Perseus: The God of the Absence of Light
Chapter four:
Zeus lowered his bolt; the constant flashes of lightning in his eyes slowed down an his scowl slowly lessened. The King of the Gods turned to his eldest son. Perseus was pretty ragged looking, his eyes were drooped, he was breathing through his mouth, the god's handsome face was covered in sweat and his hair that was usually so immaculately combed up had fallen down onto his forehead, matted down giving him short bangs. His power was almost totally depleted. He had just demolished one of the Egyptians more powerful gods and had stood his ground against the God of the Sun.
"You did well Perseus, I'm proud of you. Now you must clean yourself up and eat Ambrosia and drink of Nectar! Your current appearance is not befitting of a Prince of Olympus." Zeus said once he got himself out of battle mode.
"Thank you Lord Zeus, I would have surely been sent to Tartarus had your arrival not been so timely. And right away sir." Percy got himself up and with great effort melted into darkness. He reappeared seconds later in a bathtub in his tent. Not wanting to waste any of his remaining energy on fixing his haggard appearance with magic. Once he finished cleaning off, Perseus ate a good pound of Ambrosia and drank down at least four chalices of Nectar. Afterwards he was feeling much better and went to meet with the generals along with Athena to discuss the previous events. He put away his rivalry with his elder sister for the time being, times of war require petty rivalries be put to the side.
Back with Lysander and the Spartans they all stood in front of their camp, their mouths half agape. "Holy shit sir, he beat the hell out of that goddess." One of Lysander's best Captains, Themistocles stated, his voice filled wit awe.
"Yes, yes he did. That's why we're so proud to have Perseus as our Patron God." Lysander replied, a grin on his face.
"We were lucky Zeus showed up when he did though, there's no way Lord Perseus could have stood up to the power of Ra after putting that much effort into his fight with Isis." Another of Lysander's Captains stated. His name was Akhilleus.
"Yeah, that's the truth man. But did you feel that? The whole damn desert got 10X darker when Lord Perseus put all that effort behind that darkness beam thing." Replied the first Captain, Themistocles.
Lysander left, walking back to the General's Tent where he knew they'd be discussing the aforementioned battle with Athena. He walked off listening to his men laugh heartily at some rather lewd jokes about what they'd have done after beating Isis. He was pretty sure one of them mentioned taking her as a concubine. The great King laughed under his breath as he walked away. "Ah, young men. Always have such a one track mind, hmm?" Lysander turned to his right to see Perseus walking up to him, fully dressed in his battle armor, his helm in his right hand's grasp. Percy's left eyebrow was cocked as he made the above comment.
Lysander immediately bowed to his Lord. "Ah, apologies Lord Perseus. I did not see you coming." Lysander said with his eyes down to the sand.
"Get up, it isn't right for a King such as yourself to be bowing. Stand up, let us converse on our way to the General's Tent. I don't like mortals prostrating themselves before me so. I haven't known you long enough to deserve such respect from you." Perseus chided the great warrior.
"All due respect milord, but you most certainly have earned the respect of all the Spartans. You stood toe to toe with The Lord of the Seas and have beaten two powerful Egyptian deities to within an inch of their life. You have led us Spartans to glorious battle a few times now and each time we have come out victorious under your leadership. A god such as yourself certainly does deserve my respect." The Spartan King replied.
"I thank you for such kind words Lysander. Now, back to my original statement hmm? Don't young men have such one track minds?" Perseus inquired once more as they walked off to the center of the Achaean's encampment.
"Yes, they certainly do. Heh, I remember when I was a young warrior, when I had experienced but 21 winters. I took my first prisoner, she was a beautiful woman who was given to me by my Commander as a reward for my valiant acts during battle. I had the options of taking her as a concubine or sending her to work the fields at my farm back home in Sparta. Being the young, testosterone driven man I was I took her as a concubine and made love to her several times a day each day for the next month. When I had thought she was loyal to me I thought I could spend the night sleeping beside her only to wake up to a blade but a hair's breath from my throat. Luckily I was well trained and turned the blade on the traitorous whore, stabbing her through the heart. I learned then that women are never to be trusted, never again did I indulge myself so wantonly in the throes of passion. Always limiting myself to but one night per woman until I met my wife whom I married." Lysander recounted his tale, bitter vitriol in his voice when he got to the part the girl's treachery.
