humble opinion he's quite old enough to listen and perhaps even add his own thoughts. An intelligent and perceptive young man, is our Jason."
"Yes . . . agreed." Sarah gathered her thoughts as Jason returned with Gene. The older man moved the extra office chair next to Sarah's, so he was on her right, and Jason was on her left.
"Very well. When you're ready, Sarah."
She set down the receiver and put it on speaker, picked up the letter and slowly opened it. It contained a single sheet of notebook paper. She unfolded it, cleared her throat, and read.
Sarah,
first off if you are readin this thank you. you got no reson 2 trust me after everthing that went on before so it meens alot. I wont mess aron just tell you I got cancer. Doc says liver & reel bad. he says a year but more lik 4 or 5 months I think.
Sarah stopped, the breath shocked out of her for the second time that day. Gene took her hand. She returned his hold, comforted by his touch.
"Sarah, I'm so sorry." Prof's voice was gentle. "Take your time."
It took her a couple of deep breaths, but eventually she continued.
this will sond dum but after he told me I got thinkin abt you & everthing that happin at our plase when we was kids & Gramma took you. knowin your goina die makes things so clere & I ben so mean wen all you was was good 2 me. I was wrong 2 hurt you Sare you dint desserve none of it. you tried 2 help & ther was nothin you cold do. Sare I'm sorry. that don't mean nothin I know but its all I got 2 give. dont come out her 2 see me. just when Matt tels you Im gone, sing for me. I alwas loved herin you you sing. have a wake lik we done for uncle Joe & see me into the dirt the old way. pore som whiskey out for me to so Gramma wil be mad haha!
I hope you are hapy with yor man & have a good live. you are a good persin Sare never let anyon tel you diffrent. if you want 2 writ back ok. if not I unerstan. the hospes doc says ok for you 2 cal but I dont ask you for that writ is enuf if you want 2 do that.
Ben
Sarah held the paper. In the knotted scrawl she saw her brother struggle to put the words on paper-words difficult not only to write, but to compose.
Prof broke the silence first. "My beautiful girl, you'll forgive me for truthful speaking," he said, his tone mild, "but it seems within this terrible tragedy, you've just been handed a great gift."
"A gift?" Jason sat up a bit. His dark eyes held anger, and confusion. "What do you mean?"
"He means my brother wants to talk to me for the first time since we were kids," Sarah said, and put the letter on the desk. She rested her hand on Jason's back and gave Gene's hand a squeeze. "It is a gift."
"Bought at a terrible price, but the most precious things often cost all," Prof said. "I won't ask you what you'll do because you need time to think about it, but I will request you not make any hasty decisions, dear girl."
"I won't." The words surprised her, but she meant them all the same. "Don't worry. I'm not goin' anywhere."
"Well done, Sarah Jane. Must dash, but shall I request you call me later tonight? I have the distinct feeling you'll be burning the midnight oil."
"Late is fine." Sarah rubbed Jason's shoulder. "We'll be celebrating the harvest tonight. I wish you could be here with us."
"As do I, my darling girl. Truth to tell, the only way I'll be celebrating is by cooking up the copious bounty we have here in the kitchen, but I'll be with you in spirit at least. Ta for now, my love."
The office was quiet after the call ended. Jason moved closer and leaned his head against Sarah's shoulder. "You really aren't going to Oklahoma?" he asked.
"No, sweetheart." It was the truth; she knew it was the right decision. "Ben and I have a lot to talk about, but we can do it on the phone. There's no need to meet face-to-face now, he said so himself. Besides," she slipped her arm around her boy and gave him a hug, "my family needs me right here." She smiled just a little when Gene brushed a kiss over her cheek.
They ended up in the back yard as planned, with scraps of wood and sticks stacked in the fire pit ready to burn. "Let's get this party started," Gene said. "I'd be happy with dogs, beer and potato chips tonight."
"And s'mores," Jason said. He dumped another load of sticks by the pit. As he straightened he shaded his eyes against the sunset. "House and Roz are coming over," he said. Sarah turned to look. Sure enough, the Houses were on their way. They both carried food containers. Hellboy followed behind them, tail held high.
"Well, how about that," Gene said, all innocence. Sarah swung her gaze to his. He gave her a sweet smile. "We aren't the only ones who like a big fat harvest moon for spoonin'."
"What's spoonin'?" Jason wanted to know. Sarah laughed a little and shook her head.
