This chapter is from the POV of Amell
The horse is jostling me horribly until I get myself under control enough to move with it as it canters.
I duck my head and cannot breathe as my heart contracts. Am I being cruel to Alistair? Sweet Andraste, forgive me, but I cannot bring myself to see this from his side. It, oh Maker, it hurts. I want him to feel the pain he's caused me. I want him to regret what he's done forever. I want him to miss me forever.
But I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to be in pain.
This makes no sense. How can I feel both? How can anyone feel this much without going mad? Maybe that's what is happening.
I bark out a laugh. A mage going mad and no big strong Templar to defend the poor masses. Too bad Alistair is not-
My heart contracts and squeezes. What manner of illness is this? I can't breathe. I can't breathe through this pain. My head bows until my forehead is resting against the horse's mane. I feel tears coursing down my cheeks. I don't remember when I started crying.
Had I ever stopped?
My hands shake and I am barely hanging onto the reins. They will slip soon if I don't catch them.
How do I live through this? What on earth am I supposed to do with my life now? I couldn't breathe before, but now I can't slow my breathing down. I can't...
The edge of my vision is darkening, my hands are almost completely numb.
I should stop the horse before I fall, before something-
The world is gray and blurred around me. Everything is unfamiliar but I know this place. Why do I know it?
"Amell," I hear a familiar voice whisper reverently.
Turning quickly, I see Alistair. My heart contracts. Why is there pain?
He rushes to embrace me and I relax into him. This feels right. This is where I belong, this is where-
Wait. There's some reason I cannot be here where it feels right. Why? Shouldn't I be here? Why would I not be able to be here?
Scowling, I put my hands on his chest and push.
"Stop," I command, "something is, I don't know, it is 'off' here. Something is ...unreal."
I hear him chuckle. "Unreal? Amell, what are you talking about? We are just where we're meant to be."
I look around but the world is still too blurry. I can't make it out.
"Where would that be?" I ask hesitantly. Shouldn't I know the answer to that?
"Can't you see tell?" Alistair questions, his gaze strangely intent on my face, as if he's trying to read something there.
"I see...oh! We're at the Wardens keep. But, Alistair, why are we here? Should we be...wait, aren't you meant to be somewhere else?" I ask hesitantly.
"Amell," he says sternly, "I am only meant to be with you. No matter what, no matter the sacrifice, we will be together forever."
He steps forward, taking my face in his hands. Smiling slightly, he lowers his head to brush his lips against mine. When I do not pull away, he deepens the kiss and I find myself eagerly returning it. My heart flutters and I struggle to hold onto why it is bad that he is attempting to gently kiss away my worries. This is where I belong, isn't it? It feels so good, why is it bothering me?
My eyes are closed and heart still pounding when he pulls away, my face still cradled gently in his hands. I feel hazy and so content that I almost miss his next words.
"You see my love?" He coaxes. "You only have to want it. You only have to Let Me In."
My eyes snap open to his face, alarm ringing through my mind. There is something I need to remember: something about Alistair.
"And where do you see this going, Alistair?" I ask, my eyes narrowing. This question is important and... painful.
Whispering gently he says, "I see us together forever, love. Until the day we both take our last breath and beyond. No matter what, we will stay together."
My heart clenches and I push away from him.
Those are the words I wanted to hear him say the night I'd questioned him about our relationship in camp so long ago.
But his answer is too perfect. That's not what Alistair would say. Alistair had always been uncertain when I'd tried to pin him down on our future. Alistair had squirmed and been unable to look in my eyes and ended our conversation as soon as possible.
Which means that none of this is right, that None Of This Is Real. That means this is the Fade.
I lift my hands slowly, gently placing them upon the face of not-Alistair. I steel myself for what I must do next to this thing wearing his face and I pull magic from the very air around me.
"I have always wanted to hear you say that to me," I whimper, my voice breaking.
I close my eyes briefly to block out the sorrow I feel crash over me. I have lost him again; I have been made to feel this loss all over again for no decent reason at all. I open my eyes and glare straight into those black empty eyes. How had I not noticed they were not amber?