"Really, never to be trusted? I don't know about that. Yes, Pandora did release everything bad into the world. However, every woman alive isn't like Pandora. The problem is that us men have one weakness above all others, women. Men's greatest weakness is women. They can exploit us easier than any other because of how hardwired we are to lust after them. If you had cared for that woman more, showed her that she wasn't just a concubine to you then perhaps she would have been loyal to you 24 hours of the day instead of just the time that you were in the throes of passion. I agree however, that you should not trust a woman you had recently kidnapped and defiled enough to let her sleep beside you." Perseus lectured Lysander, using a slightly humorous tone at the end.
Lysander adopted a look that showed he was contemplating what the great god had told him. "I suppose you are correct. I shouldn't have expected any less from the god of Intellect and Knowledge huh? haha" the King laughed.
Perseus just smiled and opened the flap to the General's Tent as they approached it.
Lysander schooled his face into a serious one as he took his place at the right of Theophilus. The Athenian General nodded to him and bowed slightly when Perseus entered the tent, to which the God of Shadows acknowledged the young genius with a tilt of his chin.
There was a long, ornate table that took up much of the space in the room. It showed a detailed map of Egypt and was enchanted by Hecate to zoom in to any location which you ordered it to. (Like a voice commanded google maps... but more detailed) You could trace on the table and arrows and other symbols you wanted would appear to represent things like base camps and future movements etc...
Currently the Greek Camp was represented by the color blue and it was set up as a circle of tents surrounded by multiple squads of 50+ guards who switched out guard duties with those asleep every hour. Giving each person an equal amount of sleep, which was 7 hours. There was a Large triangle in the center of the camp that represented the General's tent along with Perseus's tent and Athena's tent directly across from his own. Which formed a triangle.
The cities of Cairo an Gaza were in red and were very large and circular. Both had strong stone walls that stood about 25 feet high and a large wooden door reinforced with Iron on the North, and South sides. Further down the Nile, massive, multiple mile long caravans stretched on for what seemed like an eternity. They were on either side of the Nile. There were other, smaller military Caravans coming from other directions to the two great cities as well. Those were the Egyptian forces, the Achaeans were extremely outnumbered.
Athena and Perseus took their spots at the head of the table opposite to Lysander and Theophilus.
"We will begin our march at dawn and will not stop until we are but a mile from Cairo. We will be at the top of this," Here the map zoomed in on the area surrounding Cairo and there were multiply very tall sand dunes. "...sand dune here. Which is the tallest in the area. We will make our encampment on the back of it, so that we will be just out of sight to their lookouts. Hades will make an elaborate tunnel system under the dune and will turn much of the sand to stone under us so as to give us a more permanent platform. The tunnels will go down deep and will lead back to a secondary base that we can retreat to a few miles behind us should we ever get overrun. We will do the same on the Gaza side of the Nile. On the first day Poseidon will challenge their God of the Nile and kill him, thus taking control of the Nile. From there he will sink any Egyptian ship that seeks to enter the Nile. Thus crippling their economy and limiting their ability to resupply." Perseus finished. Lysander and Theo taking mental notes of every word.
"Yes, and once we have that all finished we will make obstacles for any invading force. We shall place long, sharp pikes in a base that we will burry in the sand. The pike will stick out at a 45 degree angle so as to stop any cavalry attacks and to disrupt the formations of invading forces. Once this is finished we will construct guard towers, about 25 feet high so that we may see invading forces when they leave the city. Once we have completed our basic defenses which will most likely take a good day or two, Hades will flatten the ground before our sand dune so as to make the battlefield completely flat and thus to our phalanx's advantage." Athena stated. This was made note of by each general on a roll of Papyrus.
"We will attack on the third day. They won't leave their cities until their entire military force arrives, which will happen on the third day we arrive. Perseus will lead the first charge with Apollo and Poseidon against Cairo with half his division and half of Poseidon's. The other half of each will stay behind as reinforcements. The force he will take shall be led by Lysander and Aetolos, the reinforcements by Theokholos and Artemis . I will lead the first charge on Gaza at the same time with Zeus. We will do the same as Perseus and Poseidon. Both charges will take half of their minor gods with them. The Olympian's jobs will be to deal with the powerful Egyptian gods while the rest will be left to the minor gods unless they actively challenge you. If there are no gods on the field then go ahead and wreak havoc on the Egyptian mortals as you please. We will meet again the morning of the first charge. Now go, get your rest. You'll need it." And with that the Goddess of Wisdom turned and left the tent with Theophilus. Lysander and Perseus were the last in the tent, Aetolos having left with his father Zeus to discuss the use of lightning on the battlefield.
