He wasn't a complex guy. He had always liked things simple, constant, unchanged. That had been shot to hell the day she had come flying into the diner, hips shaking, lips moving a mile a minute, and a light in her eyes so strong he was almost blinded.
There was many a time he wondered if he had ever stood a chance. A chance at not falling for her, a chance at being with her, or even a chance to be the one, who just once put that gleam in her eyes.
He was a mess. He had long ago given up on the idea of her seeing him. He didn't ask for a lot, but figured that after 5 years of friendship, if he couldn't ignite just one spark in her, that he didn't have what it took to make her happy. And that was all he wanted for her, happiness.
He watched her. He knew her. She could put on a smile and most men would be blinded, ready to fall at her feet, while the women around her prayed to have one ounce of what she had. But it was all an act. She was shy, and insecure. Probably a fault of feeling not loved by the ones who should love you unconditionally. And he did. He loved her unconditionally, and that's what made it easy for him to make the decision to let go. He wanted her to be happy, and he would always have her in his life, that was made clear to him every night in the diner, when she would come after close and watch him finish off his day, while she finished off her last cup of coffee.
He had thought it was easy, until he met Nicole. They shared something. He wasn't sure what it was but there was something there. He saw it in her eyes occasionally, a look that mirrored one of his own. It made him feel close to her, like they shared a special secret.
He had asked her out. Not one to be forward, he had always been the one pursued. Most would find this shocking, but he was too proud to face rejection. It hadn't been till tonight that he started to wonder if he was really too proud, or if he was just a coward?
Nicole was calm and controlled and still. She was everything Lorelai was not. She didn't have to be the center of a room, or fill the occasional silence with dribble. When she was in a bad mood she was straightforward, apologizing ahead of time knowing she would offend him, and asking for space to avoid any such confrontation. He had never questioned it, seeing it as something he would do, and appreciating how similar they were.
Things had been good in the relationship so far. He had never questioned himself seeing if he thought it was going anywhere, but just taking it day by day.
When she had asked him to go on the cruise he was doubtful. He had never left his business for more than a weekend at a time, and a 2-week cruise seemed to be the antithesis of who he was.
He had noticed the subtle changes she had tried to make in him. Buying him a razor to keep at her house, and filling her closet with fancy clothes for him, just in case he needed them.
He found those at first to be trivial. She had an important job and she had to appear a certain way. He understood that. At home she would lounge around in her sweats and occasionally his t-shirts. He found it refreshing. It had been a long time since he had a woman wear his clothes, in a post-coital state of bliss.
He worried sometimes. He knew he was not something she could show off, not that he wanted this. But part of his ego wanted, needed, to feel like she actually wanted him, the real him. It left him frustrated sometimes; in the middle of their evening activities she was too quiet and too controlled. Her little sounds made him feel he couldn't satisfy her, but the way her body clung to him told another story, almost as if she needed this, him, to survive.
So after a veiled conversation with Lorelai, resulting in yet another unintentional rejection by her, he had decided to go.
The trip had been amazing. Was it the time away from everything he knew, or actually the time away to be with her? When day after day they grew closer, he decided he could make this work. That there was something there that could grow over time.
Though a drunken mistake, the proposal made sense to him. It was a way to fully commit to her, and to his choices he made. When it was just the two of them things were good, and calm and seemed right. He could learn to shut out the world and focus solely on her. It didn't mean that he had to shut down his friendship with Lorelai, but he deserved happiness as well, right?
He was almost at her, soon to be their, penthouse. He couldn't remember the drive. He wondered if it was the alcohol, if he was maybe too impaired to be driving, but knew without a shadow of a doubt that the two and a half beer had done nothing to him, besides the reality of the night could sober a liver bathed in alcohol any time.
What was he doing? He still had yet to figure out what to do, what he wanted. He finally had what he thought he wanted. A woman who he could quietly coexist with, who took him for what he was. But did she?
The little things never seemed to add up. When Lorelai had bought him clothes he felt she was trying to give him options, but when Nicole did it, he felt as if he was being suffocated, that his sense of self was being taken from him, being replaced with a person Nicole saw.
Lorelai saw him. She understood and loved him. He knew she loved him. That had never come to question. They shared a deep love, bound by friendship. His love for her had always been stronger though; happy to accept whatever level she could give him. She cared for him, and put his needs above her own. Not many people would agree to that, but Luke knew how selfless Lorelai was. He knew Rory came first, followed by him and Sookie, the inn and her friends, followed by her parents and herself. Most would think her selfish, but he knew the truth.
