- CHAPTER FOUR -
EDWARD
Her name was Bella and she was even more beautiful than I remembered.
When I walked into bio that afternoon, I noticed her immediately, seated at my table looking too fucking beautiful to be stuck in such a dreary little place. Not many people dared sit there, most people in this postage stamp sized town were too afraid to talk to me, something I encouraged as much as possible.
But there she was, looking stunning in a simple black hoodie and a Strokes tee shirt, her long brown hair spilling over her shoulders as she eyed Jessica Stanley warily. She looked past her then, and her beautiful brown eyes landed on me. I like to think I saw her breath catch, but that could have been wishful thinking.
She was funny and intelligent and easily picked up how to speak to me without words. Very few people had managed to do that before.
I found myself intrigued by her, and that was new for me. I hadn't met anyone I was willing to get close to, not in four years. I honestly thought I'd never meet anyone I'd be willing to get close to again, but one small conversation with Bella, and I knew I was hooked.
I stared at her the entire class. Whether she knew I was staring at her or not, I wasn't sure, but I just couldn't keep my eyes off her. She was just, extraordinarily beautiful, in a classic way that not a lot of girls were anymore. She didn't fuss and mess with herself, she was natural, something I was fairly certain no teenage girl in America was anymore.
I wanted her then, more than I had ever wanted anything, and that scared me. Those were very dangerous thoughts indeed.
When the bell rang, Bella gathered up her notebooks and glanced at me. A light blush slid across her cheeks when she saw me watching her. Interesting.
She stared back at me, unabashed for a moment, before her blush grew deeper. She ducked her head then and gripped her books and walked away. Shy Bella had returned.
I wondered, as I stood up and gathered my own things, how many Bella's there were and how soon I could meet them all.
I ditched my last class, feeling too restless to sit around with a sub anyway. I went out to my car instead and drove back to the house, knowing full on that neither one of my parents would be home yet. I parked the car in the garage then went inside and changed into some running clothes.
Grabbing my phone and my keys, I ran downstairs and out the back door.
My muscles welcomed the warm stretching as I started my run. It had been way too long since I'd run regularly.
I'd done it a lot after Chicago, trying to outrun my past. It never worked and eventually I grew slightly wary of trying.
Now I ran to clear my head. It didn't always work, but it was better than sitting around feeling self destructive and angry.
I neared my clearing off the Sol Duc River and pushed myself harder until I exploded into the tiny field. I stopped in the middle, bending over with my hands gripping my knees. My lungs were not as great as they used to be, and I knew that it was because of the damn smoking. I really needed to quit that shit soon.
Taking deep, burning lungfuls of air; I started pacing around the meadow, trying to cool down my muscles a bit. This place, this little field in the middle of fucking nowhere, was my sanctuary.
The sun struggled out then from behind the clouds and I pulled off my shirt enjoying the rare warmth. Sweat glittered against my skin in the sunlight and I took another deep breath, sitting down in the middle of the field. I lay back against the tall grasses and placed my right hand over my left shoulder.
Tracing the tattoo I knew so well I didn't have to look at it, I sighed and shut my eyes.
"I'm scared." I whispered to no one. "I want to get close to her. She's smart and funny and sharp." I huffed a laugh. "I want her in every way, but I can't have her." I opened my eyes and looked up at the cloudy sky. "I can't let anyone else down Bree. I just can't." The gentle breeze carried away my words, and as expected, I got none in return.
I lay in the field a while, trying not to feel anything, when the sound of light footfalls and breathing alerted me to another presence. I sat up slowly, and peaked over the tall grass.
A small brunette girl burst through the tree line and into the clearing. She was dressed in teeny tiny shorts and a tank top that she abruptly took off and tossed on the grass. I groaned at the sight of Bella's dark blue sports bra. She was so fucking sexy it was killing me.
I was almost certain she hadn't seen me, so I slunk a little lower in the grass to watch her. Creepy as fuck, I know, but it was the only way I knew how to be close to anyone anymore.
Bella stopped to collect her breath a few minutes before shaking her head and bending over to stretch. I groaned a little louder, and prayed she didn't hear me.
She was incredibly fucking flexible.