"Milord, do you truly think we can win? I know we are much better warriors than them but there are there are just so many." The King of Sparta asked.
"I do think we can win. Poseidon will kill Apophis and Zeus will deal with Ra. That may take a long time but those are the only gods we really have to worry about. I know I can beat Horus again should he show his ugly beak once more, Isis I can deal with without a problem. The only god of theirs that gives me any worry is the Crocodile God, Sobek. I think I can take him one on one but should he prove too powerful my sister Artemis will help. I think we can win this war. Though we will have some casualties. They have a lot more gods than us. Should any of them get past us they could wreak havoc in your ranks." Perseus concluded.
"I see, thank you milord." Lysander finished before walking to leave the tent. Perseus soon followed and both rested, hoping to be rejuvenated for the day ahead.
Three days later:
Hades had flattened the ground in front of Cairo and Gaza, the Egyptian forces had arrived, the tunnel system was made, the retreat base was finished, there were 12 scout towers around each camp on either side of the Nile. Poseidon had wiped the floor with the god of the Nile and then proceeded to drown 5000 Egyptians who were in it. Men, women, and children. The camp at Cairo was on the back of a hill of stone covered by sand. Courtesy of Hades, the same was true of the camp at Gaza. Perseus and Poseidon were currently just leaving the main encampment with 3,750 mortals. half of which were Perseus's Spartans, the rest being the Spartans, Thebans and Mycenaean's under Poseidon. 33 demigods made up the center of the Phalanx, Lysander was at the very center though, Aetolos to his right. Poseidon and Perseus eclipsed the hill first and they saw the huge walls of Cairo again, it truly was a magnificent city... too bad they would have to burn it to the ground.
The walls stood 25 feet high and they had an archer posted every 5 feet on the wall. The wall stretched the entire city and the wall facing them was about a mile long. There was a mile of flat sand before they got to the great wooden doors of the city. That would be the battlefield.
The Spartans came over the hill, their formation being two rectangular phalanxes. One behind Perseus, and the other behind Poseidon. Behind both Phalanxes, in-between them and behind them was a group of 77 minor gods who would, when the fighting broke out, go off in search of Egyptian gods on the battlefield to kill. Each Phalanx was 374 men across and 5 men deep. After smashing into the Egyptians they would break apart into smaller teams and cut swaths through the Egyptian ranks before the reinforcements would come down in the same formation and do the same and the original force would retreat leaving only the front line of the phalanx to stay and fight alongside the reinforcements until the day's fighting was over.
As Perseus and Poseidon closed in on the Walls the great wooden doors slammed open and out came thousands of chariots, and a force of 35,000 Egyptians. As soon as the Achaeans were within range the Egyptian archers opened fire. The Spartan archers and Apollo gave return fire and Apollo shot enchanted arrows that exploded on impact, killing everything in a 2 foot radius. He took aim for the chariots and at least 300 of them were blown apart by his explosive arrows before they reached the phalanx. Another 500 or so were rendered useless by the Mycenaean and Theban archers spraying them with arrows, killing the horses and the drivers of the chariots. The rest of the Chariots were either obliterated by one of the minor gods or the horses were speared before the chariot could impact the phalanx. The Egyptian quickly realized that chariot rushes wouldn't work on a Greek Phalanx.
The Opposing Egyptian force tried to meet the Phalanx head on but at least 8000 of them were instantly trampled the moment they met the Spartan charge.
Poseidon met the opposing forces first. He thrust his trident into one of their champions before flashing off to face against the god Geb who rose up from the sand in the back of the Egyptian ranks. Perseus drew both his blades, now names Acclaim and Recompense. Acclaim being his long xiphos, Recompense being the shorter. He quickly became a whirlwind of death and shredded through weak Egyptian gods and mortals like a hot knife through butter.
