A/N: Thanks to everyone who faved, followed, and especially reviewed. Thanks as well to christinegrrl for beta'ing this story. I forgot to thank her for the last chapter, but she beta'd that one as well!
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Gilmore girls and the title, once again, comes from Hamilton.
Chapter 3: The Sinners and the Saints
Jess didn't find it easy to make friends. For one thing, he didn't have much practice at it. He hadn't spent a lot of time around kids his own age growing up, and few of the adults he'd spent time with had ever taken a genuine interest in him. Most of the time, he didn't mind that so much. Better to be ignored than hurt or pitied. He did, however, sometimes wonder what it would be like to have someone he could really talk to. Someone he would want to talk to.
Talking was the other main reason Jess had a hard time making friends: he didn't like to do it. Silence had served him well as a shield. Drawing attention to himself rarely ended well. He talked to the teacher because she was nice and he had to, but he made little effort to talk to the other kids. They, for the most part, had concluded he was weird and stopped trying to talk to him. The lone exception was a little girl named Julie.
Julie talked to everyone, and she made a special point to talk to the kids no one else talked to. Everyone, teachers and students alike, seemed to love her. Jess was another exception, because at first he just thought she was annoying. It seemed like she was always chattering at him when he was trying to read during recess, asking him questions with awkward answers he wasn't willing to give ("What's your mom like?" Drunk, or "what's your dad do?" Leave.). She'd even talk to him in class sometimes when they weren't supposed to be talking. He thought he saw their 1st Grade teacher notice her whispering once and pretend not to see. The apparently intentional oversight made Jess think of the note this same teacher had sent home to his mom about how Jess needed to "work on his socialization skills." It was a big word, but Jess knew it. For someone who rarely talked, he knew a lot of words his peers didn't.
His annoyance with Julie started to fade, however, when she stopped asking awkward questions and landed instead on the one question he felt most comfortable answering: what are you reading? Julie was a smart girl, but she couldn't read anywhere near as well as Jess could. She loved hearing about the books he was reading, loved that she'd finally gotten him to talk, and he found, to his surprise, that he enjoyed telling her about them. Soon, he didn't find her annoying at all and they started talking about far more than just books. Jess learned that he didn't mind listening to her talk at all. She talked about her family, her friends, and her pets. She talked about her dreams and ambitions. She talked about school, which she loved, and her own reading. She talked about everything, and it seemed to come so easily to her.
Julie asked about his life, too, but Jess became skilled at deflecting her attention. He shared a few things, but mostly he talked about books or lied. He painted a rosy picture of Liz when Julie wouldn't let the subject drop, and he conveniently failed to mention any of her boyfriends. It was easier that way – not to mention safer. He didn't know what to say when she asked him what the favorite present he'd ever gotten from his parents was, so he told her he couldn't pick one. He'd made up some story when she'd followed that question up by asking what he'd gotten the previous Christmas. He couldn't tell her that all he got was a literal piece of coal. He couldn't tell her his mother's boyfriend had punished him for it, because if Santa thought he'd been "naughty," then he must have been. Santa sees everything, after all. He wouldn't make a mistake. He couldn't tell her it was the boyfriend who put the coal under the tree in the first place, as either a cruel trick or just an excuse to punish him, and that he hadn't even had the courage to call the guy out on the fact that he knew Santa was a lie. He also couldn't tell her how excited he had been for those few moments, before he opened it, when he foolishly thought he'd actually gotten a real present. He couldn't tell her that his mom may have looked uncomfortable about the whole thing, but she still hadn't said a word in his defense. Even if he'd wanted to, how could he tell any of that to his perfect, naïve friend who still believed in happy families and Santa Claus? How could he tell that to a sweet little girl who still believed that people were fundamentally good? That the world was fundamentally good? He couldn't, so he lied. He made up excuses for why she couldn't visit him at his place, and grew to love the peace and serenity he found at hers when she invited him over.
Julie's was the first birthday party he'd ever been invited to. He'd gotten up the courage to ask his mom for money to buy her a present, but she just laughed, told him she barely had enough money for food let alone enough to waste on presents, and went out to get more beer. So instead Jess utilized a skill one of her boyfriends had taught him and stole Julie a present. He stole her one of his favorite books, although he knew her parents would have to help her with it. He also knew her parents would help her with it. She'd grinned and hugged him for it, and her parents had smiled at him.
His own birthday was only a couple of weeks after Julie's, and the day after her party he approached his own mother with caution. He didn't notice she'd been using until it was too late to take the request back.
"Mommy," he'd asked, "can I have a birthday party?" She stared at him blankly, and he nervously continued, "or… or not even a party, really, just one friend?"
"You want to have a friend over for your birthday?" Liz asked him, her expression unreadable even to her perceptive son. Jess nodded apprehensively. "I thought you didn't have any friends?"
The comment hurt more than he would've liked to admit, but Jess pressed on anyway. "I have one friend, and I thought we could maybe have her over?" Jess asked again. "To celebrate?" he added.