The love he shared with Nicole was different. It was almost a consolation prize, a need to fill a void. But could he take that away from her, away from himself? Lorelai had said she realized in Europe her feelings, but what if this was just a way to keep him, for fear that she would lose him. Could he trust that? Could he take the chance only to find that Lorelai was too scared to truly see him?
He was pulled from his thoughts as he pulled up in front of the townhouse. He hated this. He hated everything about it. He hated going in and ruining her party, hated going in with all these questions he didn't know how to answer, and hated himself for seeing the two dreams of his life needing to be chosen between. Should he make a quiet, comfortable and safe life for himself, or should he jump head first into a world devoid of control but exponentially higher in love?
Unlocking the door he entered quietly. He didn't know if the girls had taken Nicole out, or if they were all passed out from a night of, well, whatever the hell girls do when they get together.
Toeing off his boots, he inhaled deeply, knowing that they needed to talk, but not knowing what he was going to say. Walking quietly he approached the bedroom, and noticed the door open half way.
He heard Nicole. A breathy sigh escaped her lips, one he had never been able to produce and his shoulders tensed and his breathing became strained.
He couldn't look away; it was like a train wreck. Knowing better than to look, you couldn't restrain yourself from viewing the horrors.
He watched as her naked body rose and fell. A figure under the blankets brought her pleasure he had never been able to bring her. Her throaty moans were over taking her and her body arched. His hand gripped tightly to the crown moulding surrounding the door, and he opened his mouth to say something but closed it again quickly when he saw the blankets moving.
He observed as the body, still covered by the blanket, moved up her body. He could hear the sound of the intruder's lips making contact with Nicole's skin and watched as Nicole moaned and begged for more.
His gaze rested on Nicole, whose body continued to rise and fall, from the passionate touch of her lover. Her hands running over her breasts, grazing her lips on their trip up into her hair, followed by hands which gripped steadily to the headboard.
His heart dropped as he knew that he was never what Nicole wanted or needed. He couldn't blame her; it wasn't like she was number one in his big book of fantasies either.
He was about to turn and leave when he heard the voice. It had not been what he was expecting and he could do nothing but stand immobile in his place.
"Please," it whispered so gently.
He watched as the blanket fell back, two bodies coming together, lips connected, hands caressed, breast-to-breast. Nicole purred as her lover's mouth made its way down her body, and encircled her nipple, sucking the pink bud into her mouth.
Nicole gasped and opened her eyes at the sensation. A look of pure pleasure was quickly followed by a look of terror as she heard the sound before she saw the look.
Luke who could not take any more had finally snapped. Without meaning to, his anger over took him and he snapped the piece of crown moulding off the wall into his tightly clenched hand.
"Luke," Nicole chocked out. "Let me explain," she cried out as she wrapped the blanket around her naked body running quickly out of the room after him.
Luke who had left the room was now pacing in the entryway a look of pure despair in his features, hand still gripped on the piece of crown moulding, like it was the only thing keeping him together.
"Luke, please".
She was cut off by the look she saw in his eyes. He looked so despondent.
"Don't," he said calmly.
She opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water, desperate for safety. She wrapped her arms around herself as she tried to reign herself in, the mixture of her guilty feeling, and the look on his face had her feeling the lowest she had ever felt.
She approached him slowly, running a soothing hand over his until he slowly unclasped his fist. Taking the piece of wood from his hand, she tossed it gently to the side of the room, and stood in front of him, waiting.
She waited patiently, minutes felt like hours and finally she couldn't take it anymore. Reaching out she gently ran her fingers over his arm. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"How long?" he questioned.
"She's my best friend Luke. I never expected this to happen."
His gaze wavered and he was hit with the flashback of meeting Jen the other night. She was introduced as the best friend from college who lived on the west coast. He had taken her appearance in. She was similar to Nicole, dressed to the nines, but with a casual appeal. She was relaxed and easy to talk to, with a penchant for crazy stories and outlandish college pranks. He couldn't help but catch the looks they had shared all night, like they shared a secret to big for the world around them.
He was snapped from his thoughts as Nicole pulled him to the couch; sitting him in front of her she sat on the coffee table and closed her eyes.
"We met in university. She was my roommate first year, and we continued to live together after that. We were so close, closer than anyone I had ever known. We liked the same things, and could talk easily about everything and anything. We would do anything for each other.
She took me home to her parent's house for Christmas second year when my family had gone to Europe. Her parents were amazing, just like her. They welcomed me with open arms and made me feel I was part of the family.