Then the aforementioned carnage occurred. The first line of both of the Spartan Phalanx's met with the charging Egyptians. The Egyptians weighed about 100 pounds less due to their lack of armor and/or very light armor, combine that with the Spartans superior height, muscle, speed, and weaponry, well... the Egyptians got skewered and trampled. It wasn't even mainly the spears, the Spartans with their forward momentum and the lines behind them pushing them along rammed into the Egyptians and knocked them straight on their backs. Their sandaled feet and pointed butt ends of their dory's met the trampled Egyptians and none survived. 8000 Egyptians were trampled before they got any traction. One of their champions who channeled the power of Horus became an Avatar for the god and was able to kill a few of the front line Spartans. This signaled the break. The Achaeans split into groups of 5-10 and formed circles that walked in tandem with each other, slaughtering all the Egyptians that got in their way. From no direction were any of the clusters open to attack. The Egyptians simply had never fought an enemy like this.
The Egyptians killed a few Spartans and many had arrow dents in their armor but only 5 had died in the first 30 minutes, whereas almost 21,000 Egyptians fell to Achaean dory's and blades. However, to be fair, the Egyptian gods were being annihilated by the Minor gods of the Greeks and any Egyptian God who held any real power was quick to find themselves in a losing battle against Perseus or Aetolos or Theokholos who had formed a little three way back to back with Lysander and were hunting for Egyptian Gods or Champions.
Perseus was currently fighting off four Egyptian gods at once. One was the goddess of flowers... yes, flowers. Another was the god of wheat. The other two Perseus had no idea. Each of them were good fighters, better than a very talented mortal at least.
Percy blocked a slash of a khopesh with Acclaim(long/right one) and parried away a jab with Recompense(short/left one). He quickly kicked the goddess behind him, sending her back a few feet before ducking under a thrust and springing up from under and doing a front flip. While in mid air he slashed the head from the god of wheat's shoulders and sent a pulse of darkness at the ground which expanded out, pushing away each of the Egyptian gods and giving him a good 12 feet of distance from each of his opponents. Away went his dual xiphos' and out came Piercer along with his shield which Lysander had named Bulwark.
As the goddess of flowers sent a plethora of spells at him he blocked them all with his shield and sent a highly concentrated beam of darkness from his spear tip that struck her in the chest, sending her straight to Tartarus. He then rammed his spear backward too fast for the god trying to sneak up on him to notice and rammed the butt spike of his spear into the god's stomach, making him hunch over, drop his weapon, and scream out in agony. The fourth god lasted another minuet in khopesh versus spear and shield combat but was eventually killed by a thrust to the skull that literally split his head open down the middle. The god that was bleeding ichor all over the ground from his stomach wound was taken out of his misery by a quick thrust to the heart.
Suddenly there was a bright blue light and a falcon headed Egyptian god appeared, a khopesh in each hand. Horus had returned. He rushed forward, hoping to aid his warriors against the invading Spartans but was met halfway there by Perseus, the god whom had humiliated him in Sparta. The man stood tall, about 6'5" and jacked. His armor failing to fully conceal his muscles. His eyes were squinted at the Egyptian god of War. Both ends of his pitch black Dory were coated in a mixture of Ichor and blood. His sheaths also had ichor and blood on them, signaling that both xiphos' had been slid back into their sheaths coated in blood and ichor, he had used those blades to kill Horus' family members and warriors. The Falcon Headed god was furious. He rushed forward without thought or word.
There was no intro to the battle Perseus melted his spear and shield into shadows and drew both xiphos'. They instantly became blurs of black and blue respectively. Perseus would block with Recompense(short/left one) and then slash at Horus with Acclaim(long/right one). A few times they stopped and met in a sword lock. Perseus's superior strength became painfully apparent once again as Percy would dominate each sword lock. After a few seconds Horus's own swords would be pressed against his neck and he'd have to kick Perseus away to regain his composure. Then their battle would continue. Horus tried to find some aspect of combat that he was superior to his opponent in, but there was none. After a good ten minutes of back and forth fighting Horus simply couldn't get an offense going. Percy finally struck with Acclaim hard enough to knock Horus's left Khopesh away and with a quick backspin Perseus was able to stab the Falcon-god through the stomach with his shorter left xiphos(Recompense). As the Egyptian God gasped for breath the entire battlefield stopped fighting. Warriors from both sides watched, struck with awe or terror, depending on their affiliation. Perseus stood there, locking eyes with the Falcon God as said god tried feebly to get air into his lungs. The God of Darkness felt no pity for the God of War and pulled Recompense from the Falcon-God's abdomen before spinning and lopping the Egyptian god's head from his shoulders, and watched as half his essence was absorbed into the Stygian Iron blade that he wielded and the rest turned to gold dust, his essence descending to the deepest depths of Tartarus. Perseus felt no remorse, he felt... giddy even.
