I came back to my room for a minute, thinking what I was going to need on my trip. It felt awful just to be there. The whole environment was so annoying. All me belongings were on their usual places, everything the same. I wasn't the same. I was longing for some action, and that routine was pressuring on me, as if trying to make me remain unchanged.

I put my laptop and couple of external hard discs into my backpack and went to the kitchen. I grabbed a few packs of what seemed to be pomegranate juice. A snack, just in case.

"So you're leaving after all?" Emmett asked from the common room. He stopped playing Xbox and was staying in the kitchen watching me pack the food.

"I don't get it really. Well, nobody wants to kill humans, but you really shouldn't torture yourself this way. Even if you slipped – it happens… So you could simply enjoy the process." His tone changed from sympathetic to mocking. "And after you drank her dry you could dry up the remains, pound it to powder and sniff it on big occasions. She'd last longer that way."

I thought of jumping on him and crashing the table with his stupid head, just to teach him some respect to elders. Esme was passing by and I stopped myself, not wanting to destroy her kitchen again. I made a face full of sincere suffering instead, knowing she would punish him in a more devious way than I ever could. Oh my kind mother and her compassion that made her so easy to play. I felt kind of uneasy about Emmett's idea though.

When I was done with bidding farewells I jumped in my car and drove away as fast as I could. No matter what Carlisle said, I still preferred my Volvo to his Mercedes and had left his keys on the kitchen table.

I drove without thinking of a direction. I got everything I needed that moment – my laptop, my credit card and a snack. I came back to thinking only when I left the town and was close to Bella's house. Of course I'd got her address at the first place. Medical records I left for a dessert.

Carlisle's memories were bothering me; I wasn't prepared for such turn of events. And the future Alice had seen, those alternatives supplemented them in a too perfect way. Was I ready to kill – not because of blood thirst, but because of my curiosity and boredom?

Blood thirst is an attribute of a vampire, it's his essence. Monster is allowed to do anything. And what about a human? Curiosity is purely human quality, and a human is able to control himself. Has to control himself.

I got a shocking epiphany – if I cross this invisible line and kill not for hunger, not for self-defense, I would become something even worse than a vampire.

That thought brought me unexpected relief. I was at the top of the food pyramid, but still not at the bottom of the list of sinners. There were creatures worse than me, even humans.

I stood covered in the darkness of the trees and watched Bella's house. Yes, even at such distance her scent was winding around me like a silk ribbon. Her presence was still shocking, but at least not as lethal as the first time I'd seen her.

If I was going to be away from her for a week, it would be very hard for her to survive when I came back and contact with her. And a contact was inevitable if I wanted to solve her mystery. And I truly wanted.

I had to take something from her house, something that carried her scent. I winced mentally imagining how Emmett would have commented that. It should have been something innocent then, and very unnoticeable. A book, or a small accessory. I was not a pervert. And even if I was, it was different.

And I shouldn't enter her room. First time I'd seen her I'd been able to stop myself only because there were witnesses. To see her alone, sleeping in a dark room, bathing in her rich scent – it would destroy my self control.

It was dark already, but there was light in the house. Bella's father was reading at the first floor, and the sounds of basketball game on TV didn't bother him. I never thought a chief of police as a book person.

Bella was upstairs in her room. I could hear her footsteps, quiet noises of things moving around the room, rustling of paper – she was writing something. I was listening to her heartbeat, and the sound was very soothing, it made everything around more realistic.

I crouched at the tree and concentrated on the forest behind me. The darkness, trees croaking, quiet liquid moves of animals. They were in their element. I belonged to them much more than to the human world that laid in front of me, separated from me only by the road. But I was longing for humanity.

How is it, I wondered, to be such a human? How is it, to live, to wake up every day, to go to school, to be normal – and at the same time to be a mystery to someone. To someone who is staying under your window, listening for your heartbeat.

It was so good that she didn't have a clue about anything. It was good that she would never know of Aro and Volturi's existence, she'd never meet Jane. Her only bad luck was that she had met me, that she was in the same town with me, on the same planet.

I'll let her live, I thought, and suddenly it felt like a stone fell from my heart. I don't know how I'm going to endure her presence and the influence her scent has on me… but that part of me that is still human doesn't want to kill her. No dissections of frogs in a laboratory.

The light in the house was switched off in an hour. I went around the yard thinking how I could get into the house. I took a look at Bella's truck and realized that perhaps there was no need in going inside her house.

I looked into the window of the truck – the door wasn't locked. It was quite clean inside, if not take into consideration an empty soda can, a book – ah, Bronte fan – and something bright was under the seat, like it had fallen there and forgotten.

I pulled at the corner of a thin fabric and dragged out a small blue silk scarf, too thin for the Forks damp weather. We didn't even have sun here, not talking about warm days to wear such a thing. She wasn't going to miss it; there would be no occasion for her to remember about it.

I brought the scarf close to my face and inhaled deeply, immediately getting a dose of sharp thorns down my throat – and Bella's intoxicating scent. Her pale face popped up in front of my eyes. I shivered involuntarily.

Just what I needed. I always knew I'm a masochist, I thought with a sad smirk and tied the scarf around my neck, putting in under the shirt on my skin. It looked almost stylish, Alice would have

approved.