On New Years Eve, we went to a bar in her hometown and got wasted. At midnight we kissed, just a friendly peck, but it was emblazed in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about her.
There was no trace of anything between us after that. I started to wonder if I had imagined the whole thing. Then, I woke up on Valentine's Day, to a note saying to meet her back at the apartment at 5, that we would have supper together. She had left a rose with the note, sitting on my bedside table.
It was all I could think about all day. I couldn't read her, I didn't know if it was a friendly dinner, or if maybe she felt the same way I did.
I couldn't take the chance at not knowing, so I cut class and ran to the mall. I bought a dress and had my hair done. I just wanted to look as beautiful as she made me feel.
When I got back to the house I was so glad I had done that. She looked amazing. The floor was covered in rose petals, and she stood in the doorway, wine glasses in hand.
She kissed me that night, and it was a feeling I never thought I would get to experience." At this, she stopped talking and ran her fingers over her lips, lost in the memory. She looked at Luke, and found him starting at his hands, which he had folded in his lap. His eyes turned up to her in silent invitation for her to continue.
"We were together for almost three years after that. Her family continued to treat me as one of their own, but not mine.
At our graduation, my parents took me aside and gave me the ultimatum. I could leave her and move home to Connecticut, where they would pay for me to get my law degree, or I could stay with her and be cut off and have nothing.
I was 23 years old, Luke, I was left with the choice of being cut off and disowned, or to lose the one thing I loved most. I didn't know what to do.
I choose Jen. We stayed together for about another 3 months, but there was too much strain on our relationship. With no money I couldn't support myself and I was constantly relying on her. Not only that but I was depressed and I blamed her for turning my parents against me. It was so stupid and I regretted it everyday. But when the final strain on our relationship was obvious I left."
She was crying then, silent tears were creating a river down her cheeks. She brushed them aside and looked up at Luke. His head was still down, hands in his lap. He never looked up but she knew he was listening.
"I called my dad, and I begged him to take me back. How it had all been some stupid college experiment and how I wanted to come home, finish school and find a nice guy to marry.
He bought it. He listened to my tears over the phone, and heard my sobs as my regret for what I had left, not about what I was about to leave. He told me a plane ticket would be in my name at the airport and I packed my stuff and I left.
I didn't even leave a note," she sobbed, letting her head fall into her hands.
Looking up, Luke was shocked by the scene in front of him. Nicole, one of the strongest women he had met was a mess. Before he could fully process what he had been told, he caught sight of Jen, standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her cheeks.
He watched as she walked over, and climbed beside Nicole on the coffee table and held her, whispering soothing words in her ear.
She looked up at Luke, and mouthed 'I'm sorry', before turning back to Nicole.
"I'm gonna go," she whispered to Nicole, gently running her fingers through her hair.
Nicole's sobbing grew heavier, and Luke stood. Nicole's eyes flew open and she grabbed at him, reeling from the emotions of the moment.
"Don't go," he said, looking at Jen. "Just give us 10 minutes, okay?"
Jen stood up, Nicole's hand still clutched to hers.
"It's okay, I'll be in the kitchen," as she slowly released herself from Nicole's grasp.
Luke took a deep breath, and watched as Jen left the room.
"Luke," Nicole whimpered out pitifully.
He pulled her up to him, wrapping her in his arms. She clung tightly, knowing exactly what was to come.
"God Nicole, what have we done?" he questioned gently.
She pulled herself closer to him. Everything was falling apart. She couldn't go through this again.
He stroked her back lightly, keeping her body tightly to his. Her sobbing slowed, leaving her quivering against him, body still pressed tightly to him.
"You know," he started out quietly. "There was something about you that drew me in. It took me a long time to figure it out, but it made me feel at piece with my decision. It took me awhile to figure it out, but that thing that brought me comfort was the look in your eyes. I recognized it as the look I saw every morning when I looked in the mirror. Face it, we both were resigned to the fact that we could never have what we wanted, our best friend."
She whimpered and pulled herself to him more. "I'm sorry," she cried out.
"Don't be sorry Nicole. You can't help what your heart wants, or when you stop being to blind, or guarded to see it."
"I shouldn't have," she interrupted him with a hiccup.
"Nicole, stop. Stop beating yourself up for this. You may have taken it a step further, but I'm not innocent in this either. I came to end it tonight. I couldn't marry you knowing I'm in love with someone else."
