BPOV
My radar was absolutely screaming from the second I woke up. I hated when it did this. Too many things to know, crowding each other and fighting to get out first. Throughout the day I'd have things pop into my head, but it was like while I was sleeping they built up, waiting until I was awake to come out. When there was a lot, it felt worse than a wine hangover. I headed to the shower. The hot water always helped me sort it all out.
While I shampooed my hair, the first thing floated to the top of my consciousness. Jasper would be calling. Soon. Okay, not unexpected. I hoped his attitude would be better.
I was working conditioner through my ends by the time the second one surfaced. Charlotte. There was something about her... I'd have to pay attention. I didn't get any negative feelings about it, so I would roll with it.
Rinsing off revealed the big one: time to move again. Well, the timing was shitty but I guessed it'd all work out somehow anyway. I got these little alarms to move from time to time but had never figured out why and had absolutely no intention of ignoring one to find out. I sighed. I'd miss Boston. So many good concerts…
After that the rest of it was just small bits of information. Mostly useless in the grand scheme, but occasionally useful.
My phone rang as I was dressing and I told Jasper to just come in when he got here. I chose some music for packing and got settled into a routine cataloging what I had in the kitchen and carefully packing it away.
About 20 minutes later, in the middle of a 'dance break', I turned around to see Jasper standing in the doorway holding a cup of coffee and a brown bag, looking amused. I just kept on dancing and winked at him. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I laughed.
"Well good morning!" I greeted. "Whatcha got there?" I pointed.
"Good morning. I brought some coffee and breakfast for you. My way of apologizing for being so rude last night," he said somewhat sheepishly.
"Oh, that's all right," I waved it off. "A little apprehension was to be expected for the circumstances. It's already forgotten."
He nodded his acceptance. "Well, it's nice to see some things don't change. You're still entirely too forgiving."
I didn't argue with him. I had my reasons for forgiving him easily, but he was definitely an exception, not a rule. I grabbed another box and started putting it together. "So, what brings you around so soon?" I asked conversationally. I wanted to avoid the topic of me needing to move for now, but the packing couldn't wait.
"Like I said, I wanted to apologize. And I was hoping we might be able to talk more. I know you didn't get to ask us anything last night. I was informed that I acted like an interrogator."
"Don't apologize again. Already forgotten, remember? I would love to talk, but I need to keep working here. Is it alright if we talk while I pack?"
"Sure. Can I ask why you're packing?"
"Later maybe. I think I've earned myself a few questions first."
"That you have," he agreed. I was a little surprised, but relieved it was that easy to steer him away from the subject. "Shoot when ready."
"Let's start at the beginning. I want to know everything that's happened to you since my worst birthday ever." I smiled to let him know it wasn't meant as a dig at him.
He nodded with a small smile and started talking while I resumed packing, stopping here and there to eat the breakfast he brought me or to dance to a particularly good part of a song.
Apparently after my ill-fated party, Edward had insisted I was not safe and demanded the family move, but never shown up when he was supposed to meet the rest of the family. Instead he'd called and said I had requested no contact, ever, even telling Alice not to look for my future. I snorted at that, and he'd paused then, but I waved for him to continue. Edward hadn't been in contact with anybody since then, and nobody knew where he was. Alice insisted he was blocking her by not making decisions - no one really believed her but if she knew she wasn't telling.
I thought this was bullshit. Dear, sweet Eddie boy could never live without his fancy cars and clothes; surely they weren't so dense as to not check his bank records? I bit the question down, not wanting to interrupt Jasper's story.
The rest of the family had moved to Canada, and then to New Hampshire, where they currently lived. They were taking a break from the school routine, busying themselves with personal projects and travel. They'd been sad to lose both Edward and I, but eternal life required a certain resilience to change. They just carried on, for the most part. There was nothing else to do.
"So why aren't you in New Hampshire then? Why did you leave the Cullens?" I asked, taking a sip of coffee.