I continued to watch her like the pervert I am. She stretched a while, groaning as she moved her legs, before she finally sighed and settled down on top of a low rock. The sun came out again and highlighted her in warm yellow light.
She started talking to herself then, and the breeze carried her voice to me.
"Get a hold of yourself Swan." She growled, clutching at her hair. "He's not interested and you aren't either." She snapped. The look on her face contradicted her own words though. She looked very much interested in whatever she was thinking about. "Remember what happened last time." She snapped, and one of her hands went down to her hip, though I couldn't see what it was doing down there. Whatever it was, it seemed to give her motivation and she nodded her head firmly. "No more pain Bella. No more sadness."
Irrational, blinding rage stole over me at those words. Who dared hurt her? Who dared to make her sad? I'd rip them a-fucking-part if I ever found them.
Bella muttered to herself some more, but her words were unclear.
There was a ringing from her pocket and she pulled out a cell phone, glaring at it before answering.
"I'm out running." She explained. "No, I'm perfectly fine." She snapped. "Yes. I'll come home now." The expression on her face was comical. She looked pissed off and annoyed, an angry little kitten. "I'm fine!" She snapped again before ending the call. I chuckled quietly. Kitten had a temper. It was sexy as fuck. "I'm moving to a city the first chance I get." She growled, climbing down off the rock. "Follow me there, Em." She giggled then and shook her head. "Congratulations Bella. You're talking to yourself and plotting ways to get rid of the only person in this world who has ever been there for you." Her face fell a bit then and she sighed as she pulled on her shirt. She whispered something else but I didn't catch it, and then she was gone.
I sat in my spot in the grass a while longer before getting up as well and running home.
When I got back, dad was home staring at the fridge. I came into the kitchen and eyed him, moving around him to get a glass of water. "Mom and Alice are gone tonight." Dad explained. "I'm not sure what to do about dinner." He confessed. I downed my water and shrugged.
"The usual." I suggested. Dad sighed.
"I'm so fucking useless without your mom." He grumbled, closing the fridge. I smirked at him, because it was fucking true. "You think you can finish off a whole pizza tonight?" He asked, pulling out his phone. I nodded and settled on the counter as dad placed the order. "15 minutes." He told me, hanging up. I nodded again and sipped my water. "How are you?" Dad asked after a few minutes of silence. I shrugged noncommittally. "Look, I know you said you were done, but I spoke to Dr. Fisher today." I was up off the counter before he was done talking.
"No." I interrupted. Dad frowned and moved to block my path.
"Edward you need help." He was frowning at me, and I hated the worry I saw in his eyes. I looked just like my dad, but with my mom's colouring and seeing that look on his face pissed me off. Like looking in a fucking mirror.
"I'm fine." I snapped, not looking at him.
"No son, you're not." He reached out to put a hand on my shoulder, right above my tattoo and I looked up at him sharply. "I know what happened had a deep impact on you Edward, and I want you," I cut him off.
"No dad. You don't fucking know." I snarled. "You can't possibly know." Dad was quite because he knew I was fucking right.
"I want to help you." He said finally.
"Some people can't be helped." I growled, pushing past him. Dad sighed but didn't follow me as I took the stairs two at a time up to my room. I stripped down once I was inside and moved to the bathroom, turning on the shower.
Rage and regret and guilt and grief filled up in me, and the calm I'd achieved after my run, had vanished.
"Fuck." I shouted, picking up a small glass candleholder mom put up in my bathroom. I threw it as hard as I could and it shattered against the tile wall across from me. The sound ricocheted around the room but didn't help the emotions welling in me. Angrily, I stepped into the shower and tipped my head under the spray, that way when the tears spilled over, I could pretend they weren't really tears.
When I finally got out of the shower, there was a pizza box sitting on my desk, courtesy of my dad. I sat down to eat, flicking on my music to try to block out my thoughts.
…
She was staring at me with this big brown eyes and I couldn't help the fluttery feeling in my stomach as I stared back at her. She was just so fucking beautiful.
"What are you thinking?" She asked, and her voice was as rich as honey.
"I'm thinking how about how much you are making me want you." I said honestly, and the smile that spread across her face was just, fucking perfect.