Geb roared, "NOOOOOOOOO!" But his cry was cut short as he had to try and dodge another thrust from Poseidon's Trident, only to fail, and be skewered by the three pronged weapon of death. Poseidon quickly removed his Trident from the Egyptian God of the Earth's chest cavity and with a blast from his Trident sent the God to Tartarus. On the Gaza side of the Nile Zeus just finished Nut, blasting her remains to Tartarus with his Bolt as Athena finished killing three minor Egyptian gods, wiping their Ichor from her spear.
The reinforcements then came and those who had been in the rear four rows of the phalanx retreated, their spots on the battlefield filled by the reinforcements. It wasn't needed however. The Egyptians were nearly defeated.
After about 15 minutes the Egyptian warriors and other gods fled quickly, their morale and strength nearly completely gone after the loss of Horus.
At the order of Lysander and Poseidon the Greek force went back to their base after a hard day's fight. Zeus's division fought on for another hour before their fighting came to an end. Apollo and Artemis shot arrows from the bridge Poseidon had constructed to assist his father's force in routing the Egyptians back behind the walls of Gaza.
At the end of the first true battle of the war the Greeks lost 42 Spartans, 5 of which were front line fighters, 1 demigod, a son of Nemesis, and 2 minor gods, Pallas, and Eos on the Cairo side.
On the Giza side they lost 71 mortals, 2 of which were front line fighters (part of the first row of the phalanx), no demigods, and 4 minor gods.
The Egyptians lost almost 45,000 soldiers, 30,000 on the Cairo side and 15,000 on the Giza side, 12 of which were champions (their best fighters, whom channel the power of their patron god) and almost 200 minor gods, also lost three major gods, Geb, Nut, and Horus. Neither Ra nor Apophis made an appearance though Osiris did and even fought Athena to a standstill.
Mini-Line break:
After about 2 hours of nursing their wounds the Greeks, mortals, and immortals all met around the pyre that night. Burned the bodies of the dead and conversed about the battle.
"You were right Perseus, our warriors are worth many of theirs, our gods are better than theirs, our demigods are better than their champions. I believe you now, we will win this war." Lysander concluded to his City-State's patron god, Perseus.
"Yes, yes we will. I believe that Athena has a pretty nasty grudge against that Osiris, the Egyptian God of the Dead now. He won't be long for this world. Father will eventually kill Ra with Athena's help and I will probably help Poseidon send Apophis back to Tartarus. They've already lost three of their greatest fighters, Horus, Nut, and Geb. The Egyptian Pantheon is not going to survive much longer." Perseus concluded.
"I concur with my brother! The Egyptians aren't going to last much longer!" Apollo yelled jubilantly, raising a cup of very dark wine. The rest of the Greeks cheered to that, raising their cups of significantly lighter wine, holding in their laughter at the very drunk Apollo.
"Easy there Apollo, don't wanna have a hangover for the battle tomorrow." Percy, assuming the role of caring older brother reminded his younger sibling, though even he struggled not to laugh.
"Come on Percy, I thought, you're the god of Intelligence and Knowledge. One square of Ambrosia cures a hangover." Apollo laughed.
"True, but you don't want to set a bad example for the troops." Percy countered humorously.
"Ugh, fine, you win. No more dark wine for me. Bring out the light wine!" Apollo accepted defeat before hyping up the soldiers again with a tale of his and Artemis' first victory against their eldest sibling... in song form of course. What else would you expect from the god of Music and Poetry.
AN: Ah, there we go. Three chapters in three days. I definitely deserve a medal for that. Like, come on.