His face twisted a little. "Alice met her "true" mate." He used finger quotes. He ran a hand through his hair, and it looked like he was searching for the words. "I was - am - there aren't words. She told me we were mates. And then she met him, and it was like I was nothing to her. She had to have known. She told me she had visions of me for nearly thirty years before she found me, so she had to have seen him coming. But she just let me get blindsided. All that time we were together…" he trailed off.
I stayed silent, letting him work through his thoughts.
"Once that happened I started to question everything about her and her fuckin' visions. Why I was even there, living this life on a leash for her. How many times had she 'predicted' shit that would have never happened, just to keep me in line? For sixty fuckin' years, I lived by her visions. I let her lead me around by the fuckin' nose like a pet. I let her dress me like a goddamn Ken doll. Because if she was happy, I was happy. I fuckin' loved her. Or I thought so at the time. Now, I don't know. I mean, I always knew our 'bond' didn't seem to feel as strong, but I'd just chalked it up to our damage, or my gift somehow dimming it as it pertained to me. No two sets of mates ever feel exactly the same. It seemed plausible to me. But this guy's bond with her is even weaker than mine was. True mate, my ass!"
"Anyway, when it all went down, Carlisle and Esme just accepted it, just like they always do when it comes to Edward and Alice. Alice somehow managed to spin the story like I was the bad guy. It was all my fault because I'd tried to take a bit out of you. Funny how that wasn't a fuckin' issue for her in the two years between then and her meetin' this asshole.
"At first, I didn't want to lose them, but it didn't take long before I realized that they were never gonna be on my side. Em and Rose tried to get me to stay, and defended me many times, but eventually I just had to get the fuck out of dodge. I couldn't stand it, seein' her with him, or the way nobody ever called her out on her manipulative bullshit - save Rose. When I went to tell Carlisle I was going to see Pete and Char for a while, he told me to hand in my crest. Like I'd been the one to do something wrong. I was so furious, I threw it so hard it went through the wall. If I could've spit in his face right then, I would've," he seethed.
"I left and haven't looked back. I still talk to Em and Rose sometimes, and we've met up a couple times, but, that's it. Honestly sometimes I get the impression they're just staying with Carlisle and Esme 'cause they ain't never known anything else. Once I got to Pete and Char, it clicked. We formed our own coven, which was easy cause they use my last name anyway. I've been fuckin' off with them for the past four years, mostly down in Texas."
I was glad he'd opened up as much as he had about the whole thing. His pain over Alice's treatment of him was clearly visible. It seemed so raw for him still. I guessed that being with someone for sixty years only to have it end that way would be traumatic for anyone, though.
"That's a long way from Boston," I prompted.
He rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, it is. Peter said he his inner Yoda was tellin' him to go see a Red Sox game, and I had to come. And then when we arrived, fucker had only bought one ticket and told me to park my ass in an alley further down the block. After the game was over, I was about to leave, when he texted me to look up. That's when I saw you."
"I know you said no more apologies, Bella, but allow me to explain fully. Being led around like that by Peter had already irritated me, and then there you were, nothin' like I remembered. I felt blindsided all over again. I had so many questions, and when you started in on the knowin' shit, too...I don't like having shit kept from me, and it felt like some grand fuckin' conspiracy to get me to toe some line I didn't even know about. After Alice...I didn't handle it well, and I apologize."
Hearing what he had been through put him in a new light for me, and I felt a little bad for what I'd done last night. Not that it gave him an excuse to be an asshole, but if our roles were reversed, I might well have reacted the same way. I considered coming clean about everything, but my radar buzzed in. Things were playing out how they should, and if I told him everything now I'd just ruin it.
"For the third, and hopefully final time, Jasper, there's nothing to apologize for. Thank you for explaining it, though. I thought it was probably because you didn't like me much."
"That's not true at all, Bella. Why would you think that?" He asked.