"And that is why I will kill you," I seethe
Lightening rips through my hands and into the eyes of the fiend in front of me. I feel it course back into me as well, having not let go. I take no care of the the pain rebounding into my body. It is a relief, of sorts. If I am plagued by the 'physical' pain of this, I can block out the incessant bleeding of my heart.
The demon screams in agony and I dig my hands harder onto its face, the both of us dropping to our knees. I refuse to let go, I will have this creature feel everything I can muster until one of us is dead and gone.
"How?" it howls, "How can you watch the one who wears your love's face in this agony? I will make you watch! I will make you watch him die!"
My fury at its words fuels a tempest, lightening now crackling everything in sight, making us both cry out in pain.
"And I will delight in knowing you die instead!" I scream. "I will send an example to every piece of refuse in this realm that if you dare try this on me, I will see you all die in the worse agony possible!"
Finally, mercifully, Alistair's visage fades from its face and it becomes the horned, mostly naked thing that it actually is. I finally let go of its face and it falls back to stare sightlessly up at the sky.
I'm nearing the end of my energy but somehow find the mana to call forth fire to burn the fiend to a pile of black dust. I glare at the desire demon I'd almost fallen prey to.
"If this were not the Fade, I would piss on your ashes," I whisper venomously.
It's the last thing I recall as everything, once again, goes black.
"...passed out...calling my Templar...Abomination?"
"Amell? Not a chance...and Cullen...'lightening storm' in his 'mind.' Rather intriguing."
"...A blighted shame...finest man we had...considered him for my replacement, you know."
"Gentlemen," a stern, familiar voice chides, "I have more work to do here and an exhausted patient who you are, apparently, keen on waking before she has recovered. I will have to ask you to leave." This voice is welcome and protective.
I hear the sound of a door opening & closing. My brows draw together as I see blue light through my eyelids. I turn my head, trying to get away from the brightness.
"Sleep, child," the voice soothes, "It took me quite some time to catch up with you. What were you thinking, running off in the state you were in? It's a wonder you didn't not set the world on fire while in the Fade. Poor Cullen: 'lightening storms' indeed. I think every mage in the tower felt what you did."
The voice continues, "You know better than to exhaust yourself when your emotions are in such a state. You shall have quite the talking to when you're rested. Until then, however, I insist that you rest here. You shall be safe and so shall the rest of Thedas while you sort yourself out."
There were several moments of silence. I tried to make sense of all the voice had said. Tower? Fade? Lightening storms? Cullen?
"Cullen!" I gasp, my eyes flying open as I sit up quickly. Oh, it hurts!
Everything is bright and I ache everywhere. I feel as if I've gone through the Joining again, but without the time to sleep off its affects.
I squint, looking around quickly. Where am I? What's going on?
I see a familiar gray haired figure scowling at me.
"...Wynne? Wynne, what's going on? You said a lightening storm? Did I hurt anyone? You said Cullen...?" I blurt out. I'm so confused, what in all of Thedas had drawn that horse to the Tower of all places?
"You lie down right now or I will knock you out." She scolds.
Wincing, I lay back down slowly and gingerly, trying not to jostle myself.
"Oh, please, please, not so loud. It hurts," I hear myself whine.
"It would not if you would listen to your healer and rest until you are better," she scowls.
I take several breaths to get the pain under control. I never knew you could be this sore everywhere.
"I heard something about a lightening storm and Cullen. Wynne, did I hurt someone? Please..." I am ready to beg.
"No. No one was hurt, dear. Cullen has been...Cullen is just fine. He found you outside and brought you in," she states, her mouth pursing. She's trying to hide something and doing a poor job at it.
"'Cullen has been' what? He seemed alright when I left after clearing out the Circle. Ok, a little on the paranoid side about the mages," I start. Did I wait too long to come back to check on him? Was he in the cage too long when Uldred captured him? How did I not notice before I left? Was I too late, again?
"This is not a discussion we will be having, Amell. At least, not before you've had enough sleep to regain your mana and strength." She leaves no room for argument. That does not stop me from trying, however.
"Wynne-" I try to start again.
"Solona Amell!" she exclaims. I cringe at the volume. "You leave me no choice," she quietly starts to chant and ends with one word that I could curse her for: "Sleep."
A/N: I hope that the pacing wasn't too hectic :) Thanks for reading!