AN: Thanks for your lovely reviews. It is gratifying to know that the stories I am writing are tying together in the way that I have been hoping to achieve.

And I want to get you into the real story rather than flashbacks so an extra chapter this week – enjoy!

Now the real story begins – buckle up! lol

Chapter 4

Present Day

Han cracked his eyes open surprised to see Leia watching him, her eyes filled with tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and pulled her back into his arms. "Oh, you've been poking around again," he said, aware of her presence lingering there still.

"I'm sorry. It's just that you haven't been around for a long time and…"

"…you missed me. Lots." He chuckled knowing the truth, when their link was open they couldn't hide anything from one another. "It's okay. You know I trust you."

"Thank you," she turned his lips to his for a kiss born of the comfort of knowing each other for so long. "I know I shouldn't have done it, but we never have enough time together."

"And you wanted to make the most of it. I get it. Really, it's okay. Did you find anything interesting?" He asked, vaguely aware she was putting her shields back in place.

"You were dreaming, lots of subconscious things. Do you remember any of them now?" She asked blinking back her tears.

Han drew in a long breath, and closed his eyes, concentrating. "Some things, memories mostly, some good, some not so good. Guess we've had a hell of a life, huh?"

"Yes, we have." Leia wondered if she should ask him about his depression after he left, about what he had almost done, but decided she wasn't up to it. Instead, she nestled more tightly against him. "Han, I do still love you."

He sighed as she put her hands into his hair.

"Salt and pepper," she said.

"Mostly salt." He grimaced. "How did we get this old? And how is it that I'm still alive?" He laughed at the absurdness of the statement.

"You are by far the luckiest man I know. Maybe… it's what we talked about a long time ago."

He snorted. "What? That I have some latent ability in the force that manifests itself through my luck?"

"I don't know, maybe." She shrugged. "I'm not sure how else to explain it, nor the fact that we can communicate with each other without words. And Ben is strong in the force."

"Your family is strong in the force, it has nothing to do with me."

"I don't believe it."

"Believe what you want," he said and looked at her only to see those tears back in her eyes again.

"Are those happy tears or sad tears?"

She bit her lip and tenderly reached out to rest her hand on his cheek.

"Leia, what?"

"You tried to kill yourself," she whispered. "I didn't know, I didn't know how much pain you were in…"

"It's over. Let it go."

"No! I drove you to it when I pushed you away! It's my fault."

"Leia, honey, it's no one's fault but mine."

"Tell me."

"I'd rather not go back to it." He shook his head. "You, Ben and Breha are everything to me. And I lost you all due to my incompetence as a father and husband. It was time to end things. That's all."

Leia was ignoring the tears which trailed down her face and she squeezed his hand. "You're a wonderful husband and father, it was never your fault. Things happened to us, things are always happening to us." She sighed. "And when I couldn't take anymore I pushed you away instead of pulling you to me. I was wrong. I never should have done it."

"Hey, I'm the one who left you. It was my mistake."

"But you wouldn't have done it if I hadn't…" She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to collect herself. "What happened?"

"I don't really know. I was going to…well…you know… and then I collapsed on the beach. When I woke up I was on the Falcon. The big lug carried me back and has watched over me like a hawk ever since." He snorted. "As if he didn't watch me closely before. He damn near followed me into the bathrooms after that. Did you ever try to fit a Wookie and a man into a human sized bathroom?" He ran a hand through his hair and chuckled.

"It sounds like a bad joke."

"Believe me it was. Anyhow I finally got past the notion 'cause I was too busy trying to get the Wook to leave me alone for a few minutes. I didn't have time to be morose."

"I'll have to remember to thank Chewie the next time I see him." She gave him a sweet kiss. "I may have pushed you away but I don't want to ever permanently lose you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know you kept tabs on me. And somehow I always felt you, in here, ya know?" He tapped his chest. "I knew you were okay. Not anything else, but it was enough."

They snuggled back together and were quiet for a while, lightly touching one another, taking comfort from their simple actions.

"You went back to smuggling," she mumbled against his chest.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Maz needed a favor, you needed supplies…"

"I didn't contact you until after I knew you were doing it again. You've proven you can run a legitimate business. Why go back?"

"You don't need to know."

"Han, you're better than this."

"Maybe I'm not. What if you're wrong, Leia. What if this is who I really am? Can you love someone who's heart and soul is a smuggler?"

"I do love you, no matter what. But that's not it."

"What d'ya mean?" Han pulled back and looked at her and she placed her hand over her heart.

"I know what you're doing."

Han's face remained impassive.

"You're looking for her."

"Who?"

Leia gave him a 'you know what I'm talking about' look and he dropped his gaze.

"Hey. I'm not mad or upset. But why are you doing it?"

"Because I can't believe she died. I don't feel it in here," he jabbed the area of his chest above his heart. "We were…connected somehow. It was different than with Ben. You and Luke…you told me she died and you have no reason to lie…but somehow I never felt it. Never in here."

Leia rested her head on his chest so he couldn't see the guilt she knew was displayed on her face.