"No," Liz answered simply and definitively, turning to look away from him. Jess dipped his head, knowing he was defeated, knowing he should just shut up and leave her alone, but somehow finding himself unable to give up on the idea he'd set his heart on.
"But—" Jess started, only to have his mother turn, return her cruel attentions to him, and cut him off.
"Why would I want to spend a dime of my hard earned money to celebrate the day you ruined my life?" Liz asked. Jess was too old to cry. He knew that. His mother had taught him that, and her boyfriends had made sure that the lesson stuck. Yet Jess couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes at her words. With great effort, he prevented them from falling, but not before his mother saw them.
"Aww," she mocked, "is the little baby Jessie sad? Does he think his mommy was mean to him?" Liz grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into his room, and when she spoke again her voice was hard. "You're going to be seven fucking years old, Jess, stop being such a baby. I'm not going to coddle you and lie to you and tell you I want to celebrate your birthday. Get over it!" With that, she slammed the door and left him alone.
Jess lay on his bed and let a few tears fall onto his pillow. It was his own fault, really. He should've realized the state she was in. She probably would've said no clean and sober, too, but she wouldn't have said the rest of it. He tried to tell himself it was just the drugs talking, that she didn't really mean it, but he never really was able to convince himself of that. On some level, she must really think it. It wasn't like it was the first time she'd said something like that.
A few more tears fell before he wiped them away in frustration. He hadn't meant to ruin her life. He tried to make up for it every day. He tried to be good and helpful. He tried not to bother her or her boyfriends. He tried to stay out of their way. He tried not to ask for too much. Apparently, he just wasn't any good at any of it. He was still ruining her life, and he didn't know how to stop.
# # # # #
Both Jess and Julie had grown increasingly quiet with one another as his birthday drew nearer. It was Julie who finally brought it up while they were sitting on the steps outside their school during recess.
"So, your birthday's tomorrow, right?" Jess just nodded. "What are you doing to celebrate?"
Jess was embarrassed. Ashamed. Angry at his mom for putting him in this position. Angry at himself for not being good enough to make her love him. Angry at Julie for every assumption she'd ever made. For thinking his life was like hers. For assuming he must be doing something to celebrate. For assuming he had parents who wanted to celebrate his birthday. For having parents who actually cared about her. He couldn't tell her the truth.
"I'm having a party," Jess lied smoothly.
"You are?" Julie said, betraying surprise and a little bit of hurt. "With who?"
"Oh, you know," Jess embellished, ignoring the hurt in her eyes. "My mom, some kids from my building, and some friends from kindergarten. My mom's been planning it for awhile."
"Sounds fun," Julie told him. Secretly, she was still hoping for a last minute invitation.
"Yeah," Jess agreed enthusiastically, "it's gonna be awesome!" The hurt look in her eye only became more apparent when no invitation was forthcoming. Jess knew he was upsetting her, knew why she was upset, and a small part of him was starting to feel a little guilty about that. The rest of him, however, just resented her even more for it. She was acting like not being invited to a stupid birthday party was the worst thing that could happen to a kid. Jess knew better. He wished he didn't, but he did.
"Can I come?" Julie asked sheepishly. She knew perfectly well it wasn't polite to invite yourself to things, but she thought maybe Jess just thought she wouldn't want to go. He did that sometimes: assumed people didn't like him as much as they claimed. That was how it had been with her, anyway.
Jess was a little surprised by the direct question, but he didn't really have a choice about how to answer. "No," he said, offering no explanation.
"I thought we were friends?" Julie said, tears sprouting.
Jess had boxed himself in with his lies. He'd either have to come clean about it all, which he couldn't bring himself to do, or he'd have to keep going. "You thought wrong," he answered, not looking at her. It wasn't entirely a lie, Jess thought. He knew everything about her life, but she didn't even know anything about his. What did she really know about him? That he liked books? That he didn't have a dad? That was it. Big deal. Most of the school knew those things. The fact that she didn't tease him about them didn't mean she was his friend. She didn't know about his mom. She didn't know about her boyfriends. She didn't know about the yelling or the bruises or the fear. She didn't know how hard he had to try to be even a decent son, and she didn't know how horribly he failed anyway. She knew he liked to read. She didn't know how badly he sometimes needed to escape into those other worlds. She didn't know he'd had to steal her birthday present. She didn't know his mom regretted having him. She didn't know enough to wonder if his mom would even want to celebrate his birthday. She knew nothing. The person she was friends with was nothing more than a myth. He was as much a fiction as most of his books. He couldn't be that pretend boy anymore.
Julie's tears started flowing in earnest at his response. "Fine," she told him, "you're a jerk, anyway! I don't want to be your friend anymore!"
Julie stormed away across the playground, joining a group of girls who huddled around her and soon began shooting Jess dirty looks. A few of the boys caught wind, and Jess saw one of the boys start towards him. Julie caught the boy by the arm and shook her head. The boy stopped. After a few moments, all of the kids turned and walked away. No one bothered talking to Jess after that except to make fun of him. He told himself he didn't care. He didn't need them. He didn't need her. He was a good liar.
