Okay, yeah, I know it's short and that it sucks but I'm kinda depressed so my mind is acting wicked warped right now. Anyways, I'm sure I'll feel better and get back to the usual standard...I hope. Thanks for the reviews, at least I know it doesn't suck so bad lol. So..yeah, read on, and sorry again. Tell me what ya think.
- shalamar -
A Repetition of an Old Song
The door crashed open as Paige flung herself into the empty restroom. Tears were streaming down her face, faster than she could catch them to prevent salty wetness landing on her t-shirt. Her hands scrubbed angrily at already sensitive eyes, a tired yawn escaped an open mouth and with the weariness of an ailing soldier at the end of a waged war, she collapsed against the empty wall, sinking down to the dirty, white floor; her arms wrapped possessively around her bent knees, clinging for dear life to some semblance of protection as she tried to prevent her heart from breaking as the pain of the last two days overwhelmed her yet again. Alex's kind and laughing face forced itself back to the forefront of her mind and she longed to see it, touch it; hold it as she once had with such reverence, never truly understanding why such an amazing human being could ever be attracted to her hopeless body.
The door opened and Paige's body jerked, startled by the intruder. There was no way to hide what she had been doing. Tear tracks marked by her foundation, eyes even worse off than before and the almost child-like protective state would give anyone enough ammunition to humiliate her for the rest of her time at Degrassi. Paige sighed heavily, resigned to the fact that her reputation was now ruined. Without lifting her head she croaked sadly, "Do your worse. You can't hurt me anymore than I already have been. Yeah, laugh it up. The Queen Bee has been broken, you happy? Alex probably is." Alex started at the mention of her name. "Baby," she whispered unnecessarily, "your pain hurts me more than my own. It always has." Alex felt vulnerable, laying her heart on the line once again for Paige. She knelt down slowly, giving Paige time to register her presence. A forlorn, tousled, tow head rose from its safe space, and a raspy, childish voice made itself known to the silent, tension filled room, "Lexi? You came?" The pain in lovable blue eyes sent another crack through Alex's already beaten heart, "Always, baby. I can't let you be by yourself. Never." There was a long pause and then Alex spoke again, clearly fearful of the answer but there was a degree of hope to the plea, "Can I…uhm…would it be okay…I held…" she breathed, trying to steady her voice, "could I hold you?"
Paige didn't really know what to say. She wasn't at all sure what she was supposed to do either. She chewed her lip indecisively, and then, like divine intervention, it all became clear. Their relationship went beyond girlfriend and girlfriend; within their connection lay something deeper and far stronger than that on the surface. Alex wasn't just the girl she was madly in love with, the girl who had broken her heart; Alex was her best friend, closer than any other she'd had, even Marco. And even though the cause for her pain was Alex, the brunette would know exactly what to say and how to make everything better. At least, it would be less painful, because right now the pain was unbearable and Paige didn't think she could survive much longer. "I can't think of anything better." Paige said softly, her eyes meeting Alex's and re-connecting their ever present need for each other.
While the weight settled down beside her, Paige shuffled forward until she sat directly in front of Alex, a position she'd been in many times; and like a mystery that is finally cracked all the clues fell into place when Alex's strong, safe arms encircled the lithe, dancer frame and pulled the smaller girl tighter against her body. Paige let loose a contented sigh, "I feel like I'm back where I belong," she mumbled shyly. Alex nuzzled her head affectionately against Paige's bared neck, "And I feel like my arms were only made for you." Paige's eyes widened slightly, "It hurts Lexi," she whispered softly, "so much." Another tear fell and splashed against Alex's hand. "I know babe, I know." There was a slight pause as Alex considered whether to voice her next words, but gathering her courage she spoke honestly, "No matter what, I'm always your friend. And I'm always here with open arms, 'kay?" Paige snuggled further back into the warmth that she found irresistible. "Why, Lexi?" a tiny voice piped up; Oh shit, Alex thought, what the hell am I going to say now? "Uhmm, because" she stuttered and stumbled over the words, like some drunken lay-about succumbing alcohol's hold on speech mechanisms, "I…because…I mean…well."