"Smugglers have contacts the normal world doesn't, you know that. I'm tryin' to reestablish connections to see if I can find somethin', anything."

"She'd be nineteen, fourteen years since we last saw her," Leia mused.

Han remained so quiet that she untucked herself from his side to find him lying still with his eyes tightly shut, she knew he was trying hard not to let her see how emotional this still made him, and she tucked herself back against him leaving him to his emotions.

"You okay?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah," was his gruff reply.

"Just checking."

"Worried about me, Princess?"

"Always."

"Good." He gave her a squeeze. "Do me a favor."

"What?"

"We both know I'll be leaving in the morning to help destroy this thing, but I want you to show me how to reach you via our minds. I've always been aware of you while I've travelled and knowing that you were still alive has kept me sane, but on some occasions we could contact each other. Can you show me?"

"Yes, but you'll have to completely leave yourself open to me. And to Ben if you find him. And it only works if the other person is willing because you can't initiate this on your own."

"Will this work with Ben too? I mean it did in the past, not as well as with you, but…"

"I think so, why?" Leia studied his somber face.

"Small galaxy, maybe I'll see him again."

"I don't want you to go. I don't want to get up. I just want to stay here wrapped in your arms and let the rest of the world go to hell," she groused.

"I know you don't mean it, though I do appreciate the thought." He squinted at the clock. "We still have a few hours. "Sleep?"

"Yeah, I guess we'd better." She snuggled more tightly against him.

"Leia?"

"Han?"

She heard the hesitation in his voice when he spoke again. "When this is done, can I come home? Do you mean it?"

She looked into his searching eyes and nodded. "Yes. I'm tired of missing you."

"Good." He pulled her tight against him and soon, still entwined, they had fallen back into a peaceful slumber.

888888888888888888888888888

They had both cleaned up and were busy getting dressed for their day. It was early in the morning but that was when things got started on a military base. Leia was dressed and watched Han, enjoying the sight of him in her bedroom. He belonged there with her, he had always belonged there.

A huge pang of guilt hit her and she wasn't surprised at its severity. It was the secret she had kept locked away within her mind since Breha's disappearance nearly fourteen years ago. Luke had coerced her into agreeing to keep Breha hidden and safe until she grew into an adult. Luke had told Han their daughter was killed in a crash and she had gone along with it. She didn't know where Breha was, only that she was alive, and after Ben's turn to the dark side, and Luke's disappearance she didn't have a chance in hell of finding her. But the truth was still the truth. She had lied to Han and kept the truth from him for years, she could only imagine the level of betrayal he would feel when she unburdened herself. She wouldn't be surprised if he decided not to come home to her after all. And she had no one to blame but herself.

She steeled herself for her confession and spoke his name as he pulled on his socks. "Han?"

"Yes, Sweetheart?"

"We need to talk."

"Now?" His eyebrow raised in surprise.

"Yes, I think sooner would be better than later."

"Okay, you have my attention." He finished pulling up the last sock and sat back and looked at her.

And her damn comm went off.

Han watched as she did her studious best to ignore it.

"Princess, aren't you going to get that?"

Leia was hoping the signal would stop, but it continued. "Krist!" she swore and reached for the offending link.

She was needed immediately in the Command Center as new classified information had come in that she needed to see. When the communique ended she shut off the Comm and swore under her breath in Corellian.

"Hey, General, those are some pretty strong swear words you're using!" He said standing up, now completely dressed.

"It's appropriate, believe me." She sighed. "Nothing for it. I have to go." She walked across the room and wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him. "We have to talk later."

"That sounds serious."

"It is." She bit her lip. "And I can only hope you'll forgive me when you hear what I have to say."

Han gave her a questioning look. "I can't imagine anything that would make me leave again."

"I can." She shook her head. "But no time now. We'll talk when you're back."

"Princess, you've got a deal," he smiled and pulled her to him for a long, lingering kiss before they were thrown into the maelstrom of events that the day would bring.

"Let's go, Hotshot. There's a war to win." She said dropping the Falcon's ramp.

"There's always a war to win," Han muttered unhappily as the trailed along behind her.

888888888888888888888888888

It was hard to believe that after their short but difficult separation of a few years Han had come back to her, pleading to come home to her again. To Leia, having him back in her life was like finally being able to breathe again.

And now he was gone, ripped from her life, trying with his last breath to save their son, to bring their Ben back to them and back to the light. He had died just as he had lived, a hero to the rebellion but especially to her. He was the light in her life and she never truly understood that until now, until his own unique presence had been extinguished by their beloved son.

Leia lowered herself into a chair in her sparse quarters, strangely free of tears. She supposed it was because she was in shock, and numb from her severe internal pain. Half of her soul had been ripped away from her and she was appalled by how little she cared about the rebellion in this moment. Life as she knew it was over and from this point on she could only hope she would care enough to continue, knowing it would be a poor imitation of life because life without a heart had no meaning.

And Leia's heart was gone.

888888888888888888888888888

AN: This story's just getting started – hope you'll continue the journey with me…