Chapter 4: Nuthouse

'Eww, it smells like rubber and medicine,' James commented as he and Maria searched for Laura in the hospital. 'If there's a doctor, maybe he can prescribe me some medical marijuana.'

'Why would he do that?' Maria asked.

'Coercement,' James said, subconsciously fingering his newfound steel pipe. 'Anyway, let's hurry up and find this brat.'

'You're not going to kill her, James.'

'I'm going to kill her – you're not going to stop me, Maria.' James and Maria ducked into a room, with a red piece of paper on the table. Our hero picked it up and looked at it long and hard, until the save screen came up. James decided not to save his game, confident in his abilities to pwn anything with the pipe (he'd forgotten about the pistol already). In an adjacent room, he found a piece of a diary.

Originally, I was going to write something of potential importance here, but for some reason, I'm not going to. I'm really drunk right now, but I remember it had something to do with 'reality' and some guy's other world. Anyways, what I really wanted to write is that we locked a BFG in the second floor, women's locker room. Well, we didn't lock it, and in fact, it's wide open. The ammo can be found in – well, we don't really know where the ammo went. That's the last time we trust Steve.

Time to drink some whiskey and –

'What's a BFG?' James asked.

'I don't know,' Maria said, 'because I never, ever have played Doom.'

'What's Doom?'

'Um, I wouldn't know, 'cuz I totally didn't play it. Ever.'

'Isn't that a game–'

'YEAH AND IT'S AWESOME!' Maria screamed suddenly. James looked at her blankly, and walked past her. She spaced out, and followed him dumbly.

'Time to go up the magical staircase of horror,' James said as he opened the stairway door. Sprinting up the stairs, he came to a door that had 2F written on it. Glad to be on the third floor, he opened it and felt something dull hit him in the head. Turning to his left he saw a weird, skimpily dressed Nurse, with a pipe in hand. James raised the pipe to fight it.

'James!' Maria shrieked, 'there's a monster!'

'Excuse me,' James said to the monster as he hit Maria in the head with the pipe. 'Thank you for the ground breaking info, Ms. Maria, but there were some subtle hints, like, I don't know, GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH THE PIPE, SEEING IT BEFORE YOU, and THIS RADIO GOING OFF THAT I DON'T REMEMBER PICKING UP!'

'Good point,' Maria conceded.

James turned back to the monster: 'Thank you,' he said as he dealt a strong blow to its head. Walking forward, he turned to the left and went in one room. Inside was a lab coat varnished with blood. James slid it on and giggled. 'I'm Dr. James!'

'Dr. Sunderland,' Maria corrected.

'Just for that, I diagnose you with bird flu and gonorrhea – oh and syphilis!'

'Already got the last two,' she said lazily.

'Crabs?'

'Got it.'

'Herpes?'

'Yup.'

'Anal seepage?'

'What?'

'You'll see.'

Maria ripped the lab coat off James and a key fell out. James stooped and put it in his bottomless pockets and they left, turning right and going through another door. Inside, James spied a teddy bear.

'Awesome!' he screamed, 'a teddy bear! Oh, I've always wanted one of the– AHHHHH!' James had picked up the bear, and now was bleeding profusely from his right hand. He reached and found a rusty nail embedded in the bear, and he screamed.

'What's wrong?' Maria asked.

'I pricked myself,' James said, screaming no more and acting casual, even though his hand was still gushing blood.

'Looks like it cut you a little,' Maria said sarcastically.

'Oh, it's nothin'.'

'Um, James, you may want to wrap that . . .'

'Nah,' James smiled and walked to the other lockers. Inside was a shotgun, along with a note:

Hey it's Steve – I, uh, kinda mixed up the package. Instead of the BFG, we kinda got an order of shotguns. We've placed random packs of shotgun ammo around the place. Just so I can know for future knowledge, why did we, a hospital, order a BFG?

Hastily written, there was another note under it:

So we can keep the patients under control, of course. What's more terrifying than seeing a humongous lazer-cannon being pointed at your face?

In reply, there was the same, lazy script below the hasty-script:

Probably those demon nurses carrying pipes. Why are they there, anyway? We should probably get rid of them, and maybe install some lights in here. I mean, the flashlight batteries keep dying, and then we have to feel our way to the rooms, and that's not pleasant with demon nurses wandering everywhere. We should REALLY stop giving the nurses drugs, it kinda makes them – well, carry pipes, get really pale, and shamble around. Really annoying. Maybe the shotguns will solve the problem . . .

James took the shotgun and cocked it, ready to blow the demon nurses back to the Hellish drug trip they came from. Maria scoffed and said 'What an ugly weapon. I'd leave it.'

'You'd leave a twelve-gauge shotgun behind? Are you an idiot?'

'Not as much as you.'

'Only a true friend would be so honest,' James said as he walked out the door. Maria sighed, and followed.

Going through a door into a long hallway with many rooms, James and Maria checked each room. None yielded anything of use. Singing 'Tom Sawyer' by Rush, James took off up the stairs, followed by Maria, who was vocalising the guitar. On the third floor there was a keypad locking a big double door.

'Well, guess we'll have to find the co–' Maria began; suddenly there was a loud blast, and the door flew open. James' shotgun was smoking.

'It appears the code was a couple rounds of buckshot,' James said as they walked through the door. Inside, there were a bunch of Nurses who raised their pipes threateningly.

'Die, Ja– whoa, is that a shotgun?'

'No,' James said.

'Oh,' the Nurses said with relief – and then their heads exploded after a bright flash, and loud boom.