Paige, even more upset than she had been before, tore away from Alex's arms, "Why can't you fucking say it?" she screamed, rather irrationally, "Is it so hard to want to love me? What's the damn problem?" She grabbed Alex by the forearms and yanked her up off the floor and pulled her close, blue eyes darkened to a midnight blue and blazed angrily at the terrified girl before her, "I LOVE YOU!" she yelled. "I.LOVE.YOU. But you wouldn't understand that because you're too stupid to even comprehend complex emotions like that, or maybe it's because you don't know how to feel, well screw you Alex. Screw you!" Paige pushed Alex away from her and wrapped her arms protectively round herself. "Get the fuck out of here you heartless bitch." Alex gazed at her, stunned. "Get. Out" Paige felt no pain as she watched more tears flow in streams down Alex's face as her mouth opened and closed, words apparently failing her completely. "Didn't you hear me? I said get out! Get out, get out, get out!" and with that final scream Paige shoved Alex out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
Paige slumped against the wall with shaking shoulders announcing her defeat. "I love you," she whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you." She began to mumble incoherently while rocking dangerously back and forth, a look of complete wonderment crossing her face and she realized she'd truly lost Alex, and with this discovery, a low keening sound broke free from her lips and the tears, the powerful tears that she had been fighting with all her strength to prevent from falling all over again, dripped shamelessly from powerless tear ducts, the only sound that penetrated her ears was the ringing of the bell as it echoed throughout the empty corridor.
The relentless dripping of a carelessly un-tightened tap mirrored the endless waterfall of darkness that was currently seeping into Paige's soul, filling her with anger, depression, hate and a general dislike of the world around her. She wanted to hit something and with her new found rage fuelling her now almost lifeless body, she rose to her feet in one seamless movement. A pale fist pulled back with strong, clenched fingers indenting a soft, pampered palm with tiny, reddened half-moon marks – the signs of barely controlled emotion; and in a smooth movement, almost slow motion worthy, taut skin, flesh and bone connected with dingily plastered wall; a resounding crack burst forth from the impact as the cheap wall fell through and the only evidence of the complete loss of control was a gaping hole in the plaster, puffs of white powder blasting onto the floor followed the hapless chips of paint covered plaster cast. "FUCK YOU!" Another smash to the wall, "Fuck You, you heartless bitch. Fuck you, fuck you. FUCK YOU!" Screams and tirades of profanity slipped through raspberry lip-gloss covered lips, words to shame the most hardened criminal, as blonde curls whipped angrily in the air, blood covering the tips that managed to catch themselves in the melee of the fight between Paige and the undeserving wall.
The pain, fatigue from lack of sleep and general inability to go on soon won out as Paige stood panting heartbreakingly glazed eyes seeing nothing that lay before her. The sights she saw were all of Alex; her smirk, her laugh, her caring gaze, her sensitive smile, her protective embraces, her knowing grins, long fingers creeping up pale skin, black hair being tossed by a cheeky wind, a pale, bruised face with a drained expression, eyes closed and hair teased by sleep, deep brown eyes that held Paige's own crystal eyes; all of it no longer hers. What hadn't hit Paige yet, was truly making it's presence known now; there would be no more cuddles, no more lovingly uttered nonsense words, no more sympathetic arms, no more sweet sensitive kisses, no more burning, bruising and soul-scratching touch of lips – it was all gone. And in the blink of an eye, Paige's understanding of the world seemed to disappear, and unknowingly to her, perhaps only for a mere moment, the world seemed to end and the meaning of life seemed impossible to ever understand.
With a sigh of a thousand life-times and of a person far older than herself, Paige looked at her hand confusedly – the cracked skin, dripping blood, ripped tendons and the slight cramp that appeared with the bending of her fingers. "Huh. Painful" she said out loud with a tone of great interest; and to any who might of observed Paige's curious speech, she would have seemed simply insane. "I should get that looked at." She murmured to herself, and with that decision, Paige picked up her bag with her uninjured hand, looped it over her shoulder and wandered out of the bathroom, the nurse's office her only destination.
The corridors of Degrassi Community High School were finally silent, devoid of idle chat about weekends and homework; no hurried footsteps striving to just beat the bell and the clatter of lockers banging with that singularly metallic bang was no more as students had long since retrieved their desired books. A lone, balled-up piece of A4-lined file paper rolled aimlessly along the floor, forgotten in the rush to get to class, its owner unaware of its absence. Its destiny was unknown as it conducted a leisurely journey throughout the school. In the time it took that one piece of discarded paper to make its rounds of the school like some cliché scene of rolling tumbleweed amidst the dusty planes of the Wild West, the snow had begun again and for a single moment in time, everything stopped; the pain of two girls, one blonde and one brunette, who couldn't be any more unalike yet neither more deserving of each other, seemed to stretch on forever.