"Well, I had a lot of time to think about it all, you know. You always seemed to get the short end of the stick where it came to me. You were struggling and had to deal with a better-than-average smelling human around. You had to cart my ass to Phoenix and then I gave you the slip. Somehow I doubt Edward let that one go easily; I'm sure he blamed you. And then there was my birthday. They used it as an excuse to get you to leave, and that was definitely my fault.
"How in the world do you figure that was your fault?"
Well, shit. I was usually more careful than this. Just had to run my big, fat mouth. My radar was buzzing...truth time. I sucked in a breath.
"Because," I whispered, "I cut myself on purpose."
His face went stony and he took a long time to respond. "You'd better start at the beginning of this particular story."
"Er. Not to pressure you but, since it's relevant to the discussion we had last night…" I trailed, looking at him questioningly.
"We've all decided we're in. Continue," he demanded, his voice void of all emotions.
I was slightly afraid, but I guessed I really could have expected worse. I did just kindof drop a bomb on him. And then asked for his decision before explaining. I'm such a shithead. I'd told him he couldn't change his mind, but he might want to after this.
I took a breath. "The day of my birthday, I woke up feeling different. I had all this energy, I was excited, and I had no reason to be. You know how I felt about my birthday. I started annoying myself with it. All day, I'd be excited and cheerful and then annoyed about something, but I was too excited to dwell or say mad for long. I had no idea what was happening."
"I figured it was just an off day, teenage hormones maybe. A little exuberance never did anyone any harm, after all. Edward and Alice caught me on an upswing when they asked about the party. I didn't know it was the start of my...awakening, I guess you could call it. I don't know if you heard me talking to Edward that morning, but I had actually accused him of having you manipulate me for the day. He responded by accusing me of being on drugs."
"Drugs? The hell?! He's a fuckin' vampire, he would have smelled it!" Jasper was incredulous. Good. This was good. Incredulous and still affected by the absurd was a much better mood for him to be in than murderous rage.
"Yeah, I know! That's what I said to him!" I laughed, hoping he didn't hear how forced it was. "He did drop it after that, but he was sending me broody and suspicious looks all damn day." I screwed my face up into my best 'pained Edward' impression, and the sides of Jasper's mouth twitched. Reaction to humor. That's good. I started to relax a little.
"So, yeah. By the time of the party I'd been running myself in emotional and mental circles all day. I walked into the house, and I was annoyed, because Alice fucking knew I hated pink, and even if it was more for her than anyone else, the party was for my birthday, dammit!" I stomped my foot for effect. "I decided to do something to get back at her and Edward for annoying the fuck out of me all day. It was just supposed to be something petty to take back some control. I didn't think about the consequences. When the opportunity presented itself, I took it. I knew it would cause a stir and scare the shit out of them, but I'd be fine." I finished.
"Dammit, Bella, there was no way you could have possibly known that!" he growled.
"What does Pete call it? The inner Yoda. I knew," I shrugged. "It was more like an instinct then. Now I know more about the why."
He gave a slight nod that I took as acceptance for my explanation. "Care to share?"
"That bit needs to wait until you figure me out, mister. Sorry. I've always kinda wondered why Alice hadn't seen it, I mean, I made the decision to do something stupid well beforehand. Based on what you said earlier I have to wonder if she did see it and let it happen. I wonder why," I mused.
"That," Jasper said lowly, "is a very good fucking question."
I looked around the kitchen and realized I was done packing. I did a final check of all the cabinets and drawers and declared, "All done in here! Let's continue this in the bedroom, shall we?" I tossed him a saucy wink, and he responded with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. I grinned. The exchange gave me a glimpse of a Jasper I'd very much like to know better.
Jasper followed a few seconds behind me with a freshly constructed box. I took it from him with a grateful smile.
"So what actually happened with Edward when he left? You seemed amused by his version of events," he prompted. I was grateful for the subtle change of subject; it meant he accepted my answer. I knew we weren't finished talking about my birthday yet, but I was glad to have the hardest part over with. We could, would, revisit it later.