"I want you too." She murmured, and I couldn't help but smile at the words. She moved closer to me and I realized she was wrapped in my arms, sitting in our field. It wasn't mine anymore, it was ours, and that felt good and right.
"I'm scared to want you." I continued, since I apparently had absolutely no fucking filter.
Bella giggled and reached up to nip at my chin. It made me smile. "Yeah," She whispered against my skin, "Me too." He lips felt so damn good on my skin, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, so I reached up to cradle her face and brought her lips up to meet mine. She sank into the kiss immediately and I groaned. She tasted amazing, and I wanted more; I needed more. "Edward." She groaned against me, shifting so that she was straddling my hips. I circled my arms around her tiny waist and held her flush against me. I just couldn't get fucking close enough. "Edward," She pulled away and held my head in her tiny little hands. "I love you." The words were expected and unexpected at the same time, and I felt my heart beat wildly at the declaration. I fucking loved her too. I didn't even know her, but I did. It defied all logic, all sense. It defied everything I knew, and yet, I'd never been more certain of my love for the girl there in my arms.
My mouth opened to repeat the words back to her, because I needed to, desperately. They were burning up inside of me, clawing at me to get out to her because she needed to know just how much she owned me, heart and soul.
"Bella," I started.
There was movement behind her head, and I glanced past her to the edge of the forest. The grass shifted again, and a different pair of big eyes looked up at me from the trees.
"Edward." Bree whispered, and her sweet voice stabbed me in the fucking heart. "Edward you promised. You promised."
I started to stand, and Bella slipped out of my lap, and out of my arms.
"Bree." I choked. She was too far away, I couldn't get to her fast enough. "Bree!" I shouted desperately. I ran toward her, but I was moving through quicksand, and the more I struggled, the more I sank.
"Edward!" Bella's voice called out to me and I turned to see her on the other side of the meadow, standing completely opposite of Bree. I was torn between them as I stared back and forth between them frantically. Where did I go? Who did I choose?
Before I could decide, a blaring bell slammed through me and I jerked awake. My heart was racing and tears were streaming down my face. My throat was dry and scratchy, and I was almost certain that I had been shouting in my sleep.
"Fuck." I hissed, leaning my elbows up on my knees and fisting my hair. Tears slid past my shut lids and I tried to level my breathing. It took me forever, but eventually I calmed down, but the dream lingered and made me feel sick. Was I in love with Bella? I didn't even fucking know her, we'd hardly spoken and yet, she'd been on my every thought since she'd moved to town. The only other person who had occupied that much time on my mind in the past four years, was Bree.
Why was Bella so fucking important to me?
…
I had a major headache from my emotional roller coaster the night before, and as I moved around my room getting ready for school, I considered just staying home today.
The thought of seeing Bella though, was too tempting. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I wanted to see her again. She was like a drug and I found myself already hooked on her. I thought back on my dream again and shivered. I was so fucking screwed.
"Edward?"
I looked up from my desk at Alice, who was standing in my doorway anxiously.
"What?" I asked. I hated that I made her anxious. She was my fucking twin and she wasn't even comfortable around me anymore. God I was suck a fucking ass.
"My car won't start. Can I get a ride with you today?" She asked timidly. I nodded and stood.
"Yeah of course." I said quietly. Alice gave me a small smile and I tried to return the act. We walked down stairs and said goodbye to mom who was busy reading the paper and drinking her coffee. Alice and I climbed into my car and I pulled out of the garage, heading toward school.
"Edward?" She looked over at me with large green eyes, a shade or two brighter than mine, but similar nonetheless.
"Yeah?"
"I miss you." Her words startled me enough so that I had to pull the car over. She looked anxious as she watched me and I frowned.
"I'm sorry Ali." I whispered. Her eyes filled with tears. I hadn't called her Ali in years. We both knew it. "I miss you too." I admitted.
Tears fell down her cheeks and I felt like a monumental ass. "Are you ever going to let me in again?" She whispered.
"I can't Ali." I shut my eyes to stop my own tears as I thought about my dream last night. I couldn't imagine adding Alice in that situation. God knew what she'd say. "I can't put this shit on you."