I felt so lighthearted when I came back to the car and drove away from the town. It was still an open question where I was heading to. There was nothing for me to do in Alaska – I'd known their library by heart, there was no one interesting enough to talk to in the coven. Not even mentioning that obsessed Tanya. I winced in disgust. Even a flatworm would have been more interesting.

The libraries that could interest me at the moment were too far away. I wasn't in the mood of flying to Cairo or Dublin, though if I really needed that – I would have done it without delay. I simply had to reasons to think that there was more information on the topic than for example in the Library of Congress.

It came to my mind that Volturi could have the information I needed. Those people chained to walls that I'd seen in Carlisle's memory were burned into my mind for eternity. I imagined that Bella could be one of them in that dungeon, and instead of the vampire examining her there could be me.

I had to grip the steering wheel tightly, almost breaking it, to stop a sudden wave of nausea. How sensitive I happened to be when it came to practice. I was glad and afraid of it at the same time; I didn't expect such reactions from myself, so close to human ones they were.

I would never go to Volturi, I thought. The ways of getting information did matter to me after all. I had to find another way of finding out.

I decided I didn't need much. Any five star hotels close to a national park would do. A quiet place, a clean shirt and internet access – that's it, I really don't need much. All resent researches were published on the net at the first place. I checked what place was the closest and found the right number in the contact list of my phone. In a few minutes I was already driving to the place where I planned to spend the next ten days.

I was at the hotel early in the morning, when the sun was only getting up. There was no one at the parking place, so I parked my car myself and went through the main entrance.

A young and very sleepy receptionist jumped up when I entered the hall. I motioned her to remain seated. Not everyone could be as full of energy as I was at 5 am.

"Reservation for Cullen" I told her.

"Yes, of course, sir". She gave me the keys immediately. Handsome. And rich, her gaze at my back was evaluating.

Oh please. I got ready to close my big mental ears expecting a flow of fantasies, or even worse – suggestions spoken aloud. She never looked lower than my waistline though.

I wonder if his personality matches his looks. I can't imagine a man who wouldn't be spoiled by such favorable circumstances. So I guess the only safe thing to do here is to look, from a significant distance.

It was so unexpected that I almost turned around to look at the person who was capable of such thoughts, but she already changed the subject. Her head was full of images of her best friend living next door, and I could feel the way she was smiling when she thought about him.

I was still slightly shocked when I went for my apartments. My cynicism just received a heavy slap. Never before I'd thought that my judgments of humans might have been biased. There were still good people around.

My rooms were next to the conference-hall that had also been reserved for me – it had a printer that I needed. I checked the rooms. There was everything I had requested over phone – a grand piano, a good stereo. The one I had at home was better, but this would also do. I connected my laptop to the stereo and loaded a playlist with some classic music that usually helped my concentration. Sounds of Handel filled the room. I chuckled at the inside joke – 'Messiah' was a nice background music for me playing god.

What a pity that our kind was so disorganized. Carlisle's family was relatively small according to human standards, and it was one of the biggest among vampires. A typical vampire wasn't interested in relationships, connections, trusting anyone. Excitement of a hunt, taste of blood – that was all one could ask for. Right.

As for me, keeping the last shreds of humanity was worth abstinence from human blood. It helped me remain interested in existing. Or at least I thought so.

Vampires were hundred percent sociopaths with a very few exceptions. I would have welcomed an idea of a forum or a club for our kind where I could have discussed my concerns or something like that. In reality we were so different from what humans usually fantasized about us. No old-fashioned lace, pop-up fangs or coffins. Reality was so prosaic.

I was sending maps of human brain to printer one after another. Which division is responsible for thoughts' ability to be read by a vampire? I highly doubted the answer could be found in an anatomy textbook.

All the walls of the conference-hall were covered with print-outs, papers with my comments were all over the floor. What could I find according to traditional science, without knowing Bella's specifics? Her specifics were to be studied closely, and I didn't have enough self-control for that yet. I lifted the corner of her silk scarf to my face absent-mindedly. Even after several days of doing that every minute it still hurt. I put the silky cloth back behind my collar.

All the fourth day I spent playing on that grand piano. It was a bit untuned, but it worked fine with my current state of mind. I just sat there, letting both my fingers and my thoughts fly as they wished. It was closest to sleep that I could ever get.

I didn't touch my laptop or work materials on the fifth day. I laid on the floor in my room listening to music, my face covered with the scarf. Perhaps that was similar to the way yogi laid on nails and enjoyed nirvana. My lungs were being grilled, but I felt myself utterly peaceful. I was coming back to Forks soon, and I would be rewarded for my patience. I would be able to embrace the mystery with my own hands. No pun intended.

On the sixth day my phone rang. Alice.

"What's the verdict, o beloved sister o mine?" I asked her without greeting. I was exhausted from my futile search. It looked like nobody on earth was interested in brain powers besides me (and Volturi).

"Oh my bloodthirsty brother, come back home," she replied in the same mocking tone. "Nothing really clarified while you were hiding out. Quite the contrary. Everything's foggy. I have no idea what you have decided… Perhaps scout's honor worked its magic? The future around you changes so fast, there's practically no sense in hiding."

She sounded optimistic.

"Alright, that was about me. And what about Bella?" I tried questioning from the other side. There should be a hint or something.

"Just the same. I've seen some permanent moments, but it's not related to you in any way."

I wanted her to specify but decided better not. Not related was also okay.

"See you at home, Edward."

"Ciao, Alice."