I turned to face him, bringing my hand to my face in an exaggerated thoughtful gesture as I looked at the ceiling. "Well, let's see...He brought me into the woods behind my house. He told me I was no good for him, a distraction, and that he didn't want me. He said my inferior human mind was a sieve and I would soon forget all about him and move on with my human life. Then he took off running and left Charlie to handle the aftermath like the little bitch he is," I listed off.
"Oh! Almost forgot! He said it would be like you all never existed, and to facilitate that claim he stole all my photos and the gifts I'd just gotten; anything that was proof of the Cullens' existence. Apparently his mission was to make me think vampires were a hallucination. I imagine if he could have taken the scar on my arm, he would've done. I guess me questioning my own sanity was supposed to help me move on," I threw in sarcastically.
I took a look at Jasper's face then, and laughed. "I seem to keep shocking you."
"I should be better prepared for it by now. You're full of surprises, clearly. But that...that's just fucking unbelievable!" He shook his head in disbelief. "What a little shit! That absolute ball-less fuckin' coward…"
I nodded and hummed my agreement. "Worse - he never even took the shit. I found it all under a loose floorboard in my room when I moved out."
Realization dawned on his face. "How did you recover from all of that? We all left. We didn't even say goodbye, and then Edward told us not to contact you. That kind of abandonment...that's why you were so afraid last night…" I internally cringed. I should have guessed he'd piece it together quickly. Fuckin' empaths.
"Hey now, don't go figuring me out so quickly!" I deflected. "A girl's gotta keep some mystery intact, you know."
He gave me a knowing look, and I couldn't help but cave. How was he so good at pulling shit out of me that I did not want to tell him?
"Alright. Fine. It wasn't easy. It took a while. But I also had other things going on to help distract me. My birthday was just the beginning of the changes in me."
"Given what I know now, and looking back on things...with how I changed, I would not have stayed in love with Edward. The love I'd felt for him was fading quickly just in the three days between the party and when he actually left. It was like a veil lifted and here was this guy who kept saying he loved me, but he didn't know me - not really - and he didn't want to. He saw what he wanted to see and he tried to control and erase the parts he didn't find suitable. When he broke up with me it was almost a relief, because I don't think he would have ever let me go if it wasn't his decision.
"But I won't bullshit you, Jasper, when you all left, I was absolutely devastated." His features washed with sympathy, and he nodded for me to continue.
I sighed. "It hurt. I loved you all and you left without so much as a goodbye. You all..it was the first place I felt like maybe I could belong - I think on some level I always knew I wasn't really human. When you left, you took that from me in the cruellest way. Between the way Edward ended things and how Rose had always acted and your struggling, I came to the conclusion that I was less than good enough for all of you, or at least that you all thought that was the case. It took a real shitty few months to start to move past the rejection, especially since I had all these new emotions that I didn't know how to handle yet. There was a bit of a war for a while in me, between what I felt and what I thought I should feel based on what I'd felt before.
"You asked me how I recovered; I don't think I fully have. I don't know if I ever will, even though I know now that I could never have belonged with the Cullens. If I didn't know that...it would have been very bad, I think.
"I don't mean to be dramatic. I'm not trying to make you feel bad either. I don't pine and I don't spend a lot of time even thinking about it, but there's baggage now where there was none before. Little triggers that bring that shit back up. It sucks and I'm working on it." I finished.
I hated talking about this, but it was necessary. There was a prodding feeling in my brain that told me that I'd need to face the Cullens sometime, maybe soon. I didn't need it, but it would be nice to have backup when that happened. I really hoped he would let this subject drop, though. It just wasn't something I liked thinking about.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," was all he said.
"Don't be. With the information you were given you did the best you could at the time and shit all worked out anyway," I shrugged. "It always does."
"Maybe," he said noncommittally. I shot him a questioning look, but he just shook his head, his expression unfathomable.
We were quiet for a while, then. Jasper watched me pack and provided a steady stream of constructed boxes. Eventually, he asked, so softly I almost didn't hear him, "Is that why you're packing, Bella? Are you running?"