So here starts the Inter-Pantheon War. In these next few chapters many relationships will develop. Perseus may just get a love interest, Apollo and Percy may grow even closer, Athena and Perseus will be spending many hours together, their rivalry may escalate. Zeus's wishes have become a reality, Perseus is fighting for him, he is mercilessly killing his enemies, Perseus is Zeus's weapon of destruction. Horus is dead, Geb is dead, Nut is dead. That leaves Ra, Apophis, Isis, Set, Nephthys, Thoth, Anubis, Sobek, Bast, Heka, and Neith. Those are the rest of the major gods who actually could stand against an Olympian for a long time. Well, Ra, Apophis, and Set could probably kill Artemis, Apollo, or Athena and Ra or Apophis have like a 50/50 chance against Perseus. Also, we've seen a few different sides of some characters and got a bit of back story for Lysander. Lysander, Aetolos, and Theokholos will all get a lot more back story in the next few chapters. Trust me, you'll love them. This war will really show the limits of Percy's strength and start the conflict between him and his father that will set off the main plot of the story. THIS IS STILL THE INTRO! AHHHHHHHHH! This story is gonna be long as fuck. Better strap in, cause it's about to be one hell of a ride.
Reviews:
Guest: I love the story; however, I hope you plan to either stay away from romance or have someone besides Artemis as the love interest.
Answer: Weeeeeeeel, thanks bud! However I'm most certainly not staying away from romance. I love stories with Artemis as the pairing but alas, that simply wouldn't work here. I'm not sure who the final pairing will be but we'll find out! There'll probably be a pairing during the Greek-Egyptian War, then another during the happenings of the Iliad and the Odyssey. Then another at the war I won't reveal yet. And then ANOTHER who will be the final pairing during the rest of the story, the main story. Everything up to that war I won't reveal yet is the intro, backstory lol.
Fairy Tail's She-Devil: Love the originality in the story! Very well thought out and I look forward for more. What is the pairing in this story though? Just curios on how you establish that
Answer: Thank you Fairy (watch as I stretch out these review answers to reach my personal word requirement of 5250 words laugh my ass of... see I even spelled "lmao" out.) Also, there'll be many a love interest. Percy's gonna get around through his life. The idea of Percy only having one girlfriend throughout an entire series is patently insane in my opinion. If you're fighting monsters and especially if you're a god or even a demigod where half your genes are from a genetically perfect being and you still got no game... that's just frankly sad. No one can fight and kill monsters all year yet still not be jacked, and if you're in good physical condition like a demigod would be Percy would have had a few girlfriends during school years, he wouldn't have just been "waiting" for Rick. Sorry bout the mini rant but yeah, many love interests before we get to the main pairing. Also, many a mortal will sire his demigod children, which will be an important thing in the Trojan war... wink wink, nudge nudge.
Sithdoom: I HAZ BESTEST GRAMMUR NOONE HAZ BESTER GRAMMUR THEN MUH
Answer: ...correct.
Mydrums27: great start, can't wait to see where this story gors
Answer: Thanks, I can't wait either to be totally honest with you.
32: interesting..
Answer: ...* ...and thank you, that's sorta what I was going for.
FL4MING-PHO3NIX (I hate your name by the way, it took too long to type.): this is a really good story love the plot and I've never heard anything like it keep up the good work and you know a story is special when I review because I rarely ever review unless I think a story is amazing
Answer: Why thank you. Do you also never use any punctuation and barely any capitalization when you think a story is amazing? Sorry... bit of a grammar Nazi. Thank you nonetheless, I do work pretty hard on it. So your appreciation is greatly appreciation.
Malosi06: I really like this story. Please don't abandon. Also can't wait for the war, I hope he crushes the Egyptian gods. Go Percy.
Answer: Thanks, I won't. And yeah, he does.
Emma Chase-Hunter of Artemis: So... Erebus is talking about Apollo? Not Percy? Huh. I did not see that coming...
Answer: Ah no... I honestly have no clue from what you came to that conclusion. I said that somewhere else in the Universe, in the center of a star Aether was having similar thoughts but about Apollo not Percy. Meaning that Apollo will be the Champion of Aether and Percy the Champion of Erebus. Also, Hunters of Artemis are sexist pigs, if you come anywhere near me I'll skewer you with my spear, I ain't getting castrated by some prepubescent girl who has daddy issues. ...yeah, I really don't like hunters, sorry.
black current13: really enjoying it great job. also is there a decided(if your doing one) pairing?
Answer: Thanks. As to your second question, yes, there is.
son of hades1: Keep up the great work
Answer: Thanks, I am.
Phew, finally, done. Did I make it? Did I make my word requirement? Yes! I gave pointlessly vapid answers to reviews so I could reach it and I succeeded! Victory!
Word count: 5,552