"Edward, we are twins. If you can't confide in me, who can you confide in?" She asked, sounding slightly desperate. I hated it. I hated that she felt like she had to beg and plead to be let back into my life. I didn't deserve someone as generous and kind and loyal as Ali to be my sister. I deserved to suffer.
"No one Al." I murmured. I couldn't look at her, I couldn't see the heartbreak I knew would be written all over her face. Instead I pulled the car into drive and made our way to school. I pulled into the lot and parked in my usual spot. Ali looked at me once more, her expression imploring, but I couldn't meet her gaze. She sighed then and gathered her bag off the floor of the car.
"You're not alone Edward." She whispered. "I know you think you are and I know you think you deserve it, but you're not and you don't. There are people who love you and won't ever stop." Her voice was quiet as she spoke, but her words were loud as foghorns in my ears. "Maybe one day you'll meet someone you feel like you can trust." She murmured before slipping out of the car. Alice's words rattled through my brain and my mind went immediately to Bella. What the fuck did I think I was doing? I couldn't even talk to my own twin. How the hell did I think I'd be able to get close to a stranger? Bella was a good person; a kind soul and she didn't need a fucking monster like me to taint her.
My resolve slid into my heart like a knife but I stood by it. I'd leave Bella the fuck alone. She deserved more, better than my fucked up ass.
I climbed out of the car and took a deep breath, steeling my resolve. If I really liked Bella Swan, I'd leave her the fuck alone.
…
I was such a fucking ignorant prick. Ten minutes into my new solid plan, it shattered when I saw Bella in the hallway. She was walking miserably beside Jessica Stanley, and looking for an escape. I wanted to go to her, to wrap her in my arms and protect her from all the shit people in this town. Instead I turned and hid like a damn coward in an empty classroom until she passed.
I was anxious the rest of the day. I even considered ditching biology just so I wouldn't have to sit there and think about how much I had to leave her alone. At lunch I sat in my car and debated what to do about biology. I'd been completely absent mentally today, not that anyone noticed. No one really paid much attention to me, which was great.
The first bell rang after lunch and I sighed. The desire to see her again outweighed all my worries and I climbed out of my car.
She was sitting at our table, slunk down on her stool and looking like she wanted to stab herself in the eye with her pen as fucking Newton babbled on in front of her, trying desperately to get her attention, to impress her.
Bella caught sight of me past Newton and I watched as her entire face changed. Her eyes lit up and a smirk snaked its way to her lips. She looked fucking radiant and I couldn't believe that I had gotten her to look like that.
Fuck. I was so screwed.
I moved through the room easily, everyone gave me a pretty wide birth, and came up behind Newton. He turned around, sensing someone behind him and I put on my scariest face, the one that I had mastered to perfection. Newton's eyes went wide and he stuttered an excuse to Bella before bolting away from the table. It was pretty satisfying, but I still wanted to punch him in the face.
I sat down beside Bella and nodded to her in greeting. She nodded back with the same small smirk.
"Thanks." She whispered. Her voice was like a caress, and I had to fight not to shiver at the sound. "Some people just don't know how to take a hint." She continued, giving Newton an exasperated glare. I snorted quietly and she looked over at me. Her big doe eyes were trained on me, looking all sharp and fierce and sexy. I locked eyes with her, unable to resist the pull of her stare. "Hi." She mumbled, surprising me. I let out another snort, this one more humor filled, and gave her a small smile.
"Hey." I shot back. Bella's beautiful blush made a reappearance and she gave me another small smile before looking down at her notebook. How could she switch from minx to shy in a second flat? It was fascinating and it made me want to know exactly what made her go shy. Was she shy in bed? I bet she's amazing in bed.
I scolded myself as soon as I realized where my thoughts had gone.
Leave her the fuck alone Cullen. She deserves better than your sorry ass.
The reminder was painful but true. I had to leave her alone.
So I am currently in Frankfurt Germany, though I'm heading out tomorrow. I didn't have any internet in Prague last week or I would have posted this on Thursday as is per usual for me. This one is a little shorter, but I'm hoping Bella's will be longer the next time I post. I, unfortunately, don't know for certain when I'll be able to post next, but I hope it will be within the next few weeks. Thanks all for reading and for sticking through this with me.