'Wait . . . yes it is!' James said as he opened the nearest door. Inside was a bed. Maria sat down as James began shining the flashlight around.

'James . . . wait a minute. I'm kinda tir– stop shining that in my eyes! I'm kinda tired. Plus, my – JAMES, stop it! My herpes is flaring up.' She coughed.

'Well, stay here until it calms down. I'll go out and look for Laura.'

'Don't kill her!' Maria yelled after him. James ignored her. Happy to be rid of her, James ran up the stairs to the roof. Once there, he found a diary laying on the ground.

Day 1

Rain. Plus some lightning. Well, mostly tornados, and an earthquake. Then the sun went black. Anyways, I'm really bored here. I got myself committed because I thought they'd have drugs, but they don't . . . just White Claudia, which I'm now immune to. Maybe I can sneak some morphine in . . .

Day 2

No morphine, 'cuz the stupid nurses here are drinking it like water. Well, of course they drink it like water, it is a liquid . . . I mean, they guzzle it. Day in, day out, they're in the staff room drinking it by the gallons. Like, six of them got pregnant, and then they didn't care, just kept taking shots. This hospital is awesome!

Day 3

Rain again. Why am I writing a diary of my experiences in a mental hospital? I'm crazy, that's why. But still, what's the point of keeping a diary? I'm a MENTAL PATIENT. Noone is ever going to say 'He was so deep' or 'He was a tortured soul', because noone is going to READ IT. I'm just leaving it up here so it gets torn up by the rain. Screw this.

James raised his eyebrow, and ran to the safety railing. He pushed it a little, and it shook. Giggling, James stepped onto the edge of the roof and shook the railing with his body, screaming 'Whooooaaa!' Suddenly there was a loud scratching noise.

'Nothing!' James screamed as he jumped onto the ground. There, standing before him, was the Pyramid thing. James, remembering what the Pyramid had been doing in the Apartments, looked in horror as the thing came closer.

'I have a choice!' he screamed as he raised the shotgun and pulled the trigger. The shot hit Pyramid head on. Wait, no, hit Pyramid Head head on.

Pyramid, stunned, swung his knife forward, hitting James in the balls. Puking up blood and crying, James hit the safety railing, which broke off, crashing through the roof and landing on the third floor. Standing up as if nothing happened, James went through the door and back to the hallway containing the door where Maria was. Running to the end of the hallway, he opened the door and found a box, sealed with chains and two padlocks.

'Hmm . . .' James said as he raised the shotgun, blasting the box open. 'There is no limit to a human's abilities when armed with a high-powered close-ranged shotgun.' Inside was a hair. James took it and looked at it. It was long, and brown, and very much like a hair.

'What? Author, I hate you.'

Author: I had nothing to do with this one, man. Take it up with Konami.

'Can I just get out of this hospital, and find Laura!?' James screamed.

Author: Must I use the plot device once more?

'I don't know. I mean, yes.'

James was instantly whisked away to the first floor, where he opened a door. There were two large teddy bears on the table, and he heard Laura giggling.

'Laura?'

'Huh? You know my name?' she asked as she hugged a teddy bear.

'Freddie told me.'

'Eddie.'

'Who?'

'Eddie, the fat guy.'

'Who is that?'

'The guy who dresses like he's a toddler, and has a magnum.'

'I don't follow.'

'That fat idiot!'

'Oh, Eddie!'

'Yes!'

'That dark haired guy with the knife? I don't think he's fat.'

'Nevermind, James.'

'Nevermind, I have come to kill you!' James yelled triumphantly.

'Umm . . . you want some candy before you kill me?'

James paused. 'Yes, I think I shalt taketh this candy that thine offer mine-self.'

Laura stood up and ran out the door, taking James to a large double door. James entered and began scouring when the door slammed shut.

'Ha ha!' Laura cried. 'I tricked you!'

'There's no candy!?' James asked, almost in tears.

'You want out of there?'

'Not really,' James said. 'There's a Super Nintendo in here.'

'Whoa! Really?' Laura asked as the door opened. James leapt at the crack, screaming and pointing his shotgun at her head.

'I'll kill you, you little brat!' he spat.

Author: That rhymed.

Shut up. Anyways, Laura shut the door and locked it, running off crying. James turned around, and three caged-monsters fell from the ceiling.

'I'm almost out of shotgun ammo . . .' he said. 'One solution.' At length, he drew the plank and the pipe at the same time – with a cry, he charged forward and –

–BEEP–

We interrupt this program due to violence and much swearing. In this short intermission, we bring you what is happening to Maria. Thank you for your time, and attention.

Pyramid Head stood by Maria, who was snoring loudly, and seemed to be thinking.

I already went to prison once . . . I can't go again! But I just can't stop! Stupid childhood to desire to be loved, forcing me to make women (or mannequins) to –

'Hello?' Maria said, sitting up. Pyramid froze.

'Uhh . . . hey.'

'Let me guess. You're thinking of raping me?'

'Um . . . you could say that.'

'Well, no need. I'll take you for free.'

'Can – can you see right?'

'You don't look as bad as my other boyfriends.'

'I'm a monster, you know?'

'So is James, but I'd do it anyday.'

'. . . I agree there.'

'Do you have any "diseases"?'

'No – you?'

'Uh, nooooooo . . .'

To Be Continued . . .

— — —

Next chapter: Nightmare Hospital. Will Pyramid Head contract a sexually transmitted disease? Will James survive the fight with the weird cage monsters? Will Laura ever be killed? These questions will be answered – in another story, but we'll pose new ones in the next. HA!