Chapter 4: Rare Minerals; in which bears are not pets. Please. No seriously.

"Well," Wade said, from where he was, curled around Peter piggy-back style as Peter swung around New York in his Spiderman suit, "he actually talked about you."

Wade's voice was uncharacteristically serious and that alone caused Peter to make a pit stop on the roof of an office building only half a mile from their apartment. Wade clambered off of Peter's back and sat on the edge of the building, his back to the skyline.

"What about?" Peter asked and scratched the back of his head. He itched to take off his mask so he could run his fingers through his hair, a habit he just couldn't shake, even though it was a sure-fire way for anyone who knew him to be able to tell that he was confused.

Wade kicked his feet against the concrete. "I wasn't really paying attention, actually."

A snort escaped Peter before he could finish fully comprehending what Wade had said. "What?"

Wade smiled up at Peter. "He called me in, all of the Avengers actually, and sat me down to talk about you, Petey-pie, but then I started thinking about all those chimichangas I just left there that I couldn't really concentrate. I mean, chimichangas, Baby Boy! And I just left them!" He threw his hands in the air in a totally scandalized manner and Peter couldn't stop a smile from lighting his face.

"Don't worry, Wade. I gathered them up. Then I ate some, 'cause I was hungry, but the left-overs are in the fridge at home."

Wade jumped to his feet and planted a spandex-on-spandex kiss on Peter's cheek. "I love you so much!"

Peter laughed but then a zing went up his spine and he straightened.

Wade lazily stretched. "That Spidey sense of yours tingling?"

Peter noded and scanned the surrounding area. There! He heard a scream coming from three alleys over.

Peter looked over at where Wade lounged. "Coming?"

"Maybe later, sexy!" Wade said and wiggled his hips suggestively. "But right now I think I'll let you take care of this. Too many sightings of Deadpool and Spidey teaming up and people are going to start getting ideas."

Peter let out a short laugh and stepped onto the edge of the building. "We're dating, Wade."

"They don't know that," Wade scoffed playfully, and made a shooing motion with his hand. "Go on, then. I'll meet you at home, eh?"

Peter nodded absent-mindedly and dove off the building.

Another scream, this time a higher pitch.

Peter's arm shot out, a string of web attaching itself to a corner of an office building, and then he was flying through the air, another shot of web, two more swings and he was dropping into a dark side street right behind a would-be mugger. The guy had a balaclava on and was pointing a gun at man in a polo shirt. Behind the man was a little girl with pigtails, polo's daughter probably, and her eyes lit up when she saw Peter behind the bad guy.

"Give me your money!" The guy demanded, and he took a menacing step forward. The polo-man's hands were raised above his head and he too watched carefully as Spidey mimicked the bad-guy's movements behind the guy's back.

Peter noted that the man held the gun in a loose grip, and that his hand shook infinitesimally beneath the gun's weight. He was nervous. Definitely not a hardened criminal then.

But, you know, still holding a gun to a dad and an eight-year-old (she looked eightish. Maybe nine. Ten. Maybe seven, whatever) was super not ok, so…still going down.

Peter poked the guy on the shoulder. "You know, balaclavas are sooo last year." The man spun around, but Peter was already using the man's shoulder as a hand hold, and then he swung up, kicked off the wall above the man's head, and clothes-lined the guy to the ground. "Now I'm not usually a fashion police sort of guy," Peter shrugged and looked down at the groaning man on the ground, "but I'm used to a higher caliber bad-guy. Suits or something. Maybe a solid mask. None of that ski affair, half-price at Dick's or whatever."

The man groaned again, and tried to aim his gun at Peter, but Peter made a tsking noise and shot a web at the gun. "Yoink!" Peter pulled at the web and the gun came flying towards him which he caught effortlessly.

A startled squeak behind him reminded Peter that he wasn't alone, and he turned to see the father-daughter pair hugging each other.

"That's sweet," Peter said and then patted the father's shoulder. Before the either of them could say anything Peter heard a shout from…four blocks over? "Well, tonight is going to be a busy night, I can tell already." He turned towards where he'd heard the sound come from. "Byeee!" he shouted over his shoulder as he webbed away.

"Why is it about Tuesdays that have villains running every which way trying to ruin everyone's night?" Peter asked himself as he soared through the city, slinging webs left and right.

There—was that a bear clinging to a fire escape?

He swung closer.

Yes. Yes it was. And it wasn't any baby bear or koala or anything, this was a full-grown grizzly hanging on to the outside of the fire escape rail for dear life.

"I do not get paid enough for this!"

Peter dropped onto the sidewalk beneath the flailing bear where a group of concerned citizens were watching the bear struggle.

"So…. What's going on here?" he asked in what he hoped was his most authoritative tone.

A woman with short dirty blonde hair wearing scrubs turned to face him. "I'm not sure? He—it—he was hanging there when I got home. Bev called the police" a small wiry Asian woman waved at Peter "but they said to just wait for animal control to arrive."

Peter raised an eyebrow at her. "And this isn't freaking you out? Even a little? I mean, I'm Spiderman and this has even got me thrown."

A man in a green work jacket spoke up. "Well, yeah, this is really weird. But the poor thing's been stuck there for a few hours now—"

"Hours?"

"—and we've all kind of gotten used to him. Feel sorry for the guy of course."

Bev spoke up, "Do you think you could at least get him down? Animal control can take him somewhere nice, but I don't know how they plan on getting him to the ground first."

Peter shrugged. "Uh…I can try."

