Don't Drive Faster 4

Disclaimer: We still don't own them. Although neither of us would mind getting a Ranger (real or clone) for Christmas.

Authors notes: Sorry it's been so long since the last update. School kind of came around to bite us in the ass. Plus road trips at midnight aren't all that conducive to writing. But to make up for it, we have a longer chapter for you. Thanks to all who reviewed!

There are several fantasy references. Spot all of them and a hint to what is coming next.

"I wonder if either of them needs a retrieval operation."

Alejandro's remark managed to jar me from my plans to remove certain body parts from certain guardian angels. I couldn't stifle the snicker. "I hope so." I said, grinning evilly.

Alejandro shook his head. "I'm glad it's not me you're mad at Sere."

I snorted, coming completely out of my rage. It's a damn good thing Steph and I are with Alejandro and Ranger. I hadn't been paying attention to my surroundings. Any random loony or psycho could have snuck up on me in that state. "Constant vigilance" is the watch phrase for any guardian angel, especially any that get within a half mile of Steph, and that goes double for her own guardian.

"Sorry," I muttered. "That asshole just gets on my nerves."

Alejandro shrugged and raised an eyebrow. "Understandable."

Ranger interrupted us from the front seat, not that he knew he was doing it of course. "Where to, Babe?"

Steph frowned, and I could almost follow the thoughts as they raced through her mind. Alternative 1: her apartment. Rex was there, and no one would lecture her, and maybe she could convince Ranger to make sure that there weren't any psychos waiting for her. On the other hand, no car and it was unlikely that the food fairy had visited her to fill her empty refrigerator.

Alternative 2: Ranger's apartment. It had Ranger. And Ella. And Ella's cooking, but Steph doesn't have the guts to ask.

Alternative 3: Her parents' house. She would get lectured. Grandma Mazur's there. Her sister's family would be there. It's dinner time. The answer is inevitable.

"My parents'." Ranger arched an eyebrow. "By now my mom has heard about me and Morelli. I need to get over there and do damage control before she starts ironing the toilet paper."

"Babe," Ranger said, and pointed the car towards the Burg.

Steph groaned and sat back in her seat. "My mother is going to kill me."

We finished the ride in silence, though for different reasons. Ranger was in his driving zone, Steph and I were fuming and plotting doom, and Alejandro was wisely keeping out of the line of fire.

Ranger pulled the car to a smooth stop in front of the Plum house. Steph started to get out of the car, and Ranger stopped her with a hand on her thigh. "Proud of you, Babe."

Steph got out of the car and stood there stunned as he pulled away. With a small shrug she turned towards the house.

Her mother and grandmother were waiting at the door, per usual. Her grandmother was obviously happy, and her mother anything but. And the angels were worse.

Abrianna is Steph's mom's guardian angel, and like most, she reminds me a lot of her charge. She is prim, proper, and pure Burg. She is very good at the guardian duties that fall within her realm of experience, like dealing with husbands and children, but she's not very flexible. And she doesn't like me at all. While most guardian angels like the guardian of their charge's children because they keep them out of most trouble, and keep them alive and well, Abrianna blames me for every single scrape Steph has gotten into. Like it's my fault Steph does what she wants, when she wants. It's all I can do to keep her alive in the process.

Mabyn, Grandma Mazur's guardian on the other hand is currently dressed as a Vegas showgirl. Guardian angels may be immortal, but we tend to resemble our charges, so while Mabyn doesn't look quite as old as Grandma Mazur, she doesn't look young, either. I did NOT need to see that much of her. Crazy wardrobe aside, I like the woman. She usually takes my side.

"I heard you kicked Elmo in the nuts!" Mabyn said cheerfully, as Grandma Mazur congratulated Steph for doing the same to Morelli. The guardian angel grapevine rivals the human grapevine for speed.

"Stephanie Belinda Plum!" Ouch, all three names. "What were you thinking, kicking Joseph? How are you going to get anyone to marry you if you kick your boyfriend there?"

I tuned out the rest of the rant. I've heard it, or similar ones, too many times. Unfortunately, this meant that Abrianna started in on me.

"Sera, how could you let her do this? If you were a halfway decent guardian you'd be encouraging your charge to marry the Morelli boy. Elmo is such a nice angel…"

This is the second time in 30 minutes that I have been called an incompetent guardian angel. The first time resulted in Elmo's balls being introduced to his throat. Unfortunately, I can't do the same to Abrianna, as much as she asks for it. That doesn't mean I'll put up with this shit though. She's not my mother.

"Shut up, Abrianna. You do not dictate what is best for my charge. Steph tried the whole Burg wife bit. Been there, done that, not going back. Morelli just accused her of being a whore, why the hell would she put up with that?"

"Well, what else would he think, what with her going off with that bounty hunter?"

I didn't bother to answer. That woman will twist everything into her own skewed version of reality. Steph and I pushed past our respective tormentors and entered the house.

Steph thinks her family is crazy. She only has to deal with half of it. Mary Alice may want to be a horse, but Filipina has a horse. It has a white coat, blue eyes, and answers to Sayvil. Don't ask.

Mrs. Plum ushers the humans into the dining room, and the rest of us retreat to the living room. It's not as crowded, and—despite Grandma Mazur—they aren't in much danger at the dinner table.

"Is it true?" Val's angel, Maia, asked. "Did Steph really knee Morelli?"

I want to scream. She already knows the answer; she had to have been listening to the argument in the doorway. After all her charge has been doing—a certain foray as a lesbian and an unplanned pregnancy spring to mind—Maia has no room to talk. "It's no more than Val should have done to Steve." Have I mentioned before that we don't exactly get along?

"It's not like you handled Steph's marriage any better."

"I managed to end it before The Dick ran off with the babysitter and the savings. And was running off to Florida the best way to get Val married off again?"

Verence winced. He hadn't exactly tried to stop them. In fact, he was instrumental in keeping Maia from interfering. It's only because guardian angels can Pop in next to their charges that she wasn't left behind. She's still giving him hell for it. I feel sorry for him. He shouldn't have to put up with Maia just because his charge is marrying Val.

"Personally, I think kneeing Morelli is the best thing she could have done," Mabyn interjected. "After all, didn't that bounty hunter with the nice package bring her over here? And his guardian ain't bad looking either."

I groaned. Sometimes we tend to take after our charges a bit too much. "Why me?" I asked myself quietly.

"Sayvil says the answer is 42." Filipina said.

We just looked at her. We aren't sure if Sayvil actually talks to Filipina, or if Filipina just attributes certain remarks to her. We also aren't certain we want to know.

It was silent for a while. We had no idea how to answer that. We were saved from answering by Steph's voice from the other room.

"You want me to WHAT!"

This can't be good.