"Are you kidding?" I scoffed before I realized he was serious. His eyes were on his boots and he was frowning. I turned to face him fully, hands on my hips.
"Jasper, no. Look at me." I waited until his eyes met mine.
"I'm really glad to see you again. I want to know you better and I want to get to know Peter and timing of this is so shitty, and I hate it, but my radar is telling me to get the fuck outta here. I can't ignore that. I know that if I do, it'll be disastrous, even with you three here."
"Your radar seems a lot like Peter's inner Yoda," he observed.
"That's because it is," I said simply.
His brow furrowed, and then he closed his eyes and shook his head. "If I asked you how that was possible, would you answer me?"
I smiled. He was picking up the game. "No. But I can tell you that there is a reason. And since I'm feeling charitable, I'll tell you that that's not really a clue. File it under 'Shit Bella will explain willingly'. Maybe if the list grows long enough, you'll have more incentive to figure it out sooner," I teased.
"Ah, yes, very generous of you to eliminate a possible red herring on our quest," he mocked. "I don't suppose there's any chance of getting a real hint, is there?"
I laughed. "Nice try. I can't just hand it to you on a platter, you know. Be observant, you'll figure it out. I'm not exactly trying to cover anything up, here."
His face fell a little then. The hell?
"Looks as if I won't get the chance," he said, eyeing the boxes.
Oh. This was...no. I felt my temper flare and made no attempt to tamp it down. I wasn't having this. First he's pissy and rude and now he's acting all unsure of himself. We're gonna straighten this shit out right the fuck now.
I spun around, "Look here, mister," I began, and his eyes snapped back to me, wide. "This passive-aggressive insecure bullshit will not fly with me. You don't want me to go? Then fucking say so, so we can discuss things like goddamn adults. Don't beat around the bush with comments designed to make me feel fucking guilty. I've been manipulated enough in my lifetime, and I sure as shit don't need it from you - you, who should fucking know better, because you know what that feels like."
His eyes widened more and his mouth hung open. "You'd better close that mouth of yours and listen up, 'cause I'm not done yet," I walked toward him until my finger made its way to the center of his chest and I stared up at him. I started to vibrate, but I ignored it. I wasn't hiding anything, after all.
"Did you actually hear a fuckin' thing I said last night? Is your vampire brain defective? Hearing, perhaps? Let me spell it out for you. You made the choice. I told you what the consequences were. You said you accepted it.
"We. Are. Bound. I don't know the entirety of what that means yet, but I do know it's important and it's fucking permanent. Forever, did you not fucking hear me say that word? You aren't getting rid of me that easily. Did you honestly assume I would lay this on you and then bail? What the fuck, Jasper?
"I know, Alice did a number on you. Edward did a number on me, too. I get it, I do. But this? It's like when Alice had you parading around in those godawful polo shirts. It doesn't look good on you; it doesn't fucking fit. This is her, in your head, pulling the strings telling you that you're not good enough, and it's bullshit. It's letting her fucking keep control over you. It's letting her fucking win. And she shouldn't get to win, Jasper. They don't deserve to win. They have taken enough from us. Do you understand?"
By the time I was finished with my rant, I was at eye level with him and staring hard into his eyes to make sure he got my message. I knew there was more depth to his issues than just Alice, but that was the information I had to go on at the moment, so I went with it. I hoped it'd be enough. Whining, passive-aggressive bullshit, and people trying to control me because they couldn't control themselves were things I had fucking had enough of. If he was going to be sticking around me, he needed to understand that.
"And yeah, I'm fucking floating. There's your goddamn clue." I spat.
A/N: I really want to thank everyone who's taken the time to read this. Hopefully you've enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed fleshing it out so far.
I still have a couple more chapters in reserve, but after this I'll be posting less frequently - I'm going to try hard to make sure it's at least once a week.
Some of you have figured out what Bella is already, but for those who haven't - you'll find out real soon. :)