He pulls her back from him, her hands still gripped tightly to him. He wanted to hate her, or at least have some strong negative feeling for what she had done, but he couldn't. He knew that he was unfaithful in the relationship. He had kissed Lorelai, and if that hadn't have happened, he was still unfaithful in his heart. He would always put Lorelai first, a position he should not have deigned fit for anyone, especially his soon to be wife.
"I'm gonna go now Nicole." She pulled herself tighter to him, and he gently put his hands on her shoulders and pushed himself away. Still holding her like that, he continued.
"Luke," she said staring deeply into his eyes. "I really did think I could love you some day."
"Yeah, me to," he whispered back, meeting her in a gentle hug.
"I'll take care of cancelling all the wedding stuff," she sighed softly.
He sighed deeply. The wedding. Though he knew the relationship was over, he had forgotten all about the wedding. God, he continued to think, was I just walking around in a complete fog since that cruise?
He was torn from his thoughts as she pulled herself away from him, and wiped her eyes.
"Nicole," he breathed out, almost in aggravation.
"No Luke. I got us to this point so please just let me take care of it. Please," she beseeched him.
"Okay," he conceded, as he headed for the door.
"Nicole, I really do only want the best for you, you know that right?" he said, hand firmly on the doorknob.
"I know, I feel the same way too Luke."
As he was about to close the door, he heard Nicole quietly speak to him. Closing the door behind him, he leaned back against it, and sighed deeply. "Goodbye to you too Nicole," he said to the quiet night.
He didn't know how he got there, or how long his mind had wandered as he blindly made his way from Nicole's back to Stars Hollow. But there he stood pounding on Lorelai's door, begging to be let in.
There was no sound from inside, but he knew she was in there, feeling as broken as he did. Giving up on courtesies, he tried the doorknob and found it open. Walking in, he breathed a sigh of relief. The house gave him a sense of purpose, it had always made him feel comfortable and at home, even more so than the office he had used as a home for more than 10 years.
As he made his way in, he knew how bad things were, he didn't even need to see Lorelai. The remains of the night littered the living room. An overturned carton of Ben and Jerry's, a coffee table covered in used Kleenex, and to top it off a pair of sewing scissors laid open on the table, surrounded by torn material, of what he could only believe to be her outfit of choice from tonight.
Running his hand over his stubble, he slowly made his way up stairs.
Her door was cracked open, just enough to show her. He could tell she was pretending to be asleep, having heard him enter, but it was no use. Her body was shaking like a leaf, and as if she had been trembling the entire night. She lay curled in a ball, back to the door, wrapped tightly in the afghan from downstairs. He could see her skin peeking through the afghan, which was covering her naked body. The realization of this, coupled with the torn clothes from downstairs led him to visualize the demise of her night.
"Lorelai," he spoke gently. He wasn't too surprised by the sound of his voice. It sounded as broken as he felt, and as broken as she looked.
Receiving no response, he toed off his boots and approached the bed, climbing slowly in behind her and wrapping his body around hers.
She tried to pull away at first, but quickly learned this was not an option he would allow. She relaxed in defeat, then pushed hard into his body, into the safety of his arms, before letting out a hiccupped sob.
After what felt like hours, she turned her body, facing him, as his arms still encircled her. She looked in his eyes, and saw the same misery there, that she felt swimming behind her own blue orbs.
She watched as he reached out and caressed her face gently, reeling at the sight of his flinch as his hand touched her skin. She tried to back away, hating that he still didn't want her, couldn't even stand to touch her.
He pulled her closer then, not letting her back away as she was trying.
"It's not what you think Lorelai," he whispered gently, seeing the look of sorrow in her eyes. "It's not that I don't want to touch you, I hurt my hand tonight," he said as he soothingly ran his fingers over her spine, trying to ease the worry that had come from that one simple touch gone wrong.
She looked him in his eyes, her emotions stirred by the colour and depth she saw lying vulnerably in his eyes. Slowly she moved and took his hand between hers, bringing it closer to her eyes, her sight aided only by the small bit of moonlight filtering in from her window.
"Oh my God Luke," she cried out, "what happened?"
She looked carefully at his hand, and even with the bit of light, was able to see the cuts and splinters in his hand.
"Let me go," she said hurriedly, as she dropped his hand and tried to back up from him.
He looked devastated, not holding her tighter, but wanting to. He didn't move, instead looking at her dejectedly.
"Luke, I need to clean this, I'm coming right back, I promise," she whispered, lightly caressing his face.
He eased up, and watched as she climbed off the bed and entered the bathroom, the door closing partially behind her. He heard the rustling coming from the bathroom and assumed she was digging endlessly through her cupboards for supplies. He closed his eyes, and leaned back, thinking back over the events of the night.