"You get to tell him," she informed Gene, and went to meet her oldest boy and his wife. Greg paused as she came to them.
"You can't ever just lead a boring little life, can you," he said, but the concern in his vivid eyes belied his harsh tone. Roz handed her containers to Greg, came forward and enveloped Sarah in a gentle hug. When she stepped back she smiled, but her gaze held worry and affection in equal amounts, just as Greg's did.
"Gene said you needed a little spoiling tonight. He didn't say what happened, just that you had some upsetting news. So we thought we'd bring over dinner and spend some time with you, if that's okay."
"It's more than okay." Sarah felt her sadness slip away. It wouldn't be gone for long, but a reprieve, however short, was welcome. "We're building a bonfire since it's a full harvest moon tonight."
"Perfect. We brought some Italian sausages and stuff to make kabobs," Roz said. "We heard a rumor you're doing s'mores, so there's bananas and ice cream to make splits."
"There better be copious amounts of alcohol too," Greg said, and went into the back room. Sarah gave Roz a pat and followed him into the house. As she entered the kitchen he gave her a quick glance. "So what the hell's going on?" He dumped the containers on the counter, made his way to the fridge and extracted a beer. "Gunney said you got a letter from Okie."
"My brother Ben has liver cancer," Sarah said. Greg popped the top off the bottle and took a long swallow. He watched her, his gaze keen and searching.
"You're headed out tomorrow then."
She shook her head. "Nope."
Greg's eyes widened. "Nope?"
"Nope." Sarah leaned against the counter. "He doesn't want a face-to-face meeting and neither do I. Too much . . ." She tried to find the words. "Too much," she said finally. "Distance is better for both of us."
Greg said nothing right away. At last he gave a single nod. "Good for you."
"Yeah. Thanks. At least he . . . he told me." Sarah glanced out the window as music began to play on the back porch. She smiled as she recognized the tune.
come a little bit closer
hear what I have to say
just like children sleepin'
we could dream this night away
"I think your main squeeze wants some quality time." Greg raised one brow in a mock leer. Sarah nodded and slipped out of the kitchen, to find her husband in the shadows. Just beyond his shoulder the moon began its slow climb into the darkening sky, yellow as butter above the new bonfire.
but there's a full moon risin'
let's go dancin' in the light
we know where the music's playin'
let's go out and feel the night
Sarah moved into his arms and accepted his kiss, returned it as they stood together in the soft light. After a few moments they began to move together slowly as the music flowed around them, sweet and full.
because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
because I'm still in love with you
on this harvest moon
Sarah rested her head on Gene's shoulder and closed her eyes. Sorrow retreated further into the shadows as strong, lean arms held her with tenderness. He sang with the verse, his soft voice true and clear.
when we were strangers
I watched you from afar
when we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart
She listened, her own heart open, glad of the velvet night and the man who loved her in spite of everything she'd done to push him away.
but now it's gettin' late
and the moon is climbin' high
I want to celebrate
see it shinin' in your eye
She joined him on the last chorus, to sing harmony to the melody.
because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
because I'm still in love with you
on this harvest moon
"Meet me upstairs later tonight?" Gene said as the song ended. Sarah laughed softly.
"It's a date." She kissed him, a salute they both enjoyed until a loud stage cough broke their reverie.
"Get a room," Greg said, and strode by them with a platter of sausages and vegetables, and his rare, one-sided smile plastered on his face. Just beyond him Sarah caught a glimpse of Jason, who stood on the other side of the fire with a bundle of sticks tucked under his arm. It was clear he'd watched them dance. The expression on his face made her heart break: happiness, bewilderment, and a longing so intense it was almost a living thing. She doubted he was aware of it, not yet anyway. But someday soon . . . She made a quick wish, something like a mother's prayer probably, though she'd never had any experience with them.
Let his first love be kind, and able to accept him for who he is. Even as she thought it, the words of another song came to her.
"You can add up the parts/but you won't have the sum," she said softly to the wavering light,
you can strike up the march,
there is no drum
every heart every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee
ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack a crack in everything-
"That's how the light gets in," Gene said, and smiled down at her. He glanced at Jason, then back at her. His gaze held comprehension and love in equal measure. "I want what we have for our boy too."
Sarah slipped her arm around Gene's waist. "Here's to future harvests," she said, and walked with him to the fire, where the rest of her family waited.
'Harvest Moon', Neil Young
'Anthem,' Leonard Cohen