A/N- for Rei

The next day Carlisle came to visit, he brought Emse with him. Emse is a nice lady who's my mother, except I didn't mention her before now because I forgot she existed. I call my parents by their first names because I saw Bella doing it and gosh…she's so great.

So Carlisle gave me some beige pants and some sweat pants. I don't like the sweat pants because they make me look like Jacob. I had asked for paisley, but Carlisle never listens to me, he never listens…

"You're not my real father!" I yelled. It was totally random.

"Please be quiet, Edward, you're very annoying" he replied.

"We need to have a talk with you darling" said Emse

And then we went and sat on a log because that seems to be all there is to do in La Push. Emse said she was worried about me not fitting in with the wolves.

"But they're mean to me Exme" I told her.

"Edward, we need to talk to you," she said in a very serious voice "Well… there's a reason you don't fit in, it's medical. You're what the doctors call extremely stupid. There's no cure. And because of this you keep on ending up in these weird situations without pants"

"We think you may also be a sexual deviant" Carlisle interjected "So we bought you this book" he handed me a self-help book called 'Fitting in for Dummies'.

"It teaches you how to fake being a likeable human being," he explained

Eseme smiled at me with pity "you're not very likeable at all, Edward" she said in a low, sympathetic voice.

Awwww. What a hosebeast.

I picked up some sand and threw it in her stupid ugly face and ran away back to the woods. I saw them leave. Why is everyone so mean?

I sat down and flicked through the book.

Chapter 1

How to Pretend You're Smarter Than You Are.

It was actually pretty good advice. The next day I rang up Bella.

"Hello?" she answered

"Hi Bella, it's Edward" I told her

She sighed. Oh shit, she still thinks I'm gay and that I want to murder her boyfriend.

Well, I do actually want to murder her boyfriend.

"So Bella, read any Chaucer lately?" I asked.

"Edward, you have an IQ of about 73, don't try"

There was a long pause

"Are you crying?" she finally asked

"A bit" I admitted, "Everyone's so mean to me"

She sighed again "Ok" she said, "I'm coming over."

Sweet. The book worked.

FYI, I live in a small wooden house in La Push that Carlisle bought. It's really ugly.

Bella came to the door. She knocked on the door and then I opened it and she came in and sat down and had a glass of water.

"Edward, I'm here… but I don't' think it's safe for me to be alone with you" she said

"I know, sometimes when I phase I can't control myself"

"No, idiot." She replied, "You're mentally unsound"

"You're really hot," I said.

"Fuck Edward. What am I doing here? I know you're a psychopath with an unsettling sexual disorder, but I just… I'm so attracted to your five-inch hair. And I know it was homicidal and poorly choreographed, but that dance routine turned me on"

Oh awesome.

Then she kissed me. She kind of tasted like hummus. But that's ok, I like garlic. I kissed her back. I tasted kind of like metal.

"You bit me, loser!" she shrieked as she backed away.

Oh yeah, her mouth and chin was covered in blood.

"Woops, here's my pants, you can soak up the blood with them"

I took my pants off.

"Stop taking your pants off Edward" she said

"Ok," I said, "but I have nice buttocks," I said

"Yes I know"

Awesome.

She stole my tea towel and ran out the door clutching her mouth.

This book Exsemesxxeme gave me is really good. I might get to second base tomorrow.

Fuck you Jacob Black. I'm going to get some over-the-bra action.