He was startled from his thoughts as the bedroom light turned on and she walked towards him in a pair of tiny shorts and a baggy shirt. In her hands were a myriad of supplies from her bathroom.
"Sit up," she instructed.
He did as he was told and she sat behind him, back resting up against the headboard. He leaned back, his back to her front, as he was situated, the same way as her, seated between her legs on the bed. She dumped the supplies on the bed beside them and handed him a large mirror.
"Hold this," she instructed.
Taking the mirror he held it with his good hand as she wrapped her arms around him, situating herself so that he was holding the mirror over his damaged hand, so that she could see the splinters through the mirror.
No words were spoken. It was quiet for far too long, and Luke was becoming lost in his thoughts. The whole night had been like a bad dream. It felt like he had lost everything. He had lost Nicole, his soon to be wife, and he had treated his best friend so badly, that he would not be surprised if she didn't return to the diner.
He watched her hands work, pulling out the splinters carefully, and depositing the piece of wood on a Kleenex on the bed beside her. He knew she cared enough to take care of him in that second, but would she ever be able to forgive him for the bullshit he had been slinging at her all night?
"There," she said, gently pressing a gauze bandage to his hand. "All better," she remarked as she leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his wrist. She held her head there, and he felt tears trickle down her arm. Pulling her arms tightly around him, he felt the soft hug envelop him.
"What happened?" she whispered.
He moved from her body, laying himself on the bed, and pat the bed beside him. Slowly she moved, sliding down carefully, fitting herself into his arm, and rested her head in the crook of his neck.
"It's over," he whispered, running his hand up and down her side.
"Are you alright?" she questioned.
He knew she meant emotionally, but by the way that she was caressing the area around his wounded palm, he knew she meant physically as well.
"I will be," he reassured her, looking up into her eyes, a tone of resolution in his voice.
"Did I ruin it?" she questioned.
He could tell it was a loaded question. Did she ruin his relationship with Nicole, his happiness, their friendship?
"Never," he responded, looking directly in her eyes.
That one word answer was enough for Lorelai, for now. She knew the man laying next to her well enough to know he needed time to process what had happened.
She curled closer to him, burying her face in his neck, her hair fanning out around his shoulder.
"Hey," he whispered so quietly.
She looked at him but choose not to answer. She wanted to give him the time needed to say what he was feeling.
After a minute he continued.
"I want to be with you Lorelai, always have, always will. I need to tell you what I've kept inside all these years, these last couple of days. Neither of us is good with communication, but we need to be honest, put it out there, because if I lost you I don't know what I would do."
"So, we," she trailed off as she looked in his eyes, trailing her fingers along his stubble.
"We take it slow," he said, cheek pressing firmly into her fingers.
Trailing her fingers along, she gently guided his mouth to hers.
The kiss was so easy, not a word that Lorelai would normally think to describe a perfect kiss, but that's what it was. Perfect. It felt like coming home, safety and longing clashing and battling it out, no winner declared, as it didn't matter. A happy meeting of many emotions culminating in everything she had ever wanted.
The kiss was passionate, no tongues needed. It was the perfect combination of lips, and softness, want and need.
Trailing her fingers down, she slowly broke away from him. An effortless smile appearing on her lips, as she spoke directly from her heart.
"We take it slow," she repeated, turning towards the lamp and turning it off.
He felt as if she had trailed off, leaving him to ponder the meaning of the rest of her sentence, but it didn't matter, he knew he had the time to hear it, no matter when she was ready to tell him. She settled back into him, head resting in the crook of his neck, arm and leg thrown lazily over his body, his arm holding her there tightly.
She felt his breath turn slumberous, and she closed her eyes waiting for sleep to over take her. He may not be ready to say it, but she was. She gently caressed his face as he slept, and whispered the words she could only dream of saying to him.
"You're my forever."
With that she buried herself deeper into his body, abandoning all hope of sleep as her giddy thoughts over took her. Thoughts of first dates, first dances, first time waking up together. She smiled to herself and waited for sleep to over take her. As she was almost asleep she heard him mumble gently as he pulled her in tighter.
"Always you."
All right so that was it. I am planning an epilogue if anyone is interested just leave some reviews of things you would like or not like and I'll keep it in consideration. It probably wont see the light of day until after Christmas as I would like to repost beta'd versions of the first chapters first. I hope you enjoyed the story and tell me what you want from an epilogue or if I should just leave it as is.