The first woman smiled, relieved. "Thanks, I—"

Peter held up a hand, "Wait!" he fished a vibrating phone out of a pocket he'd sewn into his suit and saw that it was Wade calling. "I've got to take this," he swiped to answer and then held the phone up to his ear, "Hello?"

"Hello, pookie," Wade said on the other end of the line, "what're you up to?"

Peter looked up at the bear. It was gnashing at the railing with its teeth, and one of its feet slipped off the steel floor. The beast trembled and tried to right itself without falling.

"Oh nothing much. You?"

"Making dinner, boo. Enchiladas, your favorite."

"Your favorite."

"Same difference."

With a small spurt of web, Peter's phone was stuck to his head, leaving his hands free.

"No it's not. Listen, babe, I might be a little late. I'll probably have to wait for the cops to show up for this one." He looked up at the bear again, tried to see what angle the creature would fall at, and began constructing a net beneath the bear with his webs.

"Why, what's up Petey-pie."

Peter sighed. "I'm on the job," he said, a hint of warning in his voice.

"Spidey-poo then."

Peter rolled his eyes and added another layer of webbing. The net was attached to the brick wall of the apartment complex, and one corner was attached to a stop sign and another to a trashcan.

"Honey, I'm currently weaving a web to catch a bear with. And then I'll have to wait for the cops to protect the populace from said possible rampaging bear. Put the Enchiladas on low, they'll keep."

"Ooohh, are you bear-hunting?"

Peter tested the web with his hands, pulling at different threads to make sure they would be strong enough to take the bear's weight.

"Not that kind of catching. I'm not running after some furry beast that could mangle me with one paw tied behind his back."

"Give yourself some credit, my arachnid lover. You're pretty resourceful."

Peter rolled his eyes. "What I mean is that there is a bear above me who might fall, and I'm making a net to catch it before it hits the ground so if it falls I won't have to clean bear guts off the suit. And the ground."

The threads were holding. Test #2, Peter jumped onto the net and hopped up and down. Wheeeee! Bouncy! Maybe he should quit superheroing and go into the trampoline-making business. And yes, they were still holding.

"How did a bear get up wherever it is?"

"No one is really sure."

Peter patted at his phone to make sure it was adhered to his ear well, and then began scaling the wall of the apartment building.

"Can we keep him?"

"Definitely not."

"Awwwwww! But we need a pet, Spidey Babey! Someone to keep me warm at night when you're off doing Spiderman things."

"One, we don't need a pet. We are barely home enough to feed ourselves, never mind feeding an animal, and taking it out, and whatever people do with pets. Two, what do you mean keep you warm at night? Whenever I'm doing Spiderman stuff, you're out too doing Dea—" Peter looked down at the mass of people who were all probably listening to his side of the conversation. "You know, you stuff. And, you are now part of an awesome boy-band, so really, I'm alone more than you are."

Peter reached the bear, and this close he could tell how scared the creature really was. The bear's eyes were wide, his pupils dilated. There was foam dripping out of its mouth, and its head whipped back and forth, trying to look all around itself constantly. Peter reached a hand out slowly, trying not to startle the beast, but the bear swung at him with a free claw, and then proceeded to wobble on the railing from the sudden shifting of its weight.

"All the more reason to keep Teddy—we can name the bear Teddy, right? It would just be a waste if we didn't—around. He'll keep me company when you're gone, and keep you company when I'm gone."

Peter's eyes narrowed, focusing on how to get the bear down safely, which limbs to incapacitate with his webbing that would cause the least amount of damage.

"We are not keeping the bear as a pet. We live in an apartment, W—Babe. That's not enough room to keep a bear."

Peter shot a web at the bear's front paws, webbing them together, and then another web at his back paws, webbing them together.

"I'll buy us a cabin somewhere in the woods. Then Teddy can roam free when neither of us are home."

The bear fell, having lost the ability to hold on to anything, and the crowd below gave a worried gasp, but Peter shot out another web which wrapped around the bear's limbs and caught the creature before it had dropped more than a few feet.

"You aren't buying us a cabin. We are not keeping a bear as a pet. Ok, actually, you can buy us a cabin, because it might be nice to spend some vacation time out in the forest. Nature is pretty cool, or so I hear."

Peter lowered the bear slowly, adding more webbing to the rope to let the bear descend at an even pace.

"A romantic getaway!"

The bear let out a confused growl but didn't fight against the web's hold on his paws.

"Yeah. Maybe in a few years, when New York quiets down a little, and they don't need Spiderman getting underfoot all hours of the day and night."

The bear finally touched the net, and Peter released the web he was holding, letting he bear fall onto the trampoliney web-net.

"Or our honey moon!"

Peter laughed and dropped down into a crouch next to the net where the bear was struggling to get upright. It was having a hard time, since what it was sitting on was constantly moving, and all of its limbs were out of commission.

"Are you proposing?" Peter asked, and it was playfully said, but then there was a pause on the other end of the line. Wade cleared his throat. And then again.

"Actually—"

Peter shot to his feet. "No! No, you are doing this in person. I am coming right home, screw the bear. Wait! I'll be there in a sec! Oh my god!"

Peter quickly twisted his web into a makeshift tent-like cage, trapping the rolling bear in its confines. Then he shot a web at the top of the apartment building and was swinging away.

The last thing he heard before he swung off was the scrubs-lady asking, "But what about the bear? And animal control?"

Peter gave an excited little laugh as he swung, and shouted back, hopefully loud enough to be heard, "The police can handle it, lady! I'm a little busy at the moment, getting engaged!"