Chapter Four

Two new dwarves arrived, Fili and Kili. They both looked alike and rather young, except that Fili was blonde and Kili was dark-haired. Immediately after seeing them in his doorway, Bilbo told them to go away, and tried to slam the door, but Kili deflected it.

"Has it been cancelled?" asked Kili.

"No one told us," Fili added, looking almost as confused as Bilbo.

"What? No, nothing's been cancelled..." Bilbo began, but he was cut off.

"Oh, that's a relief," Kili grinned, pushing past Bilbo. He and Fili stopped when they saw Malcolm standing there.

"Now, who is this?" asked Fili looking up at Malcolm. "Gandalf didn't say that there would be a human child accompanying us."

"I'm not a child."

"Oops, sorry!" said Kili, not sounding sorry at all.

"For your information, I am from the Globe World!" said Malcolm. He didn't really get what that meant, but from the way Gandalf said it, he could guess that it was something very important.

Fili and Kili sobered instantly. "Well I never..." said Fili. "Are you really?"

"Yes, Gandalf brought me here for my brain!" said Malcolm, trying to straighten up.

"For your brain?" asked Kili, startled.

"Well, because my brain can help you!" said Malcolm. This was a bust, he thought. These dwarves didn't respect him. How would he convey to them the depths of his genius?

Almost immediately after Fili and Kili arrived the doorbell rang again. This time, when Bilbo went to answer it, yelling about how he had too many dwarves in his kitchen, there were eight dwarves who toppled forward onto the rug to reveal...Gandalf.

"Hi, Gandalf," said Malcolm.

"I knew it!" cried Bilbo.

Bilbo only grew crankier as Malcolm and the dwarves began setting up shop for a group meal in Bilbo's dining room. He kept trying to taking his chairs from people trying to move them, saying that they were antiques. Gandalf, meanwhile, took to doing a head count of the company.

"Malcolm, of course," he said. "Fili. Kili. Oin. Gloin. Dwalin. Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori, Ori."

He was approached by one of the dwarves, who spoke to him in a language that Malcolm couldn't understand. "Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short."

Dwalin reassured Gandalf that "he" would be here soon, and another dwarf, Dori, came forward to offer Gandalf some wine.

Malcolm sat down at the table.

"Malcolm!" cried Kili. He passed Malcolm a tray of food.

"What? I can have more?"

"Of course! This is a feast!"

All the dwarves cheered encouragement, and Malcolm, who was used not only to getting one-course meals, but also rather unsubstantial ones, gratefully took some more food.

"So, Malcolm," said one dwarf. Malcolm thought his name was Gloin. "The lads say you're from the Globe World."

"Yeah."

"What's it like?"

The dwarves actually managed to get quieter, and they all leaned forward in interest. Malcolm struggled to describe his life.

"Well, I don't know what to say. It's big. I'm from a place called California...it's one of the biggest states in the US."

"The what now?" asked Bofur.

Malcolm spent about ten minutes briefly explaining first the concept of continents, then countries, then the United States. The dwarves stared at him, fascinated, the whole time.

"So the US is among the world's most powerful countries," Malcolm finished, "and it has fifty states. The one I live in is called California."

"And tell me," Balin prodded, "what is it like living there?"

"Miserable," said Malcolm. This earned him many surprised glances. "The town I live in has hundreds of bullies, all of whom would beat me to a pulp without a second glance, just because I'm in the Krelboyne class. My father is the local loon, my mother is a control freak, and the brother I love most got sent away to military school years ago and hasn't lived at home since."

"Oh come now, laddie," said Oin. "Your mother surely wouldn't appreciate your calling her a control freak. What's she ever done to you?"

Malcolm gave a dangerous chuckle and proceeded to give the dwarves a description of one of his mother's fits of rage. "She yells at us nonstop and then grounds us."

"'Grounds' you?"

"That's what we call it when parents basically hold their kids prisoner. You only leave the house from school. When you're at home you can't leave your room, you can't speak to anyone outside your family, and then your mom comes in and yells at you every five minutes."

"Surely your brothers find some way to help you?" said Kili, glancing at his own brother.

"Francis would. He's the brother I like best. But Reese and Dewey just try to get me in more trouble. Other than that, Dewey is okay, but Reese hits me. A lot."

"And what is the Krelboyne class?" asked Ori.

When Malcolm told him, no one believed it.