# # # # #
The apartment was silent when Jess returned home from school, and it was silent the next morning, too. All in all, that bode well for the day. At this point, all Jess wanted for his birthday was to be left alone. The phone rang, but Jess let it go to the answering machine.
"Hey, Jess, it's me, Luke. Uh, your uncle Luke. You probably knew that. Anyway, just calling to say happy birthday. Ok, well, guess I've said it… so… bye!"
Jess told himself he only listened to the message again to get rid of the annoying beeping, but in truth it was a nice reminder that someone, even if that someone barely knew him, actually cared about his birthday enough to call.
He spent the first few hours of officially being seven sitting at home reading. He should've been in school, but who would care if he skipped? Around 4pm he made the decision to go out and get himself a present. It was the beginning of a tradition: every year on his birthday, Jess would steal himself a book. He didn't get caught, and he spent most of the rest of the day getting lost in its pages.
Jess's mom didn't come home until very late that night, new boyfriend in tow. Both drunk, at the very least, Jess could instantly tell. He immediately regretted his decision to stay in the living room reading. He tried to make a quick escape to his room, but the new boyfriend blocked his path and grabbed the collar of his shirt, spinning him around to face his mother.
"Apologize," the boyfriend ordered.
"I'm sorry," Jess said hastily, looking up at the man. He let go of Jess's collar and pushed him forward towards his mother.
"Not to me," he said. Jess looked at his mom.
"I'm sorry," he said again. She didn't react immediately, staring at him for a moment before speaking.
"For what?" she asked. I don't know, Jess thought. I could guess, but I'm not stupid enough to give you more reasons to be mad at me. Jess remained silent. The new boyfriend took a step forward and stood only inches behind Jess, but he didn't touch him. Jess tensed all over, stared at the floor, and waited.
"Your mother asked you a question," the man hissed. Jess's heart started racing, but still he said nothing. "What are you apologizing for?" the man asked, voice harsh and loud. Jess jumped slightly.
"I don't know," he muttered.
"Take a guess," the man ordered. Jess shook his head.
"I don't know," he said again.
"You think you're perfect?"
"No," Jess answered, his voice soft and low.
"Then guess."
"I don't know," Jess insisted so quietly the others could barely hear him. The man put a threatening hand on the back of Jess's neck and then laughed when he noticed that Jess was shaking.
"You scared of me, little boy?" A flash of anger shot through Jess at the man's mocking tone, and he found the courage to look him in the eye when he responded.
"No," he answered with as much defiance as he could muster. Jess was surprised when the man chuckled and released his neck to ruffle his hair in a manner Jess might've mistaken for affectionate if he didn't know any better. Julie would've thought it was affectionate.
"Liar," he said with a grin. "Don't worry, kid, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want you to apologize to your mother for ruining her life and then asking her to celebrate it." Jess's eyes quickly fell away from the man's as he squirmed uncomfortably. She told him about that? Jess thought, chest tightening. She was out there complaining about how I ruined her life. Jess felt a confusing combination of betrayal and shame at the realization. He should have known it wouldn't be over. He was still ruining her life, wasn't he? Why shouldn't she complain? Why should it matter that he hadn't meant to do it?
"Well?" the man asked, amusement still in his voice. Jess hated him for that. He hated him for that, and because it was easier than hating his mom. Jess looked up at her, but he couldn't meet her eyes. He spoke to the wall just to the right of her head instead.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"For what?" she asked again. Jess glanced at the ground, blinking rapidly, and then back up at her.
"For ruining your life and then asking for a party," he answered. His mom simply nodded and turned away from him.
"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" the man asked, ruffling his hair again. Jess moved his head to the side evasively and made for his bedroom, but the man again prevented his escape. He kneeled down and placed a hand on each of Jess's shoulders to prevent him from moving. "The sooner you learn that kids like you don't deserve things like birthday parties, the better off you'll be. You need to learn to manage your expectations, kid."
The man stood, pushing Jess towards his room. "Now go to bed. Your mother and I have a little partying of our own to do, and you're not invited."
A/N: I'm not sure when I'm going to post the next chapter. To be honest, it's pretty close to done, but I'm really nervous about it so I might be a little skittish about actually posting it and it might take a little while. As always, reviews are very much appreciated! I'll respond to them all, either in PMs (for those with accounts) or here at the end of chapters for those who don't have accounts. If you'd rather I not respond for any reason, just let me know. I won't be offended.
Response to reviews: Nancy! I'm so glad you found this story! I loved reading your reviews on my last story, and I was so excited to see your name when I got your first review for this one. I'm glad you seem to be enjoying it, and that you think I captured Liz well. I agree that Luke doesn't know what to look for and doesn't want to think so ill of his little sister. AJ Granger: thanks for the feedback (and if you're the same AJ Granger who reviewed "Guilt," it's great to hear from you again)! I'm trying to show the life that Jess might've had to make him the young man we saw on the show and in my other story, so I'm